HI! Newbie here. I have a 9 yr old boy diagnosed with ADHD

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by brendan, Nov 10, 2010.

  1. brendan

    brendan Guest

    I really need some support from people who have been there.

    Brendan is extremely smart. Lacks social skills, patience, manners, respect, etc. He was finally diagnosed with ADHD last year and was put on Ritalin and Celexa for his social anxieties. (scared of crowds) He has not hit anyone since he's been put on these medications but right now he is suspended for bullying. He and his friends decided to make a list on "How to kill Eric" - a child who is overweight and very slow. Brendan says Eric gets on everyone's nerves.

    Anyway, he is showing ZERO remorse which is usual for him. It is like he is missing this empathy chip in his brain. He always tells people the truth point blank even if it hurts their feelings. Right now we are reading books on patience, respect, manners, tolerance...you name it.
    I don't know what is wrong with the kid. This is his second suspension. Last year before he was on ritalin he hit his teacher.
    He has a 10 yr old brother who his a perfect student, lots of friends, social, manners, respectful
    I border on being mad at Brendan or feeling sorry for him.

    Any mothers like me? Also, very intelligent and intolerant of kids that don't "get" things at school.

    Thank you!
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the board. Wow. Hi.

    I hate to say this, but I would be terrified of a child who planned "How to kill..." even if he didn't mean it. And it sounds like more is going on than ADHD...that has nothing to do with a lack of empathy. I am wondering about his father or any relatives on either side of this boys genetic family tree.

    I am wondering if your boy has Aspergers Syndrome. Bright, socially inept, book smart/life clueless kids are often on the autism spectrum. They can behave as if they have no empathy, although in most cases, it's not true. However, most Aspies have no friends their own ages...so it could be something else. Did a psychiatrist test him? Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist? I wouldn't just agree that he has ADHD.

    Others will come along. Glad you found us...but sorry you have to be here.
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I agree with MM. There is more going on than ADHD. Is this something he would think up? Is he a "follower" that will go along with whatever his friends do or say? His lack of remorse sounds a lot like my difficult child. He is a follower. His reasoning in situations like this is that if the other kids don't have a problem with it, then it's not a problem. If the other kids aren't expressing remorse, then he thinks it's no big deal. I would look into further testing to see what the other issues are. I wouldn't accept a simple ADHD diagnosis. You have come to the right place. You will get a lot of helpful advice from the "experts" here (people who have been there, done that). Welcome!
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Oh yeah, there's more going on than simple ADHD there. Mine during her (so far) worst time when she was reacting badly to medications (Celexa and then Risperdal) had a notebook of drawings on how she planned to kill herself. We're still trying to pin down more definite diagnosis's for her.
  5. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Sorry for all the questions, but your answers will help us help you.
    Any sensory issues (for example, sensitivity to clothing tags, loud noises, food textures)?
    Any speech or motor delays?
    How does he do academically? You say he has friends, but does he relate well to them?
    Have the medications made things better, worse or about the same?
    Any substance abuse or mental health issues in the family tree?

    I agree with the need to have your son evaluated by a neurospychologist. Neuropsychologists can be found at children's or university teaching hospitals.
  6. brendan

    brendan Guest

    Ok, this is a test to see if my signature comes up. It will take me some time to get used to the abbreviations and stuff!
  7. brendan

    brendan Guest

    Thanks for all of these replies! More on Brendan:

    Sensitivity Issues: Yes, a major issue with water touching his face and head. Very sensitive to crowds. Loud noises by themselves he can tolerate, but along with crowds - no. No issues with clothes, although his skin is very sensitive to anything!

    No speech/motor delays.

    Academically gifted. In kingergarden he was doing equations. He is bored at school and impatient with the other kids. Says things like, "Geez don't you know that? This stuff is easy!" He is in a Discovery group for smarter kids that meets once a week for one hour. Wow, huh? HE needs much more than this. Doesn't have many friends because he tends to brag about how smart he is or goes on and on about a certain thing...if things don't go his way tends to just leave the group and be on his own. I am thinking the making fun of this boy got him some attention from his peers, and he ran with it. The boy was never aware they were making fun of him, it was behind his back.

    medications: They were a lifesaver. Last year he was physical with everyone. He even punched his teacher. He would get angry and throw his lunch etc. He would throw things in the house, punch his brother etc. We finally got him on Ritalin and it calmed him down tremendously. He hasn't hit anyone since! He can calm down easier etc. He still seemed depressed and anxious so we went put him on celexa. His mood has improved but he is still very anxious about going places, talking to people, social situations etc.

    As far as our family tree - my side is messed up. My mom is Bipolar and went through a phase of hallucinations/paranoia which might be Schizophrenia? Refuses help. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and depression. On Seroquel to sleep, Paxil, Lamotrigine and Pristiq. I still walk around forcing myself to go through motions. Hubby has high anxiety but refuses help.

    I personally have taken a lot of Aspergers tests online and he meets 75% of the symptoms. The only thing I don't notice is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and physical clumsiness. The rest he has. I wish we could afford to put him in a school that will work with his eccentrities. I am so sad. Nobody likes him, everyone thinks it is my fault. He has no friends, no manners. He can't lie to people and tells them everything point blank and they look at me like "WTH?"

    Ugh. feel like crying again. From what I've read about Aspergers there is not much I can do except try and teach him the correct way to act and respond in social situations.

    Thanks. I would love a formal diagnosis of Aspergers so maybe
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG. Would look into Asperger's Syndrome. Some of the kids are brilliant, but socially clueless and they LOVE to ramble on and on about their interests. They have trouble with give-and-take conversations. I would see a neuropsychologist for him. He sounds classic. And, even if he's brilliant, he will need help in his life skills and social skills and overcoming his sensitivities. He can get help in his own school. He won't be happy when he's in junior high and still doesn't have any friends because he can't socialize at all. It's a real problem. I know first hand dealing with my son. He is seventeen now and doing much, much better, but still eccentric. He has friends, but doesn't seem to want to see them outside of school. And he also either says nothing or babbles about his obsessive interest (in his case this is videogames and movies).

    Good luck!
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If it's Asperger's there is a lot you can do. But you need to reinforce right and wrong, but he has to SEE the rules for himself. It's no good to say, "Don't break the rules" if he then sees those same rules broken all the time by others. The rules re what these kids work out that they are, and if he sees consistency in application of those rules, he will learn to obey rules scrupulously. So once he learns "Do not plan to kill anybody, it is wrong and this is why," he is unlikely to ever get caught up in that again. But if his peers ARE making such plans and he sees it as the thing to do in order to stay 'in' with his peers, he will do it. So yo might need to control his exposure to kids who don't always do the right thing.

    difficult child 1 had a good friend who we now realise has Asperger's. They used to spend a lot of time together playing computer games. But this boy had other 'friends' who anted to take advantage of the boy having wealthy parents (I suspect). The boy was given a choice - be our friend and be seen as one of the 'cool' kids, or be friends with difficult child 1. You can't be both. Now, difficult child 1 was a noted nerd. Friend had to choose, and then follow through on his choice. He was made to telephone difficult child 1 to set him up for a bullying session. I happened to be the one who answered the phone so i know how it went down. End result - difficult child 1 was invited round to play with all his games and game system, to be met with hoses and water pistols (not good for games and gaming system). difficult child 1 lost it big time, did some damage but boy's parents forgave him considering what their son had done. They didn't get it at the time, but we worked it out between us years later when the new friends had dragged their son deeper and deeper into delinquency and also into supporting their gang activities. Aspie friend is the one who is asked to hide the stash, conceal the weapon or carry the supplies and so he now has a record because he's been caught with stuff he shouldn't have. But the rule is, you don't tell. But we know, because other kids have told us; they saw it.

    Two kids, total contrast. difficult child 1 by this boy's act was actually cut off from the bad kids in town. Only direction - straight and narrow. He's an upstanding citizen. But he was also friends with these bad kids too at one stage. it so easily could have gone the other way with us. But I kept reinforcing what was right, what was wrong and why. We talked a lot. Often. Constantly. I listened, too. It helped. I would ask, "How do you think X felt when this happened?"
    Another good question is, "If that had happened to you, how would you have felt?"

    You have to work it constantly, to get it home.