Homeless and facing 5 charges with my 20yr.old son

[Woriedmom]

I say "with" because I feel as if I'm facing the charges myself. My sons detailed police report came in the mail...my son told me after coming in the house for more clothes that he didn't care if I opened the letter...this he said as he went out the door so carelessly. He is so stupid, I don't think he realizes the seriousness of the charges he is facing. It's not just that he was high, but he was driving and there were several empty Ziplock baggies on the console with the seeds from the weed. His eyes were glassy, they took him to the hospital for a blood test which confirmed that he was high of course. I think the most difficult part for me to read was that there were 5 policemen that he wrestled with and a vicious police dog, terrified my son laid himself on the ground but not before kicking one of the cops when they attempted to throw him on the ground. WHAT WAS HE THINKING? well, guess he wasn't thinking. The report is 2 pages long that the judge will be reading. And mind you this is the judge that he stood before when he was 17 years old , that was for having lots of weed on him and disorderly conduct. My husband kicked him out and my son has to make these phone calls to his public defender, he's been court ordered for fingerprints,etc. Does anyone here have their kids facing both the addiction of drugs AND these kind of charges? My son is very careless. I mean if I were the one smoking weed at least I'd try to hide it from my parents. He was so careless and I never thought it would come to this kind of trouble with the law. I think I'm getting mad which I hear is progress? one more question is that I'll be with my son at the hearing ...will the judge ask me if I have anything to say? should the judge know that my son is homeless? it will already look bad that he hasn't tried to find a job since he's been out of work for over a month now. what do I say?

 

[Childofmine]

Yes I do have a very similar situation with my son. And it has been going on for the past four years, intensely.

He is addicted to drugs and he has been in jail 8 or 9 times. If he gets arrested again, they have said that he will definitely serve all of his time, which is four years. He has two felonies and multiple misdemeanors.

Jail is the very best place for your son and my son. There, they are much safer than out on the street, living the lives they have chosen.

Worried, please quit trying to save your son. It's never going to work. I understand your need to be in court---I used to go too, early on. Not any more. So, go if you must, but I doubt seriously if the judge will hear from you or want to hear from you.

What would you say anyway?

The truth is your friend. The truth is your son's friend.

Don't try to obscure the truth.

I would start working TODAY on me, if I were you. Start stopping your enabling, your managing, your controlling and start detaching with love and start accepting your son right now for who he is showing you that he is.

It's about actions. He is a drug addict and a drug dealer. People like your son---and my son---need to be in jail so society is protected from them. My son sold drugs too, and he was caught by an undercover police officer and received a grand jury indictment.

So don't think I don't get it. I do. It's awful, and you will have to cry and grieve and do the hard work if you want to change.

That is where your energy is best spent. Not on trying to save your son. He will have to save himself.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Nobody deserves this pain and this horror.

But it is what it is. He is facing the consequences of his own choices. Nobody else's but his.

Start accepting reality and start working on you. The more time and effort you put into YOU, the better your life will be, and more quickly.

 

[Stress Bunny]

Worried, I sense that you are getting stronger, though you are still indulging your worries about your son's situation, much more than your son seems concerned about it himself. What does that tell you about your son's ability to accept responsibility for his actions?

Reading the police report hurts you and does not help your son either. I'm sorry you are going through this. Please do not bail out your son physically, financially, or emotionally from these consequences. He is an adult addict, and HE needs to seek recovery when HE is ready. Of course, he is much more likely to seek treatment and work toward self sufficiency when HIS problems truly become HIS problems and not yours.

Who cares how it looks that he is homeless? Your son's homelessness is an effect of his addiction, as is his joblessness. Until he recovers from his drug addiction, he will continue to have all sorts of problems in his life. If you try to sugarcoat your son's situation, you are participating in keeping him where he is at. The truth is, your son will probably have a better chance at future success if he does go to jail where he will be safe and forced to live drug free. So don't try to reduce the consequences for him, directly or indirectly. Remember that you didn't cause this, and you cannot fix your son's drug addiction problem. Once you accept that you cannot fix this, you can let go of the control and focus on fixing you.

COM has been around the block, so listen to her wisdom. Focus your energies on what you can change, which is you. You can work on yourself so that regardless of what your son does or does not do in the future, you can live a joyful and peaceful life.

 

[toughlovin]

I have also been where you are... and am still there although now my son is in drug court. I still sometimes go.

So go to court if it makes you feel better to be there. Honestly having family in court can help their case. It does not look bad on you that he is homeless, it just means you are taking a stand. I have gone to court with my son and made it clear that he absolutely cannot come home, that is not an option.

I have had a judge see me in court and lecture my son on what he is doing to his mother. My son might not have liked that but I loved it!!!!

Your son is facing charges, and sometimes the court system is the best thing that can happen to them.... it is a total pain but the court has some clout and can give consequences and that sometimes makes a difference. So dont protect your son from court or jail. It may be what he needs.

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Woriedmom]

Thank you all for your.help.sorry I'm using this.tiny Cell phone again as.it.is.11:00 at night. I.gotta say toughlovin u put.a.smile.on my face when you said how you were lovin the.words of.the judge. I got.a.Text.from my son tonight and.I.gotta open a new thread for.it. thanks again.I don't.feel so alone anymore.

 

[DammitJanet]

It really wont matter to the judge if you are there or not. If your courts are like mine, there will be a whole lot of people in the courtroom and the judge wont even know you are there. He most certainly wont want to listen to anything you have to say. At this point in his going to court also its probably only going to be him asking for a court appointment attorney then they will set another court date so you will be wasting your time.

Im assuming you bailed him out if he is not in jail now or did they just write him tickets for everything telling him to appear?

Right now its very hard for you to stop thinking of him as a child. I still think of my boys as well...my boys. They will always be my kids. But it is so needed. The only way they can grow up is if we make them. They feel so much better about themselves if mommy isnt taking care of everything for them. Think about it, how can a man feel like a man if mommy keeps washing his clothes, fixing his meals, worrying about all his problems, fixing all his problems, doing all the things grown men do. Think about how much better he will feel about himself when he is able to do everything for himself....and when he can do something for you. It happens. It wont happen if you keep babying him. Do you think he would have ever learned to walk if you never put him down and carried him everywhere? Would he have ever learned to tie his shoes if all you bought were velcro and tied them for him? What if you never took those training wheels off?

You are those training wheels right now and you have to take them off. Sure he is going to fall and scrape his knees a few times but eventually he will learn.

 

[Woriedmom]

DJ they only sent him tickets and told him to appear, which he did once already on his own to have a public defender. I was actually planning to go with him that morning,even made arrangements for my older daughter to babysit Pippi. When my son popped in to pick up his court papers that morning , he ran out the door saying "it's okay mom...I can go alone". I was left standing outside like a dummy.

I must say though...he was taught how to tie his shoes by his mommy. : )

actually the night they arrested him in the second county they had called me and asked if I would pick him up. If I hadn't of made my husband pick him up he would've been in jail still awaiting his hearing.I guess that would be considered ( although not financially ) it was still a bailout. Yes, I am guilty. : (

 

[DammitJanet]

Dont feel bad. We have bailed my son out so many times. Wont again. Must admit that most of the time it was with his own money though. It was just our names on the line if he didnt go to court. That can be a worry with some. It now is a worry with mine which is why we will never sign another bond.

I am sick to death about worrying about someone else's legal issues. Well unless I am watching a TV show...lol