Hey! I'm back!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Feb 7, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It has been a very bitter-sweet 2 days. It appears that difficult child will be locked in a secure environment for quite some time. The judge wasted no time ordering the commitment- oddly enough, the psychiatrist did change and request it on grounds of suicide risk, not risk to me or others. psychiatrist, at least right now, recommends an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) instead of state detention but says he has no control over what judge will actually sentence.

    He says he can request a psychiatric Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but problem is that many of them are not lock-down/secure and he's going to have someone look into various facilites around where they might offer psychiatrist care plus be secure enough for judge to consider it in lieu of state detention. He said he is concerned because he does not think difficult child would make it long in state juvy. We discussed various services (primarily in-home) and my concerns that being wrapped up in Department of Juvenile Justice means services are limited to what Department of Juvenile Justice normally funds. psychiatrist said he thought he could do something about that.

    I asked them (they a have a whole team on difficult child LOL) if they thought difficult child really wanted to kill me and they all said no, that he loves me very much. Of course, I know that this doesn't mean he still can't be dangerous- I just wanted to know if they thought he's walking around with thoughts like that.

    psychiatrist said difficult child definitely had a mood disorder, but he's not convinced just yet that it is BiPolar (BP). They had not had time yet to look thru copies of previous evaluations and other info I took to them. Plus, he said he didn't notice any pressured speech and other signs in difficult child. Well, maybe he didn't, but I did. Not that I could swear difficult child is BiPolar (BP), but I tried to explain that when the psychologist said difficult child came in right away going up to other kids trying to make friends and impress them that this is not his normal character. When I visit with him, he talks incessantly about superficial things or the other kids' issues. The psychiatric said she did notice that his thoughts are not always linear or coherent. Yep- but see, difficult child is not this way when he is stable.

    I'm not sure if he's delusional, in denial, or just so anxiety ridden and overwhelmed that he can't deal with the real world. Or if the tegretol dose is too much. They haven't made any medication changes yet though. psychiatrist said difficult child isn't accepting full responsibility for all he's done yet because although he admits it, he says difficult child minimizes it or acts like it wasn't as serious as others are making it out to be. He might be correct, but I'm seeing this a little differently and have to keep in mind that they haven't even known difficult child a week yet and haven't spoken to other profs that difficult child has worked with yet so they are just learning about him.

    To me, difficult child was talking like he could be home soon except for the fact that I was so stressed out over things. He didn't say it angrily- more like he's just not living in the real world. I know he knows better- he's pretty straightforward and understands how much trouble people can get into for doing things when he's stable. I also remember over-hearing some things he said on the phone to others 1-2 weeks before all this happened- it was like he was a completely different person and was saying stuff like he thought they would be impressed by it but even difficult child had to have known that these things would make other kids want away from him. The thing is, when he's stable, he knows better and talks about how stupid things like that are and he makes effort not to be that way.

    Anyway, they say he's there as an acute patient, but they are really giving him an MDE, of sorts- although I don't think they will be doing additional neuropsychologist testing. Still, it's probably the most intensive and comprehensive evaluation difficult child has had to date. So, I'm happy for that. I hope they have opportunity to see other "moods" and sides to difficult child so they can see a little more different characteristics and how they change.

    They are recommending that difficult child come back for his trial in a couple of weeks, however, that doesn't necessarily mean that they are recommending he stay here or go straight to whatever he is sentenced to. And, it doesn't mean the judge won't postpone the trial anyway. If the judge doesn't potpone it but he is still considered a risk, he would go back to where he is after the trial until he is no longer considered a risk, then go to whatever he is sentenced to.

    One tidbit that the psychiatrist insinuated but did not directly state- you know how we all get upset over typical acute psychiatric hospital's keeping the kid about 5 days then releasing them? It isn't just because of insurance- it's because they usually don't have a school and then it gets complicated trying to work out placement and homebound stuff. I had never thought about that.

    My son seems so out of reality. He just talks about another kid there who is schizophrenic (sp) and they can't get his hallucinations under control, and another who's severely autistic. It is sad. And difficult child just says "wow mom, you wouldn't beleive it- they have a whole team of 4 or 5 profs on me" like this is really something to be proud of. And he likes it and wants to stay. One of the staff say many kids don't want to leave because it is a safe place and the kids are scared to death of messing up if they leave.

    The whole thing just breaks my heart. I feel like I have lost my son, not only driving home without him, but mentally and emotionally, I just don't know where he is. He won't even talk about any real world issues. I honestly think he's either delusional or so anxiety ridden and overwhelmed that he can't deal with reality. But, so far, psychiatrist thinks he's just not taking responsibility. Of course, if I call up there Mon and tell them what I think, they will take it like I'm trying to make excuses for difficult child.

    Sorry this turned into a book. LOL! Thanks to who ever made it this far!!
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2009
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I made it this far :)

    I can't imagine what it must feel like, your right you are suffering a loss on some level. This is hard stuff and you are handling it soo well, you are a true warrior mom no doubt about it.

    I've missed some important posts of yours yet I think i get the overall jest of what happened at home and how you got here now.

    I think that you are doing the best you can for him right now, I think that this is a good thing right now, he's got an entire team working with him, maybe this will give them a chance to truly understand his diagnosis and what's going on even in regards to the medications.

    You have fought for so long and so hard to get ppl on board to help you, so help is finally here. If he isnt' stable to the point where your saying than this is the right place for now. I do believe in my gut a short stay at an out of home placement, group home situation with medication checks, counselors, therapists on staff 24 hours a day kids similar to him would be best. than hopefully he can be transitioned back into the home with continued services at a lower level.

    I"m sending you alot of hugs ((((hugs))))) hang in there your doing great.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    PS- Thanks to all who PM'd me contact numbers. I did try to call someone when I was having a fleeting panic between meetings. This was after psychiatrist first mentioned that he was recommending residential placement and I had a break between meetings and flipped out because I was wondering what kind of residential placement. Anyway, I had a chance to ask him and get all that clarified a little later in the afternoon.

    Thanks, Jennifer, but I don't think we are looking a a "short" stay anywhere- at least not a short stay away from home.
  4. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    klmno: "because it is a safe place" AND because they ARE trying to understand and also to give what he needs to be safe...You have done much. Very excellent role model for Moms alone doing this. Bravo!
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm here too. This is got to be one of the hardest things in the world to accept. I don't know how you have stayed strong and focused this long. I pray that he truly gets the help he needs. I just encourage you to not give up hope that tomorrow holds something better for him. Please take extra care of you right now. Love xoox ML
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Gee, I was hoping you had gone to spend a long weekend with Raoul. LOL.

    You sound like you are chillin' a bit and that's great. Having people believe you and support your goals makes a big difference. Hugs. DDD
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I don't know why exactly our difficult children tend to gloss over their own issues and yet can recognize those things in others so readily. I know that both times difficult child was committed to a unit, he was the same way. He didn't see what he had done so wrong---and what he had done was so inexcusable that I couldn't see why he couldn't see the seriousness of it. That scared me more than anything. It may be that they just can't accept that they are really that ill. Hugs. It is tough to know that they need more than just a parent's love to help them. I'm sorry.
  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Welcome back!! I hope everything goes smoothly for you from here on out. You have done so much already. You deserve smooth sailing the rest of the way.

    Shawna :)
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sounds much like Corys last psychiatric hospitalization in the state facility. They really did well with him and were impressed with both him and me with our understanding of BiPolar (BP)...lol. Like we didnt know about it by that time. I guess they really werent used to teens who asked about medications much less involved parents. I felt a bit lost too as I drove home the first time. It got easier and easier as I came to realize that they werent going to toss him out and that they were doing a great job with him. When he got placed in the residential program we both really sighed with relief. The place was nothing to look at, not fancy at all, but it was well run. They accommodated me by having phone therapy every other week so I didnt have to drive that long distance. It was a good place.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I"m sorry if i misunderstood, as i said i'm a bit lost at this point. I missed some threads and i'm officially out of the "loop" :) I meant nothing bad, i just wanted to tell you what a great job you are doing.

  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks All! I'm trying to get more comfortable with it. In some ways I was more impressed than I thought I would be with the profs. But then, the psychiatrist said "well, your son does have disruptive behavior and not all kids with BiPolar (BP) do exhibit that". I was sitting there thinking "yeah right- could you name one young teen boy with BiPolar (BP) who's had 9 medication changes in the past few months who has not exhibited disruptive behavior?". But, I bit my tongue. :) Maybe that was just his tactful way of saying that they don't all put a knife at their mom.

    I need to start watching better how much info I'm posting. I'm getting paranoid. So, please guys- be extra cautious about facility and contact and things we might all know but isn't public knowledge- at some point, my family will be involved and stirring up carp and these are people (my family) who tried to con the school people to get info. I don't want to be paranoid- but I know how they work.

    At least difficult child is letting them know that I wasn't instigating him, I haven't abused him, etc.

    I don't want to lead difficult child to go too far the other way with accepting mental illness, either. IOW- if he CAN take responsibility and handle detention, I don't want him committed somewhere with those suffering worse than him and "playing" on having more mental illness than he really ddoes. That was another reason that I'm glad he's where he is- they are profs and have seen kids who are at both extremes- I'm going to let them figure that out!! As long as I feel they really are watching and having several profs discussing their opinions as a team approach, I don't think I could do any better, Know what I mean??

    Most of the other kids there are exhibiting much more symptommatic behavior than difficult child. The staff told me difficult child was a breathe of fresh air- he can have a conversation. So, difficult child thinks he's big man on campus and is trying to play big brother to a few others there. And I guess the girls are hanging around him. This kind of makes me think that if he's going to be sent somewhere for a long period of time, maybe it shouldn't be a psychiatric place. I don't want difficult child becoming convincced that he is more mentally ill than he is.

    I did make it clear to difficult child though that "you know how you said what you were getting at psychiatric hospital and therapist and medications was not helping you?- well- this is your help so you better take advantage of it". I wasn't deliberately trying to stress him out- but if he's going flip out about another charge and facing state juvy, he needs to do it now, while he is where he is, because it will get him nowhere but in more trouble to flip out after he's in state juvy.
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2009
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No offense taken, Jennifer- don't worry!!
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am glad they are examining him fully with several professionals BEFORE they do any more medication changes.

    It really IS hard to drive away and leave your child there. I used to go cry in the parking lot sometimes, esp at first.

    You really are a great mom, and hopefully he will grab this chance for help with both hands and hold on until he has what he needs.

    gentle hugs!
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am so glad to see that he has finally gotten some help. As hard as it has been..........he is finally getting it! For that, you should sigh a BIG sigh of relief and relax, and give yourself a zillion hi-fives. You DID it!!! How long have you waited for him to get help?? And now he is.

    Mission Impossible - is Mission Accomplished!

    Now, going forward, in ways, it will probably be even harder for you, as you let go, and let the millieu team do what they are supposed do. It has almost killed me, to walk away, and have little to no input into my difficult children treatment. It is hard to listen to difficult child be all manic or wonky on the phone, and know what is wrong, and what to do because I am his mom!!! It has been physically painful to wait for the staff or psychiatrists to figure it out and then wait for them act on it - it feels like waiting on a bill from Congress to pass. ERRGGgggg. :mad: However, it is all part of them growing up I suppose, and our kids learning to be independent and take care of themselves. Yet very hard for us warrior moms.

    Many hugs............give yourself a big hug. You have done the right thing.
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Just wanted to send over some hugs for you -- I think you're doing a fantastic job for your difficult child. Hang in there!
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    But he's only 14 yo. :( I know it got pushed to this point because difficult child decided he was ready to live his life as he wanted, in many ways, instead of respect my opinion on things, but still, he's so young for this. And there are so many things that he will miss and that I will miss seeing- like a normal 1st date and ...I'm just grieving over a lot of hopes and dreams lost. And not knowing who I'll get back or when, if ever.
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Grief is all part of this klmno.
    In many ways it is like a death.
    A death of our dreams, and our wishes for our kids.
    Having them in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) brings the reality of their situation crystal clear, and forces us to cope with the fact that they really are quite ill.

    However, do not give up hope. You just never know where they will take their lives. You never know. Do not grieve the hope you have for your child.........just take one day at a time.
  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I lived through those feelings when my difficult child was so ill and it seemed like it would just get worse---and it did. Hopefully if he is kept somewhere long enough to get really stable, he won't be tempted by with the use of drugs and alcohol like mine did. Before he was really stable, he was thrown back into a setting where the only acceptance he found was with the stoners...he is finally, at almost 21, beginning to see that the lifestyle that looked so cool at 15 is not where he really wants to be...but now its hard to leave because during his formative young adult years, that is where he has been.
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's definitely where he was headed, EW- sex, violence, and substance abuse. I guess seeing him have a first date is really not worth him going thru his teen years living like that. You're right- it is too hard to get out of. And that would have landed him in state juvy too.

    Maybe the only thing I should consider right now is that he might have a better chance of getting rehabilitation and mental health care given where is is right now and hopefully, they will cut some slack for knowing that I was trying to get him help before things got to this point and this same judge who will be sentencing him is the one who agreed to hear my motion, but hadn't set a hearing date/time- for 2 weeks.
  20. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    It is so normal to feel that way. In fact, I am still mourning the child that I had hoped my daughter would be. When I am out and I see a mother and daughter shopping together, having lunch together, laughing, having a good time together I still, after all these years, feel sadness that I can't have those experiences with my daughter. It is a huge adjustment for us moms. I guess the first step is acceptance, we have to accept that our children are different. But we can enjoy them in our own special ways. We can still have happy times with them. Like you said, it is much more important that your son get the treatment he needs and is safe. The rewards will be much greater than seeing him off on his first date.

    Hang in there, it will get easier for you! :)