Home or Homeless

[Dallas]

I havent posted in awhile. Things are getting better, my AS (37yrs old going on 20) has been in jail since end of April. We have spoken on the phone, and it has been nice I have to say. I am angry for all he has done, but I love my son. He may get out in Aug. for time served, he violated a stay away order from his ex. I had told him he cannot move back home, he knows this, but he has no phone, clothes, car, money, he has nothing. How is he supposed to get back into a program with no help? My husband and I have been in a discussion about this. Maybe have him stay for a week, he can make calls, find a shelter, etc. I do want to support him and at least give him the tools to start this again. I have not told my son this and wont until we pick him up from jail, if he gets out. We will be on vacation that week so he wont be in our house unless we are there. I know you cannot give advice but I am having a hard time thinking of just dropping him off near a shelter, which may not even have a bed available and then what? He cannot call anyone, can not google the program he wants to get into, he cant do anything to get where he needs to be. Maybe Im talking myself into this being a good decision, I still dont want him living home, after a week, and if he still hasnt figured it out, I can sleep at night knowing that I gave him support to get the help he needs and no guilt when we drop himm off at a shelter and he figures it out without my help.
Thank you for being here for me.

 

[ksm]

Does he have addiction issues? One option might be an Oxford House. Our town of 50,000 has 9! I believe the cost is about $100 a week.

I had checked it out as an option for my daughter. The houses are self governed and the group will expel someone for not following rules. They have to attend AA/NA meetings, pitch in with chores, etc.

Most work full or part time. If this seems suitable, you might think about paying for two or three weeks, giving him a chance to find a job.

There are also Adult/Teen Challenge locations. They are usually faith based and are about a year long.

I hope you find something that is a good fit. Ksm

 

[elizabrary]

If he goes to a shelter they have social workers who will help get him on his feet. There may be computers there, but if not he go to the local library for computer access. If you let him back in your home you may have a difficult time getting him to leave. In my community we have a nonprofit organization that helps ex cons get jobs, clothing, housing, etc. There may be something similar in your community that can help him. I believe the Salvation Army also helps those released from prison. He may not have the housing or clothing he wants when he is first released, but he can definitely find what he needs.

 

[RN0441]

I agree with the others. I would not let him back in your home. I think that things can go awry very quickly.

I do believe that prison systems help prisoners get settled once they are released if they ask for it. He won't do that if you offer to rescue him.

My son is 23 and will be 24 next month. He is home after a 13 month faith based program. He was literally perfect when he came home but as time goes on I can see his sense of entitlement returning. I do no think it is ever good for our adult difficult children to move home. We raised our kids. It is no longer our job to house and feed them. They need to figure it out. It is hard not to enable them when they are in our home. Trust me, I know. As soon as our son gets his welding certification he will be on his own. We constantly remind him that this is short term.

Just my two cents....

 

[BusynMember1]

Just because he is doing better while locked up in jail, doesn't mean he will be any better once he is out. It is structured in jail. Big difference.

I vote for not letting him live with you ever again. Once he is there it will be hard to get him out, and I believe you will probably eventually want to do that. These kids are hard to live with and in my opinion learn better on their own. If they dont learn on their own, they sure arent going to learn in our homes while they terrorize us. in my opinion best to get him services that let him live away from you.

 

[Copabanana]

Maybe have him stay for a week, he can make calls, find a shelter, etc. I do want to support him and at least give him the tools to start this again.

I didn't have time to read all of the posts but what I read, I agree with.

I think it would be a mistake to have him come home. You would not necessarily be supporting him by this.

I think a sober living home such as Ksm suggests would be great. Even alcohol or marijuana use would qualify. My son was able to live in a sober living home, for marijuana. And it is legal here and he didn't even want to quit. *But he liked the home until he didn't like the rules. And there are homes for people getting out of jail too.

I think sometimes when we think we are helping we are really not. I think we feel better, and less guilty or maybe less worried, but it is not what are adult children need.

 

[Dallas]

Thak you all for your responses. I did find a couple of programs for him in a sober living residence.

 

[Lost in sadness]

Hi

Its all such a painful dilemma isn't it? Personally, having taken my son back into the family home and experienced exactly the same as the reason we kicked him out in the first place my advice would be not to have him back. Its too easy for them to slip back. xx