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How Can I Get difficult child to Understand that
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 57014" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>When he announces to you that he modified his conversation, thank him for being vigilant.</p><p></p><p>I go through this with difficult child 3. I've had to keep telling him (gently) that sometimes saying it after all, even when he's explaining that he chose his words carefully, he has undone any benefit. it's like explaining the punchline of a joke - if you have to do it, you've wasted the joke. You may as well have not said it.</p><p></p><p>We worked on joke-telling first, so he could learn to tell a joke without having to hear a loud laugh or some other obvious response. difficult child 3 is still learning to NOT explain a joke but to move on if he thinks people have missed it.</p><p></p><p>From there we can go back to, "I was really good, mum, I didn't tell that lady that I thought she was fat. I didn't, did I lady?"</p><p>When that happens, I take him aside and invent something similar with him as the focus. "Well, difficult child 3's mum, aren't I good to difficult child 3? I really had to try hard to not say how ugly I think he is but I succeeded. I'm doing well, aren't I?"</p><p>and I ask him how he would feel if his friend said that to me IN FRONT OF HIM. Would difficult child 3 still feel his friend had been a GOOD friend? What sort of response/action would he prefer?</p><p>Another example, perhaps less hurtful (although difficult child 3 knows he isn't ugly - people keep remarking on what a handsome boy he is, but he's not vain about it) is to say, "I did really well, Dad. I didn't tell you that we hid your present in the box under the stairs. And I didn't tell you that it was a new set of golf clubs - aren't I good?"</p><p>I then ask difficult child 3 what is wrong with that. Can he see that by loudly congratulating himself on keeping the secret, he has just NOT kept the secret?</p><p></p><p>We handle it with a humorous example and he copes better. And if we have a key word that I used in the example (like golf clubs under the stairs) I can use that next time he embarrasses me in public.</p><p></p><p>Our worst lately was while we were on holidays in New Zealand. There were times we had to eat out in a restaurant. difficult child 3 has very specific likes and dislikes and would refuse to even try anything with a sauce. He would loudly exclaim, "Yuk!" and act like the chef was trying to poison him. We scolded him and told him (repeatedly) that this is bad for business. The chef was NOT trying to poison him, he was trying to please him with good food - the chef had no way of knowing that difficult child 3 likes his food plain. Most people like their food fancy and the chef was trying to be kind. By making an unpleasant fuss, he would hurt the chef's feelings and probably also upset the other customers, who liked the food. And they would think, "What a bad-mannered little boy." We know he's not normally bad-mannered, but behaving that way, other people wouldn't know that.</p><p></p><p>So we modelled it for him. When ordering his food he should say to the waiter, "Please, sir, I don't like creamy things and I like my food plain. May I please have my steak without any sauce, and my vegetables plain like that too?"</p><p>He's still learning, but he succeeded on our last restaurant meal of the holidays. He began to say, "Yuk!" as he read the menu but we successfully shushed him. We were able to coach him in what to say before the waiter came up. Of course, our smallest family member ordered the largest main meal of the menu (when all I can manage is one entree as a main). He ate the whole thing and still had room for dessert, but since all dessert options involved sauce, or hot puddings, he was beginning to get annoyed until I reminded him, "Ask the waiter - they may be able to do something just for you. Ask for exactly what you want."</p><p>And he did. "Please sir, would I be able to have just vanilla scoop ice cream in a dish?"</p><p>The waiter replied, "I'm sorry, we don't have vanilla but we do have chocolate."</p><p>difficult child 3 replied, "Chocolate is OK." and then remembered, "Thank you."</p><p>The waiter then asked, "Would you like some sauce with that?"</p><p>difficult child 3 amazingly didn't shout, he managed to stop himself, but he did say, "Oh no, nothing else. Just ice cream please."</p><p></p><p>We really praised him after the waiter left - he finally got it! And, of course, his reward was ice cream the way he wanted it - and he enjoyed it very much.</p><p></p><p>Mind you, it will probably be so long before we eat out again, we'll have to start over!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 57014, member: 1991"] When he announces to you that he modified his conversation, thank him for being vigilant. I go through this with difficult child 3. I've had to keep telling him (gently) that sometimes saying it after all, even when he's explaining that he chose his words carefully, he has undone any benefit. it's like explaining the punchline of a joke - if you have to do it, you've wasted the joke. You may as well have not said it. We worked on joke-telling first, so he could learn to tell a joke without having to hear a loud laugh or some other obvious response. difficult child 3 is still learning to NOT explain a joke but to move on if he thinks people have missed it. From there we can go back to, "I was really good, mum, I didn't tell that lady that I thought she was fat. I didn't, did I lady?" When that happens, I take him aside and invent something similar with him as the focus. "Well, difficult child 3's mum, aren't I good to difficult child 3? I really had to try hard to not say how ugly I think he is but I succeeded. I'm doing well, aren't I?" and I ask him how he would feel if his friend said that to me IN FRONT OF HIM. Would difficult child 3 still feel his friend had been a GOOD friend? What sort of response/action would he prefer? Another example, perhaps less hurtful (although difficult child 3 knows he isn't ugly - people keep remarking on what a handsome boy he is, but he's not vain about it) is to say, "I did really well, Dad. I didn't tell you that we hid your present in the box under the stairs. And I didn't tell you that it was a new set of golf clubs - aren't I good?" I then ask difficult child 3 what is wrong with that. Can he see that by loudly congratulating himself on keeping the secret, he has just NOT kept the secret? We handle it with a humorous example and he copes better. And if we have a key word that I used in the example (like golf clubs under the stairs) I can use that next time he embarrasses me in public. Our worst lately was while we were on holidays in New Zealand. There were times we had to eat out in a restaurant. difficult child 3 has very specific likes and dislikes and would refuse to even try anything with a sauce. He would loudly exclaim, "Yuk!" and act like the chef was trying to poison him. We scolded him and told him (repeatedly) that this is bad for business. The chef was NOT trying to poison him, he was trying to please him with good food - the chef had no way of knowing that difficult child 3 likes his food plain. Most people like their food fancy and the chef was trying to be kind. By making an unpleasant fuss, he would hurt the chef's feelings and probably also upset the other customers, who liked the food. And they would think, "What a bad-mannered little boy." We know he's not normally bad-mannered, but behaving that way, other people wouldn't know that. So we modelled it for him. When ordering his food he should say to the waiter, "Please, sir, I don't like creamy things and I like my food plain. May I please have my steak without any sauce, and my vegetables plain like that too?" He's still learning, but he succeeded on our last restaurant meal of the holidays. He began to say, "Yuk!" as he read the menu but we successfully shushed him. We were able to coach him in what to say before the waiter came up. Of course, our smallest family member ordered the largest main meal of the menu (when all I can manage is one entree as a main). He ate the whole thing and still had room for dessert, but since all dessert options involved sauce, or hot puddings, he was beginning to get annoyed until I reminded him, "Ask the waiter - they may be able to do something just for you. Ask for exactly what you want." And he did. "Please sir, would I be able to have just vanilla scoop ice cream in a dish?" The waiter replied, "I'm sorry, we don't have vanilla but we do have chocolate." difficult child 3 replied, "Chocolate is OK." and then remembered, "Thank you." The waiter then asked, "Would you like some sauce with that?" difficult child 3 amazingly didn't shout, he managed to stop himself, but he did say, "Oh no, nothing else. Just ice cream please." We really praised him after the waiter left - he finally got it! And, of course, his reward was ice cream the way he wanted it - and he enjoyed it very much. Mind you, it will probably be so long before we eat out again, we'll have to start over! Marg [/QUOTE]
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