Hi all, new here and need help re: my almost 10 year old daughter

[Tara4us]

Hi, I am new here and a have a 11 yr old son and almost 10 yr old daughter. For the past year my daughters behaviours have become rather concerning. She keeps saying she cant wait to be a teenager (she's fixed on the age 15yrs), when I ask why she say's its a cool age......Im presuming this is coming from the Disney shows eg: Hannah montanna, wizards of Waverley place etc. She has a tendency to lie and deny things and you can have all the proof in the world and she will still stand there and lie and deny! She does just take things around the house (ie: goes into my room and takes what she wants, her bro's room and food). She opens random email accounts by herself and I find out by accident and she dosnt see the problem and says all the kids at school have their own private email accounts. She can be nasty and sly and will say things in front of other parents and I can stand there with a look on my face to say "stop it, this is embarrassing" but she will stand there and wont budge. She is extremely shy and quiet in a group/class setting however, as I say if she wants to make a point she will do so even if it means embarrassing me in front of others. Needless to say she has no real friends, she does mix with other kids at school etc but there is no real friend that she connects with. She can get very angry about something kids have said at school and I have seen nasty notes she has written in her room about them. We are seeing a counsellor who has said not to be too harsh with her in our punishments as my daughter will fester the anger and that's not good. This year has been a difficult year as we have had several bouts of sad/bad news within our family circle. I did notice certain behaviours in the year prior but put it down to being 8-9 yrs old but nowhere near as bad as now. Prior to that she had the usual behaviours of a 7 yr old and all was fine.........anything was just put down to being 7. My main concerns are her nasty comments about others, she seems to get overly upset and sensitive to what other kids say and thinks they are all being mean to her (she is extremely sensitive to what people say or how they say things to her), her lying and stealing within our home, that she can embarrass me in front of others, she is easily embarrassed by her family, always wanting more and better, what we give is never enough, extremely envious of others, opening her own email accounts and yes has sent emails off about toys, ebay etc...making enquiries etc.........she joined instragram and I had never heard of it and she posted a you tube video without me knowing (extended family members had to inform me). Any advice from anyone and could this just be normal rebellious behaviours and me and hubby need to crack down more. I will say with the difficult year we have had we have not been on top of our discipline as we should have been. I really look forward to any advice/info. Thx

 

[Wiped Out]

Welcome Tara,
Glad you found our little corner of the world. It is a soft place to land. I'm sorry it was a bad year for you. You said she is in counseling; has she ever had a neuro-psychologist exam or seen a child's psychiatrist to get there take? Again, welcome and glad you found us.

 

[HaoZi]

Welcome aboard. Glad you found us, sorry you needed to.

What testing has been done on your daughter? Does she have any diagnoses so far? If not, do you have testing planned yet?

 

[BusynMember]

Has she ever been evaluated? Sounds like she has some Aspie traits, especially since she is so shy and can't make friends. Any psychiatric or neurological stuff going on on either side of her DNA tree, even if she never sees bio. dad? (He still left her 50% of his DNA). What was she like as an infant? Any chaos? Seems like a lot of all-the-way-along odd behavior was just chalked up to her age, but I think there's more going on. I think she needs to be seen by somebody familiar with disorders. Where do you live because all countries have their own ways of doing things. I think she may be more of a differently wired kid than a rebellious one. After all, she's creating e-mails, but not punching you or mouthing off to teachers. Her embarassing comments may simply be social cluelessness, which goes along with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), if indeed she has it. She may not doing it on purpose just to make you feel silly.

 

[Tara4us]

HaoZi, thx for your prompt reply. One of the things that was suggested by the counsellor was maybe depression (we are still in early stages of counselling, only 3 visits so far) but oppositional defiance disorder was another as my daughter argues back over everything............bathtime, brush teeth, bedtime, off computer etc.......... I know a lot of the behaviours would just be normal to a certain degree and from me and hubby not being on top of the behaviours as we were in the past but some of the behaviours just seem "way off" in the sly ,deceitful and nasty area.

 

[buddy]

Hi, sounds like a handful and you're right to try to find answers now, is pretty quick that they ARE teens, right?

I agree, if you can have a comprehensive evaluation outside of the mental health system, perhaps a neuropsychologis who is a specially trained psychologist who connects behaviors with how our brains work and can help diagnose learning issues or .developmental conditions as well as mental health issues.

counselors can be wonderful, but they often do not pick up on developmental conditions(and will deny you even need to check for them) but we parents can leave no stone unturned, pretty soon she can refuse to cooperate at all. there's nothing worse than looking back and wishing we had checked something sooner. been there done that, sigh.

glad you found us! hope we can get to know you more!

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and welcome!

To quickly answer your questions: while some of this can be considered "typical"...a lot of what you describe is EXTREME behavior

and YES - you are going to have to "crack down". If your daughter is putting herself in danger by engaging in stupid, impulsive, risky behaviors...then you absolutely have to step in and protect her from herself! (Yes - even if it seems like she "should" be able to handle the responsibilites of a typical kid her age...she may very well be behind her peers emotionally, developmentally and/or in maturity.)

 

[InsaneCdn]

Well...
I'm going to be saying the same thing as many above me in the thread.
She really needs a comprehensive evaluation.

Depression... is frequently a secondary diagnosis, where the depression is caused by other problems not being caught and/or handled correctly.

ODD... is at best a placeholder diagnosis. It does describe problem behavior. That alone can provide some validation of the fact that this child has a real problem. But the diagnosis of ODD brings with it ... nothing. There are no accommodations, interventions, or medications, that work with ODD. For many of us on this board, ODD was a mis-ex, a red-herring, or at best a place-holder.

There are many other dxes that produce "oppositional" behaviors.

While you are pursuing the comprehensive evaluation, try and also get an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation for sensory and motor skills issues. Some comprehensive evaluators have access to an Occupational Therapist (OT), but many do not... but if you have an Occupational Therapist (OT) report available, the comprehensive evaluator WILL make use of it.
Plus... the Occupational Therapist (OT) has therapies and interventions and accommodations that help with both sensory and motor skills issues... and these are the same no matter what the eventual diagnosis(es). Whether the child is Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and has sensory integration problems as part of that, or whether the sensory issues stand alone... it's the same therapies etc.

 

[Tara4us]

Thx to all who replied to my post. Whilst you don't want others to endure the same as yourself it helps somewhat to know there are others in a similar position out there. I didn't mention in my post but my 11yr old son has ADHD and is on medications and he has improved greatly in the past year. My hubby wonders if our daughters behaviour is as a result of what she endured as a youngster (son not diag till 8yrs and extremely hyper as a child) so our house was pretty chaotic (still is at times!)
We do have ADHD, minor autistic traits and minor asperger traits within our family. We have filled out some evaluation forms and therapist still looking into certain areas. I live in Australia and I do know things operate differently in different countries.
Thx again for all your advice/info to those who reply. Tara

 

[buddy]

Hi..... We have some very experienced parents here from Australia ( not tons but worth many...they're great)...... I'm gonna message one

 

[susiestar]

Others have given great ideas. I will say that you need to lock down the computers and she cannot use ANYTHNG with internet access with-o you sitting right next to her. Tell school she is not allowed to use the internet under ANY circumstances because she cannot be safe on it and make them stick to it. School won't like it, but that is not your problem. If she does things onlne that seh shouldn't, she cannot be online unsupervised. Kids are the BEST people for getting around net nanny software, so don't rely on it.

If you need to, remove the keyboard and mouse and lock them in a cabinet when you are not using the computer. Take away any ipods or phones that go online, and if she must have one of those things, she can have one that cannot go online. If you look around you can probably find a cheap pay as you go phone iwth no internet abilities. here they run about ten bucks at dscount stores.

She doesn't have any real NEED to be on a computer, so if she cannot be safe, you cannot let her have any access. We have had members in the past who have met up with people they met online and got seriously hurt. Don't let the computer bring someone into her life that will hurt her.

Also don' keep trying to prove that you know she did something. If you know she did, give the consequence. If she denies, that is fine, she still has to do the consequence. Life isn't fair, and given her past lies you know that if something happens and she is blamed, well, that is the consequence for all the lies. period. Don't discuss, debate or negotiate. Say what is going to be, and then make it happen.

It is hard, and I am not sure what all is going on behind the problems, so an evaluation would be a wonderful thing, but until one gives you some more idea of what is going on, you have to protect her from herself, esp on the internet. That means taking it away unless you have time to sit right there and watch everything she does on it.