How am I supposed to do this???

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Dec 6, 2015.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Rain has showed up again.

    We were getting ready for boys concert. A happy event. I just picked up hubs from the hospital.
    Blossom and my grand were over.

    I was in my room and Blossom came in,

    "She's here."

    My heart sank.


    Blossom said

    " You go to the concert, I will stay here with Dad, I do not want to leave Dad alone with her."

    I shower, and my mind is racing. I come out and I overhear Blossom say to Rain
    "Dad just got out of the hospital."

    Rain answered
    "That makes two of us."


    The last time I saw her, she was high, going on about how she miraculously had just "found" the moped she was riding, on the road.
    "You would be surprised what college students throw away, lap tops, cell phones, I find all kinds of stuff in the dumpster."
    Uh huh, right, people just throw these things away.
    Then on and on about living homeless in the park, like she is some kind of poster child, or the mayor of homelessness.
    "Do you have gauze and bandaids?" She says.
    "Are you hurt?" I say.
    No reply.
    I know she has been over the house, and helped herself to toiletries in the past.
    I do not know if it is for her, or her "friends".

    It is not so much about the stuff, missing,
    it is the chunk of my heart she takes with her,
    with these comings and goings.

    I sit through the concert, full of pride and wonder at these young high school kids playing complex pieces, watching Boy, handsome in his tuxedo.

    Grand is next to me.

    I am in the in-between.

    The in-between.

    It feels like this:

    A weird, floaty feeling, where I am going through the motions, while feeling so emotionally drained.
    After the shock of hubs illness, the relief that he is okay for now.

    Then another appearance from Rain.

    She is not bubbly and talkative.
    She is talking about this guy again "He found me."

    I do not know if it is real,
    or imagined, or a ploy for pity.

    Her life since a teen, has been a web of lies.

    I can't even talk with her, I need to be there for my son.
    I tell my Blossom, "How am I supposed to do this"
    She says "Mom it will be okay, you need to be there for Boy, I will stay with Dad."
    I go to Boys concert, wondering.

    This is some kind of weird macabre play I am in.
    These appearances.
    The dismay.
    The roller coaster of emotions that ensue.
    Break down, build up. Break down. Build up.

    It is if I am outside of my body, watching.

    She is on drugs, drifting, homeless,
    and showing up more often now.

    How am I supposed to do this?

    Loving detachment.

    I love her, yet,
    I do not want to see her like this.

    To her, or anyone else, it may seem like such a simple thing,
    to show up at your parents house, want a meal, a shower.

    My hubs is okay with it. not.

    It seems so "in my face."

    A slap.

    A subtle, yet not so subtle, "I am homeless, this is my life- LOOK AT ME."
    and then "I do not want to change."

    Guys, I do not know how I am supposed to do this.


    Loving detachment, with appearances.
    Appearances more frequent,
    and no sign of readiness to stop
    living this "life" she has chosen.

    The timing of it is impeccable. Really?
    Hubs just out of the hospital,
    getting ready for Boys concert,


    The meth genie has appeared again.
    Make three wishes.

    I wish you would get clean.
    I wish you would find your purpose.

    I wish you would stop suddenly appearing at the house.

    It is to say the least, unsettling.

    COMS thread was excellent.

    So, I try to equate this addiction and using, with a terminal illness. She is my child, she is ill.
    Love her. I do love her. I do not want to see her like this. #10. .....even if it's hard to watch.
    It is devastating to watch.

    I am trying to cope,
    it is not working.
    I feel ill. My stomach, churning.
    I am sad.
    I am depressed.
    My head aches.
    I pray.

    Honestly, it is easier not seeing her, then seeing her.

    I said it.

    It is easier not seeing her, then seeing her.

    Have any of you gone through this?

    If so, how do you do it?

    How am I supposed to do this?

  2. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    Hello New Leaf,

    I don't post here like I used to, but I do visit often. I do want to tip my hat off to your very difficult circumstance and your response to it. I do not have a similar experience to share with my DCs. There's no drugs as far as I know and they manage to go to school and hold a job. Yet, I keep my mind open to the possibility that drug addiction could suddenly jump out from the closet to terrify me. Mental illness and addiction is in their blood coming from both sides.

    You are coping, New Leaf. Sometimes that means our guts churn and our heads ache.

    Gentle hugs.

  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is what it feels like......when I am so distraught and overcome by this........

    I think the hardest part is seeing my daughter addicted and using, knowing the destructive behaviors.
    I have gone from numb to every depth of feeling.
    I am bound by my memories of her when she was younger, so much promise.
    I am bound by my love and desire for her to be well.

    It is almost as if I do have to go outside of my body at times, to deal with the immense pain of it.
    I am trying my best to be on the way to acceptance.
    It is what it is.

    And so I pray.
    I listen to music that paints my feelings.
    I cry
    I write.
    I breathe.

    I have let go of the notion that I can fix her, or it is my job to fix her,
    or that she is broken because of something I have done.

    Now, I have to learn how to let go of this emotional tether,
    this internal response I go through,
    when she comes around.

    I will feel what I have to feel, and then,
    give that over to God.

    I feel a little better now......
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you very much Dazed, I really do appreciate your kind words.
    Guts churn and heads ache, day by day, sometimes moment by moment.
    Thank goodness I don't have to go to work today.......
  5. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Dear Leafy,
    I just read your post with my morning coffee. I do not have much time at the moment, but I just wanted to tell you that it struck a chord in harmony with my own heartstrings to be in the “in-between”, and to ponder with “Wondering. Sighing. Praying."

    You have spoken the truth: "Honestly, it is easier not seeing her, than seeing her." This is a truth for me also. And the truth sets us free. You recognize and acknowledge this truth. But granted, it does not solve the hard times (the ruffling /rippling of the calm surface) when the “Rain” shows up. We just wish we didn't have to deal with it.

    What happened in this recent situation reminds me of some things I’ve learned from reading Eckhart Tolle. I know from your postings that you are (as all of us here) working and making good progress towards acceptance of what is (and accepting that we cannot change it). Once that acceptance is there, there is a sense of deep peace at our innermost level. (You know that, Leafy.) However, on the surface, when those situations arise (be it “sunny” or “rainy”), we might experience being joyous or in despair. These events are just ripples on the surface of your being. But neither joy nor despair go all that deep anymore if we know our true selves, know that we have that inner peace … that we can say “yes” (and surrender) to all things. (By saying "yes", I try to give thanks in all things, and know they all work together for good in some way as they should, even though it is hard to understand why and how.)

    Knowing this does not make it any easier, I know. But as in annealing gold, you are now stronger, dear sister. Anneal (as in annealing metal) means to heat up and allow it to cool slowly, in order to remove internal stresses and toughen it. You are precious gold, New Leaf, and you have had a big heating up. Allow yourself to cool slowly and feel your peace, as you release your stress and strengthen.

    In your actions and your faith, you are comforted New Leaf. Your sorrowing is a release and cleansing. Thank you for sharing. I have seen on this site with your postings over the past months here, that as you have been comforted and strengthened in the understanding of your own trials and afflictions, you have been a comfort to others in turn with the wisdom and strength from your inner self. As I am writing this, I am also speaking to myself to remind me to keep these principles in my mind too.

    You did right in going to Boy’s concert to support and find joy and upliftment in him. You have a great support and comfort in Blossom. Your deep heart still holds grief for Rain but your true core can be peaceful, even though the surface is ruffled for a time, for a season. I hold you in my thoughts. As I look outside today, even though there are clouds in the sky, there is no rain today (at least on our side and for this moment).

    I lift Aloha and Mahalo e ke akua for you today and for Rain, and for us all.
    · MA- in this case is “within”
    · HA- the “breath of life” or “Divine breath of life”
    · ALO- “in the presence of” or sharing together
    “Thankful to be in the presence of the divine breath of life.” It both recognizes the divine breath in one’s self and the individual one is thankful for.

    Malama pono, Leafy. Kalahou
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  6. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    New Leaf,
    I saw you recently posted this saying (pasted below) on FOO, encouraging focus on the quote below. Thanks for sharing it.
    Akamai, you! Sometimes, like yesterday, you experience the emotions and affects of both the amazing (Boy's concert performance) and the awful (Rain's reappearance) at the same time.
    And you did just fine. You breathed in the amazing and held on through the awful.
    You've got it, girl. Right on.

    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Mahalo nui, Ka La Hou, for taking time on your coffee break to offer comfort to me from your pu'uwai,and your na'auao.

    This is true, Kalahou. It is the sudden downpour that always gets to me.

    Yes Kalahou, this is true, there is meaning to everything, it is all connected, we just do not know why at the time.

    Mahalo Kalahou. Annealing.
    "That is the real spiritual awakening, when something emerges from within you that is deeper than who you thought you were. So, the person is still there, but one could almost say that something more powerful shines through the person."
    Eckhart Tolle

    It is and has been a blessing to be here, Kalahou. It is a part of this journey, the ups and downs.
    I have many more miles to go. At first, I hesitated to post, I felt so weakened and lost.
    But then thought, "no I will post it, someone will have been right where I am, and understand." We all need a little help from our friends. It has been a respite, CD. Sharing with others in similar situations. Trying to make some sense out of it.
    I am slowly coming out of it Kalahou, thank you dear sister, for your gentle reminders, kindness and aloha.

    Mahalo nui loa for your poetry of thought.
    Your heart speaks through the sentiment,
    the rhythm and wisdom of your words,
    a great comfort, as gentle waves upon the shore.

    Me ke aloha pumehana
  8. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    Leafy......I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. I know this feeling so well. I'm not strong when my son comes to me. He is a master manipulator and knows just what to say to upset me. I think it is much better when I don't have contact with him. My son is in jail but in your case you have no control when she shows up. Just remember not to believe everything she tells you. Just remember we can't fix them although we want to. (((Hugs)))
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

    Oh Leafy I am sorry to hear this..Such an intersection of events at once!
    I can identify..the push and pull of the emotions..
    I live in fear of contact, always upsetting, and I sleep better and feel better with no contact..Because contact rarely is about something positive. It'a new jackpot, overwhelming sadness he is feeling, needs money....How can one look forward to such encounters when we have to see the reality of who they are..
    You handled it so well, Leafy, doing the next right thing, the beautiful!
    I, too, love COM's,1-10. It tells me it's ok to take care of myself, setting boundaries with love..
    Wishing you peace Leafy..
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Okie, it is the deepest pain. My situation is no less, or more than yours.
    A mothers grief and pain, is just that.
    We share the same pain, and I am sorrowed by your heart ache, dear warrior sister.

    My heart goes out to you, and all of us who are faced with this.

    I was sitting in the auditorium,
    watching Boy play in the band.
    His shadow cast upon the wall behind him,
    sharp and clear.
    His fingers dancing on
    the gold of his instrument,
    reflected in shades of black
    upon the white wall,
    mirroring his moves.
    I felt a slipping
    into my shadow self.
    A way to deal with the intensity of feelings.
    Shadow self,
    cast from the fire
    of the burning sorrow
    that consumed me.
    I remained next to my body
    my shadow self,
    and watched
    the concert,
    as I smiled
    and praised my boy.
    Watched as I held him tight.
    Shadow self
    drove home
    and fell into a fitful sleep
    whole again
    in the wee morning hours
    to despair.

    I am a bit better this afternoon.
    But I do believe, Okie, despite feeling this way, that I am getting better.
    My old response would have been to try something,
    anything to "help" my daughter.
    Perhaps, the desperation I was feeling this early morning,
    was in the realization that there is nothing I can do.
    The more that I am used to that feeling,
    I am hoping, the less I will be dismayed.
    I am trying to get to a place of inner peace.
    Maybe that is the problem, too, trying to get there.
    I need to understand that it will come,
    when the time is ready.

    "To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment."
    Eckhart Tolle

    Thank you Okie, your aloha shines brightly.
  11. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Yes ...

    Yes ... "there is a season, and a time to every purpose ..."

    Then comes the new day ... ka la hou ~
  12. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Carolita, for your soothing kind words.
    Yes, a push and pull of emotions,
    I guess my yo-yo string is still holding up.
    Lots of yo-yo miles on that string, that is for sure.

    It is for certain, contact at this stage of the game is difficult.
    I think I have detached, but you know, I am still tested
    and sorely affected.

    To work on this, the emotional part.
    That is key for me.
    Not to go to the depths with it.

    If I do,
    and fight to the surface
    coming up for air

    to breathe.

    Mahalo Carolita,
    may we all find peace.
  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

  14. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi New Leaf,

    I am so very sorry you had to deal with this.

    I relate to much of your post, especially the part about life being easier when you do not see your daughter. husband and I love our 34 year old Difficult Child, but turning him over to God and not dealing with his stuff sure makes our lives easier. And.....there is nothing left for us to do for him. Like so many others, we have tried everything we could think of.

    One way I lean is that not much of anything he says is true. So, a couple sentences of your post jumped out at me.

    Our youngest works at an upscale pizza place near an expensive private college in our town. There are student apartments above the businesses in the "village" neighborhood where he works. The last day of school is huge because these students toss out all sorts of very expensive stuff. It is mind boggling. Our son found a very nice guitar last spring. Others retrieved a bicycle, expensive backpack....

    Anyway, I felt compelled to share that - in case your daughter was honest about that.

    And, I would never have even noticed that comment if my youngest has not experienced this first-hand.

    We get so used to our difficult kids skewing the truth, that I think it is understandable when we miss the times they MAY be being honest. I am not saying your daughter was, but it is very possible. and, i would love for you to have that knowledge

  15. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    SS, thank you so much for posting, I am sorry for your trouble with your son.
    This is true, I love my Rain, but we have tried everything.
    Thank you for sharing this, it is nice to know there may be some truth to the stories....
    Yes SS, thank you. It is nice to know, and was very nice of you to share this with me.
    Thank you.
  16. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  17. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Thank you Hopeful, hubs is much better.
    We are two peas in a pod, you and I. We will be okay. Hope you have a peaceful week too.
    Maybe, just maybe our two will wake up. I will keep praying.
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I must remember this.....

  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Yes, it was FAR easier for me not to see my daughter. My heart would drop whenever she would call and I found it easier for ME to stay far away. I couldn't bear it. I tried too hard to try to save my daughter to no avail. Nothing, not one thing I said or did made any difference.

    No, I couldn't believe a word out of my daughter's mouth. Meth made her ULTRA paranoid, delusional and a liar. Oh but she was good, though. She made ME believe that people were out to kill her. I actually went to the FBI office crying and pleading for help. Only now that she has been clean over a year does she realize how truly crazy she was...

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers..
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I will never forget what my daughter told me after she quit drugs and told us the shocking extent of her stint with almost every drug out there at the time.