homeless daughter and son in jail

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jodiehooks, Nov 2, 2016.

  1. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Today I am grateful for the things in my life that have helped me including this forum. I am still struggling to deal with the mess of my children's lives or more to the point, the effect it has upon me since I can't change what they do. I am grateful that for now anyway my son is in better spirits and a better frame of mind. Without drugs he is a totally different person. And I remember how lovable he was before the drugs and now I see that again. How long will that last? Also, due to the mistrust of the past I am afraid of being used so that is another part of my recovery, knowing how to set boundaries. And my daughter is still in Missouri, working a dead end job that barely gets her by but which is better than when she was homeless. She has been distant and not wanting communications, which I guess is her choice. But it kind of hurts me to know she can just blow off her mother and move on, but ok.
     
  2. Snow White

    Snow White Temporarily in the Magic Kingdom

    Hey, jodiehooks! I, too, am so grateful for this community. I'm glad to hear that your son is doing well. It must lift your spirits.

    I know the feeling of not knowing how long the honeymoon will last for your son. I think we all live like that - mostly day to day. Boundaries are good. We all need to be able to set them. Your memory of the past will help you to stay on the right path of not enabling. I will pray that he stays clean and in a better mindset.

    Good for your daughter to be working. She is getting up and going to work, whether it's a dead end job or not - at least it's something positive. It takes energy and motivation to do that. Baby steps, I suppose.

    I understand your hurt from your daughter's non-communication. Mine wants to kill me right now. They know the right things to do that break our hearts.

    Stay strong. Hugs and happy thoughts coming your way.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi Jodie...you sound good! Better than when you first arrived here. I'm so glad you are relying on the forum for support.

    Oh yes. Isn't that what happens? They start doing better...and then we start to worry about how long it will last!!!! What??? Is that just the irony of it all.

    I found one thing that helped me was trying hard to learn how to live One Day at a Time...what that actually means...and then Living in This One Moment. Right now. It's really hard to do because you have to be super aware of everything all the time. It's a heightened sense of life. But it's truly the very best part of life.

    We can only affect this...one...single...moment. Right now. The past is done, and the future hasn't happened. There is a great chance that the future will be better than then past, too!

    So...can we all (me and you) try hard to focus on the Here and Now.

    P.S. I love my grown sons, and with Difficult Child I have come to enjoy the brief and long conversations that have nothing to do with me giving him...anything. Nothing. that is when I knew things were really starting to change.

    Relax into right now Jodie and relish it. Warm hugs.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  4. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Childofmine: Thanks, good to see you here again. Yes I am better than when I first came for sure. And I am working on one day at a time. I seem to be able to do so, then something happens or a thought occurs to me and once again I am off worrying about the what ifs. What if he ends up again on drugs, what if he doesnt and still has homeless problems, or cant find work and is trying really hard. I guess that the answer to that is to let go and let that be his to deal with, but Oh my the mothering instinct dies hard. Not that it all has to die, but with people like me who have overmothered and overworried and been over stressed with life/death behaviour of difficult children, it is almost like someone in overeaters anon, you gotta eat, so that in iteslf invites the problem. Ya know what I mean? But I am cautious with him even though now he is better, getting out and walking when he can and wanting to do better, but it can change and I have to be aware of that so that I am not blindsided by this. I like what you say about enjoying the talks, we are having some also, even though it is through the jail email. I guess it's like I told he recently, he is like a familiar stranger due to the 20 year long addiction and his absence from any family involvment except for his life/death problems that come up. so, I will try harder as you say for living in the here and now!!!
     
  5. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Hi Worried: I am reminded of an incident with my daughter last summer. She is 46 and has been very difficult, having ended up homeless this summer. She has attempted suicide twice, and has just plain lived a life of irresponsibility. Well, your post reminded me of this: After watching her and her loser boyfriend (who looks like and acts like lurch on the Adams family only possibly dangerous) I confronted her about what looked like drug use (I suspect Meth). She became enraged, cut off all contact with both me and my sister who was with me at the time, accused us of trying to stage an intervention, and refused to discuss it. In her accusations she said that we were unfair, that she does not use and we were treating her terrible. Now what she does not know is that her brother, who is currently in jail for Meth, has told me of the fact that she has used Meth and has a real problem. She blames her constant sores on her diabetes, but he says its the Meth, she picks herself until she bleeds after using. I don't tell her this, but I do tell her that people will only be able to come to conclusions by what they see and what I see is sores all over her, sleeping all the time, irrational behavior and other symptoms of drug use. My son told me that he asked her one time why she lies to us about this, he says to her that don't you think they know your lying? She said to him that as long as she never admits it, as far was anyone goes it does not exist. And so I have taken the stand that it is her life and she will have to fend for herself. This is hard stuff, and it has caused me lots of pain and still does. She is doing better, at least on paper. After being kicked out of her daughters house in July here in Indiana, she ended up in Missouri, with her other daughter who put a time limit on her being there. She got a job, and with some family help now has an apartment. But she remains detached, no calls, no gratitude, no family connection. If I call her she answers or not, depending upon her mood. Many times she does not answer. She has not asked for help since the apartment and job. If I ask her how she is she just says ok, just working and sleeping. So there is still no relationship except for a few calls. I have let her know that if she is unable to make this work there, that she will have to enter a homeless shelter and get the type of help they can offer, since I am not able to help with housing, employment, and other life needs like the shelters can. She says that she will kill herself first. So it goes on and on. Take heart, this forum will help keep YOU sane, and that is why I keep coming here. I cant keep my children sane only myself and that is with help. Nice to see you on here.
     
  6. Tired of this crap

    Tired of this crap New Member

    My son is now in his 20th rehab for heroin addiction and told me that he doesn't want me to visit or call. I'm not sure if he has it in his head that I somehow hinder his recovery or if he is b.s.ing them and doesn't want me to call him on it, but I'm ok with being shut out if it helps him to get in the right direction. It does hurt, but a lot less than him not getting it together.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    As all say on here, THEY have to want it. Mommy can't fix this. If we could we would not be here.

    I'd take that as a WONDERFUL sign that you should detach with love and focus on YOU. If he's bullsh**ing them, then nothing you can do will change that.

    I don't know how old your son is or other details - you may want to add this to your signature so that we have an idea of what you're dealing with.

    I've been doing this for over five years too. This forum has helped me tremendously. Knowing you're not alone means the world to parents like us.

    :notalone:
     
  8. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER


    Wow, 20th rehab, I see why you are tired of this crap!! I have only begun to get tired enough of this crap to be sick enough to let it go!!