He's home "sick" again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Jun 3, 2011.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    :sigh:He's already got 16 absenses. Which I excused with-notes. Sigh.
    He stayed up too late, then got up in the middle of the night and ate, and now he's got a headache and is groggy. (He was extremely rude last night, too. AND we've only got two days of medications left because I mail ordered the rest and they have not arrived. How long does it take?)
    I went for my morning walk and spotted a police car and asked the officer if he would mind stopping by to get my son going for school. He was trying to blow me off, when I told him that difficult child had 16 absences. His eyes got huge and he said, "Whoah!"
    He was busy checking an unknown old car with-no plates, parked on a side street. It wasn't there yesterday. Probably stolen. Lots of paperwork.
    He said he'd try to stop by ... but I doubt it. Hey, it made me smile during the rest of my walk.
    I just don't know what to do to get this kid to CARE.
    ... and to work through a headache and fatigue like the rest of us do.
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    ugh. Well I'm glad you got in a walk to start off your day. And hopefully that cop will surprise you and show up.
    I sure hope the rest of your day gets better.
    I like some things about summer but the lack of structure for these kids for three months worries me. I'm glad husband's is the one unemployed and home with him lol.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.
    It's been 40 min. so I don't think the officer's going to show. I'm going to tell difficult child I am waiting for a pkg and be sure to answer the door if the bell rings. Which is true. I AM waiting for a pkg. Still ... I have things to do so I have to leave him.
  4. jetreahy

    jetreahy New Member

    Oh, I'm so sorry your having a bad day. I feel for you. Mine has only had a few absences due to his issues, but about 23 tardies. Mornings are h*ll. He'll get in one of his moods at the mere mention of "did you remember ___?" and it's all downhill from there. I have been told more than once from his school that there are laws about attendance. They just don't understand.
    I hope the police officer does take the time to come by. What a great idea.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Maybe you should offer to take him "out for lunch" and drive to the school cafeteria? Or else say you understand and if he stays home he give him a bunch of chores to do and do them with him, to the extent you can. It was what my dad did with Wiz. Hours of yard work and other not fun tasks, iwth Gpa working side by side. He couldn't slack off because my dad just would not do it and would do all sorts of things that Wiz did not want to happen if he slacked off. I know before that at times if he didn't do what I wanted that threatening to sing to him got him going. What do you do that difficult child HATES? Wiz hears in perfect pitch and from his first days out in the world would cry his head off if I sang. I would recite books like chicka chicka boom boom to him as an infant/toddler instead of singing. But as an older kids when he needed motivation I would sing. Often songs from Barney or other kids' shows and he owuld do almost anything to get me to stop. husband told him that if he continued to misbehave then husband was going to school and would sing a Barney song over the intercom to the entire school - dedicated to Wiz as his "favorite" song. Yes, it is embarrassing, but he was doing things that embarrassed us also - and returning the favor was about the only way to motivate him at the time. rewards sure didn't work,s o his reward was to have us NOT do that. The ladies in the office were MORE than willing to let husband do htat to the entire school. Even the principal was behind it.

    How are his grades? thank you misses a LOT of school due to sensory overload. Until fourth grade (last year) he missed at least 1/4 of the year each year. But he was still always the top student in his grade, or one of the top two. So no one gets upset if he misses - it is in his 504 and he is getting better at attending more. this year there were no absences the first half and the second half were mostly due to bouts of a virus.

    Why not call the truant officer or the local police station? They should be able to send someone out to deal with this. and stop excusing them. Don't send a note, let him take the consequences at school. If he gets detention or has to repeat a grade due to absences, well, that is his logical consequence.

    It is hard when they are too big to literally take out to the car and then into the school, isn't it?

    do all you can to make staying home very uncomfortable. Blast music he doesn't like and sing along. Cook foods he HATES - esp if you like them and they have a very strong odor. I know that my mother threatened to make something that grossed out my gfgbro if he skipped school - and she was going to use the electric skillet to cook it IN HIS ROOM and leave the unwashed dishes there AND hide the cooked food there for a week or so. She did NOT mess around with us - and always did what she said. She scared us, and almost never even spanked us. We just knew she had a whole lot more years of creativity and mean than we did and she wasn't afraid to use it against us.

    Is there a fabric he hates? Days he stays home because he stayed up to late or whatever, take his favorite sheets/blankets away and put some made out of fabric he HATES on his bed, the couch, etc.... Does he hate the old children's programs like Barney, TeleTubbies, etc??? Make those run non-stop on the tv wherever he is. Or get a kids CD of the music and play that over and over (wear your own mp3 player or earplugs if it bugs you also). When Wiz refused to use his manners I would make him watch an episode of Barney that focused on manners - and if he wasn't paying attention he had to watch it again until he was. NO tv, computer, toys or books allowed until he did it. He hated it enough that he made it a point to say please and thank you at least where husband and I could hear.

    You are an incredibly creative woman. Use it to make him incredibly uncomfortable. Refuse to give in to his tantrum over having to do/see/hear/smell/taste what you come up with. Let himknow that all he has to do to escape it is to get his behind to school. make school more appealing than staying home.
  6. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    my difficult child misses at least four or five days a month of school plus on top of that the days when he is actually sick. if i can make him go, i do. mainly because i need the time away from him. there are times when i can't make him go short of holding him down and forcing him to get dressed, ect. there are also days when he's all over the place and i know he will either be sent home or he'll end up being sent to play in the playground for most of the day when i allow him to get away with not getting ready to go.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry...what is the school saying about his absences? Are they not giving you grief over them? I got hauled into court when Jamie missed 12 days in one year because he had excused absences and he had ulcers that were documented with an endoscopy. They said I needed to take him to the doctor each day that he stayed home which was literally impossible since I worked and the doctor had just told me to give him his medicine when he woke up in pain and let him sleep or rest in bed during the day.

    I would think that with 16 days they would be all over you and difficult child. I realize that it is very late in the year but for next year, I would set the bar high and not allow this behavior at all. Sick, you better have blood or fever or throwing up or you go to school. Most schools these days do have a resource officer and I would contact them to see if they can help you with this or find someone who can. Hire a Marine or Navy guy to come escort him to school every day...lol.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Terry, I just want to say been there done that and am darn glad I'm past that stage. How many more days are left in the school year? Hope it's just a few! With our Aspie we added a medication to help sleep which he didn't really give any flack about. With easy child/difficult child and a son from my "birth" generation adolescence brought on the late sleeping, excuse giving etc. It's a bummer....hope it's over soon. DDD
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Next year make the policy in your home that the school gets to decide if he stays home or not. He can go to school and report to the nurse's office to list his ailments. If the nurse believes he should go home than fine, he can go home. If not, she will most likely tell him to go into the "resting" room to rest for awhile or send him to class (most likely) with the advise that he can do this.

    Unless my kids have a temperature or I can see they are truly in agony (flu like stuff or migrane headache) than I tell them they have to go to school and let the school decide.

    I know - easier said than done. Sometimes the beginning of the school year is easier to start new things. "Now that you are in _____th grade or are _______ years old, the rules are: _____________________."

    I know all too well that you can not physically make a kid get to school. I have been sooo grateful that difficult child has gone along with the let the school decide although he has fought it very hard a few times making some very ugly mornings.

    When Diva was about 10 years old, I also had trouble with her. She was starting to disrespect me big time and not wanting to go to school. She begged that I didn't tell her teachers what was going on at home. We were at a very small private school so I told her that if SHE decided not to go to school then SHE would have to call her teacher and tell him why she wasn't coming. She decided that she would rather go to school then let the teacher know what was going on. (Of course, she never knew that he did know what was going on since I did let the school know our situation so that they could help her without her knowing)

    Sorry I am not much help :( When the above doesn't work than I would be at a total loss. Too bad the officer couldn't have stopped by just to see how that would have panned out.
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    Our SD has a crazy, in my opinion ridiculously strict attendance policy. For regular schools if you miss more than 9 days unexcused (DR note or Court) in a semester (half year) then you fail. Must go through an appeals process, but if you are denied an appeal, by January you may already know that you will have to repeat a grade, so what's the motivation for a kid to go to school for the rest of the year? From a Mom standpoint, it means dragging your kid to the dr because they have the flu or a severe cold, and dr can't do anything anyway - rest and fluids, and that's what mom was doing, but you MUST HAVE THE DR's note. UHG! This year got really dicey for me because we all, at separate times, had this very strange vague stomach bug. No vomiting, just nausea that came in waves, no fever or other visible symptoms, but I could see it on my kids' faces. Thought at times they were faking it until I got it and understood it first hand.

    Anyway, the kids know the policy and I always hang it over their heads. Son is in HS now and learning that sometimes he just has to push through. Problem is if I force him to go to school and he is too tired or sick, he'll just sleep at his desk, and teachers don't think twice about this with him.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Our school system actually sends you to court if you mis X days, even with excuses. It is one reason we pulled Jess out of 6th grade. The major one was that she was being groped, both upper and lower body, in the hallways during class changes. But when she was hit by a car right after the time change (backed into her while turning around in a driveway) and she couldn't walk even to the bathroom twenty feet away for four days and not much farther for another weeka fter that, and had had a bed virus where she puked for a week, they told me she had flunked the year. It was not even Halloween yet. But I know, for a fact, that at least ten kids in her grade played hooky with unexcused absences that were FAR more than hers and they passed because the school didn't want to deal with them another year. NO teacher would flunk them because they were seriosu problems. But Jess was well behaved, loved school, never got into trouble so she was going to be flunked. Not in this world, not my kid.

    thank you's absences are excused at any number, with or with-o a note because it is in his 504. Here they carry as much weight as an IEP so they cannot keep him back for missing school. maybe some days he could go and handle things, but usually I know if he is faking. The signs of being overwhelmed are too clear and he cannot fake them - just stinks at it. I also know if he is sick because he is NOT a napper. If he sleeps past seven he is really sick - even being up in the night doesn't keep him sleeping past seven. If he takes a nap in the middle of the day he is truly very sick.

    We had many issues with attendance in the middle school. It is the only one in town and kids from every elem go there. They actually had the nerve to tell me that the note J's doctor faxed in regarding her migraine came from our home. They sent a fax to the number it came from saying the KNEW it was not a real doctor's office, but was either in our home or in a business where we worked or paid someone to send it. The neuro was FURIOUS. His office mgr called and chewed a HUGE hole in them for questioning the veracity of the note. I know they did because the school sent me a letter telling me that real docs don't use words like veracity and that meant that we arranged someone to call then and be angry on the fake doctor's behalf. This got a notarized letter threatenin a libel/slander lawsuit for saying they were not a doctor and were lying about her migraines and epilepsy. They also used a bunch of other big words and said to get a dictionary and an attorney if they had doubts about this - either about the notary actually being a notary or the reality of being able to be sued for what they said about the doctor and me. I found out that it created a HUGE stink in the district because it was NOT sent to the principal but was delivered with signature from the superintendent only required. They would not take his secretary's signature even. The office at the elem school asked if it was about Jess - they could NOT believe that the middle school doubted that she was sick. They knew her and how out of character it was - and how I woudl NEVER do that.

    It is hard to get them to school. I remember telling Wiz that I didn't care if he was dressed or in his undies, he WAS going to leave for school at the appropriate time. It wasn't easy but I made being home so miserable that he didn't want to be ehre if he was sick. Esp effective was cooking something he hated and playing music he loathed (country worked wonders, lol, so did the veggietales cd that we had.)

    I hoep that tomorrow is a better day for both of you.
  12. ready2run

    ready2run New Member

    i'm glad i don't live in the states. my kids miss school whenever i feel they should. no ones asks questions. they can do a wellness check, where they have someone come check and see the child is actually sick and still alive if they miss so much school and are suspicious. there are times when my difficult child has missed more days than he's been to, like in the last month.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Terry, in the state of VA, a public sd is supposed to report him/you if he has over a certain number of absences (I want to say 5 unexcused or 10 even if they are excused, but I'nm not posisitive). Even if the sd has overlooked this, if it ever comes out there can be an issue. I agree that it would be a good idea to call the sd and maybe asked the resource officer to get your son rolling next time instead of a cop on the street. I know you don't want to get your son in trouble (real trouble) or get long-term involvement from "the system", but I have a feeling that this is going to keep your son pushing more and more limits. Many of our difficult children figure out early on that the parent(s) doesn't want that involvement, tries hard to avoid it, and the kid just keeps pushing it more and more and more because they start taking that for granted. At least think about it and decide a "boundary" in your mind or a limit that if difficult child reaches that point with truancy, refusal to mind, etc, you would involve sd or police or someone. Would that be illegal ddrugs, violence, what?
  14. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    If you don't excuse his absences, do you think he would go to avoid school consequences?

    Since he is on the same diet as my daughter, I would talk to him about how eating the wrong thing can make him tired and give him a headache. I had some gluten by mistake at a restaurant one time and ended up sleepy and needing naps for a week or more. As a side note, I could barely figure out how much my share of the bill was. I could calculate it but not remember it long enough to get the money out of my purse. Then, I went home and laid on the couch for most of a week. I would not have wanted to go to school or work either.

    Not to say it is ok to stay home, but it is a possible source of the problem and is something he can change. My daughter gets the gluten lecture regularly. :)

    ETA: I went back and read your post again and see he was up during the night, so maybe the food issue doesn't apply this time at least. Still, when I don't eat gluten, it doesn't matter if I sleep 8 hours or 3, when I get up, I am fine. If I eat gluten, it doesn't matter if I get 10 hours of sleep or 3, I am going to need a nap and feel tired all day.
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Heck, I had an answer typed here yesterday but it didn't show up.

    I agree, I should talk to the school counselor again. I do not like the way she emphasized how many really bad students they have to focus on ... which means their efforts go toward them, or conversely, the baby geniuses, but not the kids who fall through the cracks.
    Advocate, advocate, advocate ...

    I am also going to come up with-another way to get difficult child to sleep through the night. hmm.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Why not make HIM figure out ways to sleep through the night? Have him write a report, with citations of websites that he researched, about things that help promote good sleep hygiene and insomnia relief? Make his game time or something else contingent on his progress with the report. It can be oral or written or whatever you want and it puts the task of solving his problems right in his lap, teaching him how to cope in real life.
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hmm. I have to figure out a motivation for him. He doesn't care whether he sleeps through the night. He doesn't care whether he gets Ds, because they're passing grades, Know what I mean??

  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    A couple of other ideas although not likely on the first I would guess. Any chance of introductory drug use? The second might be more likely. Any chance that he is facing social rejection at school and wants to avoid the stress? DDD
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    DDD, these are not new behaviors, unfortunately. Not that he couldn't be using drugs at some point, but it's definitely a lifelong behavior. Even when he was 2, he wouldn't finish simple tasks like puzzles or hooking little trains together because it took too much concentration and did no deliver immediate gratification.
    Hmm. What can school do to offer immediate gratification ... especially to the point where he'd get up and go even with-a sinus headache or a stomach ache. I'll have to give that some thought.
    In regard to social rejection, all the teachers say he is very popular. And his cell ph is always receving test msgs. He's much better at texting that real, in person communication.