Horrible visit with difficult child on Sunday...do we go back?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KJsMama, Mar 2, 2010.

  1. KJsMama

    KJsMama New Member

    Went to court on Friday and difficult child is being held at Juvenile Hall until next court date on 3/12. husband to and I went to visit on Sunday. Ugh! He answered a couple of questions: he's doing fine, he was staying in an abondoned house by himself but then when asked "why" he just said "I just wanted to" but wouldn't talk about what was bothering him and then shut down completely. Wouldn't say a stinking thing! We told him we loved him, gave him a hug and left (we were there probably 10 minutes). I don't know what they're going to do with him - at this point I don't want him home because I think he'll run again and go who knows where this time.

    Any ideas of what to say? Do we go back to visit this Sunday or ??? I feel so "lost" and have no idea what to do.
  2. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    KjsMama- first off, a gentle hug for your hurting heart. I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

    My take on visits has always been that I need to do what *I* need to do. And most of the time, what I needed to do was show up. What difficult child did with it was on him. If he was nasty and vile, I would calmly tell him I love him and then leave. Of course, we were never talking a short commute, LOL. An hour or more each way. Seems like a waste of time but... again, I needed to see my kid, to tell him I love him, to let him know that I would keep coming back no matter what. That was important in my mind.

    There absolutely were times when I didn't visit, when I needed to take a break and catch my breath. More often, relatively speaking, when he was older and I was *really* tired of being treated like lint. If you don't go then you need to give yourself a pass on it, don't feel guilty. It is perfectly okay to not go.

    I guess what I would advise you is to follow your heart.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Sue. You have to do what gives you peace. If it's visiting again, even if just to say "I love you" and give him hug, then that's what you need to do. If it's too painful, give yourself a pass and absolve yourself of the guilt.

    But, being a mother, I do understand how it hurts your heart. Hugs.

  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I agree with the others...sometimes you have to protect your hurting heart.

    I had the same experience when my daughter was last hospitalized. Drove all the way out to visit and she wouldn't say two words to me--so I left. I told husband that if that's the way she was going to treat me when I came to visit...I didn't see the point in rushing to go back.


    Hope things get better...

  5. KJsMama

    KJsMama New Member

    Thanks ladies. I think what's wrong is that I don't know exactly how I feel. On the one hand I don't want him to feel like we don't care (I just don't know what's going on in that twisted little mind) and on the other hand it's extremely hard to keep getting rejected by him. I guess that's what you're all saying, though. I need to protect MY heart, not his necessarily. Ok now I'm talking to myself (LOL). Thanks again...have a great day.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    KJs Mamma,

    Well, Hi there - (1st time talk to you long time poster) lol.

    What is wrong with taking some time for YOU? And just letting him be where he is? I think so often we worry so much about our children's feelings because we've been told that there is something wrong with them we forget to take time for ourselves. In the same vortex of emotions like Sue and Daisy echoed, we have to do what makes us feel good so we find ourselves including going to see our children as part of that feel-good feeling.

    It's like a sad catch 22. We want to see them because it makes us feel good, we go; and like you said yourself horrible visit. So we chalk it up to the fact that it's okay because we're the adults and we can handle it, but if we don't go we worry ourselves sick that they think we don't love them. Which comes full circle to equating doing what we can do to show them we love them, because we don't have a normal relationship and we are trying so desperately to find some semblance of normal we'll do almost anything to have just a little bit of what everyone else has even if it means ignoring what's right or healthy for everyone even if it's just for an hour once a week. Welcome to our world.

    The thoughts that used to run through my mind over weighing the odds of go or not go when Dude was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), psychiatric hospitals, residential treatments, Department of Juvenile Justice? Nothing short of torture. While I would ponder the last visit in the back of my mind as 'it will just happen again', the front of my mind would say 'forgive, forget, clean slate, be a good Mom', and honestly it has nothing to do with being a good Mom. Then the other side of my brain would chime in and say 'if you go, you're only reinforcing bad behavior and letting him win, he'll never learn he can't treat you this way if you keep showing up, what are you teaching him if you continue to allow him to talk to you like this and behave like this and reward him with a visit?" and then the other side of my brain would speak up and say 'well who do you think you are? he's a child, he needs to know he's love regardless', and on and on this battle would go - then throw in EVERYONES opinion from my Mother, fiance, therapist to few friends that I did have left and honey let me tell ya - By the time I did decide to go my head was spinning and the only thing I could do was a silent SHUT UP scream.

    So I'd go...it would be awful. I'd hate myself in the car, tears streaming down my face. I'd feel foolish. So I'd go...it would be wonderful. I'd be glad I went. I'd be on top of the world, like there was hope, smiling the rest of the week, almost IN YOUR FACE to the rest of the world. I'd feel great. This is nuts. Up, down, UP, DOWN. OMG when I look back? The only thing that was even anywhere near human was the last three years of this life when I started working with Dude's therapist who had been OUR therapist for the last six, but spent the last three on ME and how do I walk away from THIS? Otherwise I would be in the nut hut.

    At some point, you have to learn to detach, and allow his problems to be his. The sooner the better. The more the better. It sounds cruel. All your life, all your relationship with your child you've spent protecting him and now? Now you are being told - nope, you have to leave him here, with us. HE's on his own. It is so unnatural. So when you GET a chance to have a little bit of 'normal' you grab for it. I finally had to ask myself: Is it going to help ME to go see him? Because at THIS point it had to be about be getting healthy again. I was worn out. Yes, I love my son with all my heart. Yes I would do anything to keep him from harm. However I would not allow him to kill me. This stress had already caused a stroke. Did I want to end up completely incapacitated for life - because HE certainly wouldn't help me. So no. I weighed my odds, and decided that I would go when I was a little stronger and just left him to think about what a visit meant to him. Then like Sue - when I was able to visit and I was able to recognize the signs of his ugly nature? I just picked up my stuff, said I love you and left. No words or any emotion. I just left. That way I avoided hearing him yell things down the hall that I had to hear in my head all week long. Even though I had tools to help me deal with it now? It still hurts.

    So - take from this whatever you can....maybe only that you aren't alone, or maybe nothing at all. But DO consider finding someone besides a friend, sister or other family member to talk to about your son. A good b%*($&%ing buddy is almost the best tool you can get in my humble opinion for dealing with these kids....someone you dump on once a week, get good solutions and tools for dealing with your own situations at home - and it's like you feel free for a while.

    Whatever you do decide? You have friends here that understand. Welcome to the Board.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When my son was in jail or Department of Juvenile Justice, we had to make decisions on if or when we would visit him. Sometimes that decision was yes, sometimes it was no. It depended on many things. Lots of times it was his behavior and attitude and why he was in. Now he doesnt take a visit from me for granted. He knows if Im not happy with him, I will withhold my presence and phone calls. I may write.
  8. KJsMama

    KJsMama New Member

    Thanks for all your insight. It definitely helps to have people to bounce things off of. It's such an amazing feeling to have people who "get" how I feel and can offter their suggestions. I take every one to heart. All of my close friends have PCs and I don't feel that they understand at all. I just feel like such a failure when I'm around them. I feel right at home here - thanks. I'm sure I'll be "dumping" often.

    Visitation is open again for tonight, but we're not going. I go to a ladies' Bible study on Thurs. nights and last time difficult child was at Juvie we told him that we wouldn't be going out of our way for visits so we're sticking to that - maybe we'll try again on Sunday - one more time...

    I have also made an appointment for myself and my husband to sit with a therapist and discuss these issues as well. I just want to do the right thing. I wish I could just **shake** some sense into him or put some toothpics in his eyes to "open" them to what he's doing to himself and others. Thanks again!