Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Aug 13, 2010.
If cgfg gets pregnant, what happens to husband regarding support?
How old are we talking about?
Cgfg is 13 right now.
Why are we asking about this...?
OMG... If this is even possibly an issue, take her to a gynecologist RIGHT NOW and get her on the pill. Tell her it's for her acne.
Again, my hands are tied. If I take her anywhere, her mother will go completely off the deep end. Remember, this is the woman who bashed me for hours because I tested the girls reading level.
We have a 13 year old girl with very substantial lying issues; she's been caught surfing porn repeatedly over the past 3 years; I've read her journal entries and she "just wants to be loved" by any and every boy in school; she has no self esteem and will flirt with anything with 2 legs; she has very few friends; she dresses as skimpy as possible and wears makeup that looks like it was put on by a Sharpie; she is left unattended every Tuesday from about 6am to 6-10pm at her mom's house; and...
We have significan reason to believe she's taking condoms from our house.
When my big boys were older teens and young adults, we kept condoms in the medicine chest, and they and their friends swiped them. That was the point. Well, we told them that's why they were there. Not to get into the permission argument, cause that wasn't the intent, it was just be safe if you're gonna.... There were probably still 30 in there this spring. They have disappeared over the course of the summer 1 or 2 at a time. They are all gone now. Aside from the fact that difficult child 1 is married and 1500 miles away, and easy child 1 is engaged and his girlfriend is on the pill....Cgfg is the only constant when they disappear.
Its not confirmation that she's having sex. But it is saying she's thinking about it (her journal says that, too). And she could be.
But I don't feel like there's anything I can do. If husband is responsible if she gets pregnant, then obviously I will stick my neck out a little more than I am willing to otherwise. If he's not accountable, I honestly think I will send an email to school counselor, tell her what I know, and walk away. Sorry. I know how wrong that is. But my hands are tied with this kid.
I think it depends on the law in your state. In some states, a minor becomes emancipated when she becomes a mother. In Ohio, that is not the case. In Ohio, the adult parent is responsible for their child and grandchild until their child turns 18.
However, I *think* in Georgia a minor is emancipated when she becomes a parent.
I know you're not in Georgia - just comparing the two to show the difference.
Yes, Heather is right...
The emancipation laws vary from state to state. In some instances, the teen becomes a legal adult with regard to the baby....but not in regards to anything else. So you really need to look up your state's particulars...
So sorry you are dealing with this.
on the other hand--the fact that she seems to be using condoms is a sign that she is not trying to get pregnant (yes, I know it can happen anyway) - but at least she seems to be aware of the possible consequences of sex.
It varies quite a lot depending on what state you are in. Call a family law attorney or Dept of Human Services and ask them.
It is a good sign that she is taking condoms, at least she may be trying to be responsible. The scary thing is that she may decide she wants a baby. Given the way her mother behaves, and the way mom and gma do almost nothing to discipline her, she may decide she wants a baby because she wants someone to "love" her - it is pretty common.
Make a call to the school counselor regardless of husband's involvement. Cgfg needs an adult not mired in the drama between husband and her mom to try to help with this.
In the meantime, keep that medicine chest stocked with condoms. Otherwise you will be guaranteed to have a very immature teen mom.
I wonder if gma and mom will kick her out if she gets pregnant, or if they will try to make her give the baby to her mom so the child will be raised like her sister?
Have you spoken to husband about this? What was his reaction?
Whatever happens, I am sorry you have to deal with this. No 13yo should be sexually active, but sadly there are too many who are.
I am going to email the school counselor so we have a paper trail. I will reference the time that mom absolultely exploded when I took cgfg to sylvan and just did the prelim testing, and i will reference the times that I pointed out her missing work, and also got absolutley bashed for that, and tell the counselor that i think this is important, but i obviously can't take it to mom, but i think someone needs to know.
Will put in a call to a lawyer. If husband can be held financially responsible, we may try to get her on the shot or mayb try to talk to grandma. I don't know. If not, I won't do any more than send the email and stock the cabinet. There is not a dang thing I can do in the position I'm in with her except pray.
Just guessing here...but I would think that the parent with legal custody would be the one responsible for the actions of the minor child. Unless becoming a mother emancipates cgfg, husband would likely still have to pay child support as long as cgfg was living with her mother.
Could stocking the cabinet be seen as condoning the behavior? I would hate to have your good intentions thrown in your face and used against you.
You have to be careful if husband is carrying her insurance. Most people don't know that a minor child is not included on "maternity" insurance. Thankfully, this hasn't happened to us, but I have a few friends that it had happened to. And, then, of course, the parents are responsible for the whole inflated bill.
I'm sure husband would still have to pay support, I'm just wondering if it would increase drastically. And you can bet your bottom dollar she will NOT be unattended around here. PERIOD.
husband does not carry her insurance. He pays higher support than he should have to, but he also has a clause that excludes him from any medical expenses except things he and mom agree on. And since she wont' talk to him, well...that takes care of that.
We'll just have to make dang sure nothing happens on our watch. And I'm gonna notify the school and hope that shows that we knew and our hands were tied.
I would throw caution to the wind and point blank tell mom what was going on and that if she doesn't take her to the doctor for BC, you'll call CPS and have her removed from the home or at least from her legal custody so that you can be certain that it is taken care of. I'd totally let her call my bluff. We do not need even one more 14 year old single mom in the world.
I'd love to, Witz. But no way in hades do we have grounds to call CPS on. The girl is 13. Most 13 year olds around here are babysitting other kids. CPS is not going to find that she's being neglected just cause she's being left alone one day a week and she's got the maturity and responsibility level of a 9 year old.
Cgfg would not remember to take the pill. We could do the shot, but it has to be redone, and after the first one, you can bet we'd have hell to pay and we likely wouldn't see the kid again for a long time (I know...not legal...but she's done it before, and she'd do it again).
I have had proof in black and white about things I've told her mom and her mom refuses to believe it.
My best bet is probably to approach her grandma if I want to attempt to do something about it. Other than that, do my best to keep our liability for it at a minimum. And I know that is an absolutely awfule thing to say...
It isn't an awful thing to say. It is a realistic thing to say. There is almost nothing that you can do. It seems there is little that dhcan or will do with/about cgfg. He may not even see a problem with her getting preg at 13. Until the situation comes up you never know how another person will respond. I hope he would be horrified and want to get her on some form of birth control like norplant or the shot, but you never know. We had neighbors who were thrilled when their 15yo started planning her wedding for right before her 16th birthday. I have known people who thought that there was nothing wrong with a young teen getting pregnant as long as she knew "pretty much" who the father was. Yes, I said "pretty much", which is exactly the wording the parents used! In some rural areas these very early marriages are more common than you might think.
It might be worth it to call husband's divorce attorney. One of my aunt M's prior husband's, C, had a very messed up family. He wound up paying child support for a spoiled girl who wouldn't even speak to him if she ran into him on the street until she was 21. By that time she and her boyfriend and their 3 kids all lived with her mom because if she moved out or got married then the support would stop. They even tried to get the support extended to age 24 because she couldn't go to work or school since she had 3 small children.
Make sure you know what the divorce agreement says, and ask the attorney what you can expect if she gets pregnant.
It is a dang shame that her mother is such a sorry parent. Her refusal to work with you and husband on ANY matter concerning cgfg is a big contributing factor to this. Having a child as a teen generally means some pretty miserable things for your future. It doesn't guarantee those things, but it makes them more likely. Teen bodies just are not designed to carry babies, esp at that age.
Do NOT be shocked if you end up taking her to the doctor and the doctor won't do anything. I took Wiz at 14 because we learned about something. The pediatrician read him the riot act and flat out refused to discuss any birth control except abstinence. We were lucky because the girl he was interested in lived over an hour away - they met in the acute psychiatric hospital (his second trip to the acute psychiatric hospital was to see her, she emailed that she was going back there - grrrr). He didn't have an interest in any local girls for a few years after that. I doubt you will be so lucky. Hopefully with a female child the doctor would be more realistic, esp given the damage that pregnancy at her age could do to her body.
Chances are that if gma won't work with you, and husband won't work to really force the issue (which would likely backfire, given the mom's stupidity), all you can do is to keep the condom supply stocked and pray that if she does need them then she knows how to use them properly. And that she doesn't need them.
Has she ever heard about the ugly, painful, unpleasant parts of pregnancy? Morning sickness all day long for 9 full months, hemorrhoids (show her some pictures of them online), swollen feet and legs that feel like they would pop if you sstuck a pin in them, headaches, backaches, having to go to the bathroom as soon as you start to do anything, having the baby get up under your ribs and try to kick them out of your body, etc... I let one of my younger cousins hear me gritch about the yucky parts while I was preg with thank you - it helped her slow things down with her boyfriend pretty substantially. A few years ago she said that some of the things really grossed her out - esp the part about the pelvic exams every couple of months and cervix checks during labor. Just the idea of some man or woman you don't know sticking a hand in there seemed grosser to her than anything she had ever heard, lol.
I am sorry that the entire family (well, adults and cgfg) has to worry and wonder about this.
Cgfg is also the epitome of "invincible". Despite being sick all the time to get out of stuff, nothing "bad" will catch up with her... She doesn't want children, but again, that only applies if you can tell yourself that something you don't want MIGHT happen to you anyway... And I don't think she realisticly can (kidnapping? Oh yeah...struck by lightning? Oh yeah...but something that relly could be an immenent threat to her? like suffering thru a pregnancy? Don't think she'd admit the "it could happen to me" thing.)
husband is shockingly concerned. But again, even he can't do much. They have joint custody, but she hasn't observed it from da 1. If he does anything, I am pretty sure she'll make some significant repurcussions.
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