How About this MOM???...(oh my my my)

[buddy]

Q is getting ready to go out to Applebees for his birthday dinner with my family. I asked if he wants us to sing Happy Birthday. (Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't.....)

He first said he will plug his ears. I said I have earplugs for you... he said How about this mom, I will go to the bathroom and then you guys sing to me and I will come back????

He wants it but doesn't want to have to endure the pain.... Poor Q LOL

 

[StressedM0mma]

I love that idea! Sometimes I love how our difficult child's think

 

[TeDo]

I can so appreciate the concept. Hope he had fun!!

 

[JJJ]

How about singing it in your "whisper" voices?

Happy Birthday Q!!!!!!!!

 

[DaisyFace]

Maybe you should learn the song in sign language?

 

[buddy]

Daisy, I am fluent in ASL and we have deaf people around us a lot of the time... he gets very triggered by sign language too.. just gets so mad exactly like oral language. LOL I wish that would work... we just didn't do it. He blurted swears out all night which was worse than any other time I have gone out with him... give me that you b and what the f etc... on and on. But most of the time he was quiet. then at the transition time...several went to the restroom and he swore at my sisters all teh way there and shoved my mom (I wasn't there so not sure if they were telling him to stop and so he got physical... that usually happens esp with my youngest sister) and so my middle sister told me that my youngest sister told q he couldnt' have his birthday gift and they drove away.
It was a gift they had all gone in on. I guess it is her choice. He said from the beginning he wanted me to talk fo rhim etc. He really wanted this, it was all his idea but I have decided we are not going to do any group or family things for a long time. It is too much for him.

when my sister N asked me how I wanted to handle that I said nothing. What could I say? The decision was made. He was not getting a gift. I have never done that to any of their kids when they were bratty (and they are good kids but even tonight were KIDS, laughing too much, saying inappropriate things etc. But you can tell them to stop and they can.

I have mixed feelings. I wonder how they handled his swearing while he was walking to the rest rooms (that would be a guarantee time for swearing lately) so if they said anything to stop him he would for sure get physical. I wish they would let it roll off their backs a little more.. no one was around.

But I dont think he should get a reward for acting like that either. Just really a bummer.

I wish she would have left it to me I guess... I never make parenting decisions for her. She often does for me... just escalates him constantly. I wish it wasn't so but she just does not have the patience or ability to see the bigger picture with her own anxiety and two kids who have more minor issues but issues none-the-less.

Oh well, it was theirs not to give. He didn't even know they had it though... they could just have not brought it up. She had to say that they ahd a present ( an electric scooter) for them in the car but he can't have it now. He will likely be even worse next time he sees them because he will be angry and hurt and upset.

Should I keep him home tomorrow? He has had issues since Sat late night and now today... only when we are around other people... He wants to use his new fm system again at school but I wonder if he is going to be too blurty not to be kicked out. Mondays are always the worst days.

 

[TerryJ2]

LOL! Love the singing and going to the bathroom idea.

Don't know what to say ... I suspect it will bother him more not to go. Maybe talk it out for about 15 min. right after school?
Best of luck.

 

[TeDo]

I am so sorry you have a sister like my mother. They go for maximum punishment. As for school tomorrow, wouldn't keeping him home just postpone the inevitable? By the way, tomorrow is the official full moon. difficult child 1 had the full moon syndrome today. It is soooo predictable.

Sorry it didn't go so well. I agree with limiting family stuff for awhile. That's what we've had to do.

 

[lovelyboy]

Oh Buddy....I can just emagine the situation!!!!! My heart brakes for him.....it is unforgiveable to tell ANY child you will not give his prezzie!!!!! Poor Q must have been so confused by all this!!!!!!
Keeping him at home.....in my heart I would say yes, but I know this could lead to all kinds of future problems!!!! Maybe give him something special to keep in his pocket to remind him of your love....or maybe give him something to look forward to after coming home from school, like Mc Donalds treat?
I just love his thinking regarding the singing!!!!! Shame mommy, he was trying to solve this problem!!!! hugs for today!'

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sorry it didn't go so well. I agree with limiting family stuff for awhile. That's what we've had to do.

Ditto.

Whether they understand or not.
But its tricky - because your family is at least somewhat supportive, and you're running solo...
(There's two of us... and family works totally against, so it was an easier decision)

Q has to be "sick" more often - not able to make it work this time?

 

[StressedM0mma]

Buddy, I am so sorry things didn't go well at dinner tonight. I don't know how toanswer the going to school issue. I know how it feels to panic everytime the phone rings wondering. I hope today is better.

 

[rdland]

I am sorry it did not go better. I would take him to school but stay for awhile to see how he does to see if he can handle it or not.

Poor guy has to be somconfusednover the present. If she did not want to give it she should have never brought it up and make things worse. I have a sister in law like that and it drives me crazy.

 

[Malika]

Oh boy.... I felt really sad reading your post. I wish people could have more sensitivity and wisdom. It is the way it is, and people can only go as far as they can. I wish Q could have got his electric scooter anyway... For heaven's sake, do people think he is like a neuro-typical child who just decided to misbehave? But I know, I know... it's so difficult to understand and tolerate, and I myself have difficulty at times (often?) with my own son so...
Just. Hugs.

 

[Bunny]

I'm sorry that the night did not go better for Q, and I think that it was terrible for your sister to say that they brought him a gift but were not going to give it to him. To me, that just sets him up for failure the next time you are all together because he is going to remember this.

 

[susiestar]

I am so sorry. Maybe next time it is this sister's birthday you should find fault with the way she speaks to Q and tell her that she doesn't get a gift because of it. I wish I was joking.

 

[buddy]

I agree, it all happened so fast, as we were leaving so people were walking to cars and going to the rest room etc.... It all just happened and I was focused on getting him into my car and home to calm down.

He asked me to pull over while driving out, he got out and ran over to my sister's car and said sorry to all of them.... I heard him call out to me... mom I did already say sorry to nana right? and I said yes you did so I suspect that was their answer when he said he was sorry. They always do accept his apology. NONE of the kids went off on him today and that was a refresher. I think my other sister told the kids this was Q's day and to just move away if he is bugging them. (we ended up with three kids sitting by us by the end of hte night, lol.

Q just loves his family. They love him too, tons of hugs and kisses and no one else can say or do anything against him.. they will back him up. But this sister has big time difficult child issues herself. Always drama, always stress, she is the one a while back I told you guys was pregnant again and having an abortion... then she lost the baby anyway.... then right after she was evicted from her apt. then got that back,...her daughter has major fits and is now going to a "social skils" group at school because she is so bossy. She is always being torn between her mom and her dad both of whom love her but my sister days ugly things about her dad... the reason? she feels bad for her son who is older and does not have a dad... doesn't want him to feel badly that daughter gets to have so much from her dad. she KNOWS that is wrong, it is just how she feels... she gets mad at herself too.

she has always been a drama queen and very self centered,.... she loves really deeply, I have no doubt of her love for Q. she just has no ability to think things thru before she acts. She responds to him as if he was her son and forgets that he really does not have the ability to do better at those times. She just really feels he has to "learn". and it was hard for me I suppose because it felt just like admin at school... one way to handle it and that is the only way. Just makes me sad.

I have a few little pimples and wonder if I finally am getting my cycle back since the stopping of it when Q entered psychiatric hospital. I have that overall, even commercials on tv make me cry, sad feeling... so this has been hard to sort through. I have to make priorities because tomorrow I have to deal with this whole school assessment thing and the swimming issue will come up tomorrow too.


and by the way....LOL (not) I already have a call from school by 10 a.m. today. LUckily Q just forgot his snack bag and asked them to call to see if I woudl bring it. I never do if he refuses to take something then calls later, but this time he had it in his hand and just set it down when putting his shoes on and it was sitting right where he left it so I never cause a power struggle over that stuff. Plus he clearly needs the food. I did talk to him about eating one thing then waiting an hour before eating another thing... dont wait till you are hungery then eat everything and have nothing for later. Who knows, just trying to see if he will try.

They said he is using the FM system today and likes it so if nothing else that should be good, that he likes it.

 

[susiestar]

Q is just so very sweet. I am glad they always forgive him. It may be hard to see now, but knowing Q and going through these tough times and behaviors is actually good for your nieces and nephews. Odd, cause how can being around someone who swears, pushes and cannot behave appropriately actually be GOOD for someone? They are all learning patience and tolerance and generosity. These things will end up making them AMAZING people and parents. Isn't that wonderful?

Something you said might make it easier for you to discuss this challenge/problem with your sister. Does she have any self-awareness of her problems?

she just has no ability to think things thru before she acts. She responds to him as if he was her son and forgets that he really does not have the ability to do better at those times. She just really feels he has to "learn".

It sounds like Q isn't the only one who just really has to "learn".

This might help her gain insight into her behavior, problems and the toll this is taking on her nephew. If at all possible, call Q "your nephew" when you talk about this. Not "my son" or "Q", but put the belonging/possession/ownership onto her. Ask her, at a private time, to imagine when she was Q's age and what control she had. Also ask how she would have felt if your aunt had told Sister what sister told Q last night.

NOT wanting to psychologize, just to maybe help you help her see how her actions are hurting him and you know she does NOT mean to do that.

If saying this like this is out of anger/being upset in an angry way, I have a book selection. It has a definite Christian tone, and if you are not Christian then it mght be a problem. But the info s very ehlpful, in my opinion, or at least it was for me. "She's Gonna BLow: Real Help For Moms Dealing With Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill was a big help to me. It helped me identify the physical signs that I was getting angry. Once I learned them then it was possible for me to work out how to identify them in the moment to stop or at least halt the mommy meltdown. It was one of the only books I had on anger that didn't just blah blah blah about being angry and having anger. It actually said that when you are angry, your body does this and that and the other. Before you are angry your body is doing this, the ohter, something else, and a tapdance. Once I figured out how my body felt when I was angry it was a miracle. I could see the signs and take a time out or whatever was needed at the time. Before the book? I exploded all over everyone and everywhere and the people in the tables all around us. It might be owrth suggesting or giving her a copy.

Here is an amazon search for the book: Amazon.com: She's Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger (9780736915526): Julie Ann Barnhill: Books It is on the kindle, and used is about $2 plus shipping from amazon marketplace. OF course check other sites/bookstores, if you are interested. I just thought it might be helpful.

 

[buddy]

Thanks Susie, your input is really thoughtful and I have taken it to heart. I will look at that. Interestingly, she has become very much part of her church etc. She is not one of those preachy types but does use her faith to help her improve. she is well aware that she has lots of work to do and that is why it is hard sometimes to come down too hard on her... but I will protect Q better from now on. With all she goes through, she went to school and worked her way off assistance and is raising two kids on her own. I do admire that. She is just very difficult child. There was a period of years we as a family knew if we went anywhere, she would either show up already upset or end up upset during the activity. I finally got snarky and would anticipate it... I checked myself and tried to love her thru it and I have to say that has improved to a great extent. One complicating dynamic is that she is 13 years younger than I. She was MY baby (my mom was a great mom, but I made her my baby....I just loved her so much and she was born the day before my birthday). So I took her everywhere and did everything with her. MY high school and college friends knew we came as a set. So I probably dont have as much objectivity as I should have. That said... DONT mess with my kid.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh I imagine you do have a complicated relationship with your sister. Her being "your" baby and all. For most of her life she probably idolized you and when you grew up and away it probably was so hard on her. I cant imagine.

 

[buddy]

she used to be devastated when I left for college each month after a visit.. would stand at the door making the saddest face ever. I let her come stay in the dorms with me and everything. Yeah... really I do have very nice sisters. They care about people and if any one of us was in trouble we all show up immediately. But we have our family drama of course... each one of us has lived thru some icky stuff. I am so glad I have sisters though... I always wanted a brother when younger, but sisters are amazing. I still have to work up to talking to her about this though because he is going thru a rough patch and it is not going to end soon.