Horrible and scary weekend

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jan 25, 2010.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I am on my way out right now. So must be quick. I am terrified. difficult child lost it, blew up, totally out of control, worse than I ever saw. We had attempted to go to dinner with easy child, his birthday is tomorrow and we were having his birthday dinner. All was fine until we got there. We took two cars because husband and I were going to go shopping after. All was fine until I tried to flick a peice of frosting/icing from his hair. I got out of the car and went in the restaurant. easy child and husband arrived. easy child never got out of his car, husband ofcourse went to my car to talk to difficult child. MISTAKE. easy child eventually drove away because difficult child was running around the parking lot screaming. we decided to go home. difficult child started smashing his head on the car windows really hard screaming at the top of his lungs. He hates ME, he may have thrown in us at one point. Wanted out of the car. When husband tried to restrain him it got worse and he was all over. Took off his seat belt and was smashing his head to the point I thought he would break the windows.

    I told him I didn't know he would get angry by me doing that. But it didn't matter. husband then says "I knew I should not have left him ride with you" GRR. we were fine until I did that. The F word was flying out of his mouth and screaming at the top of his lungs. He wants to die, kill himself...over and over and over. Got home and he tried to run. husband just let him, but I went after him. Turned him around and led him into the house. He started grabbing things and throwing it. I left.

    When I returned I saw he had broken my coffee mug from Disney land. He was in his room crying, sobbing, crying very loudly. He asked me to come in. He told me he hates himself. And he does love us. And he doesn't know what is wrong he cannot help it. He says mean things to everyone. that he wanted to die. But he knows how much we love him. That is the only reason he is still there. I hugged him.

    I checked his head for lumps, and there were a few lumps. I wanted to take him in to be checked and he said no. He then fell asleep. He got up and I came out of my room and he was sleeping on the floor then. I asked husband if he was going to wake him up, he had a lot of homework. This set off another argument, where husband blamed me for everything, I blamed him for not stepping in with consequences for his mouth and actions. It breaks my heart that he ruined easy child's birthday dinner. And I won't be able to see easy child tomorrow on his birthday. easy child eventually came home and went down to his room. husband took off. difficult child was in his room crying very loudly. Sobbing and crying because we were arguing and he said it is all his fault.

    I left again. Couldn't take him yelling at me. Before i drove away, I saw easy child came upstairs to talk to him.

    I came home and husband was back, but same thing started all over. difficult child said he wanted to kill himself over and over. Then he went outside. He said he needed some air. About 20 minutes later I went out to get him and he wasn't there. WE paniced. ran to the garage, afraid he did something. He wasn't there. I was calling for him, no answer. I told husband I was calling the police.

    husband came in the house and said he is standing in the street. No jacket, and he HEARD me calling him. So I looked at husband and told him to go get him!!!! He just left him their.

    I called his Special Education teacher this morning because I am so afraid. He said he was going to kill himself so many times I am terrified. Special Education teacher said he knows he walked out of his first class. I also told him if difficult child knows I called it will make things SO much worse. he was going to go check on him and call me back. No phone call yet, and now I have to leave.

    The new psychiatrist said bipolar. But I never see any "highs". He is always sad. Always. Hates himself. But I never saw him cry like that ever. I have seen tears, but not the sobbing crying. Now I have to leave for work and I am terrified.

    husband and I are not speaking and difficult child knows that. husband walks around all moody and hanging his head, talking low and sad to difficult child. Set no boundries, no consequences...he talks to him like he is 1. "are you ok honey" in a real quiet whisper.

    What about the rest of the family that he is tearing apart. I am scared. Terrified more like it. Don't know where to turn.

    No mood stabalizer yet. psychiatrist started on intuniv. Wants to wait 3 weeks. I am truly afraid each day. It breaks my heart to see him struggle so much. And to hear him say he hates himself and he can't control himself and he knows he is mean to people and doesn't know what to do.

    well, no phone call back from school to let me know he is ok. I must leave now for work.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kjs....with all that happened yesterday and him hitting his head and screaming and throwing stuff, maybe you should call the psychiatrist and talk about having him put in the phospital for a bit. It doesnt sound like he is very safe right now.

    Wishing you the best.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    ((((hugs)))) I am so sorry you had such a scary time!

    That said--Why in heaven's name didn't you take him immediately to an ER or crisis center instead of home??? Surely they would have admitted him? And then maybe would have started a different medication instead of waiting...

    Hopefully you will have no more bad news today.

  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm so sorry, Kjs -- what a horrible night for everyone! Did you speak to the psychiatrist this weekend or this morning? He really should be alerted to what happened over the weekend and it may change his mind about waiting the three weeks with Intuniv. I hope you hear back from the school about difficult child's mental status today. And I hope difficult child doesn't try anything rash...

    Maybe you can call the school on your break today and ask that they phone you at work with any updates.

    At least at school there are eyes to watch him and hopefully keep him safe while he's there. If he continues on about the suicidal ideation they may end up calling for help.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kjs, what a horrible time for everyone.

    I think I would have taken him immediately to the emergency room. I would be as scared as you sound.

  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am so sorry! Poor kid!
    I know he does not want to go in for an exam - he is scared and doesn't want anyone knowing that he lost control. I would suggest that this is a time that you overrule his wishes and attend to his mental health ASAP. Call the psychiatrist and say that difficult child needs an appointment NOW! (I hope his next appointment isn't too far off)

    With the new psychiatrist, was there a medication change? Perhaps a new medication that is working against him, fueling this behavior? Or look at the current medications - even though medications work at first, their effectiveness can change over time.

    I know that getting authority involved is not a step you may want to do, however, when difficult child does behave like this, he is endangering himself and everyone in the house. Police can help get him to ER where an admission to a psychiatric hospital can be determined.

    It is so scary going through. Very hard to think let alone make decisions. I know you did the best you could last night. (((hugs)))
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry. I feel for you.
    Don't let your husband blame you. You are supposed to be a team, and blaming one another is fruitless and damaging.
    I agree, difficult child needs some medications, if he's not already on them. What about Clonidine, short term, until you get a good scrip?
    My son often sobs like that afterward. It's a huge letdown from the rage; and he's better afterward.
    I'm glad you hugged him afterward.
    I understand about the name calling and such. However, difficult child cannot stop it when he's in the middle of it. That's something that comes once he has calmed down. Last night, he didn't get a chance, because people kept coming and going, and you and husband were fighting.
    Today, you may have a calm child and a "teachable moment."
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kjs - Your son is SCREAMING for you to help him. For you to call 911 and have him admitted. At this point, I don't care what your husband wants, please go get your son RIGHT NOW and take him to the ER.
  9. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm so sorry you all had such a night. Hugs

    That doesn't necessarily mean anything. When we first got difficult child, his moods were mostly matter of fact ("normal" day to day type of thing) or raging similar to what you described your difficult child doing. Yes, there was excitement too in typical situations but usually it was either matter of fact or raging....not much at all in between.

    I'm in agreement with the others....he really needs to get an admission to the psychiatric hospital. He doesn't sound at all stable and I think your psychiatrist is on the right track.

    Hugs again and please keep us updated.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Kjs! I'm really sorry that this is going on. We're going through the exact same thing that you are with difficult child 1 (even with the kill everyone and himself). I took him to the er a week ago Saturday and they didn't admit him. It was him saying that he said it, but he would never do it.

    So they sent him home. He's tearing the family to shreds. I've been researching "mindblindness" to see if there's anything I can do to work with him. He takes everything that goes on within the family as a personal attack on him. It's driving me nuts.

    Has he been tested for Aspergers? I'm wondering if he's not processing things appropriately - just a thought.

    I'd take him to the er next. It seems like your only real option!

    Many hugs!

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi kjs,

    Huge Hugs to you and your family - all of you. What happened yesterday is something that I think all of us can appreciate having had happen to us at one time or another. Raising these kids certainly isn't easy. Sure would be nice if someone had an emergency hand book with index tabs - you could just grab it and run your thumb down the side......

    SCREAMING I WANT TO DIE.............CALL psychiatrist FOR medications TWEAK
    HUSBAND BLAMING.......................PUT BOOT HERE (illustration)

    I mean - (exhale) when your house is in crisis mode no one thinks "Ahhh visual clarity I know exactly what to do." At least not until it's happened like ohhhhhh I dunno about 100 times and then if you don't have a supportive spouse well - I think you get even more frustrated and like you posted - you left, he left, easy child left, you left, he left. The only constant here was difficult child going to pieces. (Odd isn't it?) The kid who is falling apart is the only constant thing. So that obviously has to change.

    Another thing I will agree with is chasing your son. Our psychiatrist told us to never do it. Call the police, let them bring him back home, report him as a runaway. It usually stops that behavior because it sends a message that if THIS happens (running away) - it is NOT Mom and Dad that come looking. It's the law. You waste the Laws time? There are serious consequences - not just loose a gameboy, or miss a dessert tonight at dinner. This is a help you CAN use. It actually stopped Dude from doing it. The first time? Oh did he sit in the buddies house watching us drive back and forth like idiots looking stopping to ask. WOrried out of our minds. The 2nd time? We just called the police and let him sit and look out the same window for us and then looked out the window to see the police, and when the police told the friends grandma - "Either send Dude out or you're all under arrest." Wow did they hand him over pronto. Then there was the scolding, the "If I have to come get you son - you will go to jail, waste valuable time" speech. It was great. Ride home in the cop car.

    And Keep in mind - Dude has also attempted suicide 3 times, and threatens to kill himself and thinks about it. How YOU handle the threats has a lot to do with how that behavior will or won't progress. His father also did and still does use that - because even at 55 years old it still gets him attention.
    (not saying that all threats are empty) but if THAT is the cry? Then it SHOULD get IMMEDIATE hospitalization and a 911 call EVERY SINGLE TIME. DANGER TO SELF.....NO QUESTION - CALL TO AMBULANCE and HOSPITAL...no jokes....no OH YOU DO NOT MEAN IT....NO TALKS.....Just calm, okay....and 911....."My son is threatening to kill himself." end of your conversation with him about it.

    I'm not going to beat you up over the events of the day - Goodness knows it sounds like you had enough already - BUT I am going to tell you as your friend that YOU and husband need a battle plan from this day on. You need to sit and talk and stop all this YOUR fault..NO YOUR fault and LEAVING.....You're the parents....what's your plan? Like NVTS said - there's a chance you could have gone to the ER and they would have released him to you....not so sure with a threat of suicide and head butts in public....but...SIT DOWN with husband...and get a plan together. AGREE on what if.....he......next time...and stick to it. BE PREPARED.

    Agree to fight fair also -----NO THIS IS YOUR faulting. PERIOD. Keep those thoughts to yourselves. NO LEAVING THE SCENE. You're in this TOGETHER showing your son you are BOTH THERE. If he threatens suicide?NO IF ANDS OR BUTTS - CALL 911 ----report it and you both stay there with him until the ambulance comes. You don't need to call in front of your son either. One of you can sit with him, one can walk off and call.

    IF HE RUNS AWAY? LET HIM. Keep mind of what he's wearing - what direction he went. What his friends are - where he may have gone. REPORT HIM AS A RUN AWAY.

    KEEP a list of all his current medications, doctors....handy in your purse.....on a card in husband's wallet. CURRENT photo ID......JUST IN CASE.

    THIS also lets police know this kid HAS ISSUES.....See? A PLAN.

    You both can do this. You NEED to do this for your son.

    He needs you to do this so that IF he should do this again?????? YOU ARE PREPARED and can show the proper authorities that he JUST NEEDS HELP...not that he's a troublemaking teen. A card in the wallet with his picture, doctor and medications -----does that.

    I'm so so sorry you had such an awful day. I think it would probably be worth a shot to just take you and easy child one day when you can and slip out and treat him to something special for the disruption and ask husband to do the same one day without difficult child knowing.

    Hope all is better today.
    Hugs & Love;)
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending gentle hugs, kjs.

    I know it's difficult to hear, but I agree with everyone that your son is in crisis and needs immediate intervention at a phospital/ER. I'm so sorry that things escalated the way they did and easy child's birthday was ruined and H blamed you - none of that is fair to anyone. I hope you're able to let some of what H says roll off, as you know this is no one's 'fault'. Hopefully you will get to the point of overriding H's decisions and responding in the best interests of your son ASAP. HUgs~
  13. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    I agree with everyone else -- this is an emergency situation. Your son needs help NOW.

    If you choose not to admit him to a psychiatric hospital today, at the very least you need to call the psychiatrist and tell him what happened so you can get your difficult child in for an emergency appointment. He needs medication changes ASAP.

    The medications he's on could very well be making him WORSE. If the psychiatrist is thinking bipolar disorder and your difficult child is taking an SSRI (Zoloft) or a stimulant (Vyvanse) or even Intuniv, they could be revving him up instead of calming him down.
    This is not a time to worry about consequences or homework or even what your husband is thinking. This is a time to get your difficult child the help he needs.

    Hang in there and hugs.
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It sounds like an awful weekend. I am sorry, esp that you did not get to celebrate easy child's birthday. Our pcs get the short end of the stick an awful lot because the difficult children are so needy.

    I agree that anytime your son is needing to be restrained in a car you need to get to the nearest ER immediately. If you think he cannot be transported there safely then call 911. He could have killed you and husband as well as himself if he had gotten away from husband's restraint.

    I know that talking with your husband about this is not going to be much help. the entire family has gotten too far into the "it is all mom's fault and we are going to make sure she thinks it too" fantasyland. I do not know if you can ever move them past that. Esp not enough to get them to agree to fight fair or do any of the things Star suggested.

    You have a very ill son. If this were a physical illness you would not hesitate to get him to the hospital because his temp would be 105, he would be vomiting non-stop and running out the other leg. He would be screaming and crying because it all hurt so bad.

    But your son is mentally ill, not physically ill. So he is running around screaming at the slightest thing, bashing his head into things and vomiting foul words out of his mouth. His behavior is a clear, LOUD scream of pain and the need for help.

    You must decide what is more important. Having difficult child get the help he needs (I would call psychiatrist and tell him he needs to find a bed for difficult child somewhere because it is not safe to have him at home.) or letting both husband and difficult child demand that he not get help so that he is even more dangerous and has LOTS more opportunities to commit suicide. He is headed there.

    I cannot think of any of our kids who have made a clearer plea for help.

    by the way, MANY people with bipolar get stuck in a mixed state. It is something that isnt mania or depression but something much more prone to rages and intense anger. You could find more by googling "mixed state in bipolar patient".
  15. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Ditto SW. My first thougths were the medications. If he's got a mood disorder, ADHD isn't the thing you want to worry about first. My wee was a disaster on ADHD medications, mean as snakes, and generally from the first day or two of trying them.

    Many hugs. I wish I could tell your husband to get on the boat, or get the h e double hockey sticks off...if you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem...but, I can't.

    Please do at the very least call your difficult child's docs. Suggest the medications may not be right. Don't throw a diagnosis out, but let the doctor know you know a tad bit about the options you have and other medications available, that you're not just a joe schmo who takes everything a doctor says as gospel.

    And I'd try to get him in to a therapist asap, at the very least to work thru him being "at fault" for husband's issues. He doesn't need that load on top of his others.

    Many, many, many hugs.

    (Ps, wee's rages were much like that...and it is very, very, VERY scary, especially getting out of the car while its barreling down the road. My heart goes out to you.)
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Kjs, you're always looking to other people to guide what you do. I don't mean us, I mean husband, difficult child, easy child. It's time you grabbed back the confidence in yourself that has been so badly undermined, and take it back.

    You argue with husband because he is sapping your confidence and you want to take it back. But that's not how it works. YOu take back your confidence by simply not buying into the hurtful things husband says. Just refuse to own it. And you don't refuse, by shouting, I" REFUSE!" You refuse, by ignoring it. The most you can do is say, out of earshot of the kids, "When you talk to me like that in front of the kids it damages them. Do not do it."

    difficult child has problems. Of course. Bipolar? I don't know, you know I have my own views but I'm not there. You are.

    But difficult child's problems are being greatly escalated by husband's inability to parent with you as a team. His inability to support you (which is a long-term thing, I've been following your posts since you joined because I feel an affinity for you and your son).

    YOu can't help difficult child while your relationship with husband is on the terms that it is. You have to fix both, or at least make it clear that whatever is going on with husband is not able to upset the applecart with difficult child.

    Kids hear parents fighting, they blame themselves. I know if difficult child 3 were in a warring household as you describe, we would see the same sort of behaviour from him. Never underestimate the extreme damage this sort of conflict can do, to a kid like tis. They are far more fragile and far more inclined to take personal responsibility for parental conflict, than other kids. And crikey, that is really saying something.

    My eldest nephew, a easy child, took personal responsibility when his parents' marriage broke up. They had been fighting since they married, there is no way it was his fault. I told him, if it hadn't been for him and his siblings, there would have been a lot more conflict. Sometimes marriages just end and it is nobody's fault. It is never the child's fault.

    He is now a difficult child - the accumulated life stresses and need to always take personal responsibility finally took its toll in a profession which should have given him psychological support but failed to. In him now, I see the seeds sown by a father who was a control freak, passive aggressive in a marriage that desperately needed intervention but didn't get it. Both my sister and her ex have to take responsibility for that - one or other should have accepted counselling and been prepared to follow through on decisions made. My nephew is now a recluse and agoraphobic, never able to work again. I'm not saying that your son is headed the same way - of course not. I'm only showing the extent to which a easy child can come unstuck because of the personal responsibility they can feel, in keeping their parents together. Multiply that a hundred-fold for a difficult child and you can perhaps understand why your difficult child is such a mess right now.

    He needs intervention, and no parent is enough in this situation.

    Someone has to be the hero here. Don't ask your son if he will go to the hospital with you - just go. if he throws that size tanty in the ER, then GREAT! But you have to be the hero. It's for sure your husband doesn't know how to. It's easier to point the finger. But point scoring is not helping your son. it's achieving exactly zero. Less than zero, because all previous progress gets badly undermined.

  17. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    K, the highs are not always happy ones. Irritability can be a symptom of hypomania (a lower form of mania) as can raging. They can both go with depression too. With my husband and difficult child they both get very irritable, irrational and husband when manic gets confused and disoriented. Very much so, and very scarey.

    I am with Marg. If you disagree with your husband, then quit asking his opinion and do what YOU think you need to do. Your son needs help. Badly. husband asking him if he is ok will do nothing. Call the psychiatrist, let them know and then you can even let them decide what needs done.
  18. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others that he is in need of hospitalization. The three times my difficult child has been violent in a car are the three times that have led to hospitalization. It sounds like a very scary weekend. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can't keep track of everything wrong with all the kids, but is your son by any chance a drug abuser? I ask because my daughter would act that crazy when highi. We thought she had bipolar, but she was either going up or coming down. Once she put her hand through a window and cut her wrist.

    I would have taken him to ER and been sure that they checked for drugs before doing anything further.

    (((Hugs))) I hope things get better for all of you. husband was wrong. Don't let anyone blame you.
  20. BeyondWeary

    BeyondWeary New Member

    Boy oh boy, does this sound familiar. Except for your difficult child wanting to kill himself. When a child says that over and over - get professional help fast! THAT is an emergency and needs to be dealt with like an emergency. Should have called police and requested police with special mental health training - Or should have driven him to the nearest psyc hospital.

    Do you have a list of psyc hospitals with phone numbers? I do. I have an insurance case manager that I call directly. Be aware that if the psyc hospital is full, that it may be a fruitless visit. That is why I call first.

    I am so sorry your husband is not on the same page as you - that makes it doubly hard. He scored a "0" on that test.