home or jail

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Mar 25, 2009.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    my difficult child is in a facility right now and things are not looking good for him -just as he gets close to getting to come home he ragges and loses everything. I want to bring him home with MST but I was told today that he might not get to but will be sent to jail or detention. The therapist and my difficult child says that the problems are at home --but how do we work on them if he isn't allowed to come home. Him being gone is killing me -I am so depressed and have gained weight -I have no will to do anything.With his Bi-polar, I know that the mood swings can be crazy but do they not know this. I called and told them that he was shutting down and the medications they have him on now were not working and that he was getting ready to explode but they did nothing then call me a couple of days later that he hurt his hand cause he punched the wall.....then lost his level and tht made him even worse. I don't feel like he is getting any help there but don't know what to do or how to do it. I cry all the time....I NEED HIM HOME:furious::not_fair:
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I wish I had advice. All I can do is send gentle hugs and prayers.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry- I hope you can find a resolution that you can live with. I was just the opposite with my approach. My son became violent with me and I was pushing for Residential Treatment Center (RTC). They wanted him home, I didn't "meet their requirements" to let that happen, so he has been turned over to state Department of Juvenile Justice. There are no easy answers to this. The one thing that has been recommended to me by my therapist that makes sense to me is to get family therapy while the kid is out of the home. This might not apply to your situation, but my son had "bad reactions" to family therapy and after he started becoming violent, I was not copmfortable until another solution was found.

    Can you tell us a little more about what is going on with him? How long has he been out of the home and what kind of place is he in? Can you visit often? Was he violent at home? Was he ever stable at home?
  4. mog

    mog Member

    My difficult child is ADHD, Bi-polar, ODD, hyperglycemic and has restless leg syndrome. It has been a struggle since age 2- I tried home remedies for years because I was afraid to put him on medications then when he started 5th grade he came home crying saying that if medications would help to please try it. the next couple of years were up and down trying to regulate his medications. Some worked ok and others made him rage. He has this ides that it is his responsibility to "save" his sisblings from me. He always interferes with me trying to disipline his siblings. He has had at least a hundred different therapists and we started losing control when one of them told him that it was my fault because my difficult child expects me to fix the world for him because I always made everything "fair" between the 4 kids --my two and my two step that we had full custody of (no contact with bio on either side). Then we lost control completely when we had a therapist tell difficult child that he was his own boss and that he didn't have to do anything that he was not getting paid for. He became violent and takes most of all the anger out on me or his bio sis to the point that we had to restrain him. He has destroyed the house -patches everywhere. When he first was taken he was in detention until they found a bed for him in a facilty then was taken to a stricter detention until he went where he is now. He has been gone from the family since Oct 26th 2008.He is in a behavioral hospital. Since the facilty is so far away we have only been able to see him 3 times in the last four months and he only gets one phone call a day so sometimes he calls us and sometimes other family members but his list is short due to other issues that we don't want them even knowing that he is not at home. He has been stable before --his fifth grade year was great- before he left he was pretty stable he would only raged once every 6 weeks or so but it was intanse when he did but then after he would gorge on food then fall asleep. The following morning he would be remorseful and try to "patch" things.I'm worried now because I know that his medications are not stable -They changed them and I don't even know what they are. A big part of the problem is that he was telling people that he was sneaking out and drinking a doing durgs at late night parties which I know was not happening because when he was here we made him stand in front of us a swallow his medications and they would knock him out--I us to be afraid of that because we did several fire drills at night and he never heard them. I found out later that his older brother was the one doing all of that and he was making them his own experiences to "fit in with the cool crowd"
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Personally, I would be a little concerned about bringing him home until I had reason to believe that he was stable enough for therapy (of any kind) to be effective and medications were keeping him a little more "reasonable". But, I'm a single mom and there's no one in our home but us, so maybe that makes a difference.

    How long can he stay where he is? Are the only choices truly detention or home?
  6. mog

    mog Member

    Well April 3 is when they are suppose to decide what happens. Things at home have changed a lot -his 2 step siblings are not with us anymore and his bio sis will graduate this year and leave for college the beginning of Aug. so he will be here alone which I think will be good since we won't have to "take the fall" for the stuff his older brother is doing. I don't realy know for sure what the choices are -like i said before the JPO's give me one story and the facility a different one. Left several messages for both today and never got an answer
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Shoot- I am not comfortable giving a strong opinion or advice on this one- which is part of the reason I didn't respond sooner. I apologize- I thought others might chime in with better ideas than me. Really, in my situation, I opted for my son to be out of the home a while. That doesn't necessarily mean I want my son out of the home forever. But, all situations are different and if you are struggling this much with this, it tells me that you might not be able to forgive yourself if you don't give this a shot. I suggest following your "mommy gut"- it always knows best. :) Why don't you try talking with your son about all this and making sure he knows that at this point, the decision is not all up to you but you are willing to consider him coming back home under whatever conditions make you comfortable. Maybe that discussion could help you make your decision.

    Good luck- let us know how it works out!
  8. WSM

    WSM New Member

    //...The therapist and my difficult child says that the problems are at home...//

    This really gets to me, really, really.

    No, the problems are NOT at home. The problems are in his head, in his biology, in his brain's chemistry.

    And--why isn't this obvious to everyone--the problems are in the facility. He's not doing well there, is he? With all their expertise and resources and legal advantage, they still can't make the problems go away.

    But the problems are in the home? Except for the fact that you miss him so dreadfully, are there problems in the home right now? It seems not; all the problems that were in the home seem to now be in the facility.

    What's the common denominator? difficult child.

    But no, he can't be blamed, because we all know it's not his fault. He can't help his biology, and science doesn't know what to do, and it ***** not to be able to count on your own brain.

    So who's to blame? Can't be the facility, they are doing everything possible, so it must be the parents, the family, the home. Because somebody has to take the fall, and the experts aren't going to be the fall guy, and apparently by the rules of ... well... those are just the rules, somebody has to be the bad guy when there's a victim, so it's got to be the parents.

    In psychotherapy, there's a pattern of behavior called the Karpman drama triangle: it goes like this: for every victim there's a bad guy/perpetrator, and a rescuer. It's a DYSFUNCTIONAL behavior pattern, where everyone has his roles and jockeys around to use the roles to gain power.

    How often does this DYSFUNTIONAL dynamic play out with us as we try to find help for our children? The kids are the victims, the professionals are the rescuers, and the parents are the bad guys.

    The thing is NOBODY profits from this dynamic: the victims are never helped and learn helplessness and manipulation and try to help themselves by becoming perpetrators or rescuers; the rescuers can't rescue so they are frustrated and to get their needs met tend to drift into the victim role; and the official bad guys feel pushed into the role, alienated, and either try to grab the victim spot (which is the power position) or walk away completely, leaving the other two in chaos until they find a new perpetrator to blame all their problems on.

    People in this dynamic never actually solve any problem (except for the bad guy who walks away, the only escape from the triangle is via the bad guy role--but he only ends up solving his own problems). That's why the dynamic is considered DYSFUNCTIONAL, because no problems are ever solved, it's an endless dance of people jockeying for position.

    The most common form is where dad is the bad guy, mom the victim and the kids are the rescuers. But how common have you all found it that the 'system' or 'society' forces our kids into the victim role, themselves into the rescuer mode, and the parents into the role of perpetrator?

    Or make our kids into the bad guys, while society plays victim, and the parents are forced to be rescuers, and when they can't, the parents are the bad guys?

    That's what's happening here: child is the victim even though he's the one generating the problem; the facility is playing rescuer but can't rescue (because they aren't addressing the real problem); and the 'home', ie parent, is the bad guy. And they completely ignore the fact and reality that they are having the same problem with difficult child that the parents are having and are having the same success as the parents and are doing the same things the parents are doing. But they are innocent and the facility is innocent.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yes, this is very common- we are dealing with that from my son's guardian ad litem and probation officer, too, moreso that therapists and psychiatrists. That is one reason I question how effective MST will be, but that depends a lot on the person doing the MST. Any chance you can meet that person and talk with them now before deciding what to ask for?
  10. Stef

    Stef Dazed and Confused

    I may be wrong, but I don't think an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) has the right to send him off to jail. Has he broken a law? Did you sign him in, or was he taken there by the police? What kind of facility is he in? You might want to get some legal advice. Some places may try to put one over on you for whatever reason. If the police were originally involved- that's a reason. Get a lawyer, or at least talk to one. It's not a bad idea to have one at the ready anyhow. I know. Hope this works out for you.

    Did you happen to watch 20-20 last night? There was a spot on there about a Judge Mark A. Ciavarella Jr. in Penn. who was putting kids in detention for minor violations. Here's the link - it's an unbelievable story:


    Another reason to always seek counsel. Don't believe anything the system tells you until you can prove it to be true. I was told BS by detectives. They were going to put difficult child in a "diversion" program. It's a program run by the States Atty's office for 1st time JV offenders. It bypasses the courts. The next thing I knew the sheriff was at the door with papers for my son. He was being charged after all. Fortunately, my State (IL) requires all JV defendants be represented thru the entire process. We're only one of three states to whom that applies. Don't go it alone- there's too many traps.
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2009