Hi. Another new, fried mom here...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sueb, Apr 24, 2008.

  1. sueb

    sueb New Member

    Just wanted to introduce myself. My name is Sue (surprise, lol). I have 9 year old b/g twins. My daughter was diagnosed at UCSF about 3 years ago as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), borderline ADD. She's been in some behavioral therapy since then but I don't see much improvement (and in fact, I think she's getting worse). My husband is "anti-medications" (God knows why...long story) so we're disagreeing about that with regards to our daughter. I think she's going to need medications to get to a place where the therapy will help. My husband thinks we haven't done enough to help her outside of medications.

    Talking with her therapist about it, she semi-sided with my husband. She said "well, your daughter can still attend school and such...". For chrissake, if we get to the point where she can't we've waited too long in my opinion!

    So that's a battle.

    I love the forum's saying "a soft place to land for the battle weary parent". That's exactly how I feel. My daughter can twist me up in knots soooooo fast. I'm hoping to learn how to deal with my feelings here so I don't end up losing my cool with her and making things worse...Know what I mean?? I hate my anger...I want to be a calmer but more effective mom to her (and my son).

    That's it. Sorry for the ramble!
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Sue,
    My husband was very anti-medication, since he's a chiropractor. Finally, after my son was becoming violent and I absolutely couldn't handle him any more, I gave my husband an ultimatum: one of us has to go.
    I hope it doesn't get to that point with you.
    In our case it was only 20 mg of adderal, but it has made a world of difference. My son began to have real conversations, was able to moderate his voice instead of shouting all the time, could follow a list of chores with-o a meltdown (still complained, of course, but that's normal) and was able to learn new behaviors and make them permanent.
    Part of his problem is a severe allergy to wheat, which we have not done very well with. If he could go completely wheat-free, he would probably not need the adderal. What a shame.

    If you haven't read The Explosive Child, get a copy. It's great.

    by the way, you and your husband need to be on the same page every step of the way. Our son's behavior improved markedly when my husband stepped up to the plate. husband would get upset because I'd fill him in on every little thing, but I explained to him that he needed to know, for example, that difficult child was grounded for getting an F in math, and husband would want to take him to Target to buy a CD. NOT! Now he earns CDs for a combo of good behavior, chores, and good grades, etc. He had SUCH a huge sense of entitlement b4 it drove us nuts. He's still very negative but it's gotten a lot better.
    Take care.
  3. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    Hello & welcome!!!!!! I like your title......"fried mom" sums it up today:919Mad:. You have found a "soft place to land"....so much support & wonderful information.....great group of people here! I'm sure others will be along to ask all the good stuff that helps everyone know more about your situation (I'm not an expert at all this....I wish I was). Anyway, wanted to welcome you!!!!!!!!!
  4. sueb

    sueb New Member

    Thanks ladies! Terry what you said makes a lot of sense. I hope my husband and I can get on the same page. I really am getting to the end of my rope. My daughter takes out most of her rage on me (I stay-at-home with the kids). She yells, tells me how much she hates me, pitches fits...and she doesn't care where or when she does it (if there's a crowd around, too bad).

    I really think she needs something to quiet her brain down enough so she can get some peace (as the result of her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), she's constantly reciting in her head).

    And I feel like we've done a crappy job in the entitlement area too. Spoiled AND ADD/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)....great! :confused: I'm going to look for that book. I've heard of it....

    Thanks again. It's so nice to have company! I've felt very alone with regards to my daughter and the feelings she engenders in me.
  5. Welcome, Sue! This is definitely a "soft place to land." Everyone here is so very helpful and caring.

  6. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    Welcome...this is a great place with great people who offer a lot of really good advice...
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You truly have found that soft place to land and are not alone. Glad you found us but sorry you had to.
  8. Welcome to the group! I hope you are able to get the help you need for your daughter. Husbands sometimes take awhile to get "it"; just let him handle her behaviors more then he will grow tired too. I have stepped back alot and allowed him to see how out of control my son can get and now he gets "it".

    Good luck!
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Welcome! Waiting to fail is not good for us or our children... most of us here have had to see that first hand! If you can be pro-active in any form of her life, school, home anything do it before it does get worse. Yes it would be nice if husband were on the same page, same book!!! LOL
    My difficult child, K, has the chaos on her head... it is very hard for kids to manage let alone understand, sometimes medications are the kindest way to help them. husband and I fought medications for a long time, stopped medications and are now having to go back. Which is the kindest and best thing for K.
    As far as spoiling... we have been told we are overindulgent! I thought about it for awhile the first time I heard it... got mad... then I realized. Yes I am sometimes, but who wouldn't be? When our children are in a Psychotic Episode, just plain miserable because of what is going on in their heads... not living life like "normal" children.
    Sometimes you try to make up for it. We learn to compromise, to do what is best first, with love. But it all takes times. Go slowly, read up and welcome!
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Welcome Sue!
    You will learn a lot form these folks. It is a great place to get support and the answers to many questions.

    The medication decision is a tough one especially when you start reading the side effects (although that is true for even something as simple as asprin). I guess one way to think of it or maybe present it to husband is by asking, "If you child had epilepsy, would you deny him/her seizure medication?" or "If he/she was diabetic, would you not allow insulin and other necessary medications?" Does husband see enough of what you are going through day to day? Sometimes I think keeping a brief incident log so that others (counselors, psychiatrist's, even your spouse) can see exactly how severe things have become.

    Good luck to you. Post often and let us know how things are going.
  11. 'Chelle

    'Chelle Active Member

    Hi Sue :bigsmile: Fried mom just gave me a bit of a visual and a laugh, our difficult child's helping themselves to a big serving of fried mom and just eating us up. Sometimes it can feel that way.

    My husband didn't like medications either, but he wasn't much involved in difficult child's problems, and would only join in when he didn't agree with something. In the end I told him to step up or step out, I would do what I thought best if he didn't want to be involved, and he stepped out. I wish he'd chosen otherwise as I think he and difficult child would get along better if he had, but at least he doesn't interfere anymore. I hope you can sit down with him and discuss it and come to agree on what should be done.

    If you've been at therapy 3 years and she's not improving, then in my opinion maybe it's time to try something else. From our experience with our difficult child, medications can calm a difficult child's mind enough to actually benefit from the therapy. Our difficult child was in therapy for 3 years and had not improved, perhaps was worse. He was then on medications for 2 years, which helped calm his anxieties and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) symptoms. He was then able to learn to manage his problems (mostly school), and we were able to take him off. Without the medications I don't think he'd have ever calmed down enough to apply what they'd done in therapy and see he could do it without melting down when things got outside his comfort zone. It wasn't an easy decision to put him on the medication, I did a lot of thinking and checking up, but I'm happy that I did.

    I recommend The Explosive Child as well. Helped me with picking my battles with difficult child, and how to relate with him to avoid things getting to that point. I find myself much more able to stay calm and not engage with both my kids when it starts to get out of hand.

    Welcome to the site, hope you find the support and advice and just an ear to vent to that you need. :flower:
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hello Sue,

    Just wanted to add my welcome.
    You have found a wonderful support network here. Please come back and vent whenever you need to. When you get a chance, you might want to create a Signature like many of us have done. It helps us to keep your details straight, and saves you from retyping them.

    You can set it up in the User CP area.

    Sorry that you're in a position that you had to find us, but very glad that you did.

  13. sueb

    sueb New Member

    I just want to thank everyone again. I was reading your replies and kept thinking "yes, yeah, THAT". Chelle, your experience seems to be just what we're going through. I'm going to buy that Explosive Child book TODAY! Thanks for the welcome and advice. I'll take all I can get!