"Houston, we have a problem!"

[LittleDudesMom]

So, after five months of really settling into middle school, difficult child had his first referral today . I got a call from his 1:1 this afternoon where he and difficult child were sitting in the office waiting for the principal. Seems difficult child was at the printer in class waiting for his paper. Another boy, one he never had any conflict with, got up on him and put his face in front of difficult child. difficult child told him to "back away". Other kid figured, this is 1:1's take, that difficult child wasn't going to tell him what to do so he shoved difficult child in the back. difficult child turned around and shoved him back and turned back to the printer. Kid then grabbed difficult child from behind and difficult child turned in his arms and the started to tussle !! 1:1 said it all happened in seconds and he was there in the middle before anything really happened. It was difficult child's idea to go and speak with the principal because he believed he was "set upon".

The teacher let 1:1 handle it because they really caught it before anything more than a shove each happened. So I spoke to difficult child and he sounded calm by that time and was waiting for the principal to return. While we were talking, the principal returned and difficult child said, "mom, I gotta go, Mr. K is here." He sounded find, believing he was in his rights by a defense of self defense.

So, I get a call about 30 mintues later from difficult child's case manager and she said we need to have a meeting to do a BIP. I told her difficult child had one. I told her I gave her a copy of it the first time we met in September. Apparently she could not put her hands on it and it was hand-written so is not part of his computer file. She said that since they couldn't find it and he didn't (they thought) have one, he was put in ISS for three days rather than automatic suspension for fighting!

So we proceeded to find a day and time to meet, she wanted to do it fast, fast, fast. I have a busy week and can't get to it until next week (the kids are off on Friday). The principal was walking through her office and asked to speak with me. We talked for awhile and I let him know I had spoken to 1:1. I asked him what difficult child's reaction was when he told him he had to spend the next few days in ISS. He said that difficult child actually handled himself really well. He didn't shut down, explained everything and shared his opinion.

He said that he told both boys that fighting was usually an automatic suspension, but since he didn't have his paperwork in order, it would be iss instead. Naturally, difficult child would rather have regular suspension and stay home.

He is plagued with feelings of unfairness because he feels he responded in self defence. Now, the principal said that since difficult child had a 1:1, he was leaving it up to the 1:1 in regards to his length of physical presence in the "third floor iss room with a uniformed officer". His tech teacher has offered his room and the library is also an option for some of the time.

difficult child has told me in the past about the third floor as a place where the bad kids go . When I told difficult child he could have gone "down" and yelled for help he told me everyone would think is was a wuss (sp). He said he was just defending himself.

I told him that I would not punish him at home on the condition that he compliantly went to the third floor and "did his time" and was respectful. I also told him that I expected him to learn from this and just move on. there are always other options.

Just this weekend in our town two young men got into a fight after eating. They took the fight outside the little bistro and were really going at it. 911 was called and one of the guys ended up in the hospital. Then, Sunday afternoon, he died. I told difficult child this story. I told him you always have options and what the most important thing to remember is that you have a choice.

We have talked on and off this evening. He's not happy, but I told him that's life.

Perhaps it will be a really strong lesson. It is his first suspension since October of 2004 (his third grade year) and his first ISS ever. He is really unhappy .

I hope this has a positive outcome.

Sharon

 

[klmno]

This sounds like a page out of my book! It's a great sign that he seems not to be shrugging this off- I hope he learns to tell somebody right away. I agree that they should be able to defend themselves and your difficult child was set up, but they don't do things that way in school these days, I guess.

Welcome to middle school!! (That wasn't meant to be mean-I really hope he can learn to do things "their way")

 

[daralex]

Schools ****! Good for you for standing up and having difficult child's back! He'll appreciate it more than you know - (you probably do already know) Keep fighting they **** and you rule - yes, immature, but that's the situation they've put you in - sorry - just embracing the immaturaty of the moment!
_dara

 

[totoro]

Well he does sound mature!!! More than a lot of these kids in school! It sounds like he handled it fairly well considering how kids are. Know what I mean?? Especially with the Wuss factor. The fact that he cares about going to the 3rd floor says a lot!

 

[Wiped Out]

Sharon,
I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like difficult child handled it really well. I think you also handled it really well It does seem to me that three days is a long time for what happened. I hope he handles the ISS as best as possible. Hugs.

 

[flutterbee]

I'm unclear...did the other boy get 3 days ISS as well? The instigator should get a longer 'sentence', in my opinion.

It was the same way when I was in school. In New York, it didn't matter who started it, both got suspended the same amount of time which I never understood. That was also where I lived the one and only time I got sent to the office. A girl slapped me and I decked her. It was a reaction, honestly. I didn't even think about, I just reacted. We didn't get suspended, though, cause it surprised the heck out of the girl when I hit back and she gave the principal a sob story about how we had been best friends, blah, blah, blah. Apparently, the principal was a sucker for a crying girl. I was just sitting there in amazement at the acting job this girl pulled off.

In Georgia, the 'victim' was allowed one punch. LOL Any more than that and they got in as much trouble as the instigator.

In any case, I'm proud of how difficult child handled himself.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

I too was wondering if the other child got iss. Hope this turns into a positive.

bEth

 

[busywend]

LDM, sorry to hear about difficult children scuffle. I hope he does not turn negative from the feelings of being treated unfairly.

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Hey ladies, thanks!

Yes, the other boy was put in ISS as well. Busy, that is my fear as well - that this could turn negative and he could back slide. He was doing so darn gone well.

But, I guess I need to just let go a little of that fear a little. I think we parents of difficult child can sometimes overanalyze. I don't think it's unusual for two boys to shove each other. It's a difficult child and a easy child thing. Thanks goodness it got stopped before anything further happend. I'm going to make sure that he has a good breakfast and is happy this morning!!!!!

Thanks for your support. It means a lot.

Sharon

 

[timer lady]

Sharon,

Sorry to hear of difficult children troubles yesterday. It doesn't sound like the whole picture is clear. I am impressed with his response, however. He doesn't like it but he's facing the consequences.

 

[jannie]

I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like difficult child is handling the consequence pretty well--Personally I think 3 days ISS is way too long for a first offense...In the big picture he has had an amazing start to middle school--good for difficult child.

 

[meowbunny]

Another vote for the ISS being too long but it certainly beats a complete suspension. That he doesn't like the third floor is good. Remind him that not every kid who goes up there is a bad kid, just sometimes a kid who does something stupid one time or makes a poor judgment call and learns from it. Maybe watch The Breakfast Club together so he can see that good kids can be put on suspension (unless it would give him ideas what stunts to pull?)?

 

[nvts]

Sharon! You have so much to be proud of! Most kids would explode, difficult child or not, and things would have really gotten out of hand.

Although 3 days is a long time, make sure that he understands that it could have been worse. There's zero tolerance for physical contact and I think that this is what the Principal is trying to put across.

Me personally, I think that if I was principal, the instigator would have gotten 3 and difficult child would have gotten 1. If you're cut and dry the aggressor, you should have: 1 day for starting it, 1 day for physical contact, and 1 day for just being a jerk. But hey, that's me!

Great job!

Beth

 

[mom23gsfg]

i just had two quick questions what is BIP and 1:1?
my son has an iep but ive never heard of bip and a 1:1?

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Jessica,

Hi. A BIP stands for Behavior Intervention Plan. If a child has history of behavior or anxiety issues, the team meets to do a Functional Behavior Analysis (or FBA). This indentifies the triggers that set off issues for your child like time of the day, class period, particular kids, etc. Then you write the BIP.

The BIP lists what has worked in the past, or what will be tried in the future, to lessen the severity and the number of incidents. My son's original BIP, written four years ago, contained safe places he could go when he found himself getting frustrated, rewards for good choices, classroom alternatives (when in second grade his teacher would let him go sit by the fish tank and feed the fish or go to the reading center and sit on a beanbag chair and look at a book) and expectations for improved behavior.

The BIP is given to all administors, staff, and teachers who come in contact with your son. If your child has an incident and the BIP was not followed, normal code of conduct punishments cannot be given.

It's a great thing to have since you are on the team that offers suggestions on the BIP.

A 1:1 is a "personal aide" or paraprofessional (could be a crisis intervention aide, a behaviorial aide, a medical aide, an academic aide, etc.) that shadows your child through the day. They can be there for only certain classes or all day. My son has his 1:1 all day. We had a manifestation hearing to get him an aide the summer before he went to fourth grade. It has been a wonderful thing for him and a great destressor for me!

Sharon

 

[Jena]

im sorry i'm jumping in so so late on this one.

i'm sorry but i totally feel for him i do because kids in school can be such a horror and he's right if he didn't defend himself the other kids would make fun of him ive seen it happen. its a nightmare the choices their left to make everyday.


i see your point with lesson learned though, the fight outside of bistro yup that's scarey adn there is always a choice. it's a hard hard choice for a boy to make though.


see i'm like a baby when it comes to this stuff because he didnt' throw down first the other kid did and he even verbalized back off which was beautiful he could of just decked him. see and now he'll be on scarey floor too doing his time.

well it'll make him stronger and hopefully make him think more next time. but that other kid should be doing double the time.......

it's good i'm not a teacher, right?? LOL

Jen

i'm so sorry he's sad though, all kidding aside i hate to see that. being a boy in that situation is not easy. let us know how he's doing up there on 3...

 

[TheOnlyMe]

I have a problem with zero tolerance! I understand the concept dont get me wrong but when our kids are grown and they DEFEND themselves they will not be punished as long as they didnt instigate it. Yet in public ed system we teach them you are in trouble regardless if you started, regardless if you were defending yourself, regardless if you were being harrassed, regardless if you didnt tell anyone. Discipline is to change a behavior and my son has been suspended so many times in 12 yrs of school I don't even know how many times. Has the suspension changed the behavior? No but it has caused him not to TRUST the teachers, and the principals because they fail him by the choices for discipline based upon Zero tolerance. He is not a fighter will not start it but once his red eyes are on... it on like donkey kong, five adult men cant stop him... I try to tell them NIP it in the bud.. but in a 5A school or even a 1A they are ALWAYS reactive and not proactive.

I have several parents in my support group children with "tickets for disorderly conduct" . Some don't even get an attorney and the justice of their county just doesn't even consider the disability!! I am not advocating a free pass for choices but consideration of was the child medication compliant? was the child in a medication change? was there a history with other participant? Wharton county got a grant for mental health court!!!

It is high time for this!!
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