He's Ba-ack!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by everywoman, Mar 31, 2008.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    We left to go out of town last Thursday. When we returned home Sunday, difficult child had moved "back" in. Lock, stock, and barrell.
    I am not happy:sad-very:! He knows I'm not happy, which makes him sad, which makes me feel guilty for not being happy.

    I think we will be in a pych hospital soon. He doesn't seem very stable. On Saturday a girl he's been "talking" too had an accident and is severly injured---to what extent I don't know. He spent all weekend blaming himself---not even sure why.

    He is depressed--anxious. I think he spent most of the weekend in the bed.

    He has some community service hours to complete before the 9th. He missed his drug class because someone side-swiped his car and he can't reschedule before next probation meeting. I swear--this boy brings more trouble on himself--which translates to trouble for me.

    husband and I had a big fight last night about him coming home. I told husband that rules need to be set and at the first infraction he needs to go? But where? No job, no prospects, no one will hire him! He has no friends to stay with---he's burned all those bridges. I wouldn't hire him!

    I hate how I feel about him!:sad-very:
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Did he have permission to move back home? If not, then I think you need to move him out. This situation seems a bit scary, someone moves in when you are out of town.

    Is your husband of the opinion that you need to let him stay at home with no rules? That you should not kick him out?

    Anyway, this seems stressful. Next time you get him out of the house, please change the locks. It will mean a safer home for you.


  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    EW, I so understand.
  4. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Your house is not a hotel. If he should be out...get him out. I'll send a few garbage bags to help. You don't just move in with mom and pop. Either contribute to your house rules and help out with the family, or hit the road. These guys have a remakable way of making on the streets. They will **** off any friend/family they have. Ultimately, they have to learn to do it on their own.

    Sorry to be so blunt. been there done that too many times.

  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I understand completely.
    husband and I are talking about what happens in June when 6 months are done and difficult child isn't able to live independently. We can't/won't pay for more programs. husband wants him to move home, get a small job and pay rent. What life is that? It's basically warehousing him. He has no friends here and will not be plugged into any sort of community of peers.
    Turn him out on the streets? Won't happen. Never.
    Not a difficult child who has the level of disability my difficult child has.
    husband is not feeling very positive about difficult child. He doesn't seem to want to have much to do with him. It makes me sad to think that family is giving up on him. On the other hand, husband has gone to bat for him over and over with little to show for his efforts.

    I know I would have the same feelings if difficult child would be back home so unexpectedly. I keep telling myself that small steps of progress are happening so I shouldn't be too down about the pitfalls along the way.
    I hope your son finds a way to make a life for himself.
    Hang in there. I'm on the same page of the mom worry manual.
  6. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Thanks Fran. I knew you'd understand. difficult child is not a bad kid. He is emotionally and socially about 14. He is behind cognitively as well. He will not admit to any of that. He doesn't see his own weaknesses---hence can not work to overcome them. It is like a circle that keeps building upon itself. I think I see progress---but it always ends in the same way. His use of pot for "theraputic" purposes is probably not helping the stituation---but none of the medications he has ever taken has helped----and since his drug of choice is xanex he has to have something to ease the anxiety. It is written all over his face and posture. I tried to talk to him last night about his future and he literally hid behind the door while I talked to him. He will be 20 in May. What can I do but keep trying to push him? I can't turn him out. He will be eaten alive out there---
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    If difficult child ever comes home for a visit or because he isn't doing so well, we are going to have to meet.

    I know my difficult child is terrified but he covers a lot of it with bravado and is careful to not put himself in a situation where he will not know what to do. Throw in a dose of illusions of grandeur and he becomes a loud, sheltered, self sabotaging kid trying to live in an adult world.

    Nudging is good. Keep pushing the baby birds out of the nest. Sometimes we have to let them come back to regroup and then a move forward again. Hang in there.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Susie and Janet----didn't mean to leave you out---
    Thanks for your responses. Susie---We knew he was home. He had come to serve some of his CS hours. Over the weekend a girl he has been seeing was in a horrible wreck. She had come by the house earlier, had been drinking prior to stopping. They got in an argument about her drinking and driving. He tried to take the keys---she left. An hour later she wrecked and almost died. He blamed himself----he always blames himself---I know he hadn't been drinking because pcdaughter came by and he was sober. She would have told me otherwise. He doesn't handle and kind of stress very well. So, he called and talked to husband while we were gone and husband told him he could stay home---I guess he thought for good!

    Janet---I know you know what it's like.

    Fran---I would hate for mine to meet yours---he has the tendency to rub off on people. They can be doing well, they get involved with him, and....

    His anxiety is still through the roof. He is manic as can be. Oh God, help me help him---