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Homeless daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 679777" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Susan, and welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry about your daughter. It is so hard to sit and watch our adult children make these kinds of decisions, and nothing we say or do matters. </p><p></p><p>As we all know, it's not sustainable in the world to sit all day at a McDonald's and be on your computer. However, for many, it will work for a while. </p><p></p><p>My son was homeless a number of different times---days, weeks months---in between jail terms, over the last 7 years. He has been doing much better for the past 20 months and now works full time and has a place of his own to live in.</p><p></p><p>I had no idea, during the worst times, if it would ever be any different, and I finally had to learn how to let him go, as New Leaf describes. I was going crazy with it all.</p><p></p><p>And because I can't truly know what my son's thought processes were (and are), all I can say is this---it seems like he was "scared straight" finally. The last time he was in jail, the public defender told him to get ready, that the next morning in court the judge would likely sentence him to four years in state prison for probation violation (of course, there was a long history of charges by that time). My son later told me he lay awake all night long and was terrified he was going to prison. The next morning the judge let him walk out of there. My son has been doing steadily better ever since. It's not all pretty and perfect, but there is steady progress. I am very grateful.</p><p></p><p>We can't know their journey. And it's not journey to walk or to even know. I finally understood that, after years and years. My journey is mine, and his is his. He has to walk it. When they are spiraling down and out of control, we are but one thin spoke on their wheel. There are many spokes, and they will tap each one to get what they want. </p><p></p><p>I think it's good that there are homeless shelters and help for people who live on the street. But sometimes, I feel perhaps there is too much help, and that enables people to stay homeless for longer. But it is what it is, and that's another of my key beliefs. We can't control all of this. All we can control is us, and that's a full time job.</p><p></p><p>It doesn't stop the hurt and the grief, and we have to feel those feelings fully, and then live to get to the other side of them. I grieved for a long time, and I lived in a lot of fear for my son. In time, though, long before he started to change, I got to the other side of that deep grief, and I started learning to live again.</p><p></p><p>That took a lot of work. Another resource, in addition to New Leaf's great suggestions, is Al-Anon. I still go to weekly meetings because Al-Anon gave me my life back, and it is a much richer life than it ever was even before all of this happened. It's a great way to live for anybody. </p><p></p><p>Also, some good books are CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I also read Brene Brown and Pema Chodron. All of these books and programs have helped me profoundly learn what is mine and what is someone else's, even my grown child. </p><p></p><p>This is the hardest stuff in the world to navigate, Susan. We understand that here. You will find lots of support and encouragement and ideas here that may or may not be relevant. </p><p></p><p>You can always come here and tell the truth about what you are thinking and doing. We understand here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 679777, member: 17542"] Hi Susan, and welcome to the forum. We're glad you're here. I am so sorry about your daughter. It is so hard to sit and watch our adult children make these kinds of decisions, and nothing we say or do matters. As we all know, it's not sustainable in the world to sit all day at a McDonald's and be on your computer. However, for many, it will work for a while. My son was homeless a number of different times---days, weeks months---in between jail terms, over the last 7 years. He has been doing much better for the past 20 months and now works full time and has a place of his own to live in. I had no idea, during the worst times, if it would ever be any different, and I finally had to learn how to let him go, as New Leaf describes. I was going crazy with it all. And because I can't truly know what my son's thought processes were (and are), all I can say is this---it seems like he was "scared straight" finally. The last time he was in jail, the public defender told him to get ready, that the next morning in court the judge would likely sentence him to four years in state prison for probation violation (of course, there was a long history of charges by that time). My son later told me he lay awake all night long and was terrified he was going to prison. The next morning the judge let him walk out of there. My son has been doing steadily better ever since. It's not all pretty and perfect, but there is steady progress. I am very grateful. We can't know their journey. And it's not journey to walk or to even know. I finally understood that, after years and years. My journey is mine, and his is his. He has to walk it. When they are spiraling down and out of control, we are but one thin spoke on their wheel. There are many spokes, and they will tap each one to get what they want. I think it's good that there are homeless shelters and help for people who live on the street. But sometimes, I feel perhaps there is too much help, and that enables people to stay homeless for longer. But it is what it is, and that's another of my key beliefs. We can't control all of this. All we can control is us, and that's a full time job. It doesn't stop the hurt and the grief, and we have to feel those feelings fully, and then live to get to the other side of them. I grieved for a long time, and I lived in a lot of fear for my son. In time, though, long before he started to change, I got to the other side of that deep grief, and I started learning to live again. That took a lot of work. Another resource, in addition to New Leaf's great suggestions, is Al-Anon. I still go to weekly meetings because Al-Anon gave me my life back, and it is a much richer life than it ever was even before all of this happened. It's a great way to live for anybody. Also, some good books are CoDependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I also read Brene Brown and Pema Chodron. All of these books and programs have helped me profoundly learn what is mine and what is someone else's, even my grown child. This is the hardest stuff in the world to navigate, Susan. We understand that here. You will find lots of support and encouragement and ideas here that may or may not be relevant. You can always come here and tell the truth about what you are thinking and doing. We understand here. [/QUOTE]
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