His plan

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Apr 9, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oy..... difficult child called us tonight. *We talked to the folks at the sober house this afternoon, they were going to talk to him tonight and then call us. *They said if he was willing to follow the rules and was sincere he could stay, if not then he would have to leave.

    So he called tonight. Change of plans. *His plan is to come back here and live with his girlfriend and her mother. *He has a ticket for the 16th but they have told him he needs to leave on Monday. *I told him I didn't think his plan was wise because of probation and if he doesn't follow he can end up in jail. He said he knew that and it wouldn't happen. He said it is going to be different, can't really tell me why. He said they have been talking about this for awhile. He hadn't told us because he didn't want to tell us until it was all in place.

    I said I knew he could be successful and it was his choice, that it was not our decision, it was his.

    Apparently girlfriend mom bought him the ticket and wants him to come up here. *She is crazy but I am going to stay out of it. *And maybe a plan that does not involve us has a better chance of succeeding. Who knows, I certainly don't. *I will check in with the sober house folks tomorrow.

    We did not offer him anything. I think he was kind of hoping we would change the ticket but we did not offer to do anything..... it is up to him.

    It is nuts. I have a feeling this woman and her daughter think they can save and help him. *I hope they are right. *I guess I am glad he is not going to be on the street. *Maybe they can motivate him to get a job. *The job market is better here than in FL.

    If you were a single mom of a 19 year old daughter, would you invite her boyfriend, who has been in jail and has been in rehab, to leave a sober house and come live with you??? What is wrong with this woman? Why on earth is she encouraging this to happen? It is totally nuts.

    I am glad he is not begging us for anything and trying to figure this out without our help.... but I can't really feel hopeful because I really don't think this is going to work... and when it doesn't who is going to be expected to help him out? Us of course. Ugh. What a waste. Hopefully he got enough out of rehab and being sober for a period of time that he can use all those lessons to either surprise us and stay sober and get his act together, or to pick him self back up when things don't work out.

    I guess I will be coming here more often for support as I think I am going to need it.

    Sent from my iPad
    Lasted edited by : Apr 10, 2011
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yup, you're right. It's totally nuts. So evidently girlfriend's mom has a few issues of her own........or has somehow managed to stay very naive concerning difficult child types. They will also have to learn they can't save him. No one can.

    But if this is the "plan" hopefully encouragement outside the family will be enough to motivate him to keep trying to move forward.

    I am sooooooo proud of you!!!! You did an awesome job!! And I know that was hard as hades to do.

  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How far away from you does this girlfriend live? Yes they are nuts, but as I've told you before so was my neighbor who took difficult child in. They get sucked in by our difficult children' charm. I'm glad he came up with the plan himself, he has a bigger stake in it this way.

  4. AHF

    AHF Member

    I could pull all my hair out thinking about people out there who try to "help" Peter Pan with moves that just enable manipulative and self-damaging behavior. And then of course these folks are held up as being kinder, more understanding, more loving etc. than you. My only hope is that when the others get sick of the behavior (and perhaps the girlfriend's mom will be one of those), the difficult child will eventually come to realize that those who truly love him and are loyal to him are also the ones drawing a certain line in the sand. But that can be a vain hope. There are people who go through life bouncing from one enabler to another. Hang in there.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Nancy she lives about 25 minutes from us I think. Definitely need a car to get here.

    I just talked to the sober house person. Very interesting talking to someone who used to be an addict. His point was an addict will always manipulate and always try to come up with an alternative plan to avoid having to really face themselves. His suggestion is that I do call this mom and if we can put a stop to the alternative plan then Gabe will have to face himself there. Well maybe it was stupid of me to do this but I texted his girlfriend and asked her what was going on and that I was concerned. The next thing my difficult child called me swearing at me.... hung up on me. So I tried calling her and she did not answer and he called me again. So I had an argument with him and am now just going to leave it be...... I tried. I have no faith that this will work out. I told him he was on his own. I need to detach big time but darn it is so hard. I am now just a puddle of tears. I know he doesn't want me talking to her because he is not telling her the real truth. I bet anything she does not know he has relapsed. Easy to manipulate people when they live in a vacuum. His claim is that he has been working on this plan for a month with his therapists... well I know they do not think this is a good plan. Anyway I suspect we will not hear from him for a good long while and I am going to need to get used to that. I probably should have gone with my gut and just stayed out of it.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending lots of hugs. I am sorry that difficult child blew up on you. It is pretty typical addict behavior to go on the attack when the family finds out even a hint of what is really going on. Keep going to alanon/marcanon meetings and posting here. It is hard to let them handle things, but you are doing a great job.

    As for why the girlfriend's mom is willing to do all of that? She doesn't ahve a clue. Or her daughter is a difficult child also and it is a way to keep ehr daughter from running. it may even be a sick way to keep tabs on her difficult child daughter if her daughter also has a drug problem. on the other hand, I have met women who push their daughter's into boyfriend's and even sex with boyfriend's. It seems to be a way to convince their kids that they are the "cool" parents and to upset the other parent if the other parent has expressed opposition to the boyfriend, the relationship, drugs involved, etc....


    If it is ANY consolation, at age 17 my gfgbro convinced my mother that the reason he spent quite a few hours passed out on the concrete sidewalk going to the back door was NOT because he was drunk and stoned out of his mind (clear fromt he stench of pot, booze etc.. all over him) but was because he was enormously depressed because our mom and I were dealing with some pretty major health problems. Yes, he convinced her that he was just tired and exhausted because he had been up all night for several nights worrying about our health.

    They are incredibly good at fooling people into believing the most incredibly far fetched reasons, explanations and justifications for their actions. Likely the girlfriend's mom is also raising a difficult child and is overwhelmed the way many of us are.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    My strong suspicion is that the mom has no idea of the real story, which is one reason why difficult child and girlfriend do not want me contacting her. I can't imagine a parent putting her daughter in the situation she is now going to be in, taking in a drug addict who has just left a sober house and has relapsed, a guy who will probably be emotionally abusive and who has major issues. I can understand wanting to help out a poor friend, whose parents are not there for him and who just sent him out of state because they don't really love them or some such story. In fact when I was in HS my best friend was a guy with lots of problems. He never officially lived with us but he practically did for a few months... my parents loved him as did I. He truly came from a very troubled home and had problems but my parents and I saw a lot of good in him. So I can understand parents doing this.... but in my difficult child situation I think the gas mom does not have all the info. So I am going to work hard on detachment.... and accept the fact that I probably won't hear from him until he is in real trouble and needs something. Then we will have to decide how much we are willing to do. I think we need to let him get to the point of real desperation for help and I don't think he is going to get there for awhile.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We had told our neighbor all about our difficult child years ago. They knew we were having problems with her. They knew their son snuck in our basement many times and smoked pot with her. They knew she stayed there overnight and we didn't know where she was. They covered up for her. They knew she had been in trouble with the police. They knew difficult child and their son cut school and got caught at his girlfriend's apartment by the school resource officer. They knew she had to go to juvenile court many times. They knew she had been in rehab and now relapsed. And yet they still allowed her to move into their basement and bring alcohol and drugs. They knew she was enrolled at the community college and they knew she wasn't attending classes. They should have known she was dancing in a strip club or they should have wondered how she had so much money in small bills and why she was coming home in the wee hours of the morning. So you see some parents just don't care. I guess they think they are being saviors or that difficult child told them we were crazy and they believed her. I am still trying to figure out what would make them take her in and enable her to relapse worse than ever before.

    For whatever reason these parents are willing to have your son move in, they will eventually find out the real story. And it's best that your son should face the consequences of his behavior without any involvement of yours. When our difficult child first moved out she posted all over her fb about her "new family" and her "wonderful brother". It hurt me to my very core. She rejected us and made a new family, that easy. When she asked to come home and wanted help finding a rehab place I told her to ask her new family for help and that surely the dad would help her find a place. She replied that she hated him and he was nothing like her dad. Whatever else happens I know in her heart that she realizes we love her and we are not the monsters she tried to make everyone think we were.

    I tried to intervene so many times with her and it didn't work. In the end I had to give up and let be whatever was going to be. Like husband said, let her go to this neighbor's house, they will have to feed her and get her to work and have the responsibility if she got into trouble on their property. At least it's out of your hands. I am actually surprised that this person suggested you call the girl's mother, that to me sounds like enabling him rather than letting him hit bottom on their own.

    I'm sorry you are in tears, I understand I really do. You are afraid and angry and you can't control what he does and you can't save him from himself.

    Last edited: Apr 10, 2011
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I think his point was addicts always look for the alternative plan to facing their addiction and themselves. His coming back here and living with his girlfriend was his alternative plan... and as a parent if I could cut that plan off he would have no where else to turn but facing himself where he was. That made sense to me and I tried to feel out the girlfriend. What I found out from doing that is my son has not changed, he is doing the same old thing and he is trying to escape the hard work of recovery. It was probably not a good move in terms of our relationship but at this point I don't even think that matters. We can't have a good relationship as long as he is running away from himself. I can do no more. So I am done.... and I realize I need a break from him and his drama. I am sure he won't contact us for awhile and that is probably good although it will be hard. I feel very sad but I also know I will survive this... I am not going to let myself get into the pain as I have in the past. I am there in the moment but I will go on. I will find a way to keep detaching and have a happy life. I have to for the myself, my husband and my daughter. I think he knows we love him and I suspect he knows my trying to contact his girlfriend was because I love him..... or hopefully someday he will realize that. It kills me that his girlfriend and her mother are enabling him like this and it will get worse and I hate to think what he will do to them.... but that is not my problem at this point. Thanks for all your thoughts and support. It helps.
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    It's really hard to figure out what your son thinks sober let alone what he thinks not sober, and addicted - or anyone for that matter. To beat yourself up over 'what is he thinking' thoughts will make you tired, (exhausted), tail chasing crazy, zombified, sorrowful at best, empty at least, regretful some days, hopeful others. No one knows what propells an addict. I've heard different people say different things drive them - the high, the peacefullness, the solitude, to forget a few say they don't know. I don't think in all the years I've been around them I ever remember anyone of them tell me "To make me happy." Most say "to forget, or to be numb so I won't feel." In most statements there has to be a good amount of pain. None of which you've provided. None of which you can take away. Sad as it makes you? This is not anything you caused and nothing you can fix.

    You're right - you will survive this, and there's going to be bumps along the way, and there's NO rule book. There's no you should, you will. There's just you and your son, and "Oh great, look what do I do now? Oh Someone please tell me what to do?" And your willingness to let him fall, and figure out - has he hit bottom? Do I pick him up now? Now? Now? Is this enough for him? for me? I dont' know, I don't care..this is all I can take.....I'll figure it out tomorrow, if I do this will it do that to him, will it ruin all the tough love?"

    I wish there was a standardized answer for you - on some things? there is - for the rest? (shrug) You just kinda have to use your senses - common sense, Momsense, Tough love - and detachment, plus in my world there's prayer. Dont' kid yourself either - when you need it? let go -

    I used to say - Trees Hate me - Grass fears me - I still have my aluminum bat - and love to take long walks in the woods. It sounds kookier than a woodpecker - but sometimes you just couldn't get to the therapist 'whenever' so I just did the batterup thing. If you don't think it helps? Go pound some sand...lol. I also used weed therapy - but not like 'roll one up" I pulled weeds all over the field. - I have a great looking field too.

    Take care - Fix what you can fix.....Hope for the best. Tell him you wish him the best of success -

    Sending hugs.
  11. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Kat is the master (or one of them- I think many others have parents on here!) at manipulation and finding people who are willing to buy her stories. She once told IG's mother I had put her and KK (just weeks old at the time) out on the street in the middle of the night with multiple inches of snow on the the ground. The truth- I told her she could only continue to stay at my house if she followed my rules (namely no contact with her abuser), otherwise she could go. She left. She has told people horrendous stories of how I treat her. Those who know me don't fall for it. Others have taken her in, given her money, given her rides, babysitting, you name it. I don't intervene because I know what will happen- she will eventually use them up and burn that bridge. It's very hard for me to watch because these are not the values I raised her with- I am almost crazy about doing for myself and not asking for help. But she is an adult and these are her choices. Getting involved almost always turns out bad and causes drama. I try to avoid it at all costs, and it is hard, especially with the baby involved.

    Stay strong and practice detachment. The more you practice the better you get. And focus on you- do what makes you feel happy and healthy rather than trying to make your difficult child happy and healthy. Turning that focus around to myself has been my key to sanity and survivial.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your wise words... just got a call from the sober house. He is flying back tomorrow. It is just good to know..... although now there will be no one who is going to let me know how he is doing and I am just going to have to get used to the not knowing. It is helpful to hear all of your experiences and that I am not alone. I am doing ok as long as I am busy and with other people. This is not a good time for me to be alone. Thank goodness my husband is not traveling for work this week.... and we leave on Thursday for a vacation to visit friends and family so that is also good. I am just wondering how long it will take for him to get into trouble.... but I guess even that doesn't matter since nothing is up to me at this point.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Fingers crossed girlfriend's mom catches on fast and doesn't enable him.
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I suspect things will be good for a couple of weeks and then will slowly deteriorate, but I sure hope girlfriend mom catches on fast...and that girlfriend does too. We heard last night they are driving him to the airport today and so then the wait begins....hopefully with practice I won't be distracted and flaky for long. Definitely need to keep working on detachment.
  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Obviously the girlfriend's mom doesn't know the true story and somehow probably thinks he is a victim of everything that has happened to him.
    Just take this time to relax, enjoy life and be happy that he is somebody elses problem for a while. Not having contact with them is not always a bad thing :) Out of sight out of mind can be very soothing at times.