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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 35942" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You and husband need to be on the same page. My husband trawls here and reads all my posts, so I'm always careful to be scrupulously complimentary about him (just kidding - he's a darling).</p><p>But by him seeing what I write, it's added an extra dimension to our communication, which I HAD thought was as good as it could get.</p><p></p><p>But even before you get there, there are some things you need:</p><p></p><p>1) You and difficult child screamed at each other. You both showed lack of respect to each other. You can't punish him or criticise him without accepting the same for yourself.</p><p></p><p>2) husband just stood. Chances are, he was probably in shock. And if he HAD stepped in to chastise difficult child, what would it have achieved? I think I can pretty much guarantee, it would have escalated things to Hiroshima proportions. And would that have got through to difficult child with any positive message? Or would it just have made YOU feel better, because he had been punished? Remember, punishment is pointless unless it teaches.</p><p></p><p>So, in summary from 1) & 2) - don't be so tough on difficult child & husband. difficult child's a kid, he should know better. You should be setting him an example. And maybe husband should have tried to control both of you, but you know yourselves better - would this have worked? Or would he have gotten hurt, even more than he has been?</p><p></p><p>Now to continue - </p><p></p><p>3) Don't fight the homework battles. Walk away. Do not get involved at all. Let the school know that you are just not going there. Let THEM sort it out. This is a hard one to do, but you and difficult child need to work on your relationship and you can't do that when you are also part of "school" and all its issues, at home.</p><p></p><p>4) Sit down with husband and write a list of all difficult child's problem behaviours. Be as thorough as possible. Then analyse the list - where do you think these problems are coming from? be honest with yourselves. If you can identify a predisposing incident, do so. Remember, no blame is involved in this analysis, no part of "If you hadn't said that to him, he wouldn't have exploded like that". You can note down that one of you said x and difficult child reacted with y, but go no further with blame.</p><p>Once you have your list, and especially if you also have triggers, try and connect behaviours that tend to happen together. See if you can work out why he is reacting this way. I'm not saying difficult child is right - far from it. But if you can see what tips him over, you can work to prevent, at least in part. Where you can't prevent, you can see the chaos begin, recognise the signs like an early warning air raid siren, and either walk away or cut the argument before it gets too far out of hand.</p><p></p><p>5) Look at your list again. Which behaviours do you want to see gone, first? Prioritise. Include husband's thoughts here. And also include WHY you want each one gone, what you hope to achieve as a result. And I would strongly urge that difficult child shouting abuse at you should NOT be number 1 priority. I know it's not nice, we've had that one too, so be aware, I AM telling you this from personal experience. I think you all have a lot of other things to work on first. But as you do, you may find this one evaporating on its own. It did for us. I hope it does for you too.</p><p></p><p>By grouping like with like, you may reduce the quantity. It may also help point to an over-riding problem which, if dealt with, could fix a dozen others.</p><p></p><p>Now tell yourself - these problems have been here for a while, they're not going to be eradicated instantly. This will take time. How will we do this?</p><p>Go back to your list. Only look at the top four. Ignore the rest. Make an agreement with yourself and tattoo it on your foreheads in letters of fire - "I will not react to any other problems, other than the four we have chosen."</p><p></p><p>Then, and only then, sit yourselves down with difficult child for a CALM talk about these problems. Tell him that you want to help him grow to be a successful, happy, independent adult but currently this isn't tracking too well from your point of view. You want to work on this as a team. Ask HIM what problems he wants to work on. If he's not being real about it, then tell him you worked on a long list, but you only want to deal with the top four, for now. Tell him what they are, ask him how he wants to proceed.</p><p></p><p>Through all of this, stay calm. Pretend to yourself that he is an employee that you're not allowed to sack, or a flatmate that you can't evict. You have to work to get along. Keep this image in mind. He can no longer be treated as a naughty child, even when he IS one, because IT IS NOT WORKING.</p><p></p><p>Draw up a contract (if you can get this far). Stick it up in the kitchen somewhere. Make sure the contract includes difficult child's requests too, in terms of "If difficult child does x, he will be granted y." Try and use motivation. Always be consistent and fair. If he begins to shout at you, swear at you or be abusive in any other way, DO NOT DO THE SAME BACK. Instead, walk away. Deny him your presence to argue with. Put THIS in the agreement too, for both of you - no shouting at each other to make a point, and you will walk away when shouting begins.</p><p></p><p>And finally - be prepared to use professional guidance to work this out. You may need a trained psychologist to sit with you all and work out a mutual contract. I really do think this may be too big a task on your own.</p><p></p><p>And please - read the book! It really does help, more than I can.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 35942, member: 1991"] You and husband need to be on the same page. My husband trawls here and reads all my posts, so I'm always careful to be scrupulously complimentary about him (just kidding - he's a darling). But by him seeing what I write, it's added an extra dimension to our communication, which I HAD thought was as good as it could get. But even before you get there, there are some things you need: 1) You and difficult child screamed at each other. You both showed lack of respect to each other. You can't punish him or criticise him without accepting the same for yourself. 2) husband just stood. Chances are, he was probably in shock. And if he HAD stepped in to chastise difficult child, what would it have achieved? I think I can pretty much guarantee, it would have escalated things to Hiroshima proportions. And would that have got through to difficult child with any positive message? Or would it just have made YOU feel better, because he had been punished? Remember, punishment is pointless unless it teaches. So, in summary from 1) & 2) - don't be so tough on difficult child & husband. difficult child's a kid, he should know better. You should be setting him an example. And maybe husband should have tried to control both of you, but you know yourselves better - would this have worked? Or would he have gotten hurt, even more than he has been? Now to continue - 3) Don't fight the homework battles. Walk away. Do not get involved at all. Let the school know that you are just not going there. Let THEM sort it out. This is a hard one to do, but you and difficult child need to work on your relationship and you can't do that when you are also part of "school" and all its issues, at home. 4) Sit down with husband and write a list of all difficult child's problem behaviours. Be as thorough as possible. Then analyse the list - where do you think these problems are coming from? be honest with yourselves. If you can identify a predisposing incident, do so. Remember, no blame is involved in this analysis, no part of "If you hadn't said that to him, he wouldn't have exploded like that". You can note down that one of you said x and difficult child reacted with y, but go no further with blame. Once you have your list, and especially if you also have triggers, try and connect behaviours that tend to happen together. See if you can work out why he is reacting this way. I'm not saying difficult child is right - far from it. But if you can see what tips him over, you can work to prevent, at least in part. Where you can't prevent, you can see the chaos begin, recognise the signs like an early warning air raid siren, and either walk away or cut the argument before it gets too far out of hand. 5) Look at your list again. Which behaviours do you want to see gone, first? Prioritise. Include husband's thoughts here. And also include WHY you want each one gone, what you hope to achieve as a result. And I would strongly urge that difficult child shouting abuse at you should NOT be number 1 priority. I know it's not nice, we've had that one too, so be aware, I AM telling you this from personal experience. I think you all have a lot of other things to work on first. But as you do, you may find this one evaporating on its own. It did for us. I hope it does for you too. By grouping like with like, you may reduce the quantity. It may also help point to an over-riding problem which, if dealt with, could fix a dozen others. Now tell yourself - these problems have been here for a while, they're not going to be eradicated instantly. This will take time. How will we do this? Go back to your list. Only look at the top four. Ignore the rest. Make an agreement with yourself and tattoo it on your foreheads in letters of fire - "I will not react to any other problems, other than the four we have chosen." Then, and only then, sit yourselves down with difficult child for a CALM talk about these problems. Tell him that you want to help him grow to be a successful, happy, independent adult but currently this isn't tracking too well from your point of view. You want to work on this as a team. Ask HIM what problems he wants to work on. If he's not being real about it, then tell him you worked on a long list, but you only want to deal with the top four, for now. Tell him what they are, ask him how he wants to proceed. Through all of this, stay calm. Pretend to yourself that he is an employee that you're not allowed to sack, or a flatmate that you can't evict. You have to work to get along. Keep this image in mind. He can no longer be treated as a naughty child, even when he IS one, because IT IS NOT WORKING. Draw up a contract (if you can get this far). Stick it up in the kitchen somewhere. Make sure the contract includes difficult child's requests too, in terms of "If difficult child does x, he will be granted y." Try and use motivation. Always be consistent and fair. If he begins to shout at you, swear at you or be abusive in any other way, DO NOT DO THE SAME BACK. Instead, walk away. Deny him your presence to argue with. Put THIS in the agreement too, for both of you - no shouting at each other to make a point, and you will walk away when shouting begins. And finally - be prepared to use professional guidance to work this out. You may need a trained psychologist to sit with you all and work out a mutual contract. I really do think this may be too big a task on your own. And please - read the book! It really does help, more than I can. Marg [/QUOTE]
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