how can i make older one understand little difficult child???

[Jena]

hi

im posting alot this weekend i know. we've been locked up for 2 dys. now

anyway i've been battling with older difficult child regarding little one. when i say battling i mean trying to get her to not engage to come to me if there's a problem between teh both of them.

it gets to the point where i can't even go to the bathroom the two of them are at eachothers' throats little difficult child almost always starts it.

i've told my older daughter time and time again read up on stuff with me how about we go together to a support group? offered her a break by staying with family for a few days to relieve herself of the stress of little difficult child. it's really starting to get to her.

house rule is:

when little difficult child goes after her verbaly to simply come get me not engage (which iknow is hard) and i will deal with her the little one.

yet she never ever listens.. few weekends ago got so bad i was out of sight for like 3 min in bathroom and little difficult child started verbally attacking older one and older one got so frustrated she grabbed little difficult child and threw her to floor. totally unacceptable.

so i sat with both of them first together then seperately after time out so they could both calm down. i posted house rules on wall.

i said why do you do this?? i know how to handle her not you. why do you keep engaging she isnt going to stop being relentless and lay off you. i know your frustrated but i'm here to help you. come get me when she goes after you instead of taking matters in to your own hands nothing good comes from it each and every time. i said look we both know there's obviously more at play here than your typical annoying little sister syndrome and i'm working hard on solving it for all of us to relieve the pressure.

so today she cried alot. little difficult child went and tattled on her for soemthing and older one blew up and cried. said i hate my sister i'm sick of dealing with this you dont share a room with her you don't know how she can be. i said i understand how you feel i can appreciate your frustration level and i'm not mad at you. just asking you to get me to help you stop taking her on by yourself you'll never get anywhere good with it you'l ljust aggrivate yourself more.

so how do you guys do it if you have situation with siblings similar to this??

i've tried varoius approach's at this point like i said i'm just holding out till figure which direction to go into. it is become very clear to me this child needs medications. we are all feeling the pressure now even boyfriend who isn't home due to constantly working he wonders every nigth what he's going to walk into. he's been quite tolerant and patient i may say yet it gets frustrating as i'm sure many of you know. it affects an entire household.

thanks!!

jen

 

[SaraT]

I feel your pain. easy child, B, used to constantly agitate difficult child and "fight" back. I finally said if you keep it up I am not going to be responsilbe for the consquences. Well, easy child kept it up and difficult child nailed her in the nose. No permanent damage, but learned her lesson.(difficult child was duley punished for hitting, and easy child was sent to room to write, I will go to mom, 100x).

I then sat down with easy child and explained that I am the only one(husband can now too) that can defuse difficult child and that arguing will only make things worse. I explained difficult child's conditions and that difficult child cannot always control herself. A light bulb seemed to go on in easy child's head. Things have been better since then, and easy child justs yells"mom", and I know to come deal with difficult child.

I did have to separate them though. They now have separate rooms, this was a necessity to calm things. If you can't give older daughter her own room, maybe you can let her use your room to get away from difficult child.(ie her hiding/safe spot from difficult child). She can lock herself in and listen to music, watch tv, whatever she needs to relax. Kind of her own sanity space.

Hugs

 

[meowbunny]

Is there any way to change the sleeping arrangements? Maybe have the 6 and 8 YO share a room when they're all together and the 12/14 year old? I know the steps only visit two days a week, but I'm hoping they have some sort of room where things could be moved around. I know that if I had had to share a room with an 8 YO when I was 14, I probably would have killed the 8 YO. It is just a horrid age for both.

As to getting the 14 YO to come to you, I don't think that will happen. At least not on a regular basis. Maybe you can teach the oldest some of your tricks? Other than that, is there any where your oldest can go that's safe from her sister? At 14, privacy really is important. She needs a spot she can call her own, even if it is just locking herself in the car.

Wish you luck on this one. Siblings with a large age difference have it rough on both sides. One wants privacy. The other wants attention.

 

[uncheerleader]

Jen and SaraT,

How about getting those two easy child's together for their own chat and vent session online like us!

They seem close in age and maybe they can help each other with coping skills or just plain complaining about difficult child and parents.

I remember needing to complain to my friends about just regular sister and parent stuff. I didn't grow up with a difficult child. Maybe their friends who don't have a difficult child at home can't quite understand how hard it is for them.

I know what it's like being the parent but, I can't imagine how they feel being the sibling of one.

Try it, they may begin their own support group.

Good luck,
SAL

 

[Jena]

hey,

not a bad idea but older one well she doesn't want to acknowledge there's probl with little difficult child. hence big problem for me so she wont' try to learn any tricks on how to deal with it at all i've offerred advice.

so as far as space is concerned. to be quite honest there isn't any. the two kids little one's cant' share room because his is a boy. so we need to keep them seperated as far as sleep is concerned. there really isn't space for older difficult child to have any type of privacy at all.

i truly wish i could offer her some type of remedy to situation but i cannot . we have 3 bedrooms. ready for this?? during reg. days his kids aren't here girls share their bedroom which is also small it's decorated nice though i let them pick out all their own stuff. the 3rd bedroom is kinda our playroom/bedroom for his son when they come. his two other kids 12 year old girl and 7 year old girl sleep on couch two nights a week. it is insane and packed beyond belief.

i wanted to rent a house yet right now with-o me contributing to household it's a no go situation. and i'm not really ready for that kind of move anyway to be quite honest. right now i feel like things should stay status quo for difficult child's until i get evaluation. done and figure out which direction i'll be moving into. quitting job and getting local job was hard enough decision for simple fact i do not want Occupational Therapist (OT) rely on boyfriend for shelter, food, etc. sounds strange i know yet we are not married yet i have no intention of getting married anytime soon.......lol........we've had our ups and downs it's been calm as of late yet there are still issues there as well that confuse me adn aggrivate me as i do aggrivate him with all the tension brought into home by difficult child's to be honest.

so for now no out for older one. wish i could provide her with some type of space of her own. was much better in our apt. it was huge room and we lived in community so she could go take walk around complex whenever she needed a breather whereas here it's private nice block yet dont' want her cruising streets at night to get away ya know........

i think the only conclusion here is truly to do best i can and wait it out til i have game plan. we also had porch in our last apt. it was beautiful really had my flowers hanging two chairs out there alot of times she'd go out there with phone to talk to friends. it's been hard for us no doubt. i made a reckless decision last year to cut hours the way i did and suffered terribly financially due to that. thought i could make it but cna't look back now can only look forward with hope that i will be able to stabilize it all with time.

thanks for suggestions though
jen

 

[JJJ]

How about giving 14yo her own room that she shares with 12yo when she is there? The other room can be difficult child's and shared with 7yo when she is there. The boy can sleep on the couch.

 

[SRL]

When easy child Sr. was working against the flow with difficult child that would always result in more fighting, I tried everything I could think of and the only thing that worked was $$$. I offered to pay him for handling difficult child well. Heck, it was hard enough for me to handle difficult child without losing it, I figured it was worth an incentive to help him stop and think.

I paid 50 cents a day for the rest of one summer then for weekends once school started. It worked so well I would have happily paid him $1...but don't tell him that.

 

[Jena]

ok the thought about the bedroom thing, i'm thinking about it just not sure if the 3rd bedrooms big enough.


the paying thing that is way way too funny. i'll go broke but it certainly worth a shot. i know 50 cents isnt' going to cover it. she'll be 15 we're probably more in the who knows mode i have to go negotiate with her

thanks!