This depression is really sinking in. I moved my therapist appointment from tomorrow to today. I spent the ENTIRE hour going over Devon's history. Because therapist is seeing him too and is concerned because he can't remember anything from about 5-12. Devon has another appointment next week that he made on a Thursday so that my mom and I can both go. Devon has said repeatedly that he doesn't care that he can't remember. It is cause for concern, but he's really not interested in working on it. I, however, needed that appointment. And all we did was go over Devon's history. From where we lived, my marriages, his father, my 2 boyfriends in a 12 year period, etc, etc, etc. I can't go back again because my insurance won't cover 2 appointments in one week. Which is totally unfair because my insurance covered this visit all about my adult son. I called to see if there are any openings tomorrow and I would just pay cash. There are none. They are closed on Fridays. There are also no appointments next week. I'm on a cancellation list. Devon picked me up from the appointment and I just started to cry. We got home and I sat in the car in the driveway and just sobbed. My appointment ended at 4pm and I can't stop crying. I NEEDED this appointment. I really did. I'm sinking low and I'm sinking fast. I know that Devon needs this stuff, too, but damn it he's an adult now. He HAS an appointment for next week. I'm angry and I'm upset and I just wanna say, "What about me?" I know that sounds selfish and childish, but I can't help it. I'm tired of being the sole caretaker of Wynter and the sole punching bag. I'm tired of always putting my needs last. I'm tired of always worrying about everyone else and right now, I need someone to worry about me. I'm sitting here crying and Christian is the only one asking if there is anything he can do. My own kids don't care. I want to go away. I want to not have any kids. I want to be alone. I just want it to stop.