his ex is off the charts

[Jena]

hi to my friends who i miss and boy do i miss you guys. about two times a day i think sheesh if only i could vent to them right now get some feedback.

ugh.

anyway, yea yea i'm still struggling with work my long hours the kids, etc.

well it seems that boyfriend's ex is off the charts. shes' yelling at the kids alot, she's refusing to bring them to therapy, his older one was texting me tongiht because she was upset.

apparentley she has a boyfriend herself, she's been depressed i hate to see her latch onto a boy yet at the same time it is what it is she'll be 14 this coming september, it's time.

so boyfriend was allowed at her home, she went to kiss him good bye on the cheek and her mom (ex) saw this and began cursing her out infront of this boy. wow.

one thing lead to another they calmed, A his daughter went over to try to talk to her mom (ex) whereas ex than bit her daughter's hand because her daughter put her hand out to say ok come sit and talk to me. p.s. daughter said i think she thought i was going for her phone at the time.

this isn't the first time it's gotten physical. i want to call cps on her so badly. i'm not kidding. shes' explosive and volatile majority of the time i see the kids be the same way here because it's what their seeing yet after a few hours they calm down and become somewhat normal lol, whatever normal is these days.

it's a whole lotta drama i do not want to be quite honest. yet it sickens me that this woman does this to the kids. i have yet to talk to boyfriend i spent majority of night calming his daughter down after i put mine to bed.

it's kinda at the poinkt where i think i'm giong to lose a serious amt of respect for boyfriend if he lets thsi one go as well i really am.

 

[Andy]

Encourage her to go to the school nurse tomorrow. If she shows the nurse the bite wound (asking how to care for it) the nurse will make that call to CPS and it will be from the school instead of you.

Biting is such a more intense level of violence than slapping.

Make your decision soon to call CPS while the wound is still evidence. She may suspect you as calling but she will never know for sure as her daughter has friends in school and teachers how might notice, ect. She should have lots of possibilities to accuse but she better stop looking for blame and start searching for help to control her anger.

 

[klmno]

Yeah, ex is definitely handling things poorly, in my humble opinion. No way is biting your kid acceptable and she sounds like a time bomb. I like the idea of her going to the school nurse and you staying out of the report to CPS if possible. Also, you are right to let boyfriend know all this ASAP.

I will say though, just my opinion here, I think she is too young to have a "real" boyfriend. If they are really just friends who call themselves boyfriend/girlfriend at school, yeah, that goes on.

 

[Andy]

Another thought - Take a picture of the hand and document everything you know - just in case you need it in the future.

 

[Hound dog]

If you can get a picture of the hand, get it, date it. I also like the idea of the school nurse. A human bite can become infected and nasty quite easily.

This needs to be reported. Hitting is bad enough, but a bite is a new disturbing level. I don't think you're dealing with a mentally stable person. I can understand you not wanting to get caught in the middle, but boyfriend needs to do something.

You could make a anonymous report as well. How sad, and more than a little scary for the kids.

As per the boyfriend.......14 is a bit young without supervision......but Mom's reaction was way over the top.

Hugs

 

[susiestar]

Get a photo of the hand (NOT a digital one) and a newspaper with the date showing. It needs to be done TOMORROW because this woman is unstable enough to then try to blame YOU because she doesn't like you (you already know that!).

then you need to make sure the child sees the school nurse AND tells her that her mom bit her. If the nurse does not report it then you MUST. You can do it anonymously, but it MUST be reported.

If it isn't reported you and boyfriend could be accused of allowing the girl to be abused. And with your job this could be a SERIOUS problem, as well as it being serious for the child.

If it wasn't this unstable woman who bit her, what would you do? If it was a stranger you would call the police. If it was a friend you would call the police (if it was an adult). It cannot be allowed because it is the mother. Period.

I am so sorry. She hasn't sounded stable for a long time, and it seems she is about to blow. I hope boyfriend will finally stand up now that she is abusing his kids.

Sending hugs to all of you.

Susie

 

[Shari]

PS - I need to verify this....but I've been told to take FILM pics of anything like this...digital can be altered without being detected, so old fashioned film was suggested for any "evidence" pictures. Check it out before you take it on dig.

 

[AnnieO]

You can also use a cell phone to take the picture if you have an email address for someone at CPS - what you do is take and SEND IMMEDIATELY to the email as a photo message. Your phone will date and time the picture and the email system will do the same thing which negates the whole "doctoring" issue. SOMEONE NEEDS TO CALL CPS IMMEDIATELY. They allow anonymous calls and this woman is seriously dangerous to her own children. We've had this happen and after the mark fades there is nothing they can do. It would be even better if the poor child could call them or the school did. CPS has accused us of trying to create conflict by calling them, but when the school called it was a whole different ball of wax.

 

[Star*]

WHacka doooooo...........

Hugs for your kids.

 

[Steely]

So Jena..........how did it go.
This is horrible for the girl - you are right - something HAS to be done.

 

[Jena]

hey guys,

so, sadly enough it's not my place it's boyfriend's place it's his kid and his ex. stuff like this has happened before whereas things get very explosive over there. granted boyfriend's daughter is a handful without a doubt, yet she is only exhibiting the behavior she has seen in my opinion her entire life. yet this particular night it wasn't her being physically aggressive or even verbally it was her mother.

regardless could of been boyfriend situation or any situation, point is and whoever stated it she is a time bomb.

so, now the latest is boyfriend goes and calls his ex and talks to her on the phone for a long time, surprise surprise. I told him today you are trying to "fix" her again, this isn't the first time this has happened whereas your ex has went totally off the charts with the kids and it wont' be the last. are you going to do something about it or take the easy way out and continue the same pattern of jump in calm situation ( temporary bandaid) and than wait till the next explosion?

his daughter has been asking me since last night if she can move in. this isn't the first time it's happened where she has asked yet first time she's asked me and he's actually contemplating it, we'll see. I said to him if you were to do this I'd basically be raising your kids due to you always working, he's never home just monday wedesnday all day and tuesday night.

he said if he did it he'd have to take all 3 kids! so i said well if it comes to that and you are chosing to actually do something this time i'm guessing this is a conversation yoru giong to have to have with me bigtime.

we'll see how it pans out, i'm betting he does nothing another talk to his ex, another sweep under the carpet routine, until the next meltdown occurs.

also if this was a one time thing i dont' think i'd be reacting this way, yet it's not the first time either.

 

[Jena]

wow, i'm not sure how to feel right now other than stressed to be honest. i just spoke to him regarding what's going on and what is happening. since obviously he has tons of communication with-the ex and i'm out of the loop other than his daughter texting me all night asking if she can move in and also texting my daughter who is flipping out over hte idea of his kid here 24/7.

so, wait he tells me i spoke to her she denies doing that to her and we talked about therapy for A (his kid), i said what? so, you believe your ex who lies has cheated on you and was deceptive enough to do so over your own kid. not only that there is a history of this woman doing ridiculous things with-these kids being verbally abusive and all sorts of stuff. well, i dont' know what happened he tells me.

i said wow. your all nuts totally. i'll be honest if i made enough at this point i mite just pull out. i think it's time to look at my financial situation better and figure out how i could swing this on my own and if its' doable.

i can't respect a person with whom will take no action, go to work and take the easy way out i truly cant. i dont' want my view of him to change but for some reason this is really feeling like its' changing now inside of me. the compassion i felt for him, his past what he survived his work ethic, fact he loves his kids is totally changing right now.

am i insane? wouldn't anyone else feel this way? i mean i think of it in regards to my kids. if i knew my ex was acting in an abusive way fora sustained amt of time with-my kids i'd flip out be in court, etc. yet he calls her and talks about therapy for the kid?? has it just been too long of a day for me. wow i'm a bit upset right now

 

[Stella Johnson]

Wow.... just wow.

I think he is doing the typical man thing. Take the easy way out, work all the time, and just talk the ex down off the cliff a few times. He doesn't see what it's doing to his children because he doesn't want to. IF he did he would be forced to actually take responsibility and it doesn't sound like he wants to. I really feel for the kids.

Did his daughter ever go to her school nurse and show her the bites? When I read that I thought I was seeing things. A grown woman bit her own daughter? Biting anyone is just so odd.

But if he does take action you will bare the brunt of it because he will continue to work long hours and they will be yours to deal with. To be honest I probably couldn't do it.

I know this is completely selfish because I have a difficult child, but I won't date a man that has kids. My ex, difficult child's dad, had two boys. It was the worst experience ever. After that i swore I would never put myself through that again.

Let us know what you decide. We will support you any which way you go.

Steph

 

[Hound dog]

Sounds like boyfriend is stuck in the enabler mode. Sad for the kids and bad for you.

I'd make the report myself and to heck with boyfriend. I know you don't want to get in the middle........but how would you feel if ex really went off the deep end and seriously injured/killed one of the kids? I don't feel I'm overreacting when I ask that question. This woman is unstable and capable of anything.

I wouldn't be able to look at a man who could look the other way while someone is hurting his kids. Even my husband with all his faults (and he has many) has never been able to do that.

Also, if you're in a job that requires mandatory reporting and you're ignoring this abuse by not reporting it yourself.....you can lose your job over it. It's just not worth it. And this child is reaching out to you for help.

((hugs)) I'm sorry if I sound harsh. But I've been that child.

 

[susiestar]

jen, it is NOT up to you to determine if the child was lying about being bitten, or if the ex was lying. When issues of child abuse come up it is the job of CPS to determine what really happened.

Given your job, it IS your job to report any and all suspected abuse. You can do it confidentially. Even from an office phone that cannot be traced. but you CANNOT ignore this.

If you ignore this, aren't you doing what he is doing, with-o the efforts to calm things even? I don't want to be mean. But clearly this child is not coming to YOU for help - that is what all the texts are about. She is PLEADING and BEGGING for help. You truly MUST report this to CPS. And text HER to go to the nurse at school to make sure it is properly cleaned if you are not seeing her this weekend. Human bites are dirtier than the insides of public toilets.

Regardless of what boyfriend wants, this must be reported. Esp if you want to keep any financial stability of your own.

 

[Jena]

i'm sorry i've upset all of you with this lol. i know this is a rough one right? wow. look i haven't always been the perfect parent and there are times i've made wrong moves, yet this is continuous with the verbal abuse and cursing and mom and kid getting physical to the point where their hands are on eachother. it's so unhealthy.

i'm mandated at work to do that, if i see abuse or sense it and i have already. when i'm home i'm just me. Yet i'm kinda mandated as a person if you know what i mean.... if i call cps they will know it's me she will be mandated to attend anger management courses and also take a parenting class which i think she def needs.

yet thing is if i report it id better be ready to pack it up tmrw. and leave. ive talked to him about it he does not think it warrants a cps call, yea ok that's because he's still not over her entirely and his emotions are all over the place.

I think i'm going Occupational Therapist (OT) call his sister put this in her lap also. the only ones that know about it are me, her mother, him and kid. it's one thing when i see it at work i cringe, do everything i can, yet when its within your own circle my sleep is being affected.

regardless of how hard this kid is to manage verbal abuse to the extent she has been dishing it out and now biting her own kid is not acceptable. i told boyfriend if he doens't step up and do something i will i can't sweep this one under carpet. if that puts us at odds so be it. he needs to man up in a huge way

 

[Steely]

So, in my opinion, the same law that makes you a mandatory reporter at work, applies to all of us who have values, morals and integrity. I consider myself a mandatory reporter in any situation. I simply cannot ignore abuse, it is not within my core. And I think you are the same way.

In addition, as you know, all those calls are kept anonymous. There is no way anyone would know it was you. It could have been a teacher that saw it on her hand and asked her what happened. You are protected by law that your identity will not be revealed.

The most important thing here though - is that you react now, asap - before any evidence of the bite is gone. Did you take pics?

Fight the good fight Jena...........and keep the world for all of our children as safe as you know to do. Take every distracting or irrelevant piece information out of the equation ~ it really only comes down to a child getting hurt by a parent ~ and you are the only one who can/could or will do something about it.

 

[Jena]

thanks. i will. we talked for hours, yelled, talked again last night and finished up talking today.

he's going to ask his ex if we can have the kids. am i scared? umm yes I am. i'm a little bit of everything right now i think. confused, scared, excited nervous. all over map.

i told it to him straight last night, i normally am not a yeller but wow did i yell. i said maybe if i yell you will hear my words better. i said often ppl who are abused cannot see the light of day, i said to him you were abused verbally for 18 years, that is why she still has her hooks in you due to that level of control and manipulation she put forth.

i said you need to wake the heck up and see this for what ti si and what she is not what you want her to be.

so we talked and talked alot. he thinks he can convince her Occupational Therapist (OT) give him the kids. id' have to go half time at work, scale back my hours. we would have to buy a house and give up the house rental. there's alot to it so so much my head is spinning.

he doesn't want to go to court i do not blame him, he doesn't have the money and his odds of win are slim to none. i have a very good friend who fought for custody for 4 yeras and lost and now has nothing to show for it yet an empty bank acct. new york state is rough on dad's getting custody.

there is one thing i am grateful for he is opening his eyes and removing blinders it seems which is all i ever wanted. going thru life with rose colored glasses can be fun, yet also stupid.

this is alot for me to take on especially with easy child and difficult child who have their own issues. this would be a huge undertaking for me. huge. it would have to be coordinated perfectly my girls cannot feel a loss of me at all. his kids are needy. that's why weekends would have to be split so id have my time with-my kids alone while their with their mother.

i told him what i'm willing to deal with and not pertaining to his ex being involved. i will not handle her daily input. if i'm diong it than it's my show, my rules, etc. bottom line.

ok, feedback?

like i said he's giong to ask we arent' sure what she'll say

 

[Jena]

another thing i'm nervous about is him and i havne't been exactly the happy go lucky couple. granted alot of my issus stem from his contact with-ex, my need to be number one says our therapist etc.

i'm hoping that we could handle this. it's mostly going to be on me due to his work hours. yet he will be home mon, tues and wed. i told him one sat a mos has gotta be mandatory though. kids do not see him enough. work can't always come first.

 

[Andy]

And what wife, girl friend, significant other shouldn't be number one in their guy's eye? Isn't that one of the major definitions of a relationship on this level? You only have eyes for each other and that person is your number one.

I am sorry, but that made me giggle. Sometimes I wonder if therapist really do think about what they are saying? Maybe that is why they are suppose to be quiet and let the patient talk it out?