He's never going to move out

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ML, Apr 28, 2009.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    We've made it too easy on stepson J. He has no incentive. We made the rent just enough to cover food. I agreed to this because he's unemployed and wants to save his money to go back to college. I support that (literally I guess lol). So I think he socks away 800 to a grand a month but I do see him researching the course catalogues and making apts with guidance counselors. He keeps changing his mind daily about what he really wants. But if he's in motion in a forward direction that's enough to keep me off his back. He still sleeps most of the day. He has a job to finish upstairs, the trim to the pergo floor he put in a year ago, the wood pieces are still in the hall for it. I need to ask husband to ask him to finish it. I don't like to be the one to tell him to do things, it's not comfortable for me. I know that's my issue and probably need to work on it. He's not really any trouble EXCEPT that he hurts manster's feelings quite often but manster does need to learn how to deal with conflict. I don't know. I don't mind him here for now but I don't want it to be forever, ya know? Again, I much prefer husband to set boundaries. The problem is he *doesn't*.

    I don't know what or if I'm really asking anything. Just needed to "talk" and if anyone is inspired to comment please do; but no pressure.

    Hope everyone has a great day! ML
  2. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    Hi ML,
    I really think it is your husband's place to set these boundaries and to ask/require J to do stuff. You are not the bio parent so husband really has to be the one to take the initiative and then you can back him up. How to get husband to do this? I don't know!!

    I'm sorry you are in this position, must be so hard!

    Lots of hugs,
  3. ML

    ML Guest

    Thanks, Jane. I do like to hear it confirmed it's not my place to set boundaries with J. I plan to give it several more months to see if J really does follow through with classes and politely suggest he could do a few things. husband has 7 months of sobrity under his belt and I don't want to put pressure on him just yet. He HATES conflict. More so than I do :)
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi ML,

    How old is J again? It is so hard when adult kids live at home. As you can see by my profile, my oldest still lives with me so I so understand the dynamics. He isnt my SO's bio kid but since we have been together since Billy was two, well he might as well be his dad. Billy's bio dad has only seen him a handful of times and never supported him. Tony is his real dad in every way that counts.

    With Billy we dont know if or when he will move out. We truly believe he is some form of high functioning Aspie and it is just enough to make things difficult for him. He doesnt drive, he doesnt date and he is socially inept. I dont know how he would manage on his own. He is a good kid though overall. But that is the thing...he will be 28 on thursday...lol. He does pretty much what we ask him but only what we ask him. He cant be relied on to take the initiative to clean up just because he sees a mess. If I say wash the dishes...he only washes dishes...not silverware or pots and pans. Nor does that mean clean the kitchen! It is maddening to me...lol.

    He does help out though with money if I ask. If he has any money and we need it for groceries or a bill...its ours. He is very good that way.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey ML,

    Have you/H set down any date in particular for J to either be working full time or going to school part time? When you say a 'few months', that can mean a year or more. I only ask because setting deadlines has always been an issue for H and I with difficult child, and come to think of it, with easy child as well. I've learned that deadlines are necessary, but not always easy to follow through with.

    In regards to J not always being nice to manster, I get it, I have the same thing with my two. However, I really think manster's getting used to being around people who are not so very nice is different from getting it all the time from his step brother. I literally cringe at the way my easy child speaks to her sister, difficult child. Sometimes I get really angry because easy child can be very cutting and instead of her comments being able to roll off difficult child's back, I can see that difficult child really hurts from some of the things easy child says to her, even when I know easy child is just kidding! Are you sure you want manster to learn that not everyone is nice from his stepbrother? I would think there are enough kids at school and on the bus who can fill that role. But that's just my personal opinion - I've been told that I'm too sensitive in this regard.

    So as you've likely deduced by now, I have no real advice - just the same old same old "I know what you mean" thing. Hugs. I hope someone very wise follows me with some fantastic advice!
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I tend to agree that it's more his father's place to set boundaries with him. On the other hand, I think you should set boundaries with his father. It sounds as though J is not going to do anything until you make him do something. But your husband has to be on the same page as you.

    As far as the trim goes? I'd forget about that. He can't leave until he does the trim, and if he doesn't do the trim, he can't leave.

    I also think that it's ok if he doesn't know what he wants, but so long as he doesn't know what he wants he can't leave... it's a vicious cycle.

    If I were in your shoes, I would get the community college catalog and figure out when summer courses start. It should be about 1.5 to 2 months from now. You and your husband together need to tell him that he can go to college or do whatever it is that he wants, but he needs to be out by the first day of school. I really think that it would be better if you were there when husband tells him that as it ups your status to a "person that has a say-so" in the house.

    I'm sure that J is a good enough kid to figure it out, he just needs someone to kick him in the behind and get started.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It's quite easy, really. You make husband miserable and make sure that he knows the reason he is miserable is that you are miserable and if he wants to be happy again then he needs to step up and deal with it.

    I thought every wife knew that!

  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well........I don't know how you're doing it actually. I just had this exact same conversation with someone else (not on the board) and I think it's a matter of what you can and are able to deal with.

    If you are going to have him stay - I think there has to be a written contract & rules. THis protects you as well as him. Lots of hard/hurt feelings can be avoided by each party knowing what the rules are.

    If your husband refuses to set rules and a moving out date? Then give HIM a date to have it done by or turn the solution making over to you.

    I know he's your husbands son - but my feelings are this - rules are available for Monopoly, Wii, crossing the street - but when it comes to living together - the REAL life? People are reluctant to set up rules and stick to them, and then? You end up like you are now. Not really upset, just pensive and concerned. I think if YOU had a date that you could look forward to having your entire home back? IT would lessen the anxiety. If HE had a date to look forward to moving out? It woudl give HIM some motivation to get up out of bed daily and start putting his life back together.

    I can not see where drawing unemployment and living with your Father at age 26, and barely helping out gives any man a sense of fulfillment. Not having a sense of fulfillment makes you depressed. Being depressed doesn't motivate you to do much. So in a sense giving him a deadline or in better terms a move out GOAL date is helping him stay focused and motivated.

    This is an unnecessary stressor that your husaband is allowing to go on in YOUR home, and Mansters home - for the sake of a 26 year old man who if he had to - could find a place of his own saving the peace in your home.
    YOU could move out and get a place of your own and take Manster with you - but why? This is not the only home that your stepson has ever known - he's proved he can be out on his own. I think the fact that he could be on his own and simply chooses not to move outside his comfort level is wrong of him, unless I'm missing some greater part of the story. IT sounds like he's using you and your husband for his own personal gain.

    What if he decides on a 4 year college? Is he allowed to stay until he's 30? What if he goes for a masters? Four more years? 34 - ? Manster would be in high school. AND....it could be a reality - because there are no rules. Simply saying "What if he's here until Manster is in High School?" sounds ABSURD.huh? But what happens in 8 years when he's still there? IT could happen.

    My final thought with kids who move home who are not in dire straights or have a clue how to survive on their own - should have a deadline to move out. Period. As harsh as it sounds we have had to do this over and over again with the agency and Dude because we could only handle him for so long. BUT what allowed us to handle him at ALL? Knowing that in a few months or weeks - we would get respite. Sounds harsh but I promise you without a goal date? We never would have made it. Not that we wouldn't have tried - but we just wouldn't have.

    Hugs & Love -
    This really can be resolved with a move out goal.....in writing...and a few guidelines to make sure you know where each of you stands.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    OR......you make him miserable like Witz said - by saying......

    WE CAN"T - he'll hear us. :tongue: 100 nights of that - I bet someone would make a goal date.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he's 26, I don't get why he has no motivation. Hope hub puts the screws to him. He's on his way to being an adult moocher.
    None of us can live forever. I plan on transitioning my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son out of the house one day. The fact is, we CAN'T be there for him forever and he has to be comfortable before we are no longer here or he'll really be in trouble...
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'll qualify that by adding ...just pensive and concerned until that day that you get in a big argument about it in the car (did I mention that I always drive?) two miles from home in the rain and you tell your husband that he needs to walk the rest of the way home. Then, you can drive up to (insert your favorite quiet national monument or park that is at least 1 hour away here) and sit in the lot and decide that you just don't really have it in you to fight this battle alone anymore, and be sure that he knows that you just aren't going to waste your time caring about it. You're not leaving, you just don't care, so you're not participating in any of the give and take of marriage anymore.

    It worked for me. ;) Far better than three years of marriage counseling and trying to compromise. And husband is much happier and much more cooperative. And I know that I don't have to care that much anymore because it's useless to be the only one invested in solving family problems.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Or.......you can be like I was when married to x.....

    we had a roomie (female) already living with us when my x met this guy in a bar who gave him 100 to flop on our couch for a week. He blew his nose in the shower and shed hair like a collie. At day 5 of this? Our female roomie put on a latex glove and cleaned the shower drain for the last time except when she cleaned it this time she "whacked" the snotty mess on the mans chest while he was sleeping on the couch. (GREAT I LOVE WAR)

    Then one day I came home to find our female roomie barricaded in her room. Literally - dresser in front of her door. WHen I inquired she had me come in - and then sat with a pistol on her bed - waiting for the police to come.

    THe man in our living room had been on Americas Most Wanted for killing his wife and little child 9 years prior in TX. OMG......we freaked out. This smooth operator had even met our neighbor and "spent the night" with her. O.M.G.

    When the police got there he left without incident. He was out of money - hadn't worked, had no car - no future anything - and said "WEll it was bound to catch up with me." smiled and left.

    Yeah - so my roomie/move in level with people is about a ZERO and this was about 19 years ago.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    ML - I hope you know I'm teasing you. ;) (The "walk yourself home" story is true, though.) I know you're miserable and you're worried for everyone. I know it's hard. I do think your hubby will feel better if he finds his footing on this. He wants to be good to you. Men always want to be their wife's hero.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Star...only you!

    I have had many strays over the years and never once did they end up on America's Most Wanted. At least not that I know of!
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    YUP - when I write the book - it will NOT be a biography or an auto biography - nae it will be listed as Science Fiction - right up there with Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek.
  16. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Well, another option is to do what I did. Rob wasn't a step child but his actions were being pretty much ignored by his Dad. And his Dad never read anything I gave him over the years about disorders and treatments. And his Dad rarely participated in the family therapy sessions we had for the last few years. He was a great provider but, as it pertained to parenting, a lousy partner.

    And I sat on my lips. I made husband's life a little bit uncomfortable but we never really fought about it. So the resentment built and eventually I became clinically depressed from the *stuffed* rage at my husband and son and life.

    And it didn't do Rob one bit of good to have his Dad so far removed.

    And it certainly resulted in the end of my 25 year marriage as my depression and rage made it very clear to me that I had to get OUT to survive.

    I don't want to scare you but mine is a cautionary tale, ML. Be careful what you tolerate. You are not doing yourself, or anyone else, any favors by tolerating the intolerable. It's quite possible that there could ultimately be dire consequences.

    Last edited: Apr 28, 2009
  17. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    We had a similar situation when K came back to live with us.

    My husband is a mega whimp when it comes to the kids. The main reason I've always been the diciplinarian and the Maker of the House Rules. husband is here to back me up. Not that I really need it. lol

    K sat on her duff for months. Finally I'd had enough of a 20 yr old trying to be 16 again and told her it was time to become independent. And I found the HUD apartement, got her to the program that taught her how to drive then gave her a car. Endless things

    But K was out in her own apartment before the deadline.

    Now, not to be nosey........but there are grants, FASFA, and school loans the boy could be getting and he could/should be in school already. He could attend community college and work full time. I go to school with tons of students doing the same.

    in my opinion this "college" dream of his could morph into permanent living conditions if you're not careful. Saving for college or not, the kid needs a deadline to be out by.

  18. ML

    ML Guest

    Wow thank you soo much everyone for the great insight. I will think about what each of you have said and post again with answers and more questions. Loving you all... ML
  19. ML

    ML Guest

    I have read all the wonderful responses (thank you so much) and thought about them for a few days.

    J is not aspie. He's perfectly able to live on his own and has done so for several years. If it were a matter of him needed help with living skills I would much more accepting.

    J *is* taking advantage of us. But because husband is rather codpendent with him and doesn't appear willing to change, therein lies the problem. He likes J living with us and doesn't care if he ever moves out. J feels the world (or more simply husband and by extension me) owe him a better existence. He had a lot of heartache growing up and hasn't worked through it yet. Until he learns that only he can make himself happy and stops having this sense of entitlement he will continue this pattern.

    Unfortunately husband and I don't do well in the communication department. husband is an alcoholic for a reason. He can't handle life, specifically conflict. When I bring issues to him he retreats and I'm afraid of him using alcohol again. I know truly I'm not responsible for his decisions yet I still tread lightly. Truth be said our marriage is pretty shaky. If it weren't for manster I would have left by now but husband's presence is a sense of foundation for manster. I left his father when he was 3 and can see the damage it did and I just can't put him through more major upheaval. husband is a constant for manster in a world where too much change and trauma have occurred.

    I feel trapped by my past choices. I should never have remarried but I did and I have to make the best of it. My plan is to take things one day at a time and to live an autonomous existence to the extend necessary to survive. I have friends and I have you guys to share my thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears. I have tons of great things going for me and I need to focus on them.

    Thanks for being here and supporting me.


  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Big hugs, ML. I know your heart is heavy today.