He's living in the basement

[recoveringenabler]

Take care of you now IAD, you've been on an emotional roller coaster the last week, it's time to nurture you FIRST. Make sure you are getting special care for your tender heart now.......be so very kind to yourself. This is all hard stuff, let yourself just let go and rest. Do a lot of resting. A lot.

Hugs to you......

 

[in a daze]

Take care of you now IAD, you've been on an emotional roller coaster the last week, it's time to nurture you FIRST. Make sure you are getting special care for your tender heart now.......be so very kind to yourself. This is all hard stuff, let yourself just let go and rest. Do a lot of resting. A lot.

Hugs to you......

Aw, thanks, RE. You're so sweet!

I checked on facebook and difficult child is now chatting. It must be hard to chat when you're hungry.

 

[wakeupcall]

Isn't it exhausting trying to dodge this crud all the time?
The only time I even see my 19 year old is when he wants something. Now it's a new phone....hahahahahahahahahaha. Fat chance. Don't have time to call me? Or text me? Or come by my house? Sorry. Exhausting.....

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

So now he is trying to manipulate me by making me think he is starving to death. I thought I had all the bases covered when I spoke to caseworker and talked to him. Silly me.

Not silly me, IAD. Trusting me. You are doing something really hard very well. It isn't so much about how your difficult child approaches you or what he needs this time or whether he's lied to get it. In this time, it is about you, and about your learning, and about your growing strength and understanding.

I'm sorry this is happening. It sounds like husband is strong and supportive, and that is good.

I like it that you are not giving him money.

We brought food, not money, to difficult child son, too. They are never appreciative (just the opposite) but we must learn to take comfort in having done what we could do for them, anyway.

I am sorry for the hurt of it, IAD.

It was never supposed to be like this ~ not for any of us.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

He takes a script that is addictive?

When you said he moved into the basement it reminded me of my daughter. Granted, it was OUR basement, but she did it to try to mute the smell of pot, which she swore was incense (and she did mix incense in) and she took other drugs down there where we were less apt to see her high.

I'm not saying your son isn't clean. I'm just offering the possibility that he isn't clean (which is always possible) and that he complies with the treatment to get this drug they give him. The basement thing just reminded me of how Daughter suddenly moved her stuff downstairs and we thought it was just being a teenager and wanting privacy. Well, it WAS, but...

 

[in a daze]

I am sorry for the hurt of it, IAD.
It was never supposed to be like this ~ not for any of us.
Cedar

It's tragic and heartbreaking. But life goes on.

He takes a script that is addictive?
When you said he moved into the basement it reminded me of my daughter. Granted, it was OUR basement, but she did it to try to mute the smell of pot, which she swore was incense (and she did mix incense in) and she took other drugs down there where we were less apt to see her high.
I'm not saying your son isn't clean. I'm just offering the possibility that he isn't clean (which is always possible) and that he complies with the treatment to get this drug they give him. The basement thing just reminded me of how Daughter suddenly moved her stuff downstairs and we thought it was just being a teenager and wanting privacy. Well, it WAS, but...

He was moved to the basement because they had been complaining that his room smelled. He had been telling me this for the last few months. He doesn't shower or do his laundry consistently. The laundry and showers were getting better for a while but then not, and he says he's been keeping up with it since he was moved to the basement. He was upset about moving to the basement. And if he's doing drugs while we are paying for a sober living environment, I'm really going to be mad at him and at the facility. He just was discharged from Intensive Outpatient last week and I asked his caseworker to follow up about the drug testing but now he's been discharged. He said they were dropping him every time there and I tend to believe him.

He likes to take these questionable expensive supplements which he may be spending his money on. I did inform his care team.

And the Lyrica is a lower abuse potential than say, Vicodin, which I think is a schedule 2. I don't think he's abusing it. He's only filled it once since the first week in December. It is an off label use for anxiety. It is better than benzos, which have high abuse potential.

I haven't heard from him. He hasn't put anything else since on the Express Pay American Express card. I checked this AM. There was only one charge, and that was something my husband bought.

I can't help. He has to figure it out himself. I am seeing him Tuesday and taking him to get the results of a job skills evaluation. I will bring him some emergency groceries like peanut butter, ramen noodles, etc.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I can't help. He has to figure it out himself. I am seeing him Tuesday

There's nothing else you can do until Tuesday IAD, do your level best to put it all aside until you see him and enjoy today and tomorrow.......put him "on hold" for the next two days and do some very, very kind and nurturing things for YOU. You deserve it, this is a long haul movie for you, take every moment you can to rest and renew yourself........

 

[in a daze]

There's nothing else you can do until Tuesday IAD, do your level best to put it all aside until you see him and enjoy today and tomorrow.......put him "on hold" for the next two days and do some very, very kind and nurturing things for YOU. You deserve it, this is a long haul movie for you, take every moment you can to rest and renew yourself........

Thank you, RE.

Sunday night he was texting husband. Apparently he's been figuring out how much he will get back from income tax refund but won't be as much as he thinks as we may claim him as a dependent this year. I'm not getting into that. husband is the financial guy. I will repeat "talk to dad" "talk to dad".

He called me last night to remind me that the rent is due and to tell me they changed his hours tomorrow so he can't go. He wanted me to come anyway and take him to Link card office. I told him no, it's two blocks from his house. He replied, I have trouble filling out forms, but whateverrr...

I did not ask him how he was getting food. I did not ask him if he had gotten Lyrica script. He texted back wanting to know psychiatric clinic number. I gave it to him then shut off my phone.

I'm putting in another call for his caseworker.

So he's alive,and surviving. His ancestors lived through a famine in 1850's Ireland and so will he. If, in fact he's really starving.

 

[in a daze]

I'm afraid to engage him. i'm afraid of getting sucked into his drama. I'm afraid of enabling him and falling prey to his manipulation. So I don't want to talk to him, except for very rudimentary conversation.

If he calls I am going to have husband with me.

 

[2much2recover]

I'm afraid to engage him. i'm afraid of getting sucked into his drama. I'm afraid of enabling him and falling prey to his manipulation. So I don't want to talk to him, except for very rudimentary conversation.

I hear you on that! I also fear getting sucked into drama AND falling prey to manipulations so you have my support on just keeping things to small talk, can I get an AMEN SISTER to that?

 

[Childofmine]

When back and forth and drama and manipulation and pressure are at an all time high...you need support. Your husband, boundaries you identify ahead of time like: my phone will be off every day between 2 and 4 pm, space and distance, a script for when you do talk to him. I used to type up a list of responses that read like this: oh really. That sounds good (interesting, challenging, hard etc). I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sure you will figure it out. I'm sorry honey someone is at th door. I would whip this out as my heart was pounding when his name would flash up on the screen and every good thought I ever had about how i was going to handle myself this time would fly out of my head.

This is the work toward detachment with love.

If we could figure it all out for them and make their path smooth, we would. But the hard truth is we can't.

Like MWM said there is so much food for homeless people so let that one go.

Believe me---I had to find out for myself but when I did I learned my son could have three meals every weekday and two on the weekend. Let that one go.

Try to turn the bright light of focus onto yourself IAd. Make it a daily practice and little by little it will become a habit. And then there will be more and more peace. Warm hugs. We care.

 

[in a daze]

I hear you on that! I also fear getting sucked into drama AND falling prey to manipulations so you have my support on just keeping things to small talk, can I get an AMEN SISTER to that?

AMEN SISTER! You know what I'm talking about!

When back and forth and drama and manipulation and pressure are at an all time high...you need support. Your husband, boundaries you identify ahead of time like: my phone will be off every day between 2 and 4 pm, space and distance, a script for when you do talk to him. I used to type up a list of responses that read like this: oh really. That sounds good (interesting, challenging, hard etc). I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sure you will figure it out. I'm sorry honey someone is at th door. I would whip this out as my heart was pounding when his name would flash up on the screen and every good thought I ever had about how i was going to handle myself this time would fly out of my head.
This is the work toward detachment with love.

Yes. Fortunately he doesn't call too often so when he does call out of the blue my heart really does start pounding. I've changed my ring tone a couple of times because even the ring tone makes my heart rate go up even if it isn't him on the other end. He usually sends me texts.

Families Anonymous has a pamphlet things to say when difficult adult child calls. I have to look for it.

Anyway, I have spoken to my therapist, my husband is on board, I put a call in for his caseworker, and that's as much as I can do. I am trying to put the focus on me, I'm really trying, but it's soooo hard to stop thinking about him and his issues.

About the phone, COM, I block his number sometimes especially at night. Not that he's abusive with the calls or anything, it's just a way of making my home MY sanctuary. He can call my husband if it's such an emergency (it's got to be a true emergency for him to call his dad, lol)

 

[2much2recover]

've changed my ring tone a couple of times because even the ring tone makes my heart rate go up even if it isn't him on the other end.

Is there a way on your phone where you can assign his contact a special ring tone? I did that on our home phone and it gave me the freedom to answer/not answer depending on how I was feeling on any given day.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You've got all your supports in order IAD, you've got all your tools and you're putting the focus on you as best you can. Good job. It's as if we have to retrain our brains and our thoughts to get off the vigil we've been holding for our kids for so long.

I read that when we continue to think the same thoughts, in particular ones around fear, it's as if we create a new neuro-pathway in our brains that the thoughts then naturally follow. What needs to happen is for us to create a new pathway, with new thoughts, so that we don't automatically go right in to the fearful, usual ones. That takes effort. But it can be done. Make a conscious effort to observe those thoughts and shift them when you can. I did that, and over time, I got myself out of that familiar way of thinking I had been thinking for a very long time. Meditation helps. So do things like yoga or Tai Chi, where you relax the mind. I really like reading books and watching videos and listening to CD's by Eckhart Tolle, he reminds me to let go of those thoughts. Whatever or whomever you can find to help you do that will assist you in letting go of thinking about your son and his issues all the time. Hang in there IAD, it's hard, but you're doing all the right things.

 

[in a daze]

I read that when we continue to think the same thoughts, in particular ones around fear, it's as if we create a new neuro-pathway in our brains that the thoughts then naturally follow. What needs to happen is for us to create a new pathway, with new thoughts, so that we don't automatically go right in to the fearful, usual ones. That takes effort. But it can be done.

I need to do this!

Is there a way on your phone where you can assign his contact a special ring tone? I did that on our home phone and it gave me the freedom to answer/not answer depending on how I was feeling on any given day

I'm going to look into this right now!

It's as if we have to retrain our brains and our thoughts to get off the vigil we've been holding for our kids for so long.

Yes! need to take the focus off him and put it on ME.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You sound better IAD.
Sending you big hugs.........you've had a rough ride lately...........be VERY kind to yourself!