Hope to give hope to other parents

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Giulia, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    As you can see in my sig line, I am a 26 yo person with a soup of diagnosis.
    Life has been quite difficult with stepmother considering that "Social services would have done better than her mom who wants to find a disability to dismiss herself from her female parent role" and such. Now, I don't talk to her any more, and she can't rely on me even if she were on her death bed, even if she would have no money to pay for medical care she would need in order to survive. She can die if she wants, she doesn't worth to spend my energy to save her.
    Same for my sister and what she had to endure with me.

    Now, at 26 years old with this soup of diagnosis, I am preparing myself to go back to university to study law.
    I am currently advocating to make a law change in my country (for obvious reasons of discretion, I don't want to give more details).
    I can consistently care for our 5 cats (mom cares for the 2 rabbits). I also can take some responsibilities like my laundry and the grocery shopping.
    Despite all the odds for mom and my sister, we could expect some positive.
    I still keep in an angle of my brain that my ADHD may worsen or that I may not be able to function outside a close facility. But at the moment, I don't want to give up a brighter future, a job I love, a life which meets my needs, where I can speak and learn foreign languages....

    It's often hard to find the right practitioners. I can say now that the best practitioner I could get is... my GP (General Practitioner). She prioritizes the issues, she doesn't fight about everything and nothing but she doesn't give up for the non negotiable.
    On the other hand, I have been unlucky +++++++ with psychiatrists. The last psychiatrist I had and the rare who can diagnose and care adults with ADHD (only 5 specialists in my country) treated me like a less than nothing, a waste, someone who pretends to suffer (my own perception).
    No diagnosis for many years, going from a psychiatrist to another, wrong medicines (antipsychotics with their bounch of side effects and no therapeutic effect for me), psychiatrists who think that the neurologist has to deal with my problem and the neurologist who thinks that the psychiatrist has to deal with it. Let see the fun of all this...

    Let cross our fingers for a brighter future despite the odds.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Bienvenue au conseil. I'm heureux vous nous avez trouvés. Cela ressemble à de vous ont dû être courageux pendant un temps très long pour non seulement vous-même, mais pour une soeur et une mère que vous dites te donne très peu l'appui. Vous avez trouvé un endroit mol pour débarquer ici. Nous sommes un bon groupe, de raisonnable, s'inquiétant, les personnes drôles. Cinq chats ? Vraiment ! Wouah. J'ai un chat qui doesn' ; t ont un os affectueux simple dans son corps. Peut-être si je te l'envoyais à travers l'étang pourriez-vous docile elle ?

    Quoi qu'il arrive we' ; heureux re de vous avoir. Bienvenue !

    Étreintes - Étoile
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    This is a support group for parents of difficult children...

    Not knowing the details - I find this kind of statement hurtful. Can you clarify what you are trying to say?
  4. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Sorry for the rushing answer. No electricity at home, so I rely on 3G. I'll provide a longer post ASAP.

    DaisyFace, the sentence between quotation marks is what my stepmother, so my dad's wife, dared to state about my mom for many years (and too many time to count). She thought that being a psychologist makes her entitle to say something like that, or to say that social services would have done better than my mom etc etc... She couldn't conceive, so she was desperate to parent a child, so, in her head, as she is a psychologist, she can judge a parent incompetent and substitute him if it deals with family. She was more than wrong.
    I arrived somewhat at a moment that I couldn't accept her being as hurtful for my mom. Her being unable to conceive at these times is absolutely not an excuse for this awful sentence between quotation mark. It was hard. It was painful. But it was necessary.
    So I came to a point that dad's wife won't be able to rely on me, even if she were on her death bed or in desperate need for money to pay medical care she would need to survive. I came to the point that her emotional abuse has lasted too long to let her go right, like if nothing happened.
    So I came to a point that no matter what happens to her, even if she were on her death bed, it shall absolutely not be my problem at all.
    My sister is on the same page with me. We came to a point that it doesn't worth spending any kind of energy with stepmother. If it happens something to stepmother, it's her problem, not ours, she will have to deal with it by herself (That's why I said "same with my sister" : we both faced stepmother as manipulative, abuser, liar, and we have always been on the same page to deal with her).

    About my mom and sister, they were and are still my best support. I thank them dearly for that.
    Mom didn't deserve the blame and the hell that dad's wife said about her.
    I credit my sister for her love despite the hells, and my mom for never giving up despite she would wish.

    Hope it clarifies the misunderstanding I created : I spoke Greek instead of English (because I speak Modern Greek as foreign language).
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wish you well on your endeavors. It sounds like you have been through some tough experiences in your life as have many of us. Hopefully you can overcome them and become successful. Good luck.
  6. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Janet, do you think that my experience can be helpful for you all ? (even if I didn't take exactly the same actions as you took)
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Giulia, I appreciate your willingness to offer your experience to us. It is a pleasure to hear you speak of your mother with so much appreciation. Many of us here on this board, never feel any acknowledgment or appreciation from our children, so this is a wonderful post for me to read. I applaud you for being able to communicate your experience so clearly, for wanting to support us and for dealing with your issues as well as you have. I can understand your feelings about your Dad's wife. And, I'm sorry you are often in the position of having to be the parent to your father because of his drinking. You have had much to deal with in your young life and I am sorry for that. However, sometimes our greatest challenges are what offer us our most profound gifts. You sound as if your have learned compassion and gratitude, which will likely serve you well in life. I send you hugs, good wishes and hope that all your dreams come true.
  8. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    recoveringenabler, to tell you the whole truth, I can say it has been difficult to express gratitude towards mom.
    What I can advise to a parent with a difficult child is not trying to address all the issues at the same time, or you'll blow it even when you have the best intentions of the world. It's unrealistic and drowning, for everyone. You exhaust yourself, and to get what at the end ? Nothing apart more problems.
    What I can also say is (as on a child's side) that instead of relieving the pain, it adds more anger and pain. It's like you ask way too much too soon when you try to solve everything at the same time : it's a surhuman task that no one would be able to handle on the long term.
    In order not to try to fix everything at the same time, picking up the battles is a life saver.

    Parenting my father for his drunk driving is, strangely and as odd as it seems, the solution I found to detach myself.
    I focus only on what is a danger for self and/or for others, and I stick to it. I say what I mean and I mean what I say on this point. Mom sometimes calls me the nasty and blames me for parenting him ? It's the least of my worries, because safety is the most basic request we can ask for a father towards a child.
    For the rest, I know that if I get it, it's a bonus. But I don't rely too much on it because it triggers fights which are exhausting, drowning and I leave my health + my sanity in the process. A month and a half in bed for a pericarditis (or it was a heart failure at the end, said the cardiologist. No fun) + a strep throat (together, yes) for a fight because "he puts a Bob the Sponge t-shrit and Mickey Mouse socks for a professional appointment" + "he eats half a lemon with salt on it and pasta + cocacola for breakfast" is only wasting time, energy and saliva (in France, we say "we're wasting saliva" when we preach in the desert) for no results, and for something which, at the end, is not harmful.

    As strange as it seems, it's while observing my GP (General Practitioner) when she has to deal with challenging patients (because she surely has to deal with challenging patients : not all patients are easy going and cooperative, pleasant to speak with and such) that I learnt most how to manage my challenging father.
    Never a complaint against a patient, not even a broken glass, no fights between her patients, never received any insult. She is a magic GP ? Maybe.... ;)