Hi all

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by KFld, Oct 1, 2008.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Needing some support from the one place I know I will always get it. Last I wrote was that my former difficult child was purchasing a home and doing really well. Well.... the home fell through last minute and he has made some choices I'm not crazy about but maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. I know I can always count on all of you to let me know if I am indeed looking at it the wrong way.

    He was only days away from closing on a beautiful mobile home in a beautiful park and the mortgage fell through. I felt really bad for him as he was so excited, but in hind site I think he may have been getting a little too over his head financially as his job at the hobby shop had been unstable practically since he started it, and there was always threat of it closing, plus his boss was a jerk. Yes, I said he WAS a jerk....

    So easy child/former difficult child/are they ever really no longer a difficult child??? whatever!!!! who is still on suboxone going on two years calls me a few weeks ago to tell me he quit his job. At first I freaked, then felt it was the best thing for him, now his plan is dragging on a little to long and scaring me.

    He quit his job because he wants to and feels he has to come off the suboxone. He is ready. Anyway, his plan in doing this included needing a few weeks off of work, which his boss wouldn't ever give him a day never mind a few weeks, to come off the suboxone and he knows he won't feel well while doing this. His boss was really a jerk and because of this I've been telling him for close to two years to look for another job because he was getting nowhere fast at the hobby shop. The last time he needed off was to attend his sisters highschool graduation in June, gave notice of this for weeks that he needed to leave work by 4:00 and his boss didn't come in and relieve him until 5:15 so he walked up just after his sister received her diploma. This is the same boss who asked easy child and his girlfriend to watch there kids for a week while they went to the dominican repulic and then shut their cell phones off when they got there and they couldn't reach them the entire week, then told easy child and girlfriend it was a good life lesson for them?????????

    So, I agree he need to get out of there. I agree he needs to come off the suboxone. I agree he needs a new job. One with benefits and much better pay. But....now he has been out of work for 3 weeks and just starting the process of coming off the suboxone. I guess I thought he was going to do it right away and be out two weeks later actively looking for employment.

    I realize there is nothing I can do to change this and I try not to really worry about it, but I guess he's been doing well for so long, actually 2 years clean last month, that maybe I make too much out of something because I'm not used to this anymore.

    On one hand I'm trying to be very supportive of whatever he needs to do to successfully come off the suboxone without relapsing, and on the other hand I feel like I'm harassing him to hurry up and get back to work. Good thing he doesn't live with me anymore :)

    So what do you all think??
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Karen! Good to see you!

    Well, I suspect you need to step back and let him figure it out. Sure, it seems like it would have been best to have a job lined up or to at least have come off the soboxone quicker....but they are his choices. Hard to watch it all happen, I know.

    Did you hear that our beloved Kris passed? It was a very sad day.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    No I didn't. Can you tell me more?
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hey Karen...

    Sigh...I can understand why you would be worried. Seems we always worry even when there is nothing we can do about it.

    Hopefully he is just taking a short breather and will get his feet under him soon.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Is he getting help to get off the suboxone? I'd hate to think he is doing this alone. He may have delayed out of fear. I can only imagine how hard this is for him.

    Let's hope he succeeds and then finds a new job quickly. Do you think he can get a good reference from the jerk?

    While we rarely approve of our kids' choices, we do have to step back and let them make those choices. All we can do is offer advice (when asked) and support. For now, he may not be doing this on a schedule you like but he is doing it and that's the most important thing.

    Good luck to him. Let us know how he's doing.
  7. KFld

    KFld New Member

    That is how I believe I have to look at this, that he is doing it. He isn't getting help coming off the suboxone. The women he was seeing was a real wack job. She was charing him $175.00 a month to see her for 10 minutes and there were times that he would call to change an appointment and she wouldn't return his calls, then charge him for a missed appointment. He has no insurance, so he was paying out of pocket for the visit and the prescription. He cut back enough on the prescription so he was able to kind of stock up and stop seeing her, but still have enough to ween himself off without running out.

    I do give him a lot of credit for wanting so badly to come off this, as he knows he can't stay on it forever. I guess I just worry because this is his biggest chance at relapsing after 2 years and I just have to pray that he has changed his life enough, which he seems to have, to be able to do this.

    I will definatley keep you posted.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am hopeful that he will be okay. It won't be easy and both you know that. Does girlfriend?
    He does have a solid work history now, so maybe finding another job won't be so hard.
    It's hard to watch them make adult decisions even when those decisions are what is best for them in the long run. I don't think as mothers we will ever stop mothering. We just have to do it without smothering.
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Hi Karen, really nice to see you again! Hard as it is, I think you do need to stand back and let this happen. Being supportive is great, but try your best to stay detached, too.

    My feeling about coming off the suboxone....yes, it's scary as far as relapse goes, but the reality is...he's an addict. He really doesn't need an 'excuse' to use again. It's a disease, the physical part is just one piece. I hear what you're saying and I would be anxious too, but just keep in mind he's in Recovery - not Recovered. It will always be there.

    Sending good thoughts & prayers your way!! (((Hugs)))

  10. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Thanks! As always all of your support makes me feel better. I just have to hope this is just another step in making his life and future even better.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Well, well, well....if it isn't Ms. Fancy litter receptacle......:tongue: Glad to see you !!!!!

    This is one of the things that I struggle with too K. Because....in a world where I have had to EXPLAIN to everyone or COULD explain to everyone that yes, he IS an "adult" (legally) there ARE some things about him that need to be explained, and I feel if I DO NOT explain them - he will get steamrolled or overlooked. Misunderstood is what I try to convey - because I feel unless there is someone (me) telling the world about my unique son - his handicapp is pushed by the wayside and then he's treated like everyone else.

    In a perfect world he WOULD be treated like everyone else - but since he didn't GET all the equipment that EVERYONE else gets - there SHOULD be someone there to help him, support him or manage things for him.

    Currently I'm in the park with others allowing my not-so-average son to find things out for himself. And again it goes back to - Well if he WERE like everyone else and figured it out - then okay - but when you start life short - WHY can't I continue to step in and help? To this day no one has come up with a better reason than "IF he doesn't do it now on his own he never will." and while I agree to some degree, IF he were normal....I still find my doubt in the park with - "BUT if he can not do this without assistance at birth, at 5, at 10, at 15, at 18 - HOW in the world is it going to be different for him in the future?" Some things are just missing and they aren't going to just MAGICALLY appear by me MAGICALLY disappearing.

    I hate the tough love concept for my son, and for me...and for all of us. But on the flip side of that coin - if he's never going to get it- WILL all the hard knocks make a difference? So far for us - not-so-much.

    Hope you find a place you are comfortable with regarding all of this. Hugs to you.

  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Will I ever live down my fancy litter receptacle???? :)
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You could tell us you're using a Dollar Store plastic bucket for refuse....that may help.

    Actually I also got a fancy schmancy litter doo dad. It's still sitting in the kitchen - it's shiney - I am trying to figure out HOW to keep it's shine and make it a functional container. So far I use it for a purse stand. :tongue:

    Hope you are doing well - And I think your son is in a tough place too - so prayers for him as well.

  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Karen,

    I don't have anything to say that's different from what's already been offered. I just wanted to tell you it's nice to see you and to offer support.

  15. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kfkd,

    I think he know's it's time for a change, and he's doing it. Think of this as another step for him to better himself. Don't be scared, he's doing it, as best he can. That's all any of us can do.-Alyssa