I am on my way out right now. So must be quick. I am terrified. difficult child lost it, blew up, totally out of control, worse than I ever saw. We had attempted to go to dinner with easy child, his birthday is tomorrow and we were having his birthday dinner. All was fine until we got there. We took two cars because husband and I were going to go shopping after. All was fine until I tried to flick a peice of frosting/icing from his hair. I got out of the car and went in the restaurant. easy child and husband arrived. easy child never got out of his car, husband ofcourse went to my car to talk to difficult child. MISTAKE. easy child eventually drove away because difficult child was running around the parking lot screaming. we decided to go home. difficult child started smashing his head on the car windows really hard screaming at the top of his lungs. He hates ME, he may have thrown in us at one point. Wanted out of the car. When husband tried to restrain him it got worse and he was all over. Took off his seat belt and was smashing his head to the point I thought he would break the windows. I told him I didn't know he would get angry by me doing that. But it didn't matter. husband then says "I knew I should not have left him ride with you" GRR. we were fine until I did that. The F word was flying out of his mouth and screaming at the top of his lungs. He wants to die, kill himself...over and over and over. Got home and he tried to run. husband just let him, but I went after him. Turned him around and led him into the house. He started grabbing things and throwing it. I left. When I returned I saw he had broken my coffee mug from Disney land. He was in his room crying, sobbing, crying very loudly. He asked me to come in. He told me he hates himself. And he does love us. And he doesn't know what is wrong he cannot help it. He says mean things to everyone. that he wanted to die. But he knows how much we love him. That is the only reason he is still there. I hugged him. I checked his head for lumps, and there were a few lumps. I wanted to take him in to be checked and he said no. He then fell asleep. He got up and I came out of my room and he was sleeping on the floor then. I asked husband if he was going to wake him up, he had a lot of homework. This set off another argument, where husband blamed me for everything, I blamed him for not stepping in with consequences for his mouth and actions. It breaks my heart that he ruined easy child's birthday dinner. And I won't be able to see easy child tomorrow on his birthday. easy child eventually came home and went down to his room. husband took off. difficult child was in his room crying very loudly. Sobbing and crying because we were arguing and he said it is all his fault. I left again. Couldn't take him yelling at me. Before i drove away, I saw easy child came upstairs to talk to him. I came home and husband was back, but same thing started all over. difficult child said he wanted to kill himself over and over. Then he went outside. He said he needed some air. About 20 minutes later I went out to get him and he wasn't there. WE paniced. ran to the garage, afraid he did something. He wasn't there. I was calling for him, no answer. I told husband I was calling the police. husband came in the house and said he is standing in the street. No jacket, and he HEARD me calling him. So I looked at husband and told him to go get him!!!! He just left him their. I called his Special Education teacher this morning because I am so afraid. He said he was going to kill himself so many times I am terrified. Special Education teacher said he knows he walked out of his first class. I also told him if difficult child knows I called it will make things SO much worse. he was going to go check on him and call me back. No phone call yet, and now I have to leave. The new psychiatrist said bipolar. But I never see any "highs". He is always sad. Always. Hates himself. But I never saw him cry like that ever. I have seen tears, but not the sobbing crying. Now I have to leave for work and I am terrified. husband and I are not speaking and difficult child knows that. husband walks around all moody and hanging his head, talking low and sad to difficult child. Set no boundries, no consequences...he talks to him like he is 1. "are you ok honey" in a real quiet whisper. What about the rest of the family that he is tearing apart. I am scared. Terrified more like it. Don't know where to turn. No mood stabalizer yet. psychiatrist started on intuniv. Wants to wait 3 weeks. I am truly afraid each day. It breaks my heart to see him struggle so much. And to hear him say he hates himself and he can't control himself and he knows he is mean to people and doesn't know what to do. well, no phone call back from school to let me know he is ok. I must leave now for work.