He's so sad, it is breaking my heart...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Aug 30, 2010.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Tigger is having a hard time adjusting to the emotional part of school this year. His school phobia is under control, his behavior is at an acceptable level, and he is doing his work. But it seems that even 8 kids in a room is a lot for him :(

    He came home today very upset that one boy from his class told another boy (a minor-difficult child from the gened class that they have recess with) that he couldn't be friends with Tigger anymore. Per Tigger, the gened boy who he has been friends with since 4th grade is now no longer his friend. That grew in his mind to having no friends, to having no family because we are just the people who adopted him and he doesn't even have real siblings (the other 3 were adopted as a sib group).

    He finally cried himself to sleep. My heart is so broken. My mind knows that all adopted kids go through this. Just like all non-adopted kids go through the phase where they wish they were adopted. But I hate seeing him in pain.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Poor kid. :crying:
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hugs for Tigger, and you too. It WILL get better... It will just take time (and pain, unfortunately).

    I was the kid with no friends for a long time... It resolved. Eventually.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Poor kiddo. Can you and the other kids make him a card, and write a reason they like Tigger, and why they consider him their brother? You and husband could do the same as to why you love him, what makes him special, and why you consider him your son.

    Don't know if it will help, but poor guy.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    This is heavily impacted by Kanga spending two years telling him that he wasn't really a part of this family; that he was placed here by the devil; that no one loved him.

    I know he has to work through all of this to get to the next developmental stage. It just hurts that I cannot protect him. And it scares me that he is pushing me away right when I want to hold him close.

    And he doesn't have a therapist with whom he shares a bond. We were working solely with the school social worker as he was responding beautifully to her, but they reassigned her and he now has to get to know some new guy that hasn't even bothered to call and introduce himself (ggrrrr).

    (Yes, I know a therapist would help but we are between a rock and a hard place right now -- waitlisted and needing a therapist who can handle his issues).
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm trying not to let my hurt feelings (that he says I'm not his real mom) get in the way. But it hurts :(
  7. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Poor guy. Hugs.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Poor Tigger. Hugs for you both, I know those comments hurt even when we know they don't mean them.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh I feel for you. It is so so hard to see our kids hurting and sometimes you just have to let them get through it.

    I remember well when my son came home and told me I was not his real mom. Some boy in his class had told him if you are adopted the person you live with is not your real mom.

    Luckily I had thought about this before it ever came up. So I looked at him and said, what do you mean I am not real? I am not rubber. I am very real!!! I then said everyone in adoption is real! I am real and your birthmother is real. We are all real.

    It then kind of became a joke that I was made of rubber and we could laugh when the term "real mom" came up.

    Don't know if this helps.... but Tigger knows you are his mom, but he is also feeling the loss and confusion of adoption right now. The terms people mistakenly use "real mom" probably comes from others and just adds to the confusion. I would somehow reassure him that you are very real and you are his mom and that you love him.... and yes he also has a birth mom.
  10. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Thanks for the hugs.

    Toughloving - I did have a similar response (do I look like a cartoon :singer:?) Eeyore came out the other side more confident in his place in our family. I hope Tigger does too. Piglet has never questioned it.

    I tell them that both birthmom and I are very real and that we each played a part in who they are. That she was the one who had the privledge of carrying them inside her and giving birth but that it is sad that her choices and circumstances led to her being unable to be a mommy. That I was very sad that I couldn't get pregnant but that I have the great honor of being chosen to be their mommy forever and ever. That we are both real, that we both matter.

    He woke up from his nap in a much better mood. He just wants chocolate :)
  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Poor little guy. Many hugs to you both.
  12. ML

    ML Guest

    Oh I am so sorry. I like Crazymama's idea about a card. I know what you are going through in terms of wanting to protect and letting go. He does know you love him and he will work through this, just keep loving and supporting him.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Lots of hugs to both of you. This is such a tough thing to work through. Hopefully he will come out the other side a stronger, more confident Tigger. I have great faith that however you handle it will be exactly what he needs.

    He may wonder if you will send him away if he is "bad", partly adoption and partly because Kanga got sent away. I hope the teacher is able to help with this.

    do we need to send a boot the the tushie of the school counselor to get him in gear??
  14. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Glad he seemed a little better after his nap. While I think these issues are very real to him, kids do have the overreaction gene. Our natural instinct to protect and defend really kicks in when we feel they are hurt and suffering. Loosing friends is a traumatic thing for kids, but perhaps, with 8 students in the room, he will bond with another kid.

    You are a great mom and you will find the right words and actions to get him through this. I would definitely call the school and speak to his new counselor and request he make contact - soon!