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House Rules? Ideas needed
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 65380" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Matt'sMom has got the list closest to our own. Basically, it comes down to mutual respect and consideration for others as a standout requirement, something that must be learned and practised to live in normal society.</p><p></p><p>MUTUAL RESPECT covers a lot of ground. It covers language, manner, mode of communication, respect for others' property and respect for own property, respect for communal space.</p><p></p><p>MUTUAL SUPPORT means working as a team to keep the home environment as pleasant and functional as possible. This means helping and working together on washing, cleaning, food preparation, gardening, maintenance - whatever is required. Working as a team is good - we each do what we can, within our limitations. I know difficult child 1 functions best when I give him a task sheet in writing. difficult child 3 works best when we work alongside each other, with me directing each small step. I put the plants in the garden and he fills the watering can and waters the plants.</p><p></p><p>MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY means we each take personal responsibility for our actions especially where they impact on others. We especially have to consider any harm or distress we cause to others in the home and family. It also means making recompense when needed (for example, if someone breaks an item belonging to someone else, they must replace it or at least discuss replacing it with the item's owner).</p><p></p><p>Personal space is also important but in some cases, especially where trust has been broken, personal space is no longer a right.</p><p></p><p>The rules that are most important are the ones they need to use automatically when they begin to live independently. If you work with your adult or almost-adult child as if they are flatmates and not your offspring, you often do better. It also is more effective as a teaching tool, since it is good practice for their future independence.</p><p>Example: we have a practice in our home of keeping an up-to-date shopping list. We shop according to the list and anything we failed to get is immediately written down on the next list. As an item is opened, it is put on the list. If the last item of a consumable (such as milk, eggs, bread) is used then the person responsible for the housekeeping at the time (usually me) gets told about it immediately so emergency replacement can be organised as soon as possible. Considering the needs of others is paramount - Dad needs his muesli for breakfast and he is the major breadwinner, so always leave enough milk for his breakfast and cup of tea. This means no making milkshakes late at night with the last of the milk. If you think you'll want milkshakes, then get to the shop before it shuts and buy more milk.</p><p></p><p>The flip side of this example - I can show consideration to house members the same way. Example: BF2 likes buying a White Hot Chocolate from a certain café. It's expensive, he really can't afford it. So when I last went shopping I found a packet of white chocolate sachets to make hot chocolate with, and bought them. difficult child 1 saw it and said, "Wow! I like that too," so now I have two people at home who will drink it. I made it clear, though, that it's also for BF2 to take to work, so he can get himself some refreshment at work without spending a fortune at the café.</p><p>If someone in the house wants to try a certain product and it's no big deal, I will get it. Want a different breakfast cereal? Of course, when the old cereal is finished up. It's what husband & I would do for each other, and by showing this sort of respect we are trying to set an example of how to live in harmony.</p><p></p><p>It's not perfect, things go wrong. But this is the baseline we come back to. And if the kids learn to treat other people with respect, they then have a better chance of being respected. Here's hoping!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 65380, member: 1991"] Matt'sMom has got the list closest to our own. Basically, it comes down to mutual respect and consideration for others as a standout requirement, something that must be learned and practised to live in normal society. MUTUAL RESPECT covers a lot of ground. It covers language, manner, mode of communication, respect for others' property and respect for own property, respect for communal space. MUTUAL SUPPORT means working as a team to keep the home environment as pleasant and functional as possible. This means helping and working together on washing, cleaning, food preparation, gardening, maintenance - whatever is required. Working as a team is good - we each do what we can, within our limitations. I know difficult child 1 functions best when I give him a task sheet in writing. difficult child 3 works best when we work alongside each other, with me directing each small step. I put the plants in the garden and he fills the watering can and waters the plants. MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY means we each take personal responsibility for our actions especially where they impact on others. We especially have to consider any harm or distress we cause to others in the home and family. It also means making recompense when needed (for example, if someone breaks an item belonging to someone else, they must replace it or at least discuss replacing it with the item's owner). Personal space is also important but in some cases, especially where trust has been broken, personal space is no longer a right. The rules that are most important are the ones they need to use automatically when they begin to live independently. If you work with your adult or almost-adult child as if they are flatmates and not your offspring, you often do better. It also is more effective as a teaching tool, since it is good practice for their future independence. Example: we have a practice in our home of keeping an up-to-date shopping list. We shop according to the list and anything we failed to get is immediately written down on the next list. As an item is opened, it is put on the list. If the last item of a consumable (such as milk, eggs, bread) is used then the person responsible for the housekeeping at the time (usually me) gets told about it immediately so emergency replacement can be organised as soon as possible. Considering the needs of others is paramount - Dad needs his muesli for breakfast and he is the major breadwinner, so always leave enough milk for his breakfast and cup of tea. This means no making milkshakes late at night with the last of the milk. If you think you'll want milkshakes, then get to the shop before it shuts and buy more milk. The flip side of this example - I can show consideration to house members the same way. Example: BF2 likes buying a White Hot Chocolate from a certain café. It's expensive, he really can't afford it. So when I last went shopping I found a packet of white chocolate sachets to make hot chocolate with, and bought them. difficult child 1 saw it and said, "Wow! I like that too," so now I have two people at home who will drink it. I made it clear, though, that it's also for BF2 to take to work, so he can get himself some refreshment at work without spending a fortune at the café. If someone in the house wants to try a certain product and it's no big deal, I will get it. Want a different breakfast cereal? Of course, when the old cereal is finished up. It's what husband & I would do for each other, and by showing this sort of respect we are trying to set an example of how to live in harmony. It's not perfect, things go wrong. But this is the baseline we come back to. And if the kids learn to treat other people with respect, they then have a better chance of being respected. Here's hoping! Marg [/QUOTE]
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