He's at it again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Oct 10, 2008.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    husband and I returned from our 4-day vacation Wed. night. B4 we left, husband bought easy child a box of Captain Crunch, since she would be here alone (or staying with-a friend) and it would be a treat to eat something with-wheat. The box disappeared.
    We spoke with-the kids several times on the ph while we were gone. Asked difficult child where the Capt Cr was. He said he didn't know.

    The night we came home, husband found it in the LR under a blanket, ripped open (difficult child is famous for tearing into boxtops instead of sliding his finger across them lengthwise) and half the box was eaten.

    husband read difficult child the riot act last night. Told him he was a liar and thief (the soc wkr and psychiatrist at the psychiatric hospital told us to use those words--not to use "boundaries," etc.) and difficult child confessed and couldn't figure out why husband was still so mad.
    I told husband I think it was an aspie thing--the question was, "Do you know where it is?" and difficult child took the box, hid it, and forgot the hiding place, because he went away to stay with-friends while we were gone.
    In his mind, I think he was telling the truth. easy child and husband think it was a bold faced lie.

    So today difficult child's backpack smells to high heaven. (I think you could smell it at your house, Marg!) He overslept, with-a headache and stomachache (typical after a stressful event) and I took him to school 1 hr late. After he was in the classrm, I went through the backpack in the hall and found the offending food.

    I also found a pr of ladies "Bloomers." (I have no idea why you would wear them--maybe like a half slip under a skirt, but they're like cut-off nylon tights with-lace?) Anyway, here we go again. :sad-very::anxious::surprise:
    I'm thinking they came from one of the two moms where he stayed while we were gone. easy child has never seen them b4. (I brought them home and washed them and difficult child does not know I found them. He's still at school.)

    husband is going to confront difficult child tonight and get him to tell him.

    If we don't get the info, it will give me even more fuel for our first psychiatric visit next Tues. (We're supposed to find an out-of-hospital psychiatric to follow up and it's taken this long to get the appointment.)
    Maybe she can get him to tell us what, when, where, how, and why.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Oh Terry, {{{{{HUGS}}}}}. I'm sorry to hear he's at it again. How incredibly frustrating and disheartening. I hope Tuesday gets here fast...
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry. I think the Captain crunch thing is a difficult child thing. Wiz did all sorts of crazy things with hiding food - including taking a pound of cooked ground beef out of the freezer and hiding it behind his bed. He thought if he put enough spices on it that it would be safe to eat a week later. Gave himself MAJOR food poisoning, and got NO sympathy. When your difficult child eats stuff he knows he shouldn't, and then has the headache and stomachache, it is important to insist he go about his regular routine (school on time, etc.... to let him see the natural consequences). This is what several psychiatrists and tdocs told us.

    I am sorry about the underwear. I think this is going to be a bigger problem than you anticipated. (((hugs)))

  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Oh, hugs, Terry. So sorry.

    Food, annoying - difficult child 1 hoarded food. difficult child 2 did until difficult child 1 moved out, so I think his was a natural reaction to another difficult child's actions.

    But the underwear thing... downright scarey, I think. Any of those behaviors with sexual undertones really worry me with our kiddos.

    Hope Tuesday gets here fast.
  5. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    {{{HUGS}}} We cant even go on vacation!!!! I am so sorry. I hope you have some luck with the doctor. :)
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think it might make good sense to use words like "liar" to difficult child. After all, that is what it is. At the same time of course, point out times that he uses good judgment.

    Also, I was wondering if you could ask one of the mental health professionals about using the same type of logic with reference to the new bloomers that have showed up.

    You have just washed them. Maybe you could put them out in the open with a note like "Does anyone know who these belong to so we can return them?" (Just one thought/one version).

    You could also quietly ask him where he got the bloomers since no one else in the family has claimed them or has an interest in acquiring this stuff. You could use the word "steal," again.

    I don't know if any of these things would get to his sense of fair play.

    I know with my kids sometimes using "their language" worked. For example..."How would you like it if I went in your room and RIPPED OFF your stereo? Or you favorite pair of sneakers? Well, it seems you ripped off something that belonged to some lady."
  7. Terry, I am so sorry you are having to go through this again! Hugs to you.

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, just keep documenting. HUGS!!!
  9. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    oh gosh I read you title and got a knot in my stomach on your behalf, sigh....

    so sorry, keep your chin up, it's has to be scarey, hopefully next week you'll get some concrete guidance.
  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    He's been so sweet today ... hugged me, was in a good mood ... arg.

    I'm going out with-a friend tonight (in fact, went out with-a friend today ... my coping mechanism is to eat out and vent) so The Talk will be over when I get home. I want to make sure I get home b4 husband goes to bed though because I want to know what difficult child said.

    Thank you all for your suggestions. I agree, I'd love to force difficult child to go through his regular routine regardless of headache and stomachache, but when I've done that b4, I've witnessed a major meltdown. Today I had carpool, so I had to go p/u the other kid so he wouldn't be late and didn't have time to risk a time-wasting, headache-producing meltdown. :(

    If you all got knots in your stomachs reading the subject heading, imagine how I felt calling both moms and thanking them for having my son overnight, knowing that he stole their lingerie. Hearing their voices, so sweet and caring ... I mean, you'd think *I* did it!!!! Guilt by proxy, I guess. :(
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm sory also.............. i can't even imagine how you must of felt calling those moms. good luck with doctor's appointment. i'm glad today was a good day. i hope your dinner out goes well and gives you some relief. :)
  12. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry! You are doing a great job with this, I know you will be able to figure this one out. I hope husband has the right words for the questions to get the answers you need. Maybe along with "Why are you doing this?" you could add "How do you feel just before these thoughts come into your head?" (is there a point where he can recognize he is about to do something wrong and be able to work on stopping it at that point?) "What are you doing at the time?" "How do you feel once you have the item?"

    If he can explain some feelings, it may give a starting point to start working on him facing this and addressing the issues? He may not be able to answer the "why" but he may be able to answer what is going on just before he goes there.
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Terry, so sorry you're having to deal with this again! Many hugs. Hopefully the psychiatrist will have some insight and some answers.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Terry, I don't think the underwear stealing is part of Aspergers nor do I think it's as serious as some do. I think it's a compulsion of some sort, maybe sexual, BUT he is NOT touching girls inappropriately. THAT would bother me more.
    That doesn't mean I'd ignore it. I think it is troubling. To me you have two issues here: the lying (which is kind of typical) and the bloomers (which is not). I'd concentrate on trying to figure out why he steals lingerie. I don't think he is being "bad" or trying to steal. I have a feeling he feels a very strong urge to take woman's undergarments, although I have no idea why. (((Hugs))) and good luck.
  15. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    FWIW, I think the Captain Crunch is a guy thing, and maybe just a kid thing. My husband who usually passes on the sweets will polish off the box after everyone else has gone to bed. Ditto with my kids--once that box is open, it's gone.

    I think it would be extremely difficult for a difficult child kiddo to have it in the house, but not to have it available for consumption.

    Kids who have a sweet tooth will cross a lot of boundaries. I wasn't a difficult child child but I used to sneak chocolate out of the top drawer where my grandparents kept it.
  16. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Don't know what to say about difficult child & the bloomers. I know wm gets fixated on something & will not let go for the life of him. He cannot tell us why; frequently, he can't tell us who he "stole" the offending item from. In wm's case, we're working on impulse control, hoping that will stop the behavior. AND we also use words like stealing & it's wrong. Nothing is said about boundaries or impulse control.

    What a rotten way to end a vacation. I hope you have a nice weekend.
  17. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    in my humble opinion, taking the cereal is not a big deal. He is supposed to be on a very restrictive diet and there is tempation around him all the time. He is probably going to cheat on it at times. When he does, he is probably going to lie about it so he doesn't get in trouble. I will admit I am extremely angry when my child cheats because then I have to deal with her behaviour for a few days. She also never admits it. I only know because of the way she acts or one of her friends says something.

    I've been on the girlfriend diet for 2 1/2 years and never willingly eat something with gluten in it. However, a few times I have accidentally had some. Something about the gluten in food makes it very addictive to me. I bought some cookies that were gluten free but something about them made them irresistable to me. I ate half of the box at once. Then I had my gluten symptoms and noticed the box said there might be traces of wheat. There was nothing special about those cookies to make them irresistable. It had to be the wheat in them. This is not the only time this has happened to me with something that later gave me symptoms.

    I don't cheat because I turn into an irritable, angry person when I have gluten so I am not tempted. One of my daughters does cheat and also turns into an irritable, angry person. She has trouble resisting even though she knows what will happen. I can only hope she will be less tempted when she is older.

    I would guess his stomach ache and headache are related to the gluten in the cereal. I agree with having natural consequences take their course. Sometimes, I add another consequence to reinforce the idea that when difficult child 1 is an adult, she can't just eat whatever she wants and then go to work late or not at all if she is sick. For example, I would be so annoyed at having to make a separate trip that I would have her do an extra chore to make up for my time.

    I'm sorry you are dealing with the underwear stealing again.
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs))) Sorry the end of the vacation was so stressful. Makes you want another vacation soon!
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you all again.

    husband did not hold difficult child's feet to the fire the way I would have wanted. He accepted difficult child's explanation that they were left over from our neighbor.

    I just called our neighbor and told her I found something else and asked if she would identify it ... it's in the laundry right now, but she said that would be fine. I told her I didn't know if it was an old issue or a new one, and she was very nice about it. I'll go over there tomorrow.


    Oh, I kind of agree about the Captain Crunch. I think husband should have given easy child $5 and let her buy her own cereal after difficult child was out of the house. Live and learn. You can't really resist these thing until you're an adult, and then, as FairlyOdd pointed out, not always then. It has to be a pretty strong reaction for me to give up something. For ex., red wine gives me migraines so I haven't touched a drop for 20 yrs. I am hypoglycemic, however, and will put up with-the shakes and fuzzy headedness for a pkg of M&Ms. I know how hard it is.

    It's just the lying that really gets us.
  20. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    We frequently end vacations with a major mess up on the part of difficult child. This was a little worse when she was younger. Mostly because we were relying on others to watch her. We still do, but less so, today. There was embarassment, shock, disappointment, stress, guilt, etc. All sorts of negative emotions upon our return. Sometimes, I would hestitate to go. However, I have learned it really is better to get away. Three day/little trips for us worked best. I would put some safety measures in place as best as I could for those in charge and then try to not think about it. My phone number was available in case of a major problem.

    by the way...wow, I totally identify with what you wrote. I too don't drink red wine due to headaches. I will sneak some m&m's once in awhile though.

    And lying...REALLY bugs me!

    Hang in there...wishing you well. (hugs)