Home from rehab

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Oct 5, 2010.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We had our last family day Sunday at rehab. difficult child presented her home treatment plan including her emergency plan for when she wants to drink. Her counselor presented her with her coin for completing inpatient and a beaded bracelet she bought for her. We thanked her for not kicking difficult child out of the program any number of times she could have because that would have been another abandonment in her eyes. She said she knew that and that's why she was determined to keep her unless she used in treatment. She said the other behaviors are honest struggles which she respects.

    According to her discharge notes she was diagnosed with alcohol dependence, bipolar, and borderline personality traits versus disorder (whatever that means). She is taking seroquel and prozac which seems to be working well. I question the bipolar diagnosis but when I read the borderline traits they had her name written all over them.

    I just love this treatment center, they don't cut you lose and forget about you. They cover all bases and she came home with a list of all AA meetings everyday of the weeks in our area. So many of the staff at the center told us how much they loved having her there and how special she is. The administrator said he was very sad to see her go but never wanted to see her there again. As difficult as she is she somehow touches people's hearts.

    She started her IOP today 10-1 which goes for a month four days a week and then she goes to aftercare, one day a week. They are serious about IOP and the counselors are excellent and do random drug/alcohol tests and will send you back to inpatient if they determine you are using. She has to attend an AA meeting every day unless it is an IOP day. She went to a meeting Sunday when she got home and yesterday.

    We found what we think will be a very good therapist and she has her first appointment next Wednesday. He works with addictions and uses dialectical behavior therapy which has proven successful in borderline treatment.

    So that's where we are. I am guarded but we are hopeful. She is very excited to be home.

  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Oh Nancy.... (tears, excuse me). I hope with all my heart that this is the beginning of some really good things for difficult child (and your fam). I hope she *really* heard staff when they told her how special she is and that she can begin to accept that she does deserve happiness and goodness. I also hope that she is hopeful, and that when she falters (and she will) that she can hang on to the good stuff and not let it undo her.

    It sounds like you found a fabulous program for her. Kudos to you, again and again.

    One day at a time.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Sue, I hope with all my heart that she hangs onto the good stuff she learend there too. She said she knew she was given a gift by going there. Part of her recovery was to convince herself that she is worth it.

  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs, Nancy. The program sounds like it was a good fit for her.
  5. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    So glad to hear that difficult child completed the program and has continuing counseling and OP for followup. It sounds like this was a great place for her. Sending many good wishes and warm thoughts for continuing success, one day at a time.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    It can happen but you are doing both of you good by being optimistic while still cautious and just taking it a day at a time. I say that only because it's so much better than the people who think someone coming out of rehab is "cured" and is doing so well they could probably forget about all the follow-up care now. All the signs so far though are really darn good that she will make it. I'm so happy for all of you! Every day she follows this is an accomplishment and will make her stronger in it and more willing to try it again if the day ever comes where she slides backwards. You truly did find a wonderful program and that can make all the difference, along with having a strong support like you are giving her.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Auntie Janet is so proud! I kept telling you to hang in there. Borderline traits doesnt surprise me a bit. That DBT will do her a world of good. Just keep remembering, I dont seem like a raving lunatic...lmao.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds very promising. The IOP program sounds wonderful - I am so glad that it is there for her, as well as the aftercare program!! So many people find it hard to stay sober once they are out of rehab. She is very lucky to have parents like you, who will always be there to love her in healthy ways and to set healthy boundaries. It is important that she learn that she likely need meetings for many years to come.

    My brother said that one of the reasons that he has been able to stay sober is that the family NEVER gave him a hassle over going to a meeting. Dinners have been planned around them, almost EVERY time he has asked for someone to watch his daughter so he could go to a meeting it has been no problem, even if other things were planned. His ex's family, even her sons, expected her to be "cured" when she left rehab, and gave/give substantial grief if she "wants" to take time out to go to a meeting. Her family will bring it up and make fun of her for going to meetings, esp when she is really struggling. It is one reason she has yet to get a 1 year coin, though she has been fighting her addictions for over a decade.

    No matter what, make sure she knows that you are OK with her going to meetings - forever. I can't say if she will always need them, but it is a possibility. It can take some real flexibility to do this, esp when she has children, but it will help her a whole lot in the long run.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks Auntie Janet...keep praying.

    Susie I so believe in these meetings and am doing everything possible to support her going. Even though we took her car away two years ago I let her take mine to her meetings. She gets her paper signed that she's been there. I plan dinner around her meetings, change my schedule for them, and encourage her to go to as many different ones as she can until she finds a home meeting that she is comfortable with. Tomorrow night she is checking out a young peoples meeting. They have those on Friday and Saturday nights probably to give the young people something to do on weekend nights when everyone else is out drinking. So far she is excited about them and hasn't shown any resistance about going. She loves her IOP and I am so relieved. This program really does understand that you are not cured when you walk out the door. They have drilled it into all of us that the work has just begun.

    I am keeping busy driving her back and forth to IOP, going to my al-anon meetings, working in my easy child's classroom on Fridays helping kids with their word buddies and finishing closing up my Dad's house since we moved him into an apartment. It feels good to by busy. I am letting her take the responsibility on her own for her recovery and just trying to be supportive.

  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Nancy, it is very optimistic update. I am so happy to hear that she wants to take advantage of this gift. Of course, I know as we all do, to be guarded and to realize nothing ever goes too smoothly. Enjoy the honeymoon and continue to make her responsible for her recovery.
    I was wondering instead of you changing your schedule to accommodate hers, if you might not talk to her and reach a compromise. It will give her the power of being consulted like an adult without you withdrawing support. Can she sometimes accommodate your plans and schedule as well. Adults have that sort of give and take. It allows her to be a "giver" instead of you. I found that if I did all the giving that I was taking away their personal power and they always felt beholden and then guilty then oppositional. Let her give you the gift of consideration for your other obligations. She is only one of a total family unit.
    This may not be applicable to your situation but it was just something I discovered as my kids and siblings got older. Resentment would grow if I was always the giver. I had to learn to receive and to appreciate their sacrifice too. Just a thought.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Fran it's difficult because the meetings are all around early evening and there isn't much flexibility when she has to attend one each day. I don't plan them out for her, she is responsible for finding her own meetings and letting me know when and where and if I can't drive her and don't want her to take the car she has to find a ride. But I do whatever I can to have dinner for her at least so she can go. If the meetings were scattered throughout the day it would be different. We also have to work around her IOP and work schedule so for now I try to accomodate all I can. She really can't accomodate our schedule in early recovery but she can be responsible for knowing when and where she should be. She will have to attend a meeting on Thanksgiving and Christmas too.

    I do make her accomodate our schedule for other non recovery activities.

  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, it has been a long haul for your family. difficult child has been diagnosed with nothing, then something, then several things. She is as big a mystery as Rob.

    This program sounds outstanding and supportive of everyone. I hope with all my heart that they have been able to unlock some mysteries surrounding your difficult child to help her move to a more positive chapter in her life.

  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You're right Suz, she really is a mystery. I always thought that as she got older we might finally see what was really going on and for us at least it really was impossible to diagnose her when she was younger since each age was a different set of problems. The more I read about borderline though the more I see her there. I am reading "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and it's like I am understanding her for the first time. I look back now and it expalins so much.

    I do hope this gives her a chance to move forward. She filled out her paperwork for the new psychiatrist and she wrote that she was drinking 24 beers a night....yikes I had no idea and I thought I was so on top of everything. She also admitted that she was selling pot at the end. I am so grateful that everything came crashing down when it did and I forced the treatment center issue. I'm afraid husband would still be thinking about what to do. Although he has been super supportive and involved in her treatment and I think very grateful I found it.

  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Nancy, I'm not sure I believe 24 beers a night. I would think that alcohol poisoning...projectile vomiting...or extreme weight gain........would show up before she could swallow 4 six packs a night. I can't even imagine swallowing that much liquid- I'd be up all night going to the bathroom! lol.

    But exaggerating, or downright lying, would fall right into the borderline spectrum...also Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). At one point Rob fit both descriptions and it was scary as hell.

    The good news is that she is still young. Lord help us all, I hope she is learning important lessons now. It took Rob a few more years...and I'm still not convinced that he's learned the really important ones. If she is full of baloney, hopefully the therapist can help her face it and move forward.

    Last edited: Oct 8, 2010
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You've done and are doing a great job for her. Both of you are really doing what gives her the best chances and she's building a great foundation for getting past this. My cousin did well for ten years, backslid for a weekend, then took himself back to OP treatment/more active in meetings that Monday- before anyone else even had a chance to flip over it. LOL! I was so proud of him though for being able to do that. As far as I know, he hasn't backslid again and that was about 12 years ago.

    As far as you moms describing borderline and difficult child's who are difficult to figure out- I'm starting to be able to relate to that regarding my son and I think Janet mentioned this possibility long ago. I'll have to keep an eye out for related topics.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just wrote a long response and lost it...grrrr.

    Both husband and I thought 24 beers wasn't possible either but she assured us that last week she was drinking that much. They told us her tolerance was very high and that it took five days in detox to get it all out of her system. She may have been projectile vomitting, she was out everyday until 4am. I do know the last night she was in a blackout and had no idea where she was or what she was doing, urinating on the carpeting. I also saw her drink 4 beers at easy child's grad party at our house in about an hour without flinching or showing any signs of impairment. I don't know why she would lie about it, I tend to believe her confessions since this is the first time she has ever admitted to her behavior. So whether it was 24 or 18 it was quite a lot and she kept it hidden for a long time. She also admitted that she got fired from her job two years ago for going in high.

    Klmno I am hoping that this foundation is what will help during her times of relapse, which I am expecting. Everytime she makes a friend on facebook I hold my breath, everytime she walks out the door I hold my breath. Everytime she tells us something I check to see whether it's something we can believe. But she did go to an AA meeting every day this week and found a young people's meeting that she went to tonight. She loved it and said it was so nice to meet other young people who are living sober and having fun. She has to have her papaer signed every meeting so I know she went, and they can't forge the signature because each meeting has their own stamp. They told her about another young people's meeting tomorrow and she is going and thinks she wants to make one of those her home meeting. They have social activities too and invited her to a halloween party/ bonfire/meeting.

    This is the first time in years that she has clear eyes and seems really happy and excited about life. We actually talk now and she sits with the family instead of locked up in her room. I hope she isn't full of baloney because I like this new person. Will it last, I don't know. But I do believe that what we have gained in the past two months no one could ever have told me would happen. I don't even talk to any of my family about this because if you haven't goen through the program you have no idea what it's like and they would have no appreciation ofr the journey we traveled.

  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Young peoples' meetings should be a great avenue for her to re-enter a social life without the old habits. As far as meeting times- some areas have lunchtime meetings at noon once or twwice a week but this might not be available or appropriate for her. I really like the idea of younger people having meetings sometimes as long as she's still in touch with other things, just in case one of the younger ones doesn't start steering the other ones away.

    As far as her intentions- honestly I think you have every reason to believe she is making the best effort she can. While I understand and think it's a good idea to stay cautious, based on my experience and knowing others going thru this- she is nmaking a real effort and deserves many, many kudos! Really! I think she needs realistic support right now, in my humble opinion, not doubt and not unrealistic expectations. She's trying to take it a day at a time and she's doing it. Every day she does that and gets support reinforces her ability to make it another day. And that gives her strength so when the day comes that it's really hard, she can get thru it or if she doesn't, she knows she can go back, take responsibility, and keep trying to go forward. If she ever viewed it as a failure, it would probably be over. There's a fine line- I know.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And many, many kuddos to you for finding that rehab, getting her in it, being involved and staying supportive, and going to al-anon. My mother never did any of those things. I still did ok, but kuddos to you for giving your daughter a better chance.
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks klmno, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I keep my doubts and worries to myself and we are very positive and encouraging around her.

    "She's trying to take it a day at a time and she's doing it. Every day she does that and gets support reinforces her ability to make it another day. And that gives her strength so when the day comes that it's really hard, she can get thru it or if she doesn't, she knows she can go back, take responsibility, and keep trying to go forward." I know that every day she stays clean, every meeting she goes to, is a building block and she is making it one day at a time and I am terribly proud of her.

    I agree about the young people's meetings. She said there are older (35ish) people too and they have been there for many years. One guy started when he was 17 and he's been sober 17 years now and he keeps coming back because he loves working with young people. I worried that if it were just young people it could break down but obviously this group has been together and working for many years. She will still have her regular meetings on other days she she will stay in touch with the general population. We don't have any lunchtime meetings in our area, they are mainly in the downtown area.

    I am excited for her and for us. She said she loves having a relationship with us and is happier with herself than ever before.

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, I can tell you that while I dont think I ever had a true substance abuse issue that once I grew up and put away my toys, I never ever had the desire to have that addictive nature. Unless you count food, cigs and diet coke! I dont think I have been drunk but maybe 4 or 5 times in my adult life and havent used recreational drugs but twice when someone tried to convince me that pot would make all my pain go away so I tried it and hated it. I think I took one puff on two different tries. Not for me...lol.

    Now I certainly take a fairly large number of prescribed medications and I know I have mental and physical health issues. I firmly believe I have both bipolar and borderline. I have always suspected borderline in your dtr. Good news is that the older she gets, the better off she will get. One day she is going to have her own dtr to stress about. You and I will just laugh about it. LOL.