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Homeless 43 year old son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 637412" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Marie, welcome.</p><p></p><p>It would work better if you posted your thread in the Parent Emeritus forum where our kids are older then 18. </p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may want to read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You may also want to get yourself some help. A 12 step group. A support group for parents. Therapy. Someplace you can go to talk about this and get guidance and support. </p><p></p><p>You are not alone, those of us with adult kids on the PE side have been where you are now. The only way to change this dynamic between you and your son is for you to stop enabling him. Unfortunately at 43, the likelihood of him changing is remote. YOU have to be the one to change. And for the most part, we parents need a lot of support to make that shift in thinking.</p><p></p><p>You are not responsible for an adult who makes poor choices. Your son is entitled and is manipulating you. At this point he excels at it. If you change and begin to say no, he will likely get obnoxious and up the ante with horror stories to make you feel guilty so that you will give in. It's tough not to fall for that, but you have to stop enabling him. He will continue to abuse you and use you until you say STOP.</p><p></p><p>Get yourself some help so that you can change this dynamic and retire and have your own life. I am 65 and have a 41 year old daughter who I have had to detach from. Interestingly, as I removed myself from her sphere of manipulation of me, she began to find her own way. The only time they begin to do that is when WE STOP enabling them. </p><p></p><p>You are in an unhealthy connection with your adult, middle aged son. The parenting ship sailed a long time ago. It is time for you to let go. Most of us need guidance and support to do that because it feels as if we are supposed to keep helping them until they grow up, but some of our kids just don't launch for whatever reason and we have to step back and let them go into their now destiny without us saving them. Whatever that means. He is 43. He is not 15, or even 25, he is a grown man. He is making choices to use whoever he can to stay in the life he has chosen. You don't have to be one of those people he uses. You can step away. The only way you will stop this is if you do step away. </p><p></p><p>Your guilt is what he uses to control you. You have to move beyond that guilt. You didn't cause this and you can't control it and you can't stop it. Only he can. </p><p></p><p>The "voice of reason" is for you to detach from your son and go have your own life. Start that process today by seeking help to detach. Put your own needs FIRST. Do not respond to his requests. Do not replace his phone or send him any more money. Stop enabling him. If you have to, do not speak to him for awhile, give yourself time to gain strength. He knows exactly how to manipulate you through your guilt so until you are strong enough to not succumb to that, you may want to consider no contact for awhile. </p><p></p><p>Keep posting it helps. Put your thread in the PE side, you will receive more responses there from folks who are or have been in your shoes.</p><p></p><p>Sending you warm wishes for peace of mind in the stormy sea you find yourself in.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 637412, member: 13542"] Marie, welcome. It would work better if you posted your thread in the Parent Emeritus forum where our kids are older then 18. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. You may want to read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. You may also want to get yourself some help. A 12 step group. A support group for parents. Therapy. Someplace you can go to talk about this and get guidance and support. You are not alone, those of us with adult kids on the PE side have been where you are now. The only way to change this dynamic between you and your son is for you to stop enabling him. Unfortunately at 43, the likelihood of him changing is remote. YOU have to be the one to change. And for the most part, we parents need a lot of support to make that shift in thinking. You are not responsible for an adult who makes poor choices. Your son is entitled and is manipulating you. At this point he excels at it. If you change and begin to say no, he will likely get obnoxious and up the ante with horror stories to make you feel guilty so that you will give in. It's tough not to fall for that, but you have to stop enabling him. He will continue to abuse you and use you until you say STOP. Get yourself some help so that you can change this dynamic and retire and have your own life. I am 65 and have a 41 year old daughter who I have had to detach from. Interestingly, as I removed myself from her sphere of manipulation of me, she began to find her own way. The only time they begin to do that is when WE STOP enabling them. You are in an unhealthy connection with your adult, middle aged son. The parenting ship sailed a long time ago. It is time for you to let go. Most of us need guidance and support to do that because it feels as if we are supposed to keep helping them until they grow up, but some of our kids just don't launch for whatever reason and we have to step back and let them go into their now destiny without us saving them. Whatever that means. He is 43. He is not 15, or even 25, he is a grown man. He is making choices to use whoever he can to stay in the life he has chosen. You don't have to be one of those people he uses. You can step away. The only way you will stop this is if you do step away. Your guilt is what he uses to control you. You have to move beyond that guilt. You didn't cause this and you can't control it and you can't stop it. Only he can. The "voice of reason" is for you to detach from your son and go have your own life. Start that process today by seeking help to detach. Put your own needs FIRST. Do not respond to his requests. Do not replace his phone or send him any more money. Stop enabling him. If you have to, do not speak to him for awhile, give yourself time to gain strength. He knows exactly how to manipulate you through your guilt so until you are strong enough to not succumb to that, you may want to consider no contact for awhile. Keep posting it helps. Put your thread in the PE side, you will receive more responses there from folks who are or have been in your shoes. Sending you warm wishes for peace of mind in the stormy sea you find yourself in. [/QUOTE]
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