Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
He's in the Hospital Chain of Events
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 661281" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>PASA, first I want to dispute part of what you wrote.</p><p></p><p>Your son knew the whole time he was there that you were advocating and fighting for him. What is it that he said, that your being a "Mom" was bringing negative attention from the staff?</p><p></p><p>Up to and including when he reassured the boy when he left that he would help him. He knew you would help that child. And you did.</p><p></p><p>It is a true thing that many of our sons have turned into our perpetrators. They know it and so do we. That is the truth.</p><p></p><p>It may also be true that some of us have been abused in our lives, by parents or partners, and to have our kids turn into our perpetrators becomes an exquisitely horrible torture.</p><p></p><p>I know what it is to defend myself from my child. And worse.</p><p></p><p>I have become so defensive, so unhinged as a consequence of his suffering, and my sense of being responsible for it, that I abdicate to some extent my role as parent.</p><p></p><p>I know I am not the lone ranger. On this board and everywhere this happens. There is no rule book to be parents. We are all of us just suffering, imperfect people. And we are dealing with impossible kids, often alone.</p><p></p><p>Nobody in the world could fault you for being at your wits end, and defending against even more pain and heartache. To go after yourself would be the wrong way to go.</p><p></p><p>First you do not deserve it. Second it is ineffective. Third, about 200 parents on this board including myself would have to jump off the cliff with you.</p><p></p><p>And about 500 parents on this board dread some aspects of interacting with their children. Their craziness, the way they look, their laziness and disrespect, I could go on and on. But I do not need to.</p><p></p><p>Because underlying all of it is that with our kids we feel ineffective, unloved, like failures, ashamed, guilty, and rejected.</p><p></p><p>Who in their right mind would want more?</p><p></p><p>Read some of my posts from the past few months, PASA, and you will see my guilt over rejecting my son, who thinks I have gone off the deep end.</p><p></p><p>(My SO told me yesterday that my son thinks I have lost my mind due to early onset dementia. What are my symptoms, you ask? I cannot stand to talk to him or be with him for longer than, say, 3 minutes without acting bizarrely.)</p><p></p><p>But he still loves me. And he knows I love him.</p><p></p><p>As does your son, love you.</p><p></p><p>They know more than anybody the ties that bind us. And believe me. Your son never forgot how much you love him and how you are there for him. No matter how many tense and hostile phone calls there were. He knows you were pissssed. And you had every right to be, as far as I'm concerned.</p><p></p><p>These are normal, human responses. To impossible situations.</p><p>I bet he did, but he knew you love him. He knew he f---ed up. He knew you were angry. And you had a right to be. He got himself in a horrible mess and you could not help him in it. Mothering him made it worse. But you still loved him. He knows it. And he loves you.</p><p></p><p>You did not want this, nor did you cause one bit of it. Other people did. They are the bad guys. You are a good guy.</p><p>Of course. And so do I. What is wrong with that? Given the reports you received from the institution you had no reason to expect any different from your son than what had gone on before he left.</p><p></p><p>None of us guessed what was going on at that facility, even we who work in institutions. It seems that the staff falsified most every bit of information they gave you. They did so to cover up felonious behavior. If they put your son in harms way for pay back, and it can be proved, they deserve to go to prison. If they beat him up, as pay back, they deserve to go to prison for a long time.</p><p></p><p>I would not be surprised if there is widespread corruption in that facility and this is but the tip of the iceberg. How in the world could you have known all this?</p><p></p><p>I have googled staff corruption and inmate abuse in juvenile prisons. It seems it is a national problem. I did not know this. Nor did you.</p><p>Too harsh and not ugly. Love is made of many things, PASA. But most of all, it is made of millions and millions of chances.</p><p></p><p>PS I believe your son was targeted because he never gave up his power. He never broke. That power, PASA, he got from you. If he had lost faith in you, he would have crumbled. He never lost faith in you or himself. He walked out sick, but strong. And after all of it, he was flirting with the cute CNA. That is resilience.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 661281, member: 18958"] PASA, first I want to dispute part of what you wrote. Your son knew the whole time he was there that you were advocating and fighting for him. What is it that he said, that your being a "Mom" was bringing negative attention from the staff? Up to and including when he reassured the boy when he left that he would help him. He knew you would help that child. And you did. It is a true thing that many of our sons have turned into our perpetrators. They know it and so do we. That is the truth. It may also be true that some of us have been abused in our lives, by parents or partners, and to have our kids turn into our perpetrators becomes an exquisitely horrible torture. I know what it is to defend myself from my child. And worse. I have become so defensive, so unhinged as a consequence of his suffering, and my sense of being responsible for it, that I abdicate to some extent my role as parent. I know I am not the lone ranger. On this board and everywhere this happens. There is no rule book to be parents. We are all of us just suffering, imperfect people. And we are dealing with impossible kids, often alone. Nobody in the world could fault you for being at your wits end, and defending against even more pain and heartache. To go after yourself would be the wrong way to go. First you do not deserve it. Second it is ineffective. Third, about 200 parents on this board including myself would have to jump off the cliff with you. And about 500 parents on this board dread some aspects of interacting with their children. Their craziness, the way they look, their laziness and disrespect, I could go on and on. But I do not need to. Because underlying all of it is that with our kids we feel ineffective, unloved, like failures, ashamed, guilty, and rejected. Who in their right mind would want more? Read some of my posts from the past few months, PASA, and you will see my guilt over rejecting my son, who thinks I have gone off the deep end. (My SO told me yesterday that my son thinks I have lost my mind due to early onset dementia. What are my symptoms, you ask? I cannot stand to talk to him or be with him for longer than, say, 3 minutes without acting bizarrely.) But he still loves me. And he knows I love him. As does your son, love you. They know more than anybody the ties that bind us. And believe me. Your son never forgot how much you love him and how you are there for him. No matter how many tense and hostile phone calls there were. He knows you were pissssed. And you had every right to be, as far as I'm concerned. These are normal, human responses. To impossible situations. I bet he did, but he knew you love him. He knew he f---ed up. He knew you were angry. And you had a right to be. He got himself in a horrible mess and you could not help him in it. Mothering him made it worse. But you still loved him. He knows it. And he loves you. You did not want this, nor did you cause one bit of it. Other people did. They are the bad guys. You are a good guy. Of course. And so do I. What is wrong with that? Given the reports you received from the institution you had no reason to expect any different from your son than what had gone on before he left. None of us guessed what was going on at that facility, even we who work in institutions. It seems that the staff falsified most every bit of information they gave you. They did so to cover up felonious behavior. If they put your son in harms way for pay back, and it can be proved, they deserve to go to prison. If they beat him up, as pay back, they deserve to go to prison for a long time. I would not be surprised if there is widespread corruption in that facility and this is but the tip of the iceberg. How in the world could you have known all this? I have googled staff corruption and inmate abuse in juvenile prisons. It seems it is a national problem. I did not know this. Nor did you. Too harsh and not ugly. Love is made of many things, PASA. But most of all, it is made of millions and millions of chances. PS I believe your son was targeted because he never gave up his power. He never broke. That power, PASA, he got from you. If he had lost faith in you, he would have crumbled. He never lost faith in you or himself. He walked out sick, but strong. And after all of it, he was flirting with the cute CNA. That is resilience. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
He's in the Hospital Chain of Events
Top