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House Rules? Ideas needed
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<blockquote data-quote="mattsmum" data-source="post: 65347" data-attributes="member: 3532"><p>Teenagers: Setting House Rules</p><p></p><p>by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.</p><p>reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P.</p><p>There are no magic rules to make living with teenagers pleasant all of the time. But if you put a few fundamental rules in place, you'll help your adolescent child adopt sensible and responsible behaviors and avoid a lot of unnecessary strife.</p><p></p><p>All these rules flow from what I like to call "The Law of Exchange," which states that you can expect to get back what you give to your child. For example, if you give your child respect, your child should treat you with respect. If you listen to your child with an open mind, she should accord you the same courtesy. (Conversely, if you lose your temper often and yell at your child, guess what the Law of Exchange has in store for you?) The Law of Exchange is really not a rule, it's more like the Law of Gravity: It simply states how things work.</p><p></p><p>Here are some of the rules that follow from the Law of Exchange:</p><p></p><p>1. <strong>Everyone has the right to a pleasant place to live.</strong> A practical application of this rule is that teens know that they can't play their CDs so loudly as to disturb others. They need to pick up clothing and other items in hallways, bathrooms, and other spaces they share with the rest of the family. They can expect adults and other children to give them the same courtesy.</p><p></p><p></p><p>2. <strong>Everyone has a right to have her own space.</strong> If your teenager has her own room, your teen can decorate the room as she wishes, and can keep it as messy or neat as she chooses--within reason. Parents reserve the right to decide if the "within reason" line has been crossed. For example, a parent is within her rights to insist that a teen pick up if the room starts to smell bad (particularly if the smell bothers others outside the room, violating Rule No. 1). If your teen shares a room, it's still important to mark off a space that's her own, even if it is nothing more than a set of drawers, a closet, or a certain bit of floor space.</p><p></p><p></p><p>3. <strong>Parents have the responsibility to keep their children safe and the right to worry about them.</strong> Most teens will actively oppose parental rules that they think are arbitrary (for example, having to wear their hair a certain way). But they are much more accepting of rules that are clearly intended to keep them safe. Young children depend on their parents to protect them from the dangers of the world. Older children and teens need less protection, but still want to feel that they are watched over and loved, even if they pretend not to care. When a curfew, for instance, is framed in light of this rule, teens are more likely to accept it: "You have to be home by 10 at night, because the streets aren't safe after that. If you haven't come home or at least called by 10, I'm going to worry."</p><p></p><p></p><p>4. <strong>Everyone has to help with the work of the family.</strong> Whether you divide up the work using a formal schedule or everyone just pitches in when they can, the principle here is that everyone in the family helps out with housework and other chores--doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, cleaning up the bathrooms, raking the leaves, sorting the laundry, and so on. You might want to call a family meeting to help divvy up the chores: Teens, as well as school-age children, often feel very strongly about fairness. They are more likely to do their chores without complaining if they believe that it's the fair thing to do rather than if they are simply following orders.</p><p></p><p></p><p>5. <strong>School work is a priority.</strong> In almost every family, parents expect their adolescents to try hard in school so that they will be ready to enter the wider world of college or work. The Law of Exchange here is that parents will do what they can to find good schools, work with the teachers, and help their children in whatever ways they can. In return, parents can expect an honest effort from their children. Of course, there are real-world limitations: Not every child has access to a good school (a shameful reality in the richest country in the world!), and not all parents have the time and resources to provide all the help a child needs. But both parents and teens can agree to try, so that teens can succeed not only at home, but in life as well.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mattsmum, post: 65347, member: 3532"] Teenagers: Setting House Rules by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. reviewed by Robert Needlman, M.D., F.A.A.P. There are no magic rules to make living with teenagers pleasant all of the time. But if you put a few fundamental rules in place, you'll help your adolescent child adopt sensible and responsible behaviors and avoid a lot of unnecessary strife. All these rules flow from what I like to call "The Law of Exchange," which states that you can expect to get back what you give to your child. For example, if you give your child respect, your child should treat you with respect. If you listen to your child with an open mind, she should accord you the same courtesy. (Conversely, if you lose your temper often and yell at your child, guess what the Law of Exchange has in store for you?) The Law of Exchange is really not a rule, it's more like the Law of Gravity: It simply states how things work. Here are some of the rules that follow from the Law of Exchange: 1. [b]Everyone has the right to a pleasant place to live.[/b] A practical application of this rule is that teens know that they can't play their CDs so loudly as to disturb others. They need to pick up clothing and other items in hallways, bathrooms, and other spaces they share with the rest of the family. They can expect adults and other children to give them the same courtesy. 2. [b]Everyone has a right to have her own space.[/b] If your teenager has her own room, your teen can decorate the room as she wishes, and can keep it as messy or neat as she chooses--within reason. Parents reserve the right to decide if the "within reason" line has been crossed. For example, a parent is within her rights to insist that a teen pick up if the room starts to smell bad (particularly if the smell bothers others outside the room, violating Rule No. 1). If your teen shares a room, it's still important to mark off a space that's her own, even if it is nothing more than a set of drawers, a closet, or a certain bit of floor space. 3. [b]Parents have the responsibility to keep their children safe and the right to worry about them.[/b] Most teens will actively oppose parental rules that they think are arbitrary (for example, having to wear their hair a certain way). But they are much more accepting of rules that are clearly intended to keep them safe. Young children depend on their parents to protect them from the dangers of the world. Older children and teens need less protection, but still want to feel that they are watched over and loved, even if they pretend not to care. When a curfew, for instance, is framed in light of this rule, teens are more likely to accept it: "You have to be home by 10 at night, because the streets aren't safe after that. If you haven't come home or at least called by 10, I'm going to worry." 4. [b]Everyone has to help with the work of the family.[/b] Whether you divide up the work using a formal schedule or everyone just pitches in when they can, the principle here is that everyone in the family helps out with housework and other chores--doing the dishes, taking out the garbage, cleaning up the bathrooms, raking the leaves, sorting the laundry, and so on. You might want to call a family meeting to help divvy up the chores: Teens, as well as school-age children, often feel very strongly about fairness. They are more likely to do their chores without complaining if they believe that it's the fair thing to do rather than if they are simply following orders. 5. [b]School work is a priority.[/b] In almost every family, parents expect their adolescents to try hard in school so that they will be ready to enter the wider world of college or work. The Law of Exchange here is that parents will do what they can to find good schools, work with the teachers, and help their children in whatever ways they can. In return, parents can expect an honest effort from their children. Of course, there are real-world limitations: Not every child has access to a good school (a shameful reality in the richest country in the world!), and not all parents have the time and resources to provide all the help a child needs. But both parents and teens can agree to try, so that teens can succeed not only at home, but in life as well. [/QUOTE]
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