Horrible horrible day

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterby, Nov 24, 2009.

  1. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    This depression is really sinking in. I moved my therapist appointment from tomorrow to today.

    I spent the ENTIRE hour going over Devon's history. Because therapist is seeing him too and is concerned because he can't remember anything from about 5-12. Devon has another appointment next week that he made on a Thursday so that my mom and I can both go.

    Devon has said repeatedly that he doesn't care that he can't remember. It is cause for concern, but he's really not interested in working on it.

    I, however, needed that appointment. And all we did was go over Devon's history. From where we lived, my marriages, his father, my 2 boyfriends in a 12 year period, etc, etc, etc.

    I can't go back again because my insurance won't cover 2 appointments in one week. Which is totally unfair because my insurance covered this visit all about my adult son. I called to see if there are any openings tomorrow and I would just pay cash. There are none. They are closed on Fridays.

    There are also no appointments next week. I'm on a cancellation list.

    Devon picked me up from the appointment and I just started to cry. We got home and I sat in the car in the driveway and just sobbed. My appointment ended at 4pm and I can't stop crying.

    I NEEDED this appointment. I really did. I'm sinking low and I'm sinking fast.

    I know that Devon needs this stuff, too, but damn it he's an adult now. He HAS an appointment for next week.

    I'm angry and I'm upset and I just wanna say, "What about me?" I know that sounds selfish and childish, but I can't help it.

    I'm tired of being the sole caretaker of Wynter and the sole punching bag. I'm tired of always putting my needs last. I'm tired of always worrying about everyone else and right now, I need someone to worry about me.

    I'm sitting here crying and Christian is the only one asking if there is anything he can do. My own kids don't care.

    I want to go away. I want to not have any kids. I want to be alone. I just want it to stop.
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I vote for you taking Devon's appointment spot next week. He can wait until the next one opens up. For all intents and purposes, today's appointment SHOULD be billed as if it were for him, because it was all completely ABOUT him.

    I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time today. Go easy on yourself, okay?
  3. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    She can't bill it for him because he had an appointment this morning and they won't cover 2 appointments in one week.
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I worry about you. We all do. You are important to us....

    Please try and take care of yourself....even if that means just taking a "day off" and laying around on the couch doing nothing.

    Sending gentle ((((hugs)))

  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    That's why you should take his appointment spot next week. Can you have two appointments in two weeks?
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Heather, I'm so sorry. Please do your best to take care of you. Sending many hugs, lots of love, and nice soft blankets.
  7. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Yes, I can have one appointment a week.

    Thing is, when this happens like it is, I don't get a little depressed. I get scary depressed. I feel it happening and I'm trying to stop it, but I need help. And I didn't get it today.

    I could take Devon's appointment for next Thursday, but I'm hoping they'll have a cancellation before that. But, I'm also angry and hurt by therapist and I tend to shut down when that happens and I don't know if I'll be able to talk openly. Trust issues. Vulnerability. And this is the first therapist that I've completely trusted so that really hurts, too.

    I feel so raw.
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hugs. You matter to me, you are important to me, and to many others on this board. If you do not feel like you matter to your kids then know you matter to us.

    I wonder if your lamictal increase should be working by now? Is it time to consider another additional medication? If that is just too much to think about now then don't think about it, just do something nice for you. Take a bath, read a book, go to your room and blare music and yell and scream. Whatever it takes.

    And take the therapist appointment next week. If you sink, they all will sink--I am in a similiar situation here--
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Heather if therapist tries a stunt like that again she needs to be very quickly reminded that it is your appointment and NOT Devon's. Then dig in your heels and flat out refuse to offer any info on Devon. That was unethical of her honestly. If she was that concerned and felt she needed to be filled in before his appointment she could have spoken to you over the phone and received the same info without it taking over your time with her. I've done this with a therapist or psychiatrist for Nichole on occasion.

    YOU need your time too. Yes, Devon needs help. But that doesn't subtract from the importance of you getting the help YOU need as well. Personally, knowing your current need.....I'd take over his appointment for next week and let her squeeze him in if there is a cancellation.

    You know we worry about you.

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Heather}} If you can get that other appointment, then do it. Demand it. If your Dr is not listening and you really feel like you're on the edge, you need to get yourself some attn asap, in the form of the ER if necessary.

    You sound very unstable and while we all know you know we love you and care about you, what happens with you, if you're feeling alone, please reach out to ANYONE - don't wait for the appointment.

    Sending lots and lots of hugs and supportive thoughts to you. I am lighting a candle in your honor tonight. Hang in there.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    This is why many tdocs will not see more than 1 member of a family or they see the family as a whole. Our fave therapist says it is unethical to do this.

    Your therapist messed up today. PLEASE do not let it destroy all your trust in her. Tell her what you feel, even if you have to leave it on voicemail. Tell Devon that you are in need and are taking his appointment if they don't get a cancellation next week.

    Tell your kids and the girlfriend that it is a dang shame that only the child who is not yours by birth cares about you. Tell them that whatever they want, the answer is no until they show some consideration and compassion for you. Then refuse to do anything/everything that you do for them. Let them fuss - jsut ignore it.

    Sending hugs and a shoulder to cry on. If you start thinking about hurting yourself please, PLEASE go to the ER. Even if you have to call an ambulance for a ride.

    We love you, and WE are worried about you!
  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Thank you all so much. There just aren't words....

    I am not thinking about hurting myself. I'm not to that point....yet. And I'm trying to not get to that point. I just want to run away and be left alone. It's just that the littlest things - day to day things - are overwhelming.

    I went with Christian to his therapist appointment - same therapist - and even though we didn't talk about me, I felt better after seeing her again. I think had I gone in by myself, I wouldn't have been able to open up at all. I would have completely shut down. I couldn't even look anyone in the eye.

    Funny. Doctors have spent the last 2 years when I haven't been depressed blaming my pain and illness on my history of depression. And now that I'm depressed, my pain is lower than it's been in 2 years. Let them take that and put it where the sun don't shine.

    Even my mom said to take Devon's appointment next week, which surprised me because Devon is the favorite. I'm hoping, though, that she'll have a cancellation sooner - she usually does - because his appointment isn't until next Thursday.

    I'm more calm now than I was earlier. The instability seems to come and go. When it comes, it's just really hard - oppressive.

    I really, really hate depression.

    On a good note, therapist is really impressed with the progress that Christian has made, so at least it seems I can do *something* right.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with taking Devon's appointment. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this depression. I am glad you are seeking help for it. Please know how much you are cared about. Gentle hugs.
  14. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Oh hun, I have been there. It hoovers. I wish there was some way around it. You were so supportive when I was at my lowest, if there is anything I can do pm me. lol Not sure what that would be but anything.
  15. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Heather, until you can get in there, write down everything you are feeling. Get it all down, ALL of it. You will feel better just getting it out, and you can decide next week which parts you are prepared to address specifically with the therapist. You need to let this person know just exactly how much that side-tracked session upset you. They are doing you a complete disservice if you are not being heard, but you have to take ownership and tell them if you have any hope of getting them to understand.

    You are an amazing woman and stronger than you know!

  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Heather, my depressions were like yours. I called them "the black hole." they were scary and I ended up in the hospital when I was pregnant, so I know how it is.

    Are you on any anti-depressants? I don't see any medications listed in your signature. (((Gentle hugs))) from one who has been there many times.
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You can do a lot "right" and you have.
    It may seem like nothing right now, but you have done so much right, if you hadn't those kids wouldn't be half of what they are today.

    I just wish there was a way for you to have some support. You have so much on your tired shoulders, I really wish I could help you.

    At least I got a cyber hug for you, not much... but I'll keep sending them.
  18. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    What about calling and leaving therapist a voicemail NOW, being clear about how YOU are feeling, your disappointment that your issues were ignored at YOUR appointment, and that you'd like to talk for a few minutes today if possible, even over the phone? At the very least, might it encourage them to FIND a spot in the schedule before next Thursday--maybe even tomorrow?
  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Heather, it has been my experience that most tdocs build places into their schedules to accomodate emergencies. They won't tell you they do this, but I have yet to meet one yet that doesn't.

    Call her and leave that urgent voice mail that you need to talk NOW, not later. Its worth a shot.
  20. ML

    ML Guest

    I would at least leave a message for the therapist explaining how you are feeling. In the meantime, practice some extra self care. Journal, talk, rest and pick up the phone if you need a voice. I'm sure you have lots of numbers but I'll pm you mine anyway. Love, ML