He's gone & I am heartbroken yet resigned. Need to remember to breathe,

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Signorina, Jan 20, 2012.

  1. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am not sure why he even bothered coming home for break and I have to remind myself that I can't ruminate on the past. One foot in front of the other. Took down his graduation photo & recent family group shots and changed our alarm code. I don't expect him to be back or to be vindictive - never been his style - but better safe than sorry. I wonder if there will be a hiccup when he realizes his rent is not paid. I imagine he reopened his line of credit and the credit card the moment the payments (I made) cleared. What I fool I was! Between the credit card and his brand new ipad and computer - he will have enough to survive until spring. Both banks stated they couldn't close the accounts until Friday and I think it's no coincidence that he left on Friday.

    PCs seem ok. I grabbed easy child 14 and ran errands-I was not going to watch difficult child leave. I cashed the CD and stashed the funds in my account where he can't get them. I did my best to explain to PC14 why his brother is gone. Told him the difficult child is blaming me for being "too in his business" and emphasized to easy child that so long as he lives at home, I will want to know where he is going, whom he is with, and when he will be home and I expect him to be in school or working - and so long as he is OK with that; he can live at home forever. PC14 had a tendency to look up to difficult child which scares me a little, in fact - just Wednesday, I let difficult child pick out new receiver gloves for PC14. I will be keeping pc14 close and will be talking to a counselor. There's a fine line between sharing too little and oversharing and I need some guidance. I have a brother who was a difficult child and I wish my parents had been more forthright.

    H talked to pc17 who reportedly thinks difficult child is a "fool." I think he gets it completely and I am not so worried about the effect it will have on him. He has always purposely been difficult children polar opposite, he's in a good place in his life and recognizes that he has our trust and the extra privileges that go along with it. Privileges that we never extended to difficult child. (his own car, own credit card on our account, and virtually no monitoring of his online or "real" life)

    We all met for lunch (boys are off school today) and had a decent time. H is taking the boys to a monster truck show tomorrow which should be great fun for them. While they are gone, I am packing up difficult child's room. As far as I am concerned, this is no longer his home. I am not maintaining his bedroom as some sort of untouched shrine. I will eventually rearrange it and add colorful, flowery curtains and bedspread. His stuff -mostly childhood trinkets - will be packed in boxes and stored in the garage attic. (he left little behind-cleaned out his closet - HANGERS too!)

    difficult child's girlfriend was getting ready to turn into our driveway to pick up difficult child as I was pulling out with easy child. She waved me ahead and I didn't move. I was d@mned if I was going to pull out so she could pull in. So, she kept going down the road, I pulled out behind her and stayed behind her after she pulled out of the neighborhood. No reason, I wasn't chasing her, just enjoying her apparent discomfort. I eventually turned off and it was only then that she must have doubled back. Petty, but I don't care. I just put her and her family on my restricted list for FB. Was so tempted to defriend them all, but didn't want to do something permanent just yet. I still may do it. difficult child doesn't have a FB page and she was my only window to him. I need to think about it before I do it.

    GUESS WHAT? I am rambling AGAIN. LOL. Thanks for reading and for your support and warm words these past few days. I suspect I will be leaning heavily on you all once the reality hits.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((((HUGS))))) I am so sorry. It's good to talk about it. How did it happen that he left? Did he just announce he was leaving and did he say what he was going to do or did he just pack up and leave?

    You are doing all the right things, bringing the family close together, assuring your easy child that he is always welcome there so he does not think this will happen to him. I'm glad you all went to lunch. Hold them all close in the coming days/weeks. Do things for yourself to reaffirm that you will be OK, and you will be OK. I honestly thought that I might die last year, at times I couldn't catch my breath. I thought no one would ever understand and what was worse is that my extended family was not very supportive and so I was not able to share my situation with many people. What I did discover is that not only did I survive but after a while I was at peace. I eventually accepted the fact that there was nothing I could do and I wasn't going to have it destroy my life and the rest of my family. easy child and I even went on a short trip to NYC and I had a wonderful time. You will be OK, but you will have waves of overwhelming sadness at times.

    When difficult child left last year I couldn't go in her room without crying. I admire your strength. But very soon I also took down pictures and packed up memorabilia from her room. Every week I cleaned it out a little more and each time I found more using stuff I got mad again. But it helped to pack up her room and get rid of all the bad memories. It's been a year now and I am looking for paint and hopefully to replace the carpeting.

    You know it's not over, you have not heard the last from him. But the next time you do you will be stronger and more convinced that you won't ever go back to the dark place you have been in.

  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I am in crisis at the moment but wanted you to know that I care.
    Be strong for your easy child's...the "influenced one" is likely watching you closely.


  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    OH Sig, I am so sorry for your heart break. HUGS to you and your hubbie and easy child's. I pray he finds his way but you are doing the right things.... now it is up to him.
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I don't really know how it happened. I didn't say a word to him. He came down early, ate breakfast & H decided to talk to him about registering at CC today since he had refused to do so yesterday and had deflected my texts. By last night, it was very obvious that difficult child had been just stringing us along since his "confession" on Tuesday night, buying time getting his ducks in a row in conjunction with his scheming girlfriend.... I may be kidding myself, but I am pretty sure that the confession and the relief we saw on Tuesday night was real, until his girlfriend got a hold of him. She came over late Tuesday and then he went over to her house on Wed and again last night. She transferred to difficult children former school last semester, I am pretty sure she was the motivation behind the secret apartment, and I KNOW she does not want to be in the college town without him. He was the reason she moved there. So I am relatively sure she put pressure on him to just go back there and live his life. He's really going to be all hers now-completely dependent on her providing transportation and paying his expenses. I think she likes that. Please know that I am not excusing him by blaming her - I just can't wrap my head around it. And I can't understand why on earth her parents aren't barring the doors and banning my son. It's painfully honest that difficult child is using and that he is heading for bottom. Yet her family seems to like painting us as the overbearing pyscho parents and themselves as the cool caring parents. MY KID JUST FLUNKED OUT OF COLLEGE> HOW MANY MORE SIGNS DO THEY NEED? They're only 19; they knew my son when he was a clean cut, straight A, varsity athlete so they know how far he has fallen.

    And I digress. I didn't want to be part of the conversation today so I am not quite sure how it went down. I am overwrought and incredibly nauseous and so intensely HURT by and ANGRY about his manipulation. I knew I would end up hysterical and I just wasn't going to invest that emotion in him again. Plus my pcs were still asleep and I knew my presence would likely amp things up and I just didn't want to go there. difficult child knows just how to push my buttons so that it changes the dynamic. And I was chicken. There was no shouting, though I stayed far away from the conversation. (I sat in the laundry room and sewed up the holes in difficult child's gloves since I figured he would need them. And it kept my hands busy and I figured it was a decent last motherly act.) Apparently, H told difficult child that he needed to be in school and that the local CC was the only option available based on his suspension. difficult child maintained that he could go to the cc in the college town 5 hours away and live in his apartment. H reminded him "not part of the plan." difficult child turned the conversation and deflected it to to how this is all my fault, I spied, I snooped, I can't let him have his freedom, I want to control him blah blah blah, H tried to keep it on the topic of logic and "let's get you back on your feet"...and difficult child went into flee mode, ran upstairs and started packing. And H (wisely) let him. H went back upstairs to try to get thru to him unsuccessfully. And I locked myself in my closet and called my mom. Originally, difficult child told h that he was going to live with his best friend's older brother locally and get a job delivering court paperwork. About 40 minutes later, he told H he was going back to college town. Not sure which it is, I don't really care. He's completely out of touch with logic and reality. And I know it's drugs and I would guess it's more than just pot. And for now I just have to let it be and keep moving...
  6. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hugs to you. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending very caring and understanding support your way. My easy child/difficult child (now named difficult child#1) left home to go live with his biomom. I can't even tell you how many years ago that happened but between 16 & 18 and nothing has ever caused me more pain....I have never cried more. Within a week I decided it would be therapeutic to clean his room. I turned it into a guest room. Still amazed that my tears didn't dilute the paint I used. Reading your post brings it back but thankfully not with the emotional attachment that it had at the time.

    Know, deep in your heart, that many of us have been there done that and we do understand. You handled it well and can be proud that you didn't let him see the depth of your pain. Thank God for the CD family because here we are all safe to share our real emotions with-o fear of compromising our positions in our families. It won't be easy to survive this betrayal but you can do it. Hopefully he will "get it" before it is too late. Hugs DDD

    PS: How fortunate you are to have a true partnership with your husband.
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He'll be back. difficult child's always come back. Take this time while he is gone to take a deep breath and regroup. He will come back trying to con you with schemes and promises and you will want to believe him. You will need to stay strong and tell him that you will only support him if he goes into treatment. It will probably be a while until he is desperate enough to accept the fact that he needs help with his substance abuse issues.

    It's sad but they really have to hit bottom before they can start to recover.


    We'll be here to help.

  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Of course he blames you, both because you caught on to him and because he has to deflect, he has to blame you or else he would have to look at himself and he can't do that. It's so hard on you because you are always the one to want to believe him, to give him that hug and tell him it would be OK, and for that you get blamed for ruining his life because he can't accept that he is ruining his own life.

    I found myself very angry at difficult child's boyfriend also who helped her fall into her abyss of alcohol/pot and most of all to the pothead neighbor who let her live there and fall deeper into her abyss because we were monster psychotic parents. I think for me the anger helped me get through it in the beginning and was a normal part of my grieving.

    At any rate everything you describe sounds so familiar to me as if I was reliving it again.

    I hope you can find something this weekend to relieve some of the sadness you feel.

  10. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I'm so sorry for the pain that you are going through right now, Signorina. You are an incredibly strong person, and I admire the way that you handled everything today. Please know that you have a lot of caring support from your many friends on this board, and we are here for you. I hope you can take care of yourself and your easy child's also. HUGS...
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((hugs))) momma....we have been there. Redecorating the room helps a lot. I packed difficult child's things in crates and put them in the empty closet. She grabs one now and then so we are down to two. I put the sentimental things away until she is an adult. She will appreciate that some day....he needs to find his own way but my goodness, I know how painful it is to let them. Take care of you...
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    If he is onto even harder drugs and does not want to comply with your conditions, then it is better that he is gone. He needs to fall and fall hard. I know the pain is at times unreal and that it is physical as well as emotional. All you can do is let him know that you love him and that you will be there for him when he is ready to make those changes. Sending you many (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hey sig.....oh it is so painful! You are doing the right thing. Make sure you take care of yourself. My sons room was still the mess he left it in, until my easy child daughter decided she wanted his much bigger much nicer room. So over the summer we cleaned it all out, bought her paint and she painted it 3 different colors and really made it hers. It looks great and feels great to not have his room be a constant reminder of all the pain he has caused us.


  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The last thing my daughter screamed at me before she left our house was, "I will NEVER forgive you! EVER!" I cried for three weeks. It never stopped. I cried at work, I cried all night. I didn't know what she was doing and she would not speak to me.

    Fast forward eight years. She is clean. We are very close.

    It's the drugs talking and acting, hon. He is not himself right now. He will come back when he is doing better and is more himself.

    If you go, maybe increasing the narc-anon meetings you go to will help you like they helped me (yes, I cried there too). Do not try to predict the future. Please, please don't think he really doesn't care about you. The REAL boy does care about you. It's his illness who has left you. There is hope that he will beat his illness.

  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Addiction is an AWFUL disease. I still mourn the loss of my older brother and he has been gone into addiction for years, though for a bunch now it has been into being a dry drunk to me.

    I watch episodes of A&E's Intervention online now and again when I am having a hard time letting go and meetings are not helping for a while. One of the interventionists on the latest episode said "Addiction is a the only disease that convinces the person that they are not sick, that everyone else is the problem. That is the drugs talking, the addiction protecting itself, not your son." The episode was Richard, and is the most recent one.

    It just really hit home with me. Myabe it will help you too.

    I am sorry it ended this way and I do think the girlfriend is a part of the problem. There always seem to be people around who want to enable an addict, at least for a while. This enabling makes me wonder who in the girlfriend's family is addicted to something. I am as positive that she has an addict or many in the family as I am the sun will rise in the morning. It is one of the facets of addiction, one of the reasons the whole family needs help.

    I am glad you spoke to the kids. That is important. Getting a therapist to help you figure out the boundaries is also important. I also suggest you look into books for Adult Children of Alcoholics. The things you say about your brother and parents make me think you might find some value in them. I was SHOCKED when my mother first took me to an alanon meeting and introduced me to the concept of her being the adult child of an alcoholic. Esp to the part where it taught ME non-functional behavior patterns. But it DID, and I will always be thankful that I know and can work on this group of issues.

    I think re-claiming his room is an awesome idea if you are ready to do it. It will not just help you. It will tell your other sons that thsi is just not okay, and it will give difficult child a HUGE shock. My bro was in his mid to late twenties when my mom cleaned out his room and he was just floored. He thought he could ALWAYS come home whenever he wanted. The idea of growing up and makign his own home didn't compute. He came "home" for "Christmas" and stayed until March or April with NO thought of contributing to the house or paying rent and then was really thrown for a loop when my mother packed his stuff up, paid for a storage unit for a few months and sent him the key and the bill with the date he had to make the first payment or have it emptied out. He thought he was being "thrown out" when my mom thought they had "thrown him out" years before when he was 19 and had almost gotten thrown out of college and HAD gotten tossed out of his dorm room. They told him he could work any job he wanted but if he wanted to earn min wage and not go to school and PASS then he had to go live on it NOW. 5 or 6 yrs later she redecorated his room and packed up the stuff he left there when he was gone 9 mos of the year and he thought he was "thrown out". I never got that but have accepted I won't.

    I DO think your difficult child will be SHOCKED when he hears from his brothers or comes home and finds "his" room is redecorated. PLEASE make it a refuge for yourself or H. A game room, craft room, man cave, something special and uniquely yours. Not because it will "erase" difficult child. Nothing can do that. To give you that refuge, a place to really enjoy, to do something you love.

    I know this is HARD and in many ways AWFUL, but in time some good things will happen too. You are handling this really really well. I would have had a hard time not pulling a "fried green tomatoes" movie stunt and crashing into the girlfriend's car because I am older and have better insurance. But that is childish and gives them too much power, Know what I mean?? I do think it was interesting that she drove out of your area because you were behind her. Bizarre, but interesting.
  16. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Susie, neither of my parents (or any of my grandparents/aunts/uncles etc) were alcoholics, abusers or addicts of any sort. They were social drinkers but never to excess. My brother-the difficult child-was a fairly run of the mill rebellious 1970's teen and my 1950's parents were a little uptight and shell shocked by this unruly 18 yo. I sometimes think he has a ODD type disorder - but in all honesty - volatile personalities are not unusual (tho not excusable) in NY Italians so it could've been learned. I was 10 when he left and I idolized him. My parents wanted to protect me so they told me very little and had protected me from most of his shenanigans. In my immature mind, I thought he had merely broken the rules so they kicked him out. From then I vowed that my own children would grow up in a peaceful household and be surrounded by unconditional love and without judgment. And I stayed true to it (with-in reason) only to realize it didn't make much of a difference for difficult child. Except that he did manage to have a pretty good run until he went away to school-graduated HS with honors and was really happy or at least seemed to be - until Spring Break of his freshman year at which point we noticed he had changed.

    I AM the adult child of a cancer survivor and perhaps that is what you are picking up. My dad was very. very ill (stage 3B) when I was in HS and it was a very emotional time in my life. After over a year of grueling surgeries and treatment he went into remission. He was well for about 8 years until his cancer treatments brought on heart disease - and he was a man with a compromised immune system and only 1 kidney. He died 25 years post cancer diagnosis (4 years ago) of late, long term complications due to so much radiation and chemotherapy. My brothers are quite a bit older than I and were adults and out of the house when my dad got sick - so it was very much like we were raised in different families.

    I hate to say that I am looking forward to my therapist appointment - because I am not - but I am looking forward to getting to a better place. I am very drained from difficult child's departure but it was not unexpected like his abrupt departure in August. After he left in August (totally unexpectedly) I tortured myself with all the things I could've/should've/might've/did/didn't say or do. This time, I think I knew he was likely to leave, and I was able to say all the things I had not and do all the things I thought might have made a positive distance. I surrounded him with as much love as I could, his favorite meals, laundry smelling like downy, a stocked fridge & pantry and I made sure he heard all the things I thought I needed to say. And it didn't make a darn bit of difference to him. But they did to me. Because I gave it my best effort and it didn't change a thing. I can't say I have no regrets but I also I know I reached out to him repeatedly in a heartfelt manner and it didn't matter.

    PS - and yes - I have heard that difficult child's girlfriend's father is an alcoholic - definitely a country club golfer known to drink A LOT if not an alcoholic - so yes. I think that's part of it. When she and difficult child started dating 4 years ago - more than one friend said to me "you know her dad's known to be a drinker/wildman/I think he's an alcoholic"
    Lasted edited by : Jan 21, 2012
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good for you Sig. I know this is hard but you know in your heart you have done everything possible and he is throwing away so much and you aren't even sure for what at this point.

  18. Go slow mama

    Go slow mama Member

    Keep your head up and know that you are not a coward; you just know your limitations.

    Wishing you courage, love and conviction.
  19. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is a very old thread. Sig hasn't posted in a very long time.