//...The therapist and my difficult child says that the problems are at home...//
This really gets to me, really, really.
No, the problems are NOT at home. The problems are in his head, in his biology, in his brain's chemistry.
And--why isn't this obvious to everyone--the problems are in the facility. He's not doing well there, is he? With all their expertise and resources and legal advantage, they still can't make the problems go away.
But the problems are in the home? Except for the fact that you miss him so dreadfully, are there problems in the home right now? It seems not; all the problems that were in the home seem to now be in the facility.
What's the common denominator? difficult child.
But no, he can't be blamed, because we all know it's not his fault. He can't help his biology, and science doesn't know what to do, and it ***** not to be able to count on your own brain.
So who's to blame? Can't be the facility, they are doing everything possible, so it must be the parents, the family, the home. Because somebody has to take the fall, and the experts aren't going to be the fall guy, and apparently by the rules of ... well... those are just the rules, somebody has to be the bad guy when there's a victim, so it's got to be the parents.
In psychotherapy, there's a pattern of behavior called the Karpman drama triangle: it goes like this: for every victim there's a bad guy/perpetrator, and a rescuer. It's a DYSFUNCTIONAL behavior pattern, where everyone has his roles and jockeys around to use the roles to gain power.
How often does this DYSFUNTIONAL dynamic play out with us as we try to find help for our children? The kids are the victims, the professionals are the rescuers, and the parents are the bad guys.
The thing is NOBODY profits from this dynamic: the victims are never helped and learn helplessness and manipulation and try to help themselves by becoming perpetrators or rescuers; the rescuers can't rescue so they are frustrated and to get their needs met tend to drift into the victim role; and the official bad guys feel pushed into the role, alienated, and either try to grab the victim spot (which is the power position) or walk away completely, leaving the other two in chaos until they find a new perpetrator to blame all their problems on.
People in this dynamic never actually solve any problem (except for the bad guy who walks away, the only escape from the triangle is via the bad guy role--but he only ends up solving his own problems). That's why the dynamic is considered DYSFUNCTIONAL, because no problems are ever solved, it's an endless dance of people jockeying for position.
The most common form is where dad is the bad guy, mom the victim and the kids are the rescuers. But how common have you all found it that the 'system' or 'society' forces our kids into the victim role, themselves into the rescuer mode, and the parents into the role of perpetrator?
Or make our kids into the bad guys, while society plays victim, and the parents are forced to be rescuers, and when they can't, the parents are the bad guys?
That's what's happening here: child is the victim even though he's the one generating the problem; the facility is playing rescuer but can't rescue (because they aren't addressing the real problem); and the 'home', ie parent, is the bad guy. And they completely ignore the fact and reality that they are having the same problem with difficult child that the parents are having and are having the same success as the parents and are doing the same things the parents are doing. But they are innocent and the facility is innocent.
Why don't you try talking with your son about all this and making sure he knows that at this point, the decision is not all up to you but you are willing to consider him coming back home under whatever conditions make you comfortable. Maybe that discussion could help you make your decision.
