Hm....etiquette.

[Shari]

husband's nephew is getting married in a couple weeks.

husband is the best man.

It is 11pm and I just found out, quite by accident, that there is a shower tomorrow for them.

husband thinks I was supposed to have been invited. I suspect I was intentionally left off the list.

I don't want to not go if I was supposed to have been invited (I don't care a whole lot for this bunch, but nephew is getting his head out of his butt, and his girlfriend has had a lot to do with that, and I do try to do what is right by family standards - just nothing extra for sister in law or the Brooms; we did go to see nephew graduate from the air force basic this summer), but I don't really want to call and ask, either, because there's a good chance husband's sis intentionally didn't invite me.

So...any suggestions?

 

[Jena]

wow that's a rough one. can husband call as opposed to you? and no invite in the mail? how did you find out so last minute about it?? if it were me i think i simply wouldnt' go, you didn't get an invite. what are you supposed to do at 11 at night? you dont' even have a gift.

 

[Shari]

LOL

How do I know???? Oh, that's a story in and of itself.

Two Brooms gave husband a matching set of flatware she got with betty crocker points 10 or 15 years ago. I was standing in line at the store tonight at 9pm and she called me to ask me about it. She asked if I knew where it was. (yes) Go get it. (I'm not at home) Do you use it? (no) Do you know where it is (yes, already answered this) Is it easy to get to? (yes) Call me when you get home. (ok)

15 minutes later, she calls again. You home yet? (no) Get the silverware when you get there and call me. (ok)

15 minutes later....repeat.

Then I got home. I got the silverware. I called her. She wanted me to count it. So i hung up and counted the pieces and called her back with the report. 12 knives, 10 steak knives, 11 spoons, 11 salad forks, 13 dinner forks, 8 shrimp forks, blah blah blah.

(this is typical conversation with this woman...to tell you what she is actually after would be like divulging international security secrets)

Turns out, she bought another set at the same time with her betty crocker points for nephew for his wedding gift YEARS ago, and is missing a fork and a serving spoon! She wanted husband's 13th fork, and she took one of his serving spoons. She came to get them 15 minutes ago. As she left, she said "I don't know what made me count them. But I did. Have you ever heard of having a shower at 11am?"

They've been at their lakehouse for a month. I told her I didn't even know they were home. She said they got in at 6 tonight, and will leave after the shower tomorrow.

Came in and asked husband if he knew about a shower for nephew tomorrow. He says he found out last night (no idea how he found out, either).

 

[KTMom91]

Do you want to go? Then go, with your sweetest smile and a lovely gift. You can always say husband told you really SHOULD go if you're asked.

If not, stay home. Or go riding.

 

[Shari]

I'm not big on weddings and all that jazz, quite frankly (if you can imagine....haha), but if I were invited, I would have made a point to go. Is it how I want to spend a beautiful fall day? No. Would I? Of course. Particularly since I hold a bit of hope that nephew might have a snowball's chance in hades to make something of himself. The boy that wrote letters back to me this summer and that we saw graduate from the air force wasn't the boy that left here in May, so yes, I'd be there with bells on to support it if I was supposed to be. If I was purposely left out, that's fine, too.

I think I'll just tell husband to tell his mama in the morning that I'm not going 'cause I wasn't invited. If the bride asks anyone about me, she'd ask Two Brooms, then Two Brooms can tell them whatever story she wants.

Then I'll pick them up a nice gift and mail it later.

 

[Andy]

OMG - I can't believe she took YOUR pieces of silverware to complete a set!!! How incredibly RUDE!!!

Before my wedding, a co-worker asked me who was invited to the wedding. I figured she knew her mother was so didn't even mention her family when I rattled off everyone. When her mother didn't show up at the wedding, I mentioned to her that I noticed she was not there and missed her. "She did not get an invite." "What? I KNOW I mailed her one!" She found it a few months later. My co-worker was hoping by asking me who was invited that I would have said her and her mom, ect, ect, ect.

Someone sooner or later will actually ask you about it or mention how fun it was then you can say that you did not know about it. Don't have to say, "I wasn't invited" just "I didn't know about it until my mother in law came the night before to get pieces to complete a set of silverware. She mentioned there was a shower at 11:00 am. It was then too late to go. I didn't have time to get a gift and wouldn't want to go empty handed." (don't have to say the set of silverware was a gift, let the person figure that one out - would that person remember that the bride to be received a set of silverware that day?) Who knows, maybe she didn't give the set and it was her way of getting into your house to let you know about the party last minute? That way she can tell everyone "I told her about it".

 

[shellyd67]

I can't believe she took you flatware to complete the set either ! WOW ! Shari, I would not go to the shower. If you are asked later on why you didn't attend, I would just say you were unaware of it until late the night before .... WOW !

 

[Mattsmom277]

Seems odd with your husband being best man that you would not be invited, it would be a major faux pas given your husband's place in the wedding party. At the same time, having received no invitation I wouldn't attend (nor give it a second thought). I wouldn't send a gift later on, I would simply take a small gift along to the actual wedding (I assume you are invited to that given your husband is in the party?).
Is there a reason your nephew's fiance wouldn't invite you? If yes, how rude, along with the whole silverware fiasco.
Hope you find a nice way to spend your day instead today!

 

[trinityroyal]

I also weigh in on the side of not going. You didn't get an invitation, so etiquette holds that if you did go you would be crashing the party.
Now, as to the reason that you didn't get an invitation, there are all sorts of etiquette breaches on their side that might explain what happened. You could give yourself a migraine just listing them, let alone trying to figure out what actually happened.

I would not go, not send a shower gift, ignore the whole thing and only mention it if someone asks you. I like Andy's response if someone does ask you.
Now, if you'd like to get a nice gift for your nephew and his fiancee just because you feel like it, that's a different story. Go ahead and do that, just don't tie it to the shower.

Hope you're enjoying a beautiful fall day doing things YOU enjoy.

Trinity

 

[Shari]

Two Brooms' reference to the shower was solely in respoonse to my statement that I didn't know they were even home. I truly dont think she would have mentioned it had I not brought up that they were supposed to be gone and was very in passing...I dont thins she came to inform me. She never said who the shower was for.

Mattsmom, that's my thought, which is why I asked. Since its possible, tho, the husband's sister made the invite list, being left off isn't out of the question.

If it were my ex-in-laws, I would just ask, because I just know I wouldn't have been excluded. Ditto for my own family. With these people, tho, as you can see, anything goes... I am telling you, this woman is ANGRY becuase I won't hate her DEX. And while I still don't hate her DEX, I have become better friends with his second wife. We chat frequently, andd banter on facebook a lot. And I am sure that makes sister in law even madder.

The sad part is, sister in law isnt the barfly that she was that lead to our initial parting of ways.

 

[Shari]

Oh, in regards to the flatware....we don't use it. Its never been used. While it crass for her to ask this, its not something I give a hoot about...

 

[muttmeister]

Well, it seems to me that if you're not invited, you don't go and you don't send a gift and you don't give it a second thought.

Around here, if you are invited to a shower, you should be invited to the wedding but the opposite is not true. Just because you are invited to the wedding doesn't mean you will be invited to all of the showers. Here we have showers for girlfriends, showers for co-workers, showers for geographical areas, showers for religious acquaintences, showers for family, etc., etc., etc. You wouldn't be invited to all of them, nor would you want to be.

Granted, given the prickly situations in your family, it could be somebody exercising a chance to get in a dig at you, but not necessarily. I'd just forget the whole thing and if anybody mentions that you weren't there, I'd just state simply that I wasn't invited.

No reason to get bent out of shape about what is either not a problem or else somebody else's stupidity.

 

[Shari]

Mutt, believe me...I am in no way worried about not being invited. That's fine.

My only concern lies in if I was supposed to have been, but for some reason did not get the invite (lots of people get the mail in my house and it doesn't always get brought inside in a timely manner). In that case, if I was invited but didn't show up, you can bet that would just be more ammo for them about why I am not worthy of the air I breath.

I was just wondering if I should ask because I think typically I would have been a person on the invite list.

The wedding has been thrown together in 5 weeks. This is the only shower there will be, so its not limited to co-workers, etc.

 

[DaisyFace]

Shari--

Whether you go or not...

It sounds as though you DID give a gift - you "pitched in" with the flatware.

I think you're good.

 

[Hound dog]

Hmmm. I'll start off by giving notice that I don't know squat about etiquette. lol Nor do I give a hoot about it.

How is your relationship with the bride? Do you like her and she you? Then go, give her your gift with a huge smile and not a worry about who may or may not have wanted you there. The shower is for the bride, not the rest of the family. So? Who cares what they think?

But see, I don't do etiquette. I just go with my gut on what feels right to me and don't worry about the rest.

 

[Shari]

I do like the bride. I think she is what straightened nephew out, quite frankly.

She dumped him about 2 years ago, for the same reasons we limited our contact. Told him to get it together and they'd talk. And he did, and has held it together.

Problem is, we haven't spent a lot of time with her, so she likely only knows what sister in law and two brooms have shared. Which won't be positive. I'm sure no one told her we were "distant" for the same reason she was distant...then again, nephew may have, I don't know. He's admitted to me he did some stupid things...I think he is growing up. Who knows.

I have a long time to build a relationship with her. I've already been exchanging letters on occassion with nephew.

 

[svengandhi]

I would ignore it. Did she take your pieces to use for the shower or to give as the gift? For our wedding, one branch of H's family gave us what we thought was a silver service. As we went through the pieces, H said, this pattern looks so familiar. When we found a piece of string bean on the tine of one fork, my mother in law laughed and said, it looks familiar because it's Auntie's own set. Turns out her kids had bought her a new set for a milestone birthday a month before our wedding and recycled the gift to us. Turned out it wasn't even silver. I later donated it to charity. To show how bizarre H's family is, this branch has become my favorites. They are good people, just not too bright.

 

[donna723]

So ... what did you end up doing? Did you go or stay home? Was the family giving the shower or friends of the bride? It was pretty rude not to invite you, especially if your husband is in the wedding party! And how tacky to "recycle" something she had sitting around the house as a shower gift! I would have stayed home and then given the couple a nice wedding gift later.

 

[Shari]

I didn't go. Two Brooms came in from their lake place for it, but I did not go.

A friend suggested I won't have to purchase a gift for the couple for years to come. For every event, I can just send them an additional piece of the flatware! ROFLMAO Ground Hogs Day? He's a shrimp fork!

They are just amazing people.