Hi.

[OTE]

Have something to share. Nothing shocks me anymore but this did... Maybe most of you knew this?

My youngest is still on SSI. Doesn't pay much at all cause he makes about $800 / mo working. But I applied for ss retirement. Turns out he collects SSDI instead of SSI for the rest of his life. That's based on my ss earnings record. So it's multiples of ssi. Wow! Of course ss has to create all sorts of tortures for me to approve it. But wow.

So how does that affect everything else? Well still working through everything. Figured out it shouldn't affect job support at all. Might switch him from Medicaid to Medicare. Got the local parent group figuring out what it means to those in group homes. But mine is still with me so that's not an issue for us now.

 

[OTE]

Sorry folks... Its been great visiting you this morning. But I think I may need another long break from here until things change again. It seems that my children are no longer referred to here as gifts but as difficulties. To me they are still gifts from God. I prayed for them and He gave them to me. My children have brains that don"t function the way mine does. They may do things that are challenging for me to handle, respond to, accept..... But I'm not always a walk in the park either. I'm not aware that my children consider me "difficult." Certainly not all of their behaviors are "difficult". Difficult is such a judgemental word and in my family we don"t make judgements, much less of each other. So I can"t spend hours being forced to think of disabled children ( adults in my case) as "difficult". Its like squeaky chalk to me

Negative behaviors may be symptomatic of a disability. Why make a judgement of a symptom? Why is a person 'bad" because their illness shows itself?

 

[OTE]

Sorry folks... Its been great visiting you this morning. But I think I may need another long break from here until things change again. It seems that my children are no longer referred to here as gifts but as difficulties. To me they are still gifts from God. I prayed for them and He gave them to me. My children have brains that don"t function the way mine does. They may do things that are challenging for me to handle, respond to, accept..... But I'm not always a walk in the park either. I'm not aware that my children consider me "difficult." Certainly not all of their behaviors are "difficult". Difficult is such a judgemental word and in my family we don"t make judgements, much less of each other. So I can"t spend hours being forced to think of disabled children ( adults in my case) as "difficult". Its like squeaky chalk to me

Negative behaviors may be symptomatic of a disability. Why make a judgement of a symptom? Why is a person 'bad" because their illness shows itself?

For those who don't know, being non-judgemental is considered by psychology to lead to a happier life.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont think the change was meant to be judgmental. At least, I didnt take it that way. Difficult is a fact, not a criticism and does not mean bad or horrible. It just means they are more challenging, which I also dont think of as judgmental. I was always uncomfortable with the old definition. I thought more of my kids, more difficult in behavior when young, were lessons for me to learn and, yes, from God. But I thought of ALL of my kids as gifts. Singling any out as gifts felt....wrong to me.

Of course all this is...jmo. i am so sorry you will be leaving. You are so smart.

 

[OTE]

Interesting I see difficult as an adjective and I guess you see it as a noun.

I fully agree that all kids are gifts from God. So I agree that its not a perfect term. Since all of mine were and are challenging in different ways that was I never had to label any of mine as non gifts. As I recall Fran's other term was P....C..... None of are as perfect either. LOL It now would appear that our kids are either easy or difficult. Wish someone could come up with better options.

It's not just that though. Now we are rating each other? When it's products I might buy I think ratings are great. When its services I might pay for its helpful to know other people's experiences. But if we're meant to be a community of supportive people helping each other ..... Is it helpful to rate each other? I've seen some posts here today that I don't necessarily think helpful. But maybe it helped that person to post. Do I need to rate a post based on whether it helped me? Might help someone else, reader or poster.

So yes, I do find an atmosphere that is like squeaky chalk to me. Sorry, just me. I take your point that maybe I have something to offer and owe it to the board that supported me through the toughest time of my life. But having to deal with this horrible editing system that insists that I can't use terminology that I have used for about 18 years....

 

[ahhjeez]

I remember when the terminology was changed and IIRC it was due to something with Google??? I could be wrong. Most likely am as my memory lately is meh. LOL. I don't really find it all that judgmental either. When I post in reference to my son I just use an initial. You can use whatever you feel most comfortable with. Sorry you are leaving. I wish you the best.

 

[OTE]

I remember when the terminology was changed and IIRC it was due to something with Google??? I could be wrong. Most likely am as my memory lately is meh. LOL. I don't really find it all that judgmental either. When I post in reference to my son I just use an initial. You can use whatever you feel most comfortable with. Sorry you are leaving. I wish you the best.

Thanks. All the best to you too.

 

[RN0441]

Well when I was going through the hell with my son it was hard to think of him as a gift from God honestly.

I have a very strong faith but I just couldn't feel that way then.

Too much suffering.

 

[OTE]

Well when I was going through the hell with my son it was hard to think of him as a gift from God honestly.

I have a very strong faith but I just couldn't feel that way then.

Too much suffering.

I hear you. I have a different perspective based largely on how I came to be a parent and how important being a parent is to the core of my being. I've never been married. My kids are my life. And with 3 there was /is always one to make me smile. So that term always worked for me. The term difficult does not though that may describe behaviors from time to time.

 

[Lil]

Hi OTE. I know I haven't posted much on here and maybe not on your posts, but wanted to chime in. They still used difficult child when I started here. Not sure when it changed, but I felt the change was good. Gift From God always felt...sarcastic, maybe? Kind of disrespectful, like, "God never gives you more than you can handle, but I wish he didn't have so much faith in me." "Difficult" really isn't intended as an adjective, I don't think, and yet it works...we're not here because God has been showering us with ease, right? We're here to share our difficulties - the trials and tribulations. And of course, not everyone believes in God after all. I suppose Difficult Child is more inclusive.

What's in a name? Is it really enough to drive you off? I hope not! We're all here for support and it takes a village after all.

On the "ratings" thing - I didn't even know that existed until someone else kind of had a fit about it on another board. I think it's just part of the website. No one pays the slightest attention to it that I'm aware of.

 

[OTE]

Lil. I appreciate the thoughts.

With my strengths and weaknesses I find my life works best if I keep it simple. In every way. No expensive electronics. I'm now on a phone that gets on the internet so don't have wi fi. We watch dvds we own or borrow from library. No tv. No commercials. No news on violence or politics. Philosophy from an engineer boyfriend a lifetime ago....the simpler it is the less there is to break.

This applies to my way of thinking too. I don't lie so I don't need to keep lies straight. I don't talk about anyone including my kids behind their back. Calling them difficult, something I would never say to their face, is just not something I do. But its also easier for me because mine are adults now. They're not easy now. Nor am I. But its not what it was then. And we can and do back away from each other if necessary. Can't do that with minors!

At one time a family member of mine was lurking here. I felt I had to censor what I said. No more. If my kids want to lurk there won't be anything but the truth here from me. And the truth is I don't call them difficult.

Leaders set the tone that everyone falls in line with. On a website that tone is set by the graphics, wording, policies, etc. Policy here, as set by editing software does not allow me to call my children gifts if I so desire. It changes my wording to difficult. Call it free speech, I don't want someone dictating to me what wording i can use.

The same applies to ratings. I don't want to be judged and don't want to judge others. Someone is going to be offended some day in some way. Totally unnecessary. Maybe you personally don't look at them. I certainly wouldn't. But the fact that they are there and others use them is troublesome to me.

Residential settings, rehabs, whatever have a "therapeutic milieu". That is, "a soft place to land". That was Fran's term and she made it happen by reading the boards every day, every post and reply. As I said, that's no longer what this is. I see lots of things in threads that just shouldn't be there resulting in contentious replies and hurt feelings. And its leadership in things like judging each other that destroy a therapeutic setting.

This used to be a very active board. Its not anymore, relatively. Sad for me to see. I wasn't here to see how, when or why it changed. I know something happened from contact I've had over the years. Sad.

Sorry.. Not a soft place for me to land anymore. I wish you all the best. I've given it a try but can't do it

 

[Tired out]

This is an interesting conversation. How someone describes the people they are dealing with should be completely individual. I call my youngest son exasperating. Gift from God? My faith has been tested and is still being tested. My oldest son has cerebral palsy.He is a fabulous human being, works , doesn't complain, even when he is in pain, battling his body. Oldest son is a lot of physical work for us--completely physically dependent. He has a fabulous attitude about life. We also have a daughter, she is as easy as a sunny day in May.
Perhaps there is a clue in your feeling in that you aren't/haven't been married and your children have not tried to pit you against your mate. my exasperating child has, several times. When we were married in church the minister said, "who God has joined together let no one put asunder". Our youngest son has told me to divorce his dad, that he will only make me miserable the rest of my life. Hello? His dad has never made me miserable, Youngest son however..very! He cheats.lies, steals..not very holy. Through all of this we have not cast him out. He left of his own accord. We are helped him get an apartment.
How would he feels if he read this? Every word is true. If he doesn't like what he reads he needs to look in the mirror and change what he sees. We still love him. I will still help him. He will NOT destroy our marriage.
I have never told his dad that he said to divorce him. I do not want to cause any more hurt than he has already caused. I have tried to figure out if he has a mental illness. The truth is I really don't think he has anything more than ADD, possibly ODD..BUT he is very intelligent. He CAN overcome this if he chooses to do so. Mainly he he is a product of the "ME 1st generation" .
Am I a walk in the park to live with? NO.. I expect people to pay their bill, be respectful, and follow through on what they say they will do,tell the truth and not steal... wow hard list to fulfill.

 

[Tanya M]

In regards to how we "classify" our children, that is up to each individual. If the term "difficult" does not work for one that is okay just as the term "gift from God" does not work for everyone.
I personally call my son difficult because he is and has been for many years. This does not mean that I love him any less and I do feel he also a gift-from-God.

This site is not for everyone and that's fine. We all have the power at our fingertips whether we will read or post here or to not participate at all.

The main thing to bear in mind is that we need to be respectful of each other. We each have our own journey's and we should not pass judgement on others and how they deal with or how they refer to their adult children.

As for policies of this site, you will never be able to please everyone. Quite frankly, that's just how life is. If you want to call your child a gift-from-God then you can.
Parents who find their way here are doing so because their are difficulties in their life with their adult child/children.

I for one am grateful for this site as it does offer a soft place to land.

 

[Lil]

Policy here, as set by editing software does not allow me to call my children gifts if I so desire. It changes my wording to difficult. Call it free speech, I don't want someone dictating to me what wording i can use.

If you want to call your child a gift-from-God then you can.

The software change brought some challenges. It bothers me that if I talk about my blood pressure medications it changed them to Bipolar. So I can't type B.P. There is a mom on here who's son is named...well I guess it's short for Tyler, but she can't put it down because when she refers to him by name the site changes it to Thank You. Makes her posts terribly confusing sometimes, but you get used to it.

The site doesn't censor you from typing Gift from God. It just doesn't allow you to abbreviate it. So, you type 10 more letters. But I suppose if that bothers you that bad, then you won't be here. That is a pity because this place hasn't changed. The parents are still parents in need of support that they find here.

I can't say anything more about the "ratings". I didn't even know they existed until the other person pitched a fit about them. I truly don't think many people know about them and I 100% believe no one cares. But again, if the change in the software - that doesn't change the important things about this place at all - are something you can't live with then...

How would he feels if he read this? Every word is true.

He'll be mightily ticked off. I know, because my son borrowed my laptop and I hadn't closed this window once. It was ugly. I typed a long note to HIM, knowing he was spying after that. I even changed my name and avatar and password for a hot minute. But then I decided - "So he knows...so what? Maybe if he reads how badly he's hurt me it'll get through." I don't know how long he snooped. I do know he eventually stopped. I'm sure it's happened to others.

 

[BusynMember]

The ratings have been around forever. But nobody has to participate and I never paid much attention. I guess I agree with Tanya. You cant please everyone. So you make choices you can best live with.

I think it used to be busier here because that was before facebook and other social media had other places to put forums. Thats how I see it. In my opinion, its less cliquey now than it was when I first came on. I felt like an outsider then.

 

[AppleCori]

Interesting how different people interpret these things.

I believe some people had a problem with the word ‘God’ in the old moniker.

Others had a problem with ‘gift’.

(I don’t think anyone ever complained about the word ‘of’)

I, personally, found it easier to disassociate the initials with their meaning, because the old system didn’t automatically write the words out, but left the initials. Of course, many newbies had to ask what it stood for, so, that was a problem.

Hubby and I still use those initials when talking about this subject. We use it as if it is a word unto itself, not initials.

Some now have a problem with the word ‘difficult’.

I, personally, don’t care for the word ‘child’ when talking about our adult offspring. They are still our kids, but they are also adults, not minors.



However, it doesn’t matter to me that much, one way or the other.



As for the ratings, do you mean the ‘like’ ‘agree’ ‘winner’ ‘friendly’ etc?

 

[Lil]

The ratings have been around forever.

Oh wait...the ratings are the little "agree", "like", "funny", "winner", etc. buttons? Yeah...those have always been here, haven't they? I didn't even notice until I clicked "like" on yours that it then says "Undo Rating".

Why does anyone care about that? It's not a "rating" so much as a "reaction". Like a "like" on Facebook. They're all positive ratings. There's no "sad" or "dislike" or "angry face" button. That seems like a really small thing to get in a knot about.

Really, if there is someone who cares about that, I'd like to know why...it won't bother me if no one ever "rates" my posts again.

 

[RN0441]

Well she is lucky she can get by without what I need from this site and that is why I come here so often.

I love the people, I love the support, I love the wisdom, I love the compassion, I love the honesty. I love when people like my posts or agree with me. I like that it makes me not feel alone in my thinking or that I'm somehow off track.

My new coworker said it perfectly when I told her about this site - that in a way this is MY giving back. That I have been on a journey that enables me maybe to lend a lifeline or helping hand to someone that is just starting out. Or just an ear (eyes) to "listen" to their story. Maybe help them see things from a different angle, a different perspective. We can't change it but we can comfort one another.

 

[KTMom91]

I've been around for twenty-something years, and have seen many changes on the board. When I first came, needing help with my eight-year-old Gift from God, there were many other parents searching for help for their children that wasn't, at that time, readily available. Hubby and I were driving three hours one way to attend seminars and therapy related things. Now, locally, there are several options for people with difficult children.

The difficulties have changed from primarily children with mental health issues to concerns about addicted children/adults. That's all right. Though my Gift from God is 27, and is considerably less difficult, drugs were not/are not our issue. No matter. The board adapts to what most people need, and still, after all these years, offers support for hurting parents. It's still a soft place to land, whether you're needing a soft place or just want to offer good thoughts and support to those parents who are going through hell. I still check in several times a week, and read along, though I can't provide first-hand experiences or solutions to the difficulties these parents are going through.

As for the ratings system - this isn't American Idol, folks. We're here to help carry each other through the tough times. Some of us will stick around, check in, and help the newbies. Some will leave. We do what we need to do to get by.

 

[ahhjeez]

I take a lot of comfort from this site. I may not post often, but I've been reading for years. I've learned a lot as well. It's a shame OP is having such difficulty with wording and such. As others have said, you can't please everyone and I guess it is what it is. I personally don't really have an issue with the little ratings things there. I see them more as encouraging. There aren't any angry emojis so I don't see how anyone's feelings would get hurt. 9 times out of 10 I don't even notice them.