Honesty and common decency

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jt&at, Dec 28, 2007.

  1. jt&at

    jt&at New Member

    This is the third Christmas we have gone without seeing or speaking with our difficult child, her choice. She decided three years ago (right after we provided her the huge wedding she demanded) that she had been abused as a child?? We have no idea how she came up with that, no one in our whole family knows how she came up with that. The honest fact is we spent almost every waking hour and every dollar trying to get her raised, through school and to provide her with every form of therapy known for ODD, depression and suicide attempts.

    I could go on and on here but I am sure most of you have been through this before yourself. What really upsets me is the fact that my wife’s father passed away a few months ago and our difficult child never acknowledged it with a card, call or any type of communication. This behavior is from an educated, grown woman that has had every advantage in life due to the sacrifice of others.

    I don't want to bore you all with all of the details but I am praying every day for a little honesty and common decency from these difficult child's. The best wishes to you all for the New Year.
  2. jmama45

    jmama45 New Member

    I am sorry you are going through that. I know you must feel so hurt. My difficult child distanced himself from me from 17-22 as well, so I wouldn't find out about his drug use. It hurt more because I had no idea he was doing them and didnt get the disconnect. He didnt call on bdays, he even knew I was being rushed to the hopital for emergency surgery, and never came, called at all. I called him a week after I was home... it was an aweful feeling to have a child do that.

    It hurts, and I do not know if it is ever something we get over. I guess we can love the ones we have in our lives and be thankful for them. Easier said than done.
  3. jt&at

    jt&at New Member

    jmama45, thanks for the reply. I know on one level that I should just ignor the behavior and go on, but like you said it is easier said than done. I also feel it is time my wife and I deal more honestly and directly with all of the people that my difficult child daughter has disrespected and hurt over the years.

    I am sorry you are having to deal with your sons dishonesty and lack of respect for his Mother, the one person that loves him the most. It is a sad thing. I hope he gives up the drugs and turns himself around before it is to late. best Regards,
  4. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    What I have discovered is that many difficult child's think that the world revolves around them. They are a narcissistic lot.

    I'm sorry that your daughter is refusing involvement in your family. That has to be very hurtful. My guess is that somewhere in your daughter's life journey, she will wise up and realize what she is missing.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    jt & at,

    Welcome to the Board - Great place, WONDERFUL people, good food - and occasionally someone will just make you laugh.

    I have spent the last 11 years trying to help my son change his stars. I, like you and your wife have done everything I could think to help him, put tools in his path to facilitate change. But I spent the LAST year in therapy learning how to detach from him. He's 17.

    In my heart, he's a kid, a good hearted kid. He's bright, likes to make you laugh, cares for others. He loves his Mom, appreciates what his step-dad and myself have done for him, isn't bitter about his life or circumstances, and sees now that I have done without for a long time to put him where I thought he would get help and guidance.

    In reality - he's a self-centered, narcissistic, ME first person, who could give a hang about me if I'm injured, knows how to manipulate people like no ones business, a petty thief, sneak, and NOTHING is ever good enough. Hes' NOT going to respect me, he's NOT going to respect my home, my life, my animals, my possessions - he's going all out for #1. And maybe some day I'll get a scrap.

    So - with those realities in mind - I set about detaching from him. Detaching does NOT mean you stop loving and caring or praying for your kid. It just means you level the playing field a bit, stop enabling them, stop making excuses to the world for their behavior and choices, and go about making a life for you and your wife and the years you have left.

    YES it stinks, YES INDEEDY it hurts, NO the pain doesn't go away fully. But every day from the 1st day you reclaim your life and vow not to be a victim of an ADULT child's antics and behaviors - YOU come closer to peace.

    They have their own road to follow. They have their own mistakes to make, and if one of those mistakes is blowing you off after an expensive wedding - and you haven't after 3 years, a grandfather's death and the rest that you didn't post here? I encourage you and wife to find a therapist, and give it at least 5 months before you say "This isn't working" Tell the psychiatric specifically that YOU and wife need to learn HOW to detach from your difficult child.

    It will be the BEST money you have spent - you will find out things about each other, and ways that ease the pain for the transition that was a choice she made.

    We're also dealing with a similar situation with DF's grown 26 year old daughter. All I will say is "She IS her Mother's Daughter." (mom is schizophrenic) and she's raked my DF over the coals about a 3 year marriage that ended in divorce 23 years ago for the last Christmas, and the last grandchild too.

    I get where you are coming from - we just found out about 3 1/2 year old granddaughter.

    Come here often , but seriously get some professional help about detaching from these kids - every penny you spend on it will be worth it.

  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry your daughter is being such a brat. You've taught her common decency. What she chooses to do is on her.

    I do wonder if she's in therapy and somewhere along the line was convinced that she had been abused when younger. It isn't common, but it does happen. A therapist will see some set behavior and decide that abuse had to occur to cause the present results and then convince the client that the client had in fact been abused. The sad thing about it is that once set in motion, it is really difficult to change the abuse thoughts.
  7. jt&at

    jt&at New Member

    Thanks to all of you for the input and hearing us out. Nomatic, we will check out the book Boundaries you recommended. Star, thanks for the invite and yes it does hurt. Meowbunny, you are right, when this first started we went to a psychologist to get some help and he spoke with our daughters "therapist". Our daughter had convinced her "therapist" that she was a saint with no behavior problems (she was diagnosed with sever ODD at the age of 12 and hospitalized twice for behavior problems) and we are the ones with the problems. When my wife produced a whole pile of "apology letters" that our daughter had written us for different hurtful thing she has done to us he was amazed. He couldn't believe how effectively she had pulled the wool over her "therapist" eyes. She is very smart and manipulative.

    We had three sessions with that psychologist and he said we could not hope to have a positive relationship with our difficult child. of course when we had her in family therapy when she was a child we had therapist warn us then that we would probably never have a good relationship with her. We have a great relationship with our two easy child daughters and our three grandkids. I guess we naturally always hope to have our difficult child love and respect us, even if she doesn’t like us. I have about come to the decision that it might not happen. I know my wife and I need help to accept the fact that we will never be loved, accepted or respected by our difficult child. We will seek that help in 2008 and this board will be one of our tools. Thanks again to you all.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hiya jt/at

    The gals are right. Some of our difficult children would question Galileo to his face, and insist that they themselves are the center of the universe; the body around which the rest of the entire galaxy revolves. Some outgrow it, some do not. The book "Boundaries" is a great idea. Keep this in mind as well. Your daughter's lack of compassion and responsibility is not a reflection of you & your wife or the job you did raising her. it can be so embarrassing when our grown children do not have the decency to act appropriately, and it is all to easy to get caught up in feeling responsible for it. Don't.

    Hope to see more of youse in 2008.
  9. jt&at

    jt&at New Member

    Hi BBK

    Thanks for the input. You are right; all we have ever done for any of our kids is what we felt was best for them. My wife and I were discussing that this morning. Our difficult child has had anger toward us since she was a small child and we just cannot explain it. We raised three and two of them love and respect us while one of them has been angry toward us as long as we can recall. We used to think the anger was used to get her way, now I realize it is used with the intent to cause us pain. That is very hard to explain or accept.