KJs Mamma,
Well, Hi there - (1st time talk to you long time poster) lol.
What is wrong with taking some time for YOU? And just letting him be where he is? I think so often we worry so much about our children's feelings because we've been told that there is something wrong with them we forget to take time for ourselves. In the same vortex of emotions like Sue and Daisy echoed, we have to do what makes us feel good so we find ourselves including going to see our children as part of that feel-good feeling.
It's like a sad catch 22. We want to see them because it makes us feel good, we go; and like you said yourself horrible visit. So we chalk it up to the fact that it's okay because we're the adults and we can handle it, but if we don't go we worry ourselves sick that they think we don't love them. Which comes full circle to equating doing what we can do to show them we love them, because we don't have a normal relationship and we are trying so desperately to find some semblance of normal we'll do almost anything to have just a little bit of what everyone else has even if it means ignoring what's right or healthy for everyone even if it's just for an hour once a week. Welcome to our world.
The thoughts that used to run through my mind over weighing the odds of go or not go when Dude was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC), psychiatric hospitals, residential treatments, Department of Juvenile Justice? Nothing short of torture. While I would ponder the last visit in the back of my mind as 'it will just happen again', the front of my mind would say 'forgive, forget, clean slate, be a good Mom', and honestly it has nothing to do with being a good Mom. Then the other side of my brain would chime in and say 'if you go, you're only reinforcing bad behavior and letting him win, he'll never learn he can't treat you this way if you keep showing up, what are you teaching him if you continue to allow him to talk to you like this and behave like this and reward him with a visit?" and then the other side of my brain would speak up and say 'well who do you think you are? he's a child, he needs to know he's love regardless', and on and on this battle would go - then throw in EVERYONES opinion from my Mother, fiance, therapist to few friends that I did have left and honey let me tell ya - By the time I did decide to go my head was spinning and the only thing I could do was a silent SHUT UP scream.
So I'd go...it would be awful. I'd hate myself in the car, tears streaming down my face. I'd feel foolish. So I'd go...it would be wonderful. I'd be glad I went. I'd be on top of the world, like there was hope, smiling the rest of the week, almost IN YOUR FACE to the rest of the world. I'd feel great. This is nuts. Up, down, UP, DOWN. OMG when I look back? The only thing that was even anywhere near human was the last three years of this life when I started working with Dude's therapist who had been OUR therapist for the last six, but spent the last three on ME and how do I walk away from THIS? Otherwise I would be in the nut hut.
At some point, you have to learn to detach, and allow his problems to be his. The sooner the better. The more the better. It sounds cruel. All your life, all your relationship with your child you've spent protecting him and now? Now you are being told - nope, you have to leave him here, with us. HE's on his own. It is so unnatural. So when you GET a chance to have a little bit of 'normal' you grab for it. I finally had to ask myself: Is it going to help ME to go see him? Because at THIS point it had to be about be getting healthy again. I was worn out. Yes, I love my son with all my heart. Yes I would do anything to keep him from harm. However I would not allow him to kill me. This stress had already caused a stroke. Did I want to end up completely incapacitated for life - because HE certainly wouldn't help me. So no. I weighed my odds, and decided that I would go when I was a little stronger and just left him to think about what a visit meant to him. Then like Sue - when I was able to visit and I was able to recognize the signs of his ugly nature? I just picked up my stuff, said I love you and left. No words or any emotion. I just left. That way I avoided hearing him yell things down the hall that I had to hear in my head all week long. Even though I had tools to help me deal with it now? It still hurts.
So - take from this whatever you can....maybe only that you aren't alone, or maybe nothing at all. But DO consider finding someone besides a friend, sister or other family member to talk to about your son. A good b%*($&%ing buddy is almost the best tool you can get in my humble opinion for dealing with these kids....someone you dump on once a week, get good solutions and tools for dealing with your own situations at home - and it's like you feel free for a while.
Whatever you do decide? You have friends here that understand. Welcome to the Board.
Hugs
Star
