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House Rules? Ideas needed
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 65587" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>That reference on his phone sounds to me like trying to big-note himself to someone. Very silly, very immature. Like saying, "Look at me, I'm riding down the road with no brakes and no hands on the wheel!"</p><p></p><p>Why would he feel he needs to do that? Is his self-esteem THAT low?</p><p></p><p>The rules I suggested are part of a maturing process. They are also very much a broad overview. We have a lot of small rules underneath, which apply mainly to our household because of how things work for us (like the shopping list). But they come back to the basic summaries - mutual responsibility, mutual respect and mutual support. Problems with difficult kids can also be covered by these rules - including having to sleep with your door locked because he hasn't yet grasped the importance of mutual respect.</p><p></p><p>It's like that bit in the New Testament when Jesus is asked which of the commandments is the most important (the idea being to trick him into saying 'this one', or 'that one') and he ends up SUMMARISING the lot, in just two. Brilliant. And easy to remember. If you can apply a similar principle to house rules, it makes it easier to understand WHY when you're presenting the more specific clauses (such as "We are going to check your room to make sure you're not doing anything you shouldn't; and regular, random drug tests"). This is part of working towards mutual trust (which connects to support, responsibility and respect).</p><p></p><p>What I propose as a suggestion - have the overview rules writ large. These should provide some level of 'cover', as explanation for WHY things are to be done the way they are done. Then have the other rules, the more specific ones, mapped out as a contract. Don't make it too hard to police, nor too hard to enforce. Don't give yourself too much work, in other words. This has to be something which can work in a practical way.</p><p></p><p>The overview rules set the concept. The specific rules make it clearer, give examples as well as consequences. Natural consequences work well here too, as long as they can be seen to result from breaking the rules. For example, if I'm preparing the evening meal and I'm expecting people home at a certain time, and they don't show up, and hours have passed and I still haven't heard, I will ring the police, the hospitals, everybody. Failure to let me know that you won't be home for dinner is a huge infraction in our home, because it's showing lack or respect, lack of consideration for the others. It's failure to value the input of others into your life. The natural consequences - you have to deal with the police if they find you before I do; and if I get to you first, you're going to get an earful as well as less consideration from me next time you turn up for a meal unannounced. Your next meal is likely to be the warmed-up leftovers you should have had the night before.</p><p></p><p>When dealing with a problem child, trying to enforce rules is even more of a problem. It can become a competition between you, with him trying to find a way to bend the rules (smugly) and not break them. Having the principles in broad available for him, cuts back on rule bending viability.</p><p>If it gets to the competitive stage, you've probably already lost. You will need to drastically change strategy. You need to have consequences you can stick to - not easy. You have to think of your child as a difficult flatmate, rather than offspring. Just pretend you have a flatmate who is a junkie. Lock up your valuables but if they pay the rent on time, they can stay. If they don't pay the rent and keep raiding the food kitty, they're out.</p><p></p><p>I was watching Judge Judy this afternoon. Interesting case - a woman advertised two mobile phones on eBay, with the covering text, "what is available is the picture you see."</p><p>Then the winning bidder was horrified when, after sending hundreds of dollars, all she got back were photographs of the two mobile phones. And not good photos, either.</p><p>The text was worded ambiguously, deliberately to mislead, but was it legal? </p><p>There was sufficient clear evidence that the ad had to be worded to sufficiently imply that the phones themselves were available, that Judge Judy was able to rule in favour of the woman who tried to buy the mobile phones. The eBay ad had listed specs for the 'items' which included the dimensions and weights of the phones and the photos clearly did not provide those specifications.</p><p>The trouble is, difficult children who are trying to avoid following rules are going to be like the eBay seller who tried to scam. And if they win... heaven help you.</p><p>According to the episode, eBay had subsequently terminated the phone photo seller's accounts as a result of this and similar episodes - there were consequences.</p><p></p><p>There is the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law. A difficult child needs to learn the spirit of the law as well, if they're going to have a chance to genuinely learning to live a decent life.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 65587, member: 1991"] That reference on his phone sounds to me like trying to big-note himself to someone. Very silly, very immature. Like saying, "Look at me, I'm riding down the road with no brakes and no hands on the wheel!" Why would he feel he needs to do that? Is his self-esteem THAT low? The rules I suggested are part of a maturing process. They are also very much a broad overview. We have a lot of small rules underneath, which apply mainly to our household because of how things work for us (like the shopping list). But they come back to the basic summaries - mutual responsibility, mutual respect and mutual support. Problems with difficult kids can also be covered by these rules - including having to sleep with your door locked because he hasn't yet grasped the importance of mutual respect. It's like that bit in the New Testament when Jesus is asked which of the commandments is the most important (the idea being to trick him into saying 'this one', or 'that one') and he ends up SUMMARISING the lot, in just two. Brilliant. And easy to remember. If you can apply a similar principle to house rules, it makes it easier to understand WHY when you're presenting the more specific clauses (such as "We are going to check your room to make sure you're not doing anything you shouldn't; and regular, random drug tests"). This is part of working towards mutual trust (which connects to support, responsibility and respect). What I propose as a suggestion - have the overview rules writ large. These should provide some level of 'cover', as explanation for WHY things are to be done the way they are done. Then have the other rules, the more specific ones, mapped out as a contract. Don't make it too hard to police, nor too hard to enforce. Don't give yourself too much work, in other words. This has to be something which can work in a practical way. The overview rules set the concept. The specific rules make it clearer, give examples as well as consequences. Natural consequences work well here too, as long as they can be seen to result from breaking the rules. For example, if I'm preparing the evening meal and I'm expecting people home at a certain time, and they don't show up, and hours have passed and I still haven't heard, I will ring the police, the hospitals, everybody. Failure to let me know that you won't be home for dinner is a huge infraction in our home, because it's showing lack or respect, lack of consideration for the others. It's failure to value the input of others into your life. The natural consequences - you have to deal with the police if they find you before I do; and if I get to you first, you're going to get an earful as well as less consideration from me next time you turn up for a meal unannounced. Your next meal is likely to be the warmed-up leftovers you should have had the night before. When dealing with a problem child, trying to enforce rules is even more of a problem. It can become a competition between you, with him trying to find a way to bend the rules (smugly) and not break them. Having the principles in broad available for him, cuts back on rule bending viability. If it gets to the competitive stage, you've probably already lost. You will need to drastically change strategy. You need to have consequences you can stick to - not easy. You have to think of your child as a difficult flatmate, rather than offspring. Just pretend you have a flatmate who is a junkie. Lock up your valuables but if they pay the rent on time, they can stay. If they don't pay the rent and keep raiding the food kitty, they're out. I was watching Judge Judy this afternoon. Interesting case - a woman advertised two mobile phones on eBay, with the covering text, "what is available is the picture you see." Then the winning bidder was horrified when, after sending hundreds of dollars, all she got back were photographs of the two mobile phones. And not good photos, either. The text was worded ambiguously, deliberately to mislead, but was it legal? There was sufficient clear evidence that the ad had to be worded to sufficiently imply that the phones themselves were available, that Judge Judy was able to rule in favour of the woman who tried to buy the mobile phones. The eBay ad had listed specs for the 'items' which included the dimensions and weights of the phones and the photos clearly did not provide those specifications. The trouble is, difficult children who are trying to avoid following rules are going to be like the eBay seller who tried to scam. And if they win... heaven help you. According to the episode, eBay had subsequently terminated the phone photo seller's accounts as a result of this and similar episodes - there were consequences. There is the letter of the law, and the spirit of the law. A difficult child needs to learn the spirit of the law as well, if they're going to have a chance to genuinely learning to live a decent life. Marg [/QUOTE]
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