How am I gonna do this?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Steely, May 6, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am sorta flipping out over the next step in my life.

    I have pretty much put difficult child on hold for the last 6 months. It started when I picked up my career again in Nov., after 3 years of staying home with him and homeschooling him. When he turned 16, I had pretty much had had it, and I went back to work, and set him up with GED classes. Then my sister unexpectedly and tragically died in Feb. I have done nothing since then except cope & try to be a manager in a new company. Meanwhile difficult child has morphed into a WOW zombie, and does nothing but sleep, play games, and eat.

    I know I have to get back on track with difficult child, and so I have been quietly reminding him that GED classes start in June, again, and that he needs to be there. I know that this time has been hard not just for me, but for difficult child. His Aunt dies, his Mom goes back to work, and he is left to fend for himself. In addition bio-dad who had recently come back into his life after being gone for 12 years, has disappeared again.............and his grandpa has cancer. But yet, during all of this - the last 6 months - difficult child has been a gem in his behavior. So much so, that I kinda have ignored the fact that he is turning into a zombie, because, heck, there is peace. However, I know this is not the route for long term success.

    So tonight, I started to lay down some limits. And he blew, like Mt Vesiuvius. As if he had been waiting all 6 months to call me every name in the book. All I could think about was how. How am I gonna do this now? How am I gonna move on with him, and my life, when I know the fire I am gonna have to endure?

    All I can think about is my dad being sick, and my mom talking about "her & my dad's will, my only baby sister's will, my grandmothers will". All I can think about it is that my sister is gone, and will never be back, and we don't even know how she died. And my career, and how I need to do XYZ to be a good "new manager" and fly to Seattle soon. And difficult child, and how if I don't do something soon - he will be a lost - but yet, can I endure yet another difficult child saga? Another difficult child epic when I have SO many other things pressing on me?

    I am seriously not sure how to proceed. I want to ignore difficult child and let him abscond into no man's land, it is just so much easier. Yet, I want him to be ultimately be successful, and happy, and I am doing him no favors by letting him morph into nothing. I just do not feel like I can endure the process. I feel like I might crack.

    I hope I posted this in the right forum. If not, moderators, feel free to move me.
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Can I just add, that I really do not know how I am gonna go back to being a difficult child Mom with-out my sister. She was/is the only one who really knew. Really knew.

    OMG, I miss her. Like if you poured asphalt over my entire body, the pain would not be equivocal to this, kinda pain.

    I think God must think I am invincible.

    How am supposed to be the Mom that enforces all of life's natural consequences kinda Mom?
    You are kicked out because you have no job, no education?
    I have to endure all of that wrath and anger all by myself?
    And no, the grandparents are of no help, although they are my parents, they are dysfunctional and difficult child will not talk to them.

    OK, I am done venting.
    I know I will make it, because I always have.
    But dammit.
    I have movie rights, or a book, or something coming.
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    I am overwhelmed at all you have on your plate. I think the answer is going to have to come from you - you know your limits and how much pressure you can stand, and you also know best your priorities.

    Just kind of thinking outside the box - is difficult child willing to get a job? Hmmm... a "willing" difficult child... :rofl: OK, maybe "willing" isn't the right word, but is that a battle you could fight and possibly win? The carrot of him having money as well as possibly putting some responsibility on his shoulders in terms of contributing something some*where*. I agree a GED is necessary but I'm wondering if from his viewpoint there's no payoff, whereas maybe he might see one with employment? And then maybe in June, or in the fall, nudge him into GED classes, once he's in the goove (hopefully) of doing something besides vegging out?? I don't know... just a thought, trying to find path of least resistance without completely enabling his zombie ways?

    I've been pushing thank you really hard the last 10 months or so - 18 is just around the corner, living at home is not an option, what is *he* going to do about it because it's not my problem. I've taken just earfuls of flack from him and seen some lovely new difficult child behaviors but tonight for the first time *ever*, he was trying to figure it out. I think it's finally sinking in.

    I don't think it would be unreasonable to point out to your son that 18 is right around the corner for him too - what is he going to do with his life, because he sure can't expect to just play games in your home for the rest of his life. I know it's harsh, at least I sure do feel like the grinch when I have to repeatedly remind thank you that he will never live here again, but at the same time, our boys need to start thinking and acting like men. I will not rescue, I will not enable. I will be *more* than happy to help him if he's making positive steps in the right direction, but I will not financially support him nor will I put a roof over his head. He's been warned. It's his turn to create an adult life.

    Your son needs to start taking responsibility for his own life. Heaven knows, Steely, we've done our best to prepare and teach and treat them. I guess what I'm saying is I think maybe set the limits and expectations (in our house it's out at 18/HS graduation unless they're in college), stay firm, ask if he needs help preparing for the expectations, and then stand back but be prepared to follow thru.

    Just my opinion. Please remember to take care of yourself - extra special TLC.
  4. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    oh sweetie, <<<HUGS>>>

    I never realized how much our difficult child's were alike. Eat, sleep, computer and games and that's it.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, I do not have a bio sister but I have A cousin who I am close with and call my sister.

    I know without these boards I would be so lost. Know we're all here for you.

  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sue had some good ideas. I wish I had some to add but am sending gentle hugs and saying some prayers that things with difficult child will go better than suspected.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I wish I could do more than just offer hugs. It would be hard to lose your best supporter.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think SLSH had some very good ideas. A working difficult child is sometimes an easier difficult least in my home.

    I know you want him to get his GED. Its important. But for some reason some of our difficult child's simply dont see the importance of that until its too late. Cory is a 9th grade dropout who has attempted to go back to school several times with no follow through on his part. However, he does work at least when he can manage to find a job...and his jobs have been quite good jobs. He started in construction as soon as he turned 18. He doesnt do well in other types of jobs. Right now he is working as some sort of electricians helper and making pretty good money. Its only been a little more than a week though so Im crossing my fingers he does well. He does have a bit more incentive though because a strict PO is standing behind

    Look for construction jobs because they dont require much in the way of eduction and they pay more than McDonalds.
  8. ChefPaula1965

    ChefPaula1965 Oh my aching back!!

    Wow, I am sorry but I have to been in the same boat as those who have no suggestions yet "feel your pain" and I am adding my hugs to you ..
    I don't think there is anything any body can say about the loss of a loved one....... just more big hugs, and my tears joining yours for the pain you are in.........
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    You haven't earned the name "Steely" for naught! You truly are strong. You just don't realize it.
    You will always hurt from the loss of your sister. But the edges will soften with-time. This is going to sound weird, but what the heck... sometimes when someone I need or love isn't around, I imagine they are talking to me, and their advice is crystal clear. I know them so well, I know what they would say. I suspect you knew your sister so well that you could guess what she would say in any circumstance. If I had a sister like that, I would imagine her standing behind me, her hand on my shoulder, saying, "Calm down. Let him finish raging. You're changing the rules so you have to expect him to rage. He'll get over it. Just take it one step at a time."
    Eventually, these thoughts will come to you on your own and BE your own. In fact, you already have clarity and reason, you just need to trust yourself. You've proven that you can move ahead because you just made the first move with-your difficult child. You know he needs to go back to get his GED and you have already begun to prepare him. Way To Go!
    I totally agree with-Sue about working. It doesn't have to be a huge, stressful job, in fact, it should probably be something easy with-few hrs. But it's a great carrot. He'll have his own $ and will learn pride that comes from accomplishment.
    He will also learn that Mom is not the only one who makes the rules, LOL!
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    UGH! Thanks guys! The job thing sounds so logical, but yet, because of all of his NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) issues that sounds a harder road to plow than school. I don't know.

    And yes, Terry, I think I will get to the point where I can talk to H. in my head in a crisis. Right now though, it just makes me cry even more because I miss her so much.

    I guess I will need to take small baby steps. Truthfully I do not want to do anything. I want to stay in my cave of denial about everything and never come out. I am sure once I peak my head from behind the rocks a couple of times, things will get easier.
  11. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It seems impossible to get through but you will. I lost my mom in October due to cancer and I know how you feel. She was also my bestfriend and a big source of family support when it came to difficult child. It's hard. I managed to stay on top on difficult child throughout the hardest months but I let myself go. I am now struggling to get back on track. Don't be too hard on yourself, do as much for difficult child as you can but at 16 it is time for him to take some of the ownership. I know it is easier said than done but if there is anyone who can help you get difficult child motiated ask for their support.

    Take care of yourself,