Hi, New Member!

[michelenicole]

Hi Michele. Does "the child" have a name? I do feel... we are all getting into blaming this child's behaviour on him personally. He is four years old and has been through what sounds like severe neglect and abandonment by his mother. Which does not mean that you have to take responsibility for trying to make it better for him, or that you should be judged or blamed for the feelings you have. As Daisy Face said, every parent of a difficult child (and of "normal" children too, I suspect) knows what it is to feel that you just can't cope a moment longer...
But this is not an evil child. He is expressing some deep distress in the only way he knows how, which is a way that is doing him no favours at all and upsetting all around him. He does indeed need help, as does the family.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound insensitive towards my step-son at all. I mentioned my own son's name because he's my son, and I'm not concerned with his privacy. However, I made sure not to include my step-son's name out of respect for my husband (because I don't think he'd appreciate my posts here). So, I wasn't trying to be insensitive, just protective. But I can now refer to him as T, if that sounds better.

I understand what you are saying, that his behaviors can't fully be attributed to him because he has deep-rooted problems that none of us are capable of understanding at the moment, BUT I *do* see him as "evil." My child is suffering because of this, as well as my marriage. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't be here.

 

[michelenicole]

I'll play devil's advocate and say that your husband might have something there with the sleep issue. If this child is not getting enough sleep, that can greatly contribute to poor behavior. It could be due to bad habits, or the abuse, or some organic disorder, but if he's not getting enough sleep, yes, that is a great first place to start.

But could the sleep problems be related to the mental problems? Like he's not sleeping due to some mental health problem? (I'm new to this, so please excuse my ignorance)

He's never been a sleeper. When my husband and I would keep his kids during visitations before we got married, T would wake up at 3am after going to bed at 10, turn the light on, and be up playing. But, due the the situation he was in, he never had a regular bedtime. He's been on the same bedroom routine since June, but still falls asleep later than the other children and wakes up earlier than the other children. And yesterday at daycare he refused to take a nap.

 

[TeDo]

It could take a long time to get him into a new routine and it could also be that he's so used to being on high alert all the time that he can't sleep. Mental health issues can cause sleep problems but in most cases, sleep issues make mental health issues so much worse. Lack of sleep quantity and quality can cause aggression. Kids NEED long, good, solid sleep to function and he may not be getting any of that. He may not be able to go to sleep until the house is quiet because quiet means it's "safe" to sleep.

 

[InsaneCdn]

BUT I *do* see him as "evil." My child is suffering because of this, as well as my marriage. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't be here.

Do you have your own therapist? If not, you need one. You need to work through your own feelings, because otherwise, your feelings and reactions will compound the problem. If you can't get past seeing this child as inherently evil, it will be very difficult for you to reach him.

 

[busywend]

I personally think it is OK for you to understand the level of his capabilities and if it means you have to think of him as evil, so be it. I also do not believe any child is evil. I believe all children start out wanting to be good and have that feeling of making their parents proud of them. T had this desire broken early on. That is the problem to me. And it changed his make up. Or his make up was broken to begin with. Did it ever occur to you that the biomom locked him up because she saw these things in him, too? Is there any contact at all with her? Did they go to daycare when they were with her? What does husband say about his early years?

 

[DaisyFace]

I understand what you are saying, that his behaviors can't fully be attributed to him because he has deep-rooted problems that none of us are capable of understanding at the moment, BUT I *do* see him as "evil." My child is suffering because of this, as well as my marriage. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't be here.

I think you SHOULD be here. I also think it's important to ackowledge our feelings - whether good or bad.

Personally, I do think "evil" is an awfully strong word to describe a little kid - BUT

I imagine that the bulk of your reaction stems from the "Momma Bear Instinct" rising up at the thought that someone tried to hurt your baby! That is automatically going to negatively color your view of things. And I think that is perfectly understandable and NORMAL.

 

[buddy]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound insensitive towards my step-son at all. I mentioned my own son's name because he's my son, and I'm not concerned with his privacy. However, I made sure not to include my step-son's name out of respect for my husband (because I don't think he'd appreciate my posts here). So, I wasn't trying to be insensitive, just protective. But I can now refer to him as T, if that sounds better.

I understand what you are saying, that his behaviors can't fully be attributed to him because he has deep-rooted problems that none of us are capable of understanding at the moment, BUT I *do* see him as "evil." My child is suffering because of this, as well as my marriage. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't be here.

OH my dear, if you read my posts you will see I fiercely LOVE my son.... I AM bonded to him and Y E T....... I have definitely felt at times that he was evil..... I never said that TO HIM but it is human nature to feel that when anyone is doing such outrageous behavior. This is exactly why you do fit in here and do belong here! Your feelings of love, not love, hate, whatever.... they are legitimate. You can care about any human and still have negative feelings too due to the impact of their actions. But you have also stated you do care. You have to just be honest about your limits and that will maybe take some time. There is research and talking to your husband to be done. You are just as much a part of this group as anyone who has been here for months or years....

 

[BusynMember]

I've said it before; I'll say it again. If there are no other children around it is a different story. She has to take care of her son first. Although I don't believe anyone is born evil, I do think that some kids become that way because of evil people...and the cycle often continues. That's why abused kids often (not always) become abusive parents. That's why kids of alcoholics often (not always) marry alcoholics.

I don't think anyone is obligated to put their child at risk. You can not save every child. And this father is useless. Would any of you put your five year old son through this? If so, I would wonder if the person willing to do it really cares about her OWN child...

Very hard to understand unless you are going through it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Michelenicole- I agree with Buddy, you absolutely belong here. Let me start by saying, I am no expert in any of the issues you are facing with your stepson, however, I am a mom too, and I think every single feeling you are having is absolutely normal considering the heavy issues you are facing. You have a lot on your plate and a husband who sure appears to be in serious denial (also a normal reaction to the events in his life) so you are basically alone in dealing with this. It's overwhelming.

I would really encourage you to find a therapist, someone whom you can talk to, vent to, discuss these issues with, and who can offer you sound advice and options so you can have some support to give you the strength, resolve, courage, tools and fortitude to make whatever choices you need to make. You are in a really tough place. If your insurance does not cover therapy for you, ask around to find someone who deals with what you are up against, or at least, get the name of a therapist who is a good one, and then call them up and ask them if they do sliding scale, if they will accept whatever you can pay, if they do barter or trades, whatever it takes to negotiate with them to get YOU the support.

Whatever choices you make, it appears right now, that you are the one adult who has the power to impact the lives of all the other people in your family with the choices you will make, to stay and deal with all of it or to leave. I (we) all have no judgment on which way you go, none of us is in your shoes. And, I don't mean to add more pressure to an already pretty pressurized situation, I just want to acknowledge that you are the one seeking help, wanting to understand, trying to figure it all out, and in my opinion (take it or leave it) you will need support from professionals to assist you in whatever decision you make. I really want to support you in knowing that your situation is a really challenging one, that you absolutely belong in our little corner of the world, and that my mothers heart just aches for what you are going through and dealing with. Please get yourself some help, so you can sort it all out and decide which way you really want to go. And, there may be options in the middle of 'stay and deal, or leave', that you haven't thought of, which a good therapist will help you to see.

I am sorry you are in the middle of all of this. I am sending you a big giant hug to soothe your mothers worries and prayers that you receive the help and guidance you require to make all the best possible choices that will offer everyone what they need. God bless you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Hi, and welcome. Sorry I'm so late to this but I wouldn't have been much help anyway. The replies you've gotten are great, and of course you get all kinds of povs here. Your stepsons are very, very damaged, way beyond sleep deprivation, in my humble opinion. Yes, sleep makes a huge difference. But judges don't take away kids from moms because their kids don't sleep well. Your husband seriously needs a wakeup call. He wants to live in la-la land with-his young beautiful, new wife. Not going to happen.
Please protect your son. At all times. Don't turn your back for a moment. Also, do whatever you can to continue with-your degree. You are so close to finishing you've just got to do it.
Arrange for you and your husband to take turns with-the boys so you can have some time alone. Go to the bookstore or library or coffeeshop and study or just stare at the ceiling a cpl times a wk.
Get a marriage therapist, family therapist and personal therapist. Figure out a way to pay for it (I think that has already been covered here).

Also, be sure that your stepsons (one or both?) who have been diagnosed with-sensory integration disorder are wearing soft, comfortable clothing with no drawstrings or potentially dangerous objects. Also, if you can stand it for about 10 min, just to experiment with-your stepson who hits and spits, see if he likes being hugged very, very tightly. Then see what his reaction is if you gently scratch his back up and down in a relaxing way. Place a warm compress on his arm, and then an ice pack and ask him the difference. You don't have to wait for expensive therapy to do this all on your own.
When he is feeling wild and anxious, you can make a plan with-him to run laps, squeeze one another really hard (do not allow him to do this with-anyone else, especially an animal and don't even bring up the subject) or whatever works for him.
Do you have a male friend who is big and strong? He can help you with-this. I used to fret because it would take so much energy for me to work with-my son and I felt defeated. One day, a big friend came in and lifted difficult child right off of his feet like it was no big deal, and to my amazement, difficult child said, "That was fun!"
It was just another example of how different his world was from mine.

 

[ready2run]

Protecting everyone has to be your prime goal. only you can decide what that looks like for you. It could be you leaving with your son. it could be finding some other placement for the one causing most of the issues, or you could look for things to improve the situation for a while before you decide on anything. If I could go back to the day that CAS showed up to bring us difficult child after his bio-mom gave up on him, i would probably do things differently. but i am here now, and i struggle with the same issues as you do. Some behaviours may be different but they are similar enough. you have been given alot of advice here to try things with him that may work, and ideas on keeping the house safer for everyone. put as many as you think might help in place and look for other things you can do around the place to difficult child-proof things. my 12yo still requires me to use plug covers and we had gates up everywhere for the longest time. see how the changes help you cope and continue to weigh the pros and cons of continueing on this path. I have also seen my step-son as Evil many a time. I have been here long enough to have seen 'good' periods for him, gone through health issues and fighting the school board just to get him into school. so he is now beginning to show some trust in me as he witnessed me fighting for him and he is finally beginning to look to me for guidance sometimes. he has a long way to go though and his medications don't always work right. who knows, i could still bail someday..lol

 

[AnnieO]

Hi... I have been kind of in and out so I hadn't seen your post. I think I read all the responses, but there are a lot, so I might be repeating what some others have said.

I, too, am a stepparent of 2 damaged children (hence my board name). My 2 are older; I met my husband when Onyxx was 8 and Jett 5 (and, no, those aren't their names - I called them difficult child 1 and difficult child 2 for quite a while). However... There were some similar issues with their bio mom. And 5 years ago, physical custody changed, 3 years ago my husband got full legal custody. It was awful.

So now that you know that bit...

Your husband is playing ostrich. Let me see if I can explain. He does see that there are problems; but admitting it, even to himself, means that it is his fault. Now you know it isn't. Bio mom really messed up. BAD. But - here's the logic: Your husband chose to have a relationship/sex/children with this woman. She chose to abuse/neglect the boys, resulting in her losing custody and having problems. Ergo, he "chose" to put the kids in that position. Nah. Ain't true. But that's down deep, emotional. Surface logic - he knows it's not his fault, but there's that little fear... what if...

ODD is a catchall diagnosis. Truthfully, what child doesn't display a little bit of opposition and defiance? But the ODD diagnosis doesn't say what to do!!!

Let me give you an example... Onyxx keeps everything - she's getting better, but still. Borderline hoarder, even to the point of hiding garbage under her mattress. And this drove me nuts until finally I figured it out (with help from this Board) - there's 2 basic reasons. One: She's been emotionally abandoned a lot. husband never did, but bio mom told her he had; and since she never saw him, she only had bio mom's story to believe. Later, when she stuck to her story that bio's boyfriend had abused her, and would not recant, bio abandoned her, too. Having all this stuff means it's there for her, and it can't abandon her. Two: Bio mom would throw away Onyxx's things (clothes, toys, etc.) whenever she was angry or Onyxx did something bio did not like. Bio destroyed all of Onyxx's things that would not fit in her car when she left, then told Onyxx that Daddy had "stolen" them. (Daddy thought someone had burglarized the apartment and called the police before he found the note, so there were all kinds of pictures of the disaster... When Onyxx finally could ask him about her pink teddy bear, he told her the truth, he'd HAD to throw it away... Onyxx finally asked me, at age 11, about the stuff, and not knowing any better I showed her the pictures...)

So... For YOUR son, can't you make it so that he can close his bedroom door? The other two, I understand. And I bet if you check with the apartment complex, and ask for maintenance's help to temporarily remove the door, and explain the kids are terrified of being locked in even accidentally... I bet they'd be reasonable. If they are NOT reasonable, find a couple of colorful door stops, put each boy's name on one, so they can have control over the door being OPEN. Don't move them, even to vacuum, without the boys' agreement. Perhaps if they are not in the bedroom when you close the door, but YOU are, you quickly vacuum then have THEM put the doorstops back in place?

The older one, especially, is not yet comfortable in your home, and it could take quite a while (years). Given what happened, he is also afraid of being abandoned/neglected by you and your husband, because that is ALL he has known from bio. This will take time. In the meantime, he is pushing, by hitting and hurting - trying to see how much it takes to make you and husband abandon him, too. (Did your husband have visitation with them when they were living with bio?)

NOW. That said, children act out a lot of what they've been through. Onyxx screamed a lot at everyone. (So did bio... I've learned to mostly be calm...) Onyxx hits, because that is what she learned... Jett hides, inside himself, because he learned if he did that, he'd be left alone and not hurt. SO. A neuropsychologist evaluation is very much necessary as is therapy. Therapy for Gavin is necessary, too, because this WILL change his life. I know you have no legal rights over your stepsons... been there done that (am there doing that), but if your husband will not protect his own kids from themselves... And, no, it's not easy to get the ostrich to look up. (But when they finally do, watch out & don't mess with them!)

I know you love your husband. But... You must protect. Gavin. Yourself. Your husband, for that matter. Start with the most vulnerable. And if you have to leave - you have to. I didn't... But... It IS a family joke in my home that if I'd known what I was in for, I'd have RUN SCREAMING AS FAST AND AS FAR AS I COULD.

 

[Malika]

The trouble with this form of communication is that it is all too easy to misunderstand what we all say, or to put our own interpretation on it (more than we do anyway...) Personally I am not saying that Michele "has" to do any particular thing or that her feelings are wrong or bad. What I am saying, though, is that a four year old from what sounds like a very troubled background is not acting deliberately to hurt her or her son. "Evil" does not seem a very accurate or compassionate word to be using. Good heavens, if every child who behaved anti-socially or aggressively or provocatively were evil, this board would be full of the parents of evil children, no?

Each member of this family is deserving of understanding and help, it seems to me, not just some members of it. I can feel compassion for her situation, I can feel compassion for her troubled stepson. I do not know what Michele "should" do; she is in a very difficult situation. But usually we do say children need protection and understanding, don't we?

 

[BusynMember]

Every person deserves a chance and compassion. The father is the only one who can do it. Legally this stepmother has no rights to the boys. Also, everyone can get help and still live in separate settings. The fact that the two boys suffered severe and rather sad abandonment and abuse does not require Gavin to have to go through it with them. He is also a little boy whose world has been turned upside down by these two step-siblings.

Maybe a good solution is to live apart for a while and see if the boy's behavior and father's dedication to getting them serious help actually improves. I read about a schizophrenic girl (she was on Oprah too). Husband and wife have another child too. Since the schizophrenic girl can be dangerous to her sibling, the two of them have their own separate apartments and take turns parenting the schizophrenic girl. The siblings do not live together.

Step, I admire how you got in there with Jett and Onyxx! Trust me, I admire you a lot! However, you didn't bring any children into the home either. To me, that's the main issue...Gavin. Sounds like it is already affecting him in a bad way and, the fact is, nobody knows what the other boys have done to him or tried to do to him when nobody was looking.

To the original poster, I got your PM. Write anytime!

 

[AnnieO]

MWM, you're absolutely right. Although the really horrible stuff didn't start until husband and I were married - so if I had brought a child in...

Also... The living apart may not be feasible... But it might be worth a try. ...Do you have family nearby? They might be willing to help...

 

[michelenicole]

Hi. I didn't know if I'd be back to read responses because I thought I may have made the wrong impressions. But I decided to check back in, and definitely wanted to say thank you for the rest of the responses. Everyone has given me so many different things to try, so I'm not feeling so hopeless about things never improving. Plus, we made some changes at home that have seemed to help slightly, so I'm optimistic about those.

Gavin and T were sharing a bedroom. I finally convinced the husband to separate them shortly after T's return from the hospital. Gavin now shares a bedroom with the younger child, B (who has problems, but nothing with aggression and Gavin and B play great together). Gavin seems to be a much happier child because T isn't so "in his face" as he was previously, plus he's not having to deal with T waking him up or not letting him sleep. T now has his own space (with a gate on the door), and at first he was very upset to be put in a room alone, but I think he's actually enjoying having his own space now.

Also, we started a new/different reward system with the kids, and all three of them have had two good days in a row at school (yay!). T stood up on a table today, ready to have an outburst, and Gavin reminded him of the reward, and he thought about it and got down (yay!). Though I don't necessarily agree with bribery, I think it is teaching him to make better choices.

Gavin and T have also been approved to begin this Impact Plus therapy program (I don't know if any of you have heard of it). But the group works with the entire family with therapists and techniques to help at home. They are supposed to begin that on Monday, and we are very thankful that they have been approved for it.

Gavin's issues seem to have calmed down tremendously after moving T out of his bedroom. I should have done it sooner, but, then again, I didn't realize the severity of T's problems until the aggression really came out at daycare. I've also been watching the two of them and how they interact more closely, which gives T less of an opportunity to pick on him because I can stop it before it becomes something were Gavin has to react aggressively.

But, again, I want to thank everyone for their support and encouragement. I am now prepared to take one day at a time. And my husband has also been much better at recognizing T's problems, which makes me more optimistic for our future together. Gavin is still my main concern, so I'm watching things very, very closely, and also continuing to search for ways to make his life and adjustments easier.

Oh, and I think someone asked, but, yes, T and B both see their mother still, but the visits are sporadic (which makes it harder on them because they DO miss their mommy). When B comes back from visiting her he has night terrors She recently moved 45 minutes away, so she hasn't seen either of them in almost two weeks.

 

[Malika]

Michele, that is such good news, to know there is hope and that you are feeling like there is hope and that your husband is more "on board". Do continue to check in here as and when you need to and very best of luck.

 

[keista]

Also, we started a new/different reward system with the kids, and all three of them have had two good days in a row at school (yay!). T stood up on a table today, ready to have an outburst, and Gavin reminded him of the reward, and he thought about it and got down (yay!). Though I don't necessarily agree with bribery, I think it is teaching him to make better choices.

Most Excellent! Bribery is underrated as a parenting technique. Yeah, in a perfect world, it shouldn't be the standard, but we don't live in a perfect world, do we. With "our" kids, we use what works, and in my opinion this is pretty HUGE that T stopped in his tracks from having a tantrum.

 

[buddy]

Most Excellent! Bribery is underrated as a parenting technique. Yeah, in a perfect world, it shouldn't be the standard, but we don't live in a perfect world, do we. With "our" kids, we use what works, and in my opinion this is pretty HUGE that T stopped in his tracks from having a tantrum.

I agree, and really I always look at it like this....
Bribery is what is done to have people do illegal or bad things...

What you are doing is teaching them that appropriate actions bring rewards just like a paycheck. Yes, the goal is to make things intrinsically rewarding, just doing for doing sake, but especially when just learning skills it is often hard work. Especially for a child who probably is wired differently (a difficult child, sigh)....

I think it is wonderful that you just set it up for all of them. I remember when my sister "got" a behavior plan for quitting biting her nails and my other sister got one to stop sucking her thumb I was actually jealous! My mom had to make something up for me. (should have made me clean my room but probably didn't, lol)

Doing it that way doesn't single anyone out and they become more of a team, pretty cool.

 

[DaisyFace]

Most Excellent! Bribery is underrated as a parenting technique. Yeah, in a perfect world, it shouldn't be the standard, but we don't live in a perfect world, do we. With "our" kids, we use what works, and in my opinion this is pretty HUGE that T stopped in his tracks from having a tantrum.

Oh I absolutely agree! If the child is in control of himself enough to stop a tantrum - then there is TONS of hope for improvement.

Thanks for the update!