horrible weekend..long...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by april1974, Jun 13, 2011.

  1. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Friday- M had to be picked up from school for head butting a girl, unprovoked, I had gone home from work to have lunch, husband came outside and told me, I lost it on M, totally inappropriate parenting, then me and husband had a huge blowout. After work I had to come home and nap since I had to walk all night with Relay for Life(raise money for cancer) Before I napped husband tried to clear the air with me, but it didn't work. I never did nap, I cried all afternoon. Left did my all night walk, came home saturday morning

    Saturday-Slept, husband took the twins canoeing and then to the beach for the day, I had the afternoon to sort my feelings out. Came to the conclusion that if husband didn't or wouldn't talk discuss listen etc then maybe a trial separation is needed for us. husband came home we talked, he explained how upset he was at the things I had said, and he also said he saw my point of view and agreed he needed to step up and be there to advocate for his kids, and if that means going over people's heads at the school then so be it. He was mad at me for bringing his aunt into the school stuff with M, he thought the school was retaliating against me for that, but says he was wrong and if they were retaliating then it's up to him to defend us because I told him "I don't care who's toes I step on, I will advocate for my son, and if that means climbing over people then that is what I will do and he's either with me or he's not, in which case we have problems" I discussed everything with his aunt, she said the school cares about M and they would never ever retaliate against him for me bringing her in, she would have been brought in eventually anyways and husband shouldn't think that way, husband agreed, he said he was sorry for that and he will back me more vocally from now on, he also agreed to listen to me talk about the books I'm reading and be more involved. I agreed to watch what I say and try to filter some of my thoughts before telling him.

    I did tell husband that he is half my stress, because husband freaks out and say "the kid isdisturbed" etc it gets me upset and instead of taking my anger out on husband I take it out on M, and that is just plain wrong, I told husband that I'm not angry with M, I'm angry with him, for not standing up for his kids and making everything an issue, he needs to mellow out a bit and calm down, and then I will be calm, whatever is going on with M it's not the end of the world, we will get through this, he's our son. I told husband that when it's just me and the kids, usually things are smooth, I have a routine that works, there isn't alot of stress, but when he's home it's like I'm on eggshells because he gets pissy over minor things, things he needs to let go. I also told him, he needs to read about stuff and educate himself so together we can work with M to help him, to help us, we need to be united, and we need to realize that there are much worse things in life, we will get through this, but I need him to feel this way, and not feel so doomed all the time, because it affects me which affects how I treat M, and that is what I need to change, I can't let husband affect how I treat my son.

    M difficult child - husband's aunt said he absolutely does not have ODD, she has worked with kids who have this and he absolutely 100% does not have it, this reasured me greatly, I think it's adhd, she agreed, he could have adhd, I want treatment and we are trying to see a dr to get a diagnosis, because if Ritalin will help with the aggression then why not give it to him? If he had diabetes we would never withhold insulin, so lets see if there is something going on that medications might help. She agreed, her priority is M and the motives behind putting him on medications, I agreed, I'm not a dr and it would be up to a specialist, but we can't carry on this way, it's not fair to ds or to his classmates who eventually will be scared of him.

    I appologized again to M for getting so upset with him. today is a new day. 2 wks of school left, TG!
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hugs... It ain't easy, that's for sure! But the end of your post seemed positive, as though you are finding strength and hope amid all the difficulty and despair?
    Hate to say this, but if I had a euro for everyone who has told me my son "DEFINITELY" doesn't have this, that or the other (mainly ADHD), I wouldn't exactly be a rich woman but at least I could buy a nice meal! I have learnt to be suspicious of all these certainties... That said, it is partly the way you look at things. I used to think of my son as having ODD (he's got most of the symptoms!) but then I stopped doing that because I felt it wasn't helpful and, hey presto, he doesn't seem to have it now. Lol. This is SO stressful sometimes - I completely undertand your "meltdown" and join you in vowing to decrease if not eliminate them...
    I also agree about the medications. Not for everyone but if they can help significantly...
    Chin up! You're doing great so far.
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Many hugs to you...this sort of thing is extremely stressful on an entire family and unless you two have open communication, as well as supporting each other's efforts, the marriage can be tremendously effected.

    I can't remember if you've had a neuropsychologist done, but if you haven't I highly recommend it. Diagnosis' from anyone but professionals cause unneccesary heartache or even damage.

  4. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Thanks girls,
    I asked ds what he would like (reward) at the end of the year if he doesn't hit anyone, he wants to go to the movies, so if we can go the next 2wks without any unprovoked hitting/kicking/head butting instances then he gets to see Cars2, I went to the school(surprise visit) at the end of the day, his morning teacher said he had an awesome morning :) and his afternoon teacher said they had no hitting episodes but he needs to work on leaving the kids alone during quiet time. M doesn't entertain himself that great during quiet time and can be a bug, but all and all a good day :)
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) Sounds like you are so on track, and slowly getting your husband on track. GREAT JOB :bravo:

    The next time husband freaks out and says "the kid is disturbed" Just stop, look at him, and say "YES, he is. I'm doing everything I can to learn about what makes him 'tick', and so should you." WE need to help him together" Men are very much like children learning new things. They need a lot of repetition.

    Once you have at least a hunch of what might be gong on with M, you might consider finding a parent support group. It'll help both of you with ideas of how to deal with him, and give you insight as to whether your 'hunch' is on the right track or not.

    Don't forget to keep your eyes open with your other son as well. "Issues" tend to run in families, and twins (even fraternal twins) often end up being "opposites" in personality. While he may be a easy child, he may also have 'quieter' issues that you don't want to miss because you are so focused on M.
  6. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    Keista- Thnks, and you are right watching the other twin, I worry more about him accademically but, since they are split up at school(in the mornings) if the teacher had concerns she would tell me, I think it will take him longer to do the reading and writing but otherwise I think he's ok.

    I also need to work on my own "rages" I tend to fly off the handle and need to learn to calm myself down too, overall this is something I have been working on but it is a struggle since my patience level is not the greatest but that is also due to having twins, twins are very stressful and when one twin could be adhd it does make life very very stressful.

    I have to take things day by day. husband is actually more patient about things than me(he isn't a yeller or spanker) but he does nit pick and has high expectations which then stresses me out....now that we've had our talk I'm hoping we can turn this ship around. I mean the kids are only 5 so they are young enough to forget alot of stuff and hopefully move on to a happier moments.