He's on the loose again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We had a FaceTime with our son on Friday night; he was waiting for Irma to hit but was in sober living, had supplies and was safe so I was not too worried.

    He showed us his apartment and said his roommate had gone back to rehab for drugging. OMG what is up with this. My son had done the same thing last month. I made comments as to how when I was young drugging would put you on the street or in a grave. We didn't have rehabs etc.

    It was a good conversation but I thought....his eyes looked funny....but I figured they couldn't because he gets drug tested. I figured it's just me or his antidepressants or whatever. I didn't even say anything to my husband about it. I had a feeling in my gut.

    Husband heard from him via text Sunday that all was okay with storm. Then I got a text from his girlfriend last night that he left sober living since he was doing drugs (not sure what) and took and Uber to her grandmother's house! She let him in because she knows him well. Girlfriend is in college four hours away and said he could not stay there. Stomach punch.

    I talked to his Program Director and they said he cannot come back there because it sends the wrong message to others. I get it. If you are serious about being sober you don't need some clown using it like a hotel! They would help him find a place to go though. They are wonderful people there. I feel so sad that he disrespected them and the program.

    Son tried to call his dad several times during all this. He refused to answer. Angry. Then some other Florida number kept calling. Did not answer. Later girlfriend said he had told her he could go back to the original rehab he had gone to last year if he had a ride there. Last I know he got in a white van last night.

    I don't know where he is. He doesn't have much money. Is supposed to work today. I'm trying to remain detached as much as I can but of course I'm worried. I'm trying to work and hold it together.

    Why is he getting worse? He has all the education about drugs, what it takes to get sober and stay sober. Why is he getting worse instead of better? Does anyone know?

    I so don't get it and I've read everything on earth about this...addiction.
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  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh RN - I'm so sorry this is happening. I know there was a good upswing there for a while and that makes this even harder. The ups and downs of your signature is dizzying. I'm sorry I can't help or offer words of wisdom, except to say, I'm in your corner. :notalone:
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He is addicted and addiction overrides knowledge. In order to quit he has to desperately want to quit...his idea, not yours. Rehabs are no guarantees. Sonic's birthmother had been court ordered into rehab ELEVIN times before Sonic was born. Yet he was born with crack in his system. She was high when giving birth to him. Her fifth drug exposed birth child and custody of none of them.

    Rehab is a resource that people can use if they want to quit. Your son is not ready. Rehab is maybe shelter and food to him and, of course, you pay for it. And you do still pay his rent and maybe other expenses.

    My daughter quit without rehab. She didnt tell us she wanted to quit. She just did it. She wanted to. She was sick of the drug life. She was ready. She quit for herself. Not me.

    None of our kids quit because of us. They dont quit because they want to please us. Rewards dont impress them. Consequences often dont phase them, especially if we bail them out of the worst ones. Sometimes even if they go to prison they get out and use. Until they get sick and tired of the drug life they cant be moved.

    I have spoken with my daughter a lot. Most of her drug friends from twelve years ago, still use and are in and out of jail. They are in their thirties now. But...

    But thousands of addicts do quit. Every day. On their time. When they want to. Not for us...quitting an addiction is too hard for them to do it for somebody else.

    There is a lot of truth to the rock bottom. They have to be fed up. Each rock bottom is different.

    RN, you say your son is a binge user. Hon, I love you, but I think he uses more than you know, anytime he can. I always thought so. We dont know how much our kids use.

    While you can binge alcohol, not benzos. Taking benzos for a week under a doctors care...you still need to be weaned off. It is highly addictive and causes serious/dangerous withdrawals. Hard to binge them. And he may use drugs you never dreamed of, like my daughter did.

    Of course, one good thing about rehab is that they must be sober there as I believe they are drug tested.

    I hope and pray your son will finally hit that bottom and quit for good. It may not be in a rehab. When he wants to quit he will and you will know. The changes in him will be profound...you will know he is different. He just isnt desperate enough yet.

    Hugs and love.
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    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Just found out son is in detox in Lakeworth. Here we go again.

    Good God please make it stop.
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  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    RN, I am so sorry you continue to go through this with your son. While your son is deep on his path, make sure you take care of yourself....this roller coaster of emotions is dreadful......make sure you nurture yourself.....sending hugs for you.....
  6. Mom of Teen Boys

    Mom of Teen Boys New Member

    I am so sorry to hear this. Having an addict brother who carried on for many years and eventually became a meth dealer, the reality is they have to hit their rock bottom. They have to decide what that is. For my brother, it took going to federal prison for dealing meth across state lines. That was when he decided it was enough. But before it, nothing clicked - even getting his kids taken away by DHS!!! He had all the support in the world and tons of people that would have helped in any way possible, but that doesn't matter until THEY decide enough is enough. I am so sorry you have this stress, no parents should have to deal with this!
  7. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Oh RN, I am so sorry. What a roller coaster you and hubs have been on. No advice here but please work hard to find peace and be kind and gentle with each other. there are many times when I personally feel so sad not just about my son (who maintains he doesn't need rehab), but about how incredibly hard it has been on our marriage. We have wasted happy times and years in this vicious cycle of worry. We let it go and take it back over and over again. It's a fine line between keeping hope and still being realistic about the fact that no one can fix it but him. I'm sorry because I know how much it hurts. Prayers.
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    RN, I'm sorry you are going through this all again. I do believe that they will only quit when they hit rock bottom and truly want a different life,path for themselves. It's so hard for us to get to feeling that yes, this time will be different only to be sucker punched. Try and take of yourself first and foremost, hugs.
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  10. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    Oh no! This is literally a roller coaster. I hope he benefits from detox.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Rn. I am sorry. I don't know why either. Nobody knows, I think. Not him. Nobody.

    When he is through this part of his life he may be able to know. To tell. But that is the life he will create of his own will.

    I do not believe in rock bottom. Actually. I see him helping himself. He is getting himself to treatment. To detox. To sober living. He is relapsing but he is catching himself. He is doing it. Not you or his dad.

    There is a glass half full here I think. That is what I am saying.

    Whether I can survive it, is the question.

    The deep fear for them. And me too.

    I know I think about this in a different way than many here but I am coming to see our path, that of my son and i, as part of the manifesting of our love. I see the surrender as coming from me. The will that needs to be broken as my own. I am the one who needs to let go of patterns. I cannot focus on him. To locate results and expectations in him.

    Something that sam3 wrote a few days ago has stuck with me. It was about the love. And how not everybody can know that they gave all in love for another person. Could or would do that.

    When I allowed the deep wisdom of that in I realized I needed nothing from my son except to love him.

    I hope I can remember that next time.

    I found my son and told him that. Come home. There are no conditions. Just that you be OK.

    From that he seemed to step up. And show empathy. He did not accept the offer. For now. He said he had things he needed to take care of.

    What everybody seems to be saying is this is not tugawar. I need to put down my end

    This is their life to live.
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    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Big warm hugs. It's not your battle RN. Live your life in spite of his choices.
  13. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, RN. I wanted to let you know I am reading along and joining the others in my support.
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  14. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    My thoughts are with you.. I know how hard this is for all of you. He has to do the work though and want to get clean and sober. Please be kind to yourselves and know you are not alone. Hugs
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thank you for everyone's support.

    I have read that not all need to hit rock bottom and I had hoped he would not need literally need to be on the streets. In fact he refuses to be on the streets. He won't do that.

    I am thinking he is doing the "Florida Shuffle" as some call it, to stay off the streets rather than to truly get the help he needs. I do honestly think he wants to change but he can't do it right now for some reason or doesn't want it enough. When he talks about coming home we know that he isn't ready to do this. I have told him he has to put his heart and soul into this or it won't work. Nothing less will do. And from everything I've read and unless someone has a success story, them coming home does NOT get them sober or help them stay sober but only prolongs the inevitable and we do not want to go down that road again. It helped no one. Been there/done that.

    The program director where he was last felt that our son would be able to do this. And he was really starting to open up to his therapist there. However, he broke the rules again there and they won't let him return (already had one chance) so he has left there and is now in another program's detox - he has been to this detox before and it's lovely and I'd like to detox there and swim in their in ground pool.

    So all we can do right now is keep putting this back on him. It's his life and he must figure it out. I am so grateful that our insurance is allowing us this luxury.
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  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think change comes in increments. And then when it is time transformations. The increments (or shuffling) seem to walk out the terrain, prepare the ground, the support for the transformation.

    Today is the 4 year anniversary of my mother's death. Thousands of miles away I have been scratching, sniffing and pacing my ground too.

    The Florida shuffle. I did not know what I was doing. In one week I went to the emergency hospital twice once by ambulance after I thought I broke a rib. The first visit I had choked. I could not breathe. While I am older I believe that such is not necessarily accidental or an artifact of aging, but perhaps in some way a renegotiation of the terms in which I live and understand life itself.

    What I am saying is that what looks like the Florida shuffle from one vantage point may be something more meaningful.

    For me. For our sons. Of which I, they, may be consciously unaware.

    This is more reason for me to step back to give my son space.

    PS RN. I think your son wants to do it.

    While the 12 step model is profound, with the idea of "hitting bottom," it is one metaphor of change among many.

    For some reason here I am thinking about the Simon and Garfunkel song slip sliding away. I will go find the lyric I am thinking of.
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    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017
  17. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You know. The nearer your destination the more you slip sliding away....

    Whoa. G-d only knows. G-d makes his plan. The information's unavailable to the mortal man.

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  18. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I pray you are right Copa.
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  19. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Talked to him yesterday. He lost his insurance card. WTF. He moves so much he's like a gypsy.

    He is able to go back to the place he was at which I really liked. He called and apologized to the owner. He also says he still has his job. They gave him time off.

    OMG this is never going to end. He keeps getting so many chances and keeps blowing it. I can tell he still doesn't get it.
  20. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Maybe...just maybe...one of these days he'll realize his luck is running out and take real advantage of the chance he's given. I'm glad he's back where he's supposed to be. Deep breaths...you've done so well with all that's come at you.
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