home visit...worried

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by PiscesMom, Jun 25, 2016.

  1. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    ok, my son has been at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) since winter. he is on a home visit.the plan was for him to be w me. (his dad and i divorced when he was in kindergarten.) he ended up staying at his dad's. I visited him at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and we have been having family therapy sessions over the phone since he was admitted. They say he is doing very well.
    ok - home visit time, he stayed one night with me and then went to his dad's - he has a week's visit. He and his dad are planning to grow marijuana for profit. It is legal here - so unless they do something stupid they should be ok.
    What I am worried about - he seems to have forgotten about me - I messaged him (he doesn't have a working cell phone) and he just has given me one or two word answers. He is borderline rude. No, i don't speak to his father - his father was controlling and verbally abusive and was devastated when i left him and does not speak to me.
    I will call his therapist Monday. I am just concerned that my son has some kind of personality disorder - maybe a soft antisocial (the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said he has a conscience). They have not come up w a diagnosis, the latest was autism, but now they are getting away from that. He just has a flat affect and is consumed w growing marijuana. I am ok w it, likely a huge industry is going to open up. When he smiles, he looks adorable.
    Another thing - i am seeing a therapist about my childhood experiences. I have no memories of being loved or nurtured as a child. I have disassociated (felt unreal) a lot - less as I age, or feel secure in where i am). My therapist thinks I projected my needs onto my kids - love and reassurance, pretty much, because that is what I needed. But maybe they needed limits.
    I am worried the dye is cast -
    oh, and the plan was for the visit to mostly be with me, and for him to be sent home to live with me. I understand a young man needing his father...i just don't know what to think and hoping he has a good life.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hey, hope he starts appreciating you. I HAVE one kid who cut the family off for unknown reasons, except he sees my ex, bUT rarely. Ex has a lot of money (cough).

    These troubled young adults often only come around if they need something. It's not you. Please don't take it personally.

    I have had depersonalization and derealization myself. That's mild disassociation. I think for me it's an anxiety symptom although I had trauma in my childhood too. I am sorry for your pain.

    Your sons flat affect could be the pot. Chronic smokers rarely look very animated.

    Hugs to you!
  3. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    thanks! what to do? just stay in therapy?
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Therapy helped me tons. I have always struggled with mental illness so I use therspy to enhance my treatment.
  5. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    yeah...but i did this, right? he is almost 18. i didnt raise my kids w enough rules?, and now he will struggle.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A lot of kids dont have strict rules. I didnt have strict rules either. A few struggled for a few years, but they are doing well now.

    I believe the parenting that is considered the worst by experts is authoritative. You did fine. Sometimes heredity comes into play. Sounds like your son is just like his dad.
  7. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    thank you! i tend to blame myself for everything. :(
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Join the crowd :kickme:
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  9. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Sorry that you are going through this. My stepson (15, almost 16) has decided my W (his bio mom) and I are the reason his life sucks, and he refuses to speak to either of us. He is hardheaded, stubborn and violent - not to mention the size of an NFL offensive lineman. If he cannot avoid a situation, he becomes violent. His favorite mode of attack is strangulation.

    Stepson has a really complicated history, my W divorced his dad when he was in grade school and dad didn't take it well. He has always lived with his dad. I think he likely has abandonment issues around my W because of this, but it doesn't explain everything. We had a pretty decent relationship until this spring when he had to be hospitalized. Something snapped in him after the hospitalization and he now hates my W and me.

    As the stepparent (and relatively new in his life, his mom and I have been married 2 years), I am like "whatever." Of course, it's a very different story for my spouse. She's devastated, but accepts the situation. Nobody can force a teenager, especially one of his size and temperament, to do something he does not want to do.

    All you can do is let your son know you will always be there for him, and hope he comes around in the future. I hope he is getting the help that he needs to be a productive citizen and happy person.