His Journey/My hurricane

[RN0441]

I have had little communication with my son for the past month after his dad dropped off his car (okayed by sober living so he could drive to work and start classes in January) and he decided to leave sober living and take a bunch of benzos that he got from a doctor, which resulted in him blacking out and totaling his car. Thankfully (and we now are sure he must have a guardian angel), he was not hurt, no one else was hurt and no property was damaged. He went back to rehab and is now again in sober living. Short version.

He did talk to his dad a few times professing that he was so very sorry and was going to take it all seriously this time. Son and therapist called me about ten days ago and therapist impressed with him "breaking his door down" to meet with him. Admitted he was going through the motions last time. Son has new sponsor, is sick of it all too, glad he's there, blah blah. Told him we were devastated and he said that is why he has been leaving us/me alone.

Me = neutral.

I felt no news was good news. Last night he did a FaceTime with us. He is still not getting it. WTF is it going to take is what I want to know. He says he misses his bedroom and his dogs. He is 22! No you cannot come home!! He wants to be with us. His dad said you cannot hang out with us. You are too old. Okay then.

So my little bit of hope that I would not admit to was shot done once again. Then he talked of his girlfriend coming from college 4.5 hours to visit him and maybe he would move there and live off campus with her and go to college. He said not now but maybe later down the road. We thought she was done with him. She is religious and does not party but in a way she is a crutch for him. I told him SHE cannot keep him sober. WE cannot keep him sober. Can he make it more than 3 months without an "episode"??

Husband got angry with him even asking such a thing. He was sent to Florida 1.5 years ago to get sober and get a 2 year degree. Has done neither. Husband reiterated all that has happened. I have to admit I was wincing a few times.

I am going back to neutral and wait and see what he does. He wants to be with us but his actions push us away. I did tell him everything I have wanted to say to him last night and he heard it sober. Not sure if it will matter. It never does. It's all so sad.

 

[BusynMember]

RN, it may have been a while for me, but one never forgets it. From my experience, no expectations is best for us and does not hurt them. Our expectations, or lack of, neither helps nor harms them. It is all on them, no matter our state of mind or belief in them.

You are smart not to let him come back. My daughter never did. 22 is old to be moving back with the folks. It is usually for financial convenience.

Your son gets it. He just doesnt want to do it right now. He kows whay he needs to do in order to stay sober. One day hopefully he will take wise advice.


Still holding your hand.

 

[RN0441]

Yes you are right. He does get it but isn't ready or willing to change. He knows what he needs to do. He has been shown time and time again.

I hate to accept that. I know (from all that I've read here) that I will SEE it and FEEL it when he is. I had hopes that he was perhaps now ready.

My husband told our son he can never live with us and that he has to be sober for a long time before he can even VISIT. I will not be comfortable with that until I see/feel his change.

I know that this could kill him before he makes that change, if ever, and that is the part that I hate the most.

I am going to try REAL hard not to have any expectations.

 

[StillStanding]

My son has never actually made it to inpatient despite being on the waiting list more times than I can count. But, I have heard that each stay gives them something even if it isn't sobriety yet. I hope he's building up on his tools.

Sending hope!

 

[recoveringenabler]

RN, I know how hard it is. I just want you to know I'm reading along......and sending you my warmest wishes for peace of mind for you and your husband....and comfort......

When I was in the midst of the chaos and drama of my daughter's life, my husband and I used to take road trips every week.....just for a day.....we'd drive to the ocean, or the woods, or to the city......somewhere which was a bit of a lengthy drive. What we discovered is that as we drove and talked, in the beginning it would be about my daughter....but after awhile, the scenery, the beauty, the mere shift of energy would capture us and before we knew it, we would be engaged in a very different kind of day. After awhile we looked forward to leaving town. They were respites, away from the usual. And, those road trips saved my sanity. It took us out of the hamster wheel for a little bit and reminded us that there is life out there, there is beauty out there, there is aliveness and vitality, nature, laughter, play, music, good food, connection......life. We would end up having a really good time....those road trips were precious. Now years later, we still do them......we just take off spontaneously.....hit the open road....

.....go out with your guy and take some time for yourselves, away from all of it....it'll all still be there when you return, but for a little while you and your husband can remember.... joy.

 

[Kathy813]

RN, is the sober house evacuating? My daughter and I were just talking about this on the phone. What will they do with all of the people in residential treatment centers in south Florida?

I hope your son is in a safe place.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Thanks to everyone for their support and comments.

Kathy yes I did contact the program director last night. They are not evacuating because they are in Margate in brand new building with storm windows etc. but they do have food and water for a week and a senior person will be with them in sober living. They told me they will keep him safe as they always have.

I am not worried about him in the hurricane at all. I am however, very worried about his addiction and lack of being able to control it unless he is in a controlled environment. Hurricane. Ha. That's nothing.....

 

[Sam3]

I am not worried about him in the hurricane at all. I am however, very worried about his addiction and lack of being able to control it unless he is in a controlled environment. Hurricane. Ha. That's nothing.....

Ive been thinking a lot about the hurricane parallels. Before Harvey was even a tinkle, I was on the boards looking for some principles to anchor me and I think it was Scent of Cedar who was stressing the importance of being like the eye of the storm -- a calm steady core that they can feel when they bring their madness to us, because they know they are out of control.

I realized I was not being that.
I was trying to dissipate his Category 5 winds with my own gale force winds in the other direction. As if reason and right were more reasonable and more right if they are repeated and reframed and shouted in disbelief.

It just upped the total madness quotient to no effect except making me feel dizzy and battered. Which felt like my own self destruction. At the end of the day, I have to be standing for my family and to help him if he wants real help. And I deserve to be upright.

It may also have been cedar who posted a prayer like:

"Please Lord, let me be the parent my child needs me to be."

And that is such a paradigm shift from "please Lord let my child be ..."

I am trying hard to be that parent. The "eye." Its very hard but I think that's what mine needs.

 

[Littleboylost]

Neve better said!

 

[ColleenB]

RN I am praying your son is safe. What a scary time for those in Florida, and in the path of these storms.

Like the above poster, my husband and I have taken many day trips the last few years to help us "escape" the hell our home had become for us. Those day trips I do believe saved my sanity many days. Son no longer lives with us, but spending time away from home and just concentrating on the scenery and beauty around us is so healing still. We still do this many weekends.

I am thinking of you and hope for some peace for your heart.

Our son is not out of the woods yet, but I am understanding nothing I do or say will change his journey if he isn't the one driving the change. I am stepping back... and it feels good.