He's ready for the next step

[lovemyson1]

After 9 months living drug-free in a men's christian home, my son is ready to move on to the next chapter in his life. He has grown a lot, but I still think he's a little immature. My question to you all is, what next? You see, I don't want him to come home, since home never worked out in the past and I refuse to enable him. But, he has no money, no car, no job. He works for free where he's at and that is how he lives there for free. We looked for rooms for rent for him and they are at the lowest $800.00 per month. Northern California prices! I want to show him my support and see him succeed, but I just don't know how he can start. He needs a place to live. I know he will find a job since he's charming and people always love him and hire him. He wanted to go into the military but found out they won't even consider him as long as he's on probation (1 more year). My sister-in-law offered him to live with her, but I don't know if that will be best either. Just thinking out loud with you good people. Throw me some ideas, please!! This is a crucial time for him and I want so bad for him to get on with his life and not relapse. Ugh...

 

[RN0441]

What about sober living for a year or so?

 

[InsaneCdn]

Does the home not have transition planning? (it should!)

In some places, if you are transitioning out of that kind of setting, social services and/or some charities have a jump-start process, where they will give you a roof over your head (typically a boarding house set-up, where you get a ROOM and meals) for 1-2 months and work with you on the job-search side of things. You have to be willing to do "whatever" works, not just the kind of job you like.

 

[lovemyson1]

Ya, I guess I need to look into that. He's in a program that is different then most... it relies on God, faith, prayer and good hard work. He really has changed and I thank God for that! I believe they honor him leaving after one full year and not sure where they go from there. He's a good kid, and he's really done his time.. but I'm so nervous about when he's in the real world with real temptations.. It's scary and I know that I have no control. I guess I need to talk to the leader of his home and see what options there are. Thanks RN!

 

[lovemyson1]

InsaneCdn, that's a great idea, I need to find out! Thank you!

 

[RN0441]

My son is in sober living and IOP in Florida now. Has been there for 2 months and 21 days in rehab prior to that. He says he doesn't want to stay there all summer, feels like it is a prison with all the rules. We want him to finish that program and then go to step down sober living. He is struggling with the program he is in now though. Doesn't feel he's the same as hard core drug users and he is not exactly like them but he is still an addict.

I also worry about all of this and next steps and his very obvious immaturity. He has no desire to come home but wants to be on his own. If he gets a good job then he can do what he wants I guess. We can't keep him sober.

It's really up to them no matter what WE do is what I'm saying I guess.

 

[worried sick mother]

Is it possible to help him with bills for one month ? To give him time to find a job and get on his feet. That's what my sons counselor at the rehab he just left told me to do. Not to give the money directly to him but to help pay bills and buy him groceries, tell him he has one month then no more help at all. A lot of people on here didn't agree with that advice but it seemed reasonable to me. I didn't want my son to come back without a penny or a job and say well you're on your own, I wanted to give him a chance and be supportive of sobriety. I also thought if I didn't then he might do something illegal.

 

[lovemyson1]

He is struggling with the program he is in now though. Doesn't feel he's the same as hard core drug users and he is not exactly like them but he is still an addict.

This worries me. My son used to say the same thing. Yes, there are people worse off than they may be but they also need to accept they need the help. If your son doesn't change, he could end up like these hard core drug users. Tell him to stick it out!! My son, has been doing this for over a year now if you include the last time he was in. The rules are super strict, but he has accepted it and knows it's only for a season. His journey will continue. We try to give him that hope.

Is it possible to help him with bills for one month ? To give him time to find a job and get on his feet. That's what my sons counselor at the rehab he just left told me to do. Not to give the money directly to him but to help pay bills and buy him groceries, tell him he has one month then no more help at all. A lot of people on here didn't agree with that advice but it seemed reasonable to me. I didn't want my son to come back without a penny or a job and say well you're on your own, I wanted to give him a chance and be supportive of sobriety. I also thought if I didn't then he might do something illegal.

I like this idea and yes, my husband already told him we would cover his first months rent. Guess groceries and stuff will also be included. I guess we just need to start the process.

We just got a letter from him and he said he would be patient and finish the year which will end in August. The last time we talked to him he just found out that the military rejected him so he was upset and just wanted some positive news. He apologized for asking for our help and understands that he needs to figure this out. We decided we're going to visit him this weekend and help him with a plan.

I'm appreciating each of your ideas though.. this is new to me. Yes, it's been going on for 4 years, but this part is new. Transitioning is what I want to do right and hopefully he will finally be successful this time! Fingers crossed!!

 

[Sister's Keeper]

Is there any way he can stay where he is and work outside of the program and pay rent until he saves enough for his own place?

I would also look at shared sober living environment. Maybe social services has some ideas or resources.

Would he be eligible for housing assistance?

I get it. I'm on the opposite coast, but we are a high rent district, too. It sucks. It makes it so hard for young people starting out.

 

[Kathy813]

You son can't be the only one that has been in this situation at the program. I would definitely ask what they suggest as far as aftercare and a possible step-down living situation.

Having said that, I think limited help on a short term basis would be okay. With my daughter, my therapist suggested something like the first month rent, then half the next month, then a quarter the next month, and then on her own. He can also apply for food stamps. You don't want to set him up for failure and since he has done his part (9 months sober and finished the treatment program), I don't see any problem with a little help to get on his feet.

Worried sick, I don't think people were saying you shouldn't help when the loved one is doing the right thing. In your son's situation, he has returned to the same setting with a drug using girlfriend so I think the posters were worried that helping him with the rent would be enabling the same behaviors.

lovemyson1, I am rooting for your son!!

~Kathy

 

[lovemyson1]

Is there any way he can stay where he is and work outside of the program and pay rent until he saves enough for his own place?

I'm not sure, we keep asking him if they will allow him to get paid while he works. He's been working the whole time but it goes towards the housing he's in. He never has a dime, but works 5-7 times per week. I have my homework cut out for me to find out all this stuff. How does one contact social services?

 

[lovemyson1]

You son can't be the only one that has been in this situation at the program. I would definitely ask what they suggest as far as aftercare and a possible step-down living situation.

Having said that, I think limited help on a short term basis would be okay. With my daughter, my therapist suggested something like the first month rent, then half the next month, then a quarter the next month, and then on her own. He can also apply for food stamps. You don't want to set him up for failure and since he has done his part (9 months sober and finished the treatment program), I don't see any problem with a little help to get on his feet.

lovemyson1, I am rooting for your son!!

~Kathy

I love that idea!! And thank you so much for rooting for him. I know you've been with me from the beginning and know my heartaches and pain.. From what my son has told us, most of these facilities "bless them out" which means they graduated but they usually prefer they go into the ministry serving God. I don't think my son wants to do that. At one point he did, but not any more. He wants to continue his walk with God but not in that capacity. So, I'm thinking they don't give a lot of support for other type of transitioning. I will be asking a lot of questions from now until August.

 

[Kathy813]

His 6 month mandatory drug rehab is done. He relapsed 4 months after getting clean & spent 100 days sober & living in a church sponsored life-changing, very strict christian based program until we brought him home June 2015 and after 7 days relapsed. He's been back at the Men's Home since 8/26/15 and doing extremely well, sober, healthy & content.

I just went back and read your signature. Your son has a history of relapse so I would be very worried about whether he can maintain sobriety on his own. I think a sober living facility would probably be a good idea so he would be in a structured environment as he starts earning money. My daughter always does great in treatment programs. She has trouble maintaining sobriety when she is out in the real world making money.

 

[lovemyson1]

I think a sober living facility would probably be a good idea so he would be in a structured environment as he starts earning money.

Yes, I'm worried too. The thing is, it would be a change for him since the home he's in is based on Faith not meetings. But I agree that he would need support and tools to maintain his sobriety. I think that they believe since God changed him and he stopped using through this program, they may believe that he doesn't need this. Not sure. But with his past relapses, I truly believe he needs support, accountability, and tools to be successful. I will push for this.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

I'm not sure, we keep asking him if they will allow him to get paid while he works. He's been working the whole time but it goes towards the housing he's in. He never has a dime, but works 5-7 times per week. I have my homework cut out for me to find out all this stuff. How does one contact social services?

Does he work outside of the facility and they take his paycheck or does he work for the program?

As for social services, and I realize that this will vary just google {whatever county he lives in} department of social services. You should get a website. The one for my county has various tabs. One of them is "county services." They have "addiction services" "housing services" "job training" etc. Maybe there is someone there that your son can contact who can help him.

I'm not sure what services are available, but it can't hurt to ask, or to make an appointment with a counselor.

 

[lovemyson1]

SK, the men's home gets the jobs and the men work and the home gets the paycheck. I will look into the info you gave me and thank you very much!!

 

[ksm]

You might research Oxford House for that area. It is a self governing type of group home for sober living. They share living expenses and responsibilities. Ksm

 

[lovemyson1]

Thank you ksm! I think a sober living home is definitely best!

 

[Sister's Keeper]

My son is in sober living and IOP in Florida now. Has been there for 2 months and 21 days in rehab prior to that. He says he doesn't want to stay there all summer, feels like it is a prison with all the rules. We want him to finish that program and then go to step down sober living. He is struggling with the program he is in now though. Doesn't feel he's the same as hard core drug users and he is not exactly like them but he is still an addict.

I also worry about all of this and next steps and his very obvious immaturity. He has no desire to come home but wants to be on his own. If he gets a good job then he can do what he wants I guess. We can't keep him sober.

It's really up to them no matter what WE do is what I'm saying I guess.

I probably shouldn't do this, but this statement has, seriously, bothered me all night.

What is a "hardcore drug addict?' What makes your son better than one? Is it because he isn't on "street drugs?' Or because he hasn't been in jail? Or had to sell his for drugs?

By your own admission your son has been in multiple inpatient and outpatient treatment centers. All studies have shown that in the past several years that prescription drug abuse is far more prevalent and deadly than "street drug" abuse.

None of our loved ones woke up one morning and said, "I think I'll shoot/smoke heroin/cocaine/meth today." They started somewhere and the somewhere is that beer that every young adult has or the pills stolen from mom or grandma. I'll tell you that is exactly where my sister started.

The difference with your son is that you have the financial and emotional resources to save him. I think by your own admission your son has stolen from you. has used in your home. The difference is you didn't press charges or put him out for it. If I allowed my sister to live in my home and provided the financial means for her to finance her habit she, probably, wouldn't have gone to jail either.

A big component of recovery is submission and humility. Admitting that you are powerless. Admitting that you are no better, nor no worse than anyone else. Admitting that drug/alcohol have made your life unmanageable. ...and accepting that and internalizing it, not just saying and doing what is expected of you to say and do.

Yes, I f****d up, and it is probably way too late for my sister. All the years I enabled her. All the years I told her and myself that it wasn't her fault because of our crappy mother, because of the abuse she suffered. I and she have made a lot of excuses. I still hurts, though. Every day. It hurts to be judged, to have her judged.

We are just at the point where we have stopped playing the game. She has stopped saying what she thinks people want to hear because she has nothing to gain by it any more, and I have stopped believing that I can save, or even help her.

I am not a religious person, but "There, but for the grace of God, go I."

 

[RN0441]

SK:

I appreciate your input but as you know I cannot control how my son sees himself. I cannot keep him sober. It's all up to him. I don't think he feels he is better at all but different. Some of the people he is housed with are middle aged men and he has a hard time identifying with them. I get that. I don't think he's mature enough to really understand it all. We are being supportive parents to him as he is sober now and working and he wants to continue to be productive. I know that he means it. He is looking for a better paying job but continues to work at current job. He is doing everything we want him to do. He is doing better than he has ever done living at home. We continue to guide him in the way we want him to go and he asks our advice often.

I do not discuss things with him that I mention on here. I say very little to him about any of it. It's not about me. Everyone has their own struggles with their own addiction and has their own thoughts and I don't think any one person is pure textbook on how things are going to play out. Like most of us I imagine, I don't care HOW he gets to where he needs to be but I just PRAY that he does get there!!