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Holidays & Trauma, Holding Both
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673714" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I understand the theory of codependency. I think I glimpse and lose and so on with it. But here is the thing: There is codependency for control and power over. And then, there is what is happening to us. And it's real, what is happening to us and to our kids and grands. It's real danger, real loss, real physical hurt for our children and we are genetically hardwired to protect them I think, whatever their ages, until they are okay. Real life terrible sad things for our grands whether we are onsite or not. And doing nothing doesn't stop what is happening or defuse the power dynamic in what is happening between ourselves and our kids the way it does in a typically codependent relationship because we are codependent now with an addiction, and not our children anymore. </p><p></p><p>I really like what Going posted for us about addiction, and about what that looks like from the center looking out.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much Going, if you are reading along, today.</p><p></p><p>Here is what I say about co-dependence then, Leafy. I think it does not apply, when our children are using drugs. It is easier to get into power over when they are using drugs, this is true. But I think we are desperately beyond that with our kids. So, codependency theory cannot help us. Detachment theory can help us, I think, and learning about enabling when it goes destructive can help us know how to do this.</p><p> </p><p>But I think co-dependency theory can not help us.</p><p></p><p>Choosing strong and choosing happy and coming real, which is very uncomfortable for me for sure, can help us I think. Putting space between the immediacy of the pain and ourselves ~ that can help us. I see myself so differently since we began doing our work in FOO Chronicles. I seem to be coming back into myself. I am still angry ~ ballistically angry, raw, down and dirty almost to hilariously angry, but so far, I come through it.</p><p></p><p>I always wonder whether I will come through it this time, or whether I will be stuck, there.</p><p></p><p>So far, I have come through it.</p><p></p><p>Anger is an Inconvenient Truth for sure, for me and Al Gore. </p><p></p><p>But true it is.</p><p></p><p>Roar, as I usually say, sometimes.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I remember when Serenity was where I am now. She was nicer about it, I have to say that. I am Temper Tantrum Queen, but that's okay. </p><p></p><p>So, I think that is where we all will get to, too.</p><p></p><p>Just a little longer.</p><p></p><p>Serenity herself posted that to me, once. That it was normal to be so angry, and that I would come through it too, just as she had.</p><p></p><p>She was right.</p><p></p><p>I am probably like, really close to normal now, you guys.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Leafy, here is a story you will understand. Daughter was seeing neuro specialists (so, brain people, right) and undergoing testing to determine healing versus healed versus maybe you will keep getting better. And she was still so emotionally up and down and laughing and crying and not able to control that so well. And falling asleep alot. And one of the Nurse Practitioners told daughter that if she did not want to be brain damaged, she should not let people kick her in the head.</p><p></p><p>I was already standing beside you Leafy, when your daughter said those words about baseball bats.</p><p></p><p>Neither of us knew it, that's all.</p><p></p><p>So now, you don't have to be so much alone with that feeling of fading in and out during those words.</p><p></p><p>We made eye contact then maybe, in that place between one heartbeat and the next where time stops.</p><p></p><p>You were there for me too, when it happened to me, that fade to black.</p><p></p><p>So was Copa, and Serenity and IC and all of us who have been in that place where the worst thing that could happen comes real.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, that is how we were able to stand up again, at all.</p><p></p><p>That hurt me for you, about the baseball bat.</p><p></p><p>Very much.</p><p></p><p>And about the brown-eyed grand wanting you to take her home.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673714, member: 17461"] I understand the theory of codependency. I think I glimpse and lose and so on with it. But here is the thing: There is codependency for control and power over. And then, there is what is happening to us. And it's real, what is happening to us and to our kids and grands. It's real danger, real loss, real physical hurt for our children and we are genetically hardwired to protect them I think, whatever their ages, until they are okay. Real life terrible sad things for our grands whether we are onsite or not. And doing nothing doesn't stop what is happening or defuse the power dynamic in what is happening between ourselves and our kids the way it does in a typically codependent relationship because we are codependent now with an addiction, and not our children anymore. I really like what Going posted for us about addiction, and about what that looks like from the center looking out. Thank you so much Going, if you are reading along, today. Here is what I say about co-dependence then, Leafy. I think it does not apply, when our children are using drugs. It is easier to get into power over when they are using drugs, this is true. But I think we are desperately beyond that with our kids. So, codependency theory cannot help us. Detachment theory can help us, I think, and learning about enabling when it goes destructive can help us know how to do this. But I think co-dependency theory can not help us. Choosing strong and choosing happy and coming real, which is very uncomfortable for me for sure, can help us I think. Putting space between the immediacy of the pain and ourselves ~ that can help us. I see myself so differently since we began doing our work in FOO Chronicles. I seem to be coming back into myself. I am still angry ~ ballistically angry, raw, down and dirty almost to hilariously angry, but so far, I come through it. I always wonder whether I will come through it this time, or whether I will be stuck, there. So far, I have come through it. Anger is an Inconvenient Truth for sure, for me and Al Gore. But true it is. Roar, as I usually say, sometimes. :O) I remember when Serenity was where I am now. She was nicer about it, I have to say that. I am Temper Tantrum Queen, but that's okay. So, I think that is where we all will get to, too. Just a little longer. Serenity herself posted that to me, once. That it was normal to be so angry, and that I would come through it too, just as she had. She was right. I am probably like, really close to normal now, you guys. *** Leafy, here is a story you will understand. Daughter was seeing neuro specialists (so, brain people, right) and undergoing testing to determine healing versus healed versus maybe you will keep getting better. And she was still so emotionally up and down and laughing and crying and not able to control that so well. And falling asleep alot. And one of the Nurse Practitioners told daughter that if she did not want to be brain damaged, she should not let people kick her in the head. I was already standing beside you Leafy, when your daughter said those words about baseball bats. Neither of us knew it, that's all. So now, you don't have to be so much alone with that feeling of fading in and out during those words. We made eye contact then maybe, in that place between one heartbeat and the next where time stops. You were there for me too, when it happened to me, that fade to black. So was Copa, and Serenity and IC and all of us who have been in that place where the worst thing that could happen comes real. Maybe, that is how we were able to stand up again, at all. That hurt me for you, about the baseball bat. Very much. And about the brown-eyed grand wanting you to take her home. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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