"How can I screw my life up today?"

[SuZir]

Lil, he is going to be homeless and without income and that is going to be real tough. But he also has you. T&here is no law or rule that deny you helping him if situation turns so, that you consider that it may be helpful. Right now he has not yet realized that his situation really is what it is. When he does, he does need to find how he is going to react to it.

When and if you later see some positive development, him trying to come up with some worthwhile plan or something and you giving him a hand would be helpful, when it is a time to give him a hand. But just now it seems that he uses whatever you do give him as a reason not to do things for himself.

Hopefully his homelessness will be short and he quickly has that light bulb moment, but you can't force him. And I well understand the worry especially because he seems somewhat vulnerable. But he needs to start to want to help himself before any help you give him will stick.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sure, he can get a job, but how when there is no way to bathe, wash clothing, etc?

Here, we have a couple of shelters where if you have a job interview, will provide... a shower, a basic hair trim if you want it (barber, not stylist, and not a full cut, just make it neat), toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, and... if you have a reputation around the shelter for "behaving", they can even lend you neater clothes for the interview.

 

[InsaneCdn]

The one thing that keeps being driven in more and more, is how hopeless the situation is with no income.

My GFGbro survived for several years without "an income". Some combination of barter (I'll fix your car if you feed me for x days, or let me put your tent in your back yard kind of thing) and day-labour. He says... we don't know how to think creatively because we have always had an income. Yes, without an income there is no way out of that situation, but some don't WANT out.

 

[Lil]

My training is with people who now work on other towns, but worked with me when son was little. Of course, they all ask about him. Big mistake.

On the upside, the ranting helps me feel better. I kind of went on and on about how be could have had a government phone, which has made me feel much better about turning off the phone.



Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Childofmine]

My son got a job at McDonalds and worked there for four months without a place to live. He slept on a bench outside. He got himself up at 2 am and walked to work to be there by 4 am without a shower. He brushed his teeth in their bathroom and he took a shower at he day shelter after he got off work.

People can do amazing things when they want to.

And when they don't want to, they are amazing in their resistance.

You cannot do another single thing for him that will really help him until he decided he is sick and tired of his life and wants it to change.

Let him hit this bottom. Maybe this is the one that will preface a turnaround.

If you can, stand way way way back. Feel your feelings, like you are, but don't act on them.

If nothing changes, nothing changes Lil.

Let him walk his own path. We're here with you through this, regardless. This is another turning point for him and if you can stand back, perhaps something new has a chance to happen.

Warm hugs for your hurting heart. This is very hard stuff.

 

[BusynMember]

If I'm correct he had a place to stay in a shelter, but messed up so he got kicked out. Apparently, if this is correct (I'm not sure), he doesn't consider a place to live important. There are places to stay, but, just like in our homes, they have rules.
Lil, you gave him a hand. You saw what he did with it.
Lil, he can get a laborer job. Sure, it's hard work, but he is choosing not to work and that is why he has no income. Like I said earlier, nursing homes are begging for people to work for them and they pay better than average for those who are new in the workforce or have little experience. That isn't the only place. I see "hiring" signs at fast food places too. He doesn't want to work. He could probably apply for social security and see if he can get it. But it is unlikely that right now he will be smart about using what money he gets.
Of everyone here, I think you have done as much or more than anyone for his/her child. If they won't accept the help and try, there is nothing you can do. You know there are plenty of places that feed the homeless and he could get Medicaid too for medical care.
I think right now talking college is kind of a pipe dream. He doesn't want to work hard and college is hard.
You mentioned that your ex was lazy. And similar to him. He has your ex's DNA inside of him.
On the other hand he is still young and things can change, but they will change if HE wants them to change, not because you wish they'd change. We all know all you've done for him.
He probably wants a smartphone so he can continue his online interent chatting with possible people who he feels will give him places to stay ttemporarily and/or money. I think the government phone is just a flip phone with no bells and whistles.
Of course, he can internet/social media chat at the library too. But he wants it at his fingertips.

I hope things improve for you and feel so bad for you and Jabber. He has no idea how lucky he is to have parents who love him. Not everybody has that experience.

 

[Lil]

There are places to stay, but, just like in our homes, they have rules.

No. There's really not. He's been kicked out of the only place in this town.

He doesn't want to work.

No kidding.

He could probably apply for social security and see if he can get it.

No, he couldn't. He is not disabled in any way.

I think right now talking college is kind of a pipe dream. He doesn't want to work hard and college is hard.

Who was talking college? Wasn't me.

He's texting me now. Has started the desperate "I'm freaking out because I have no home/phone/money/food/etc."

Oh, and the ever lovely, "I'll kill myself before I go to jail" Because he didn't do his community service and I told him that I won't help him leave town without doing it. Is begging and pleading to see us and talk, because the phone has stopped making calls and only texts and he wants to talk.

I hate everything about this. Every. Single. Thing.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I think the government phone is just a flip phone with no bells and whistles.
Of course, he can internet/social media chat at the library too. But he wants it at his fingertips.

Yes, the government phone is no bells and whistles with a limited number of talk minutes as well as a limited number of texts.

He cant use the library here anymore as he has overdue fees. That stops him from even using their computers for any reason.

 

[BusynMember]

Sorry about the college slip up, Lil. Somebody must have responded using college in the post. or maybe I read it somewhere else. Hard day at work. Fuzzy brain.

I'm sorry there is noplace for your son to stay in your town, but he can go to a town that does have homeless shelters. If he truly doesn't want to be homeless, he will make sure he's not, either by getting a job and putting a roof over his head or finding people to take him in usually on a temporary basis. Or he'll find a shelter in a nearby town and follow the rules. He knows how to survive. He's trying to scare you so you'll give him more money or take him back home.

Have you noticed a big weight loss in him? I'm guessing he eats just fine.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. He's still young. He could get his act together yet. My daughter turned it around at 19 and your son is only 20. There is hope. If he gets to be 24 or 25, I'd worry a lot more. Right now, he is still learning the pain of refusing to listen to society's rules. I notice many of the adult kids start to work it out, if they are going to, around the mid 20's. And I've been reading this forum for a long time.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Lil and Jabber,

Going through difficult times with our own 34yo Difficult Child, so I am right here with you. I have said this before: do not, do not, do not keep up any enabling.

Would my Difficult Child's situation be any different today if we had not enabled? Certainly, I have no idea. But, even more certainly, husband and I clearly know his situation is not better after years of enabling. Like you, we thought we were doing little things....$30 here, deposit on a studio apt there, a Dunkin Donuts card here, along with lots of prayers and hand-wringing....

Hey, we thought---patting ourselves on our backs----it's not like we are bailing him out of jail, hiring an attorney! No, we were wiser than that. HA. Now I see that even a little bit of help, when a Difficult Child does not want to take care of him/herself, is a major signal to them.

And, yes, the ranting helps us. I totally agree.

Somebody (perhaps, Copa?) posted to you earlier today to keep your eye on the ball. That has stuck with me all day. It is not about us at all; it is about what actions, or no actions, can possibly help our Difficult Child's life. What can we change to shift the dynamics, the status quo?

Believe me, I know how tough this is. Sometimes I cannot help but wonder, why us? Why did Difficult Child , husband and I get dealt this hand?? Well, life is not fair and, so, why not us? Yuck.

Hugs,
SS

 

[Tanya M]

Lil, I am right there with you. I know just how you feel. I used to wonder also, "does he plot how he can mess things up" My son was in and out of several juvenile facilities and group homes and he would be within weeks of completing a program that would allow him to be "out of trouble" and yet he would bolt and run away.
There just is no making any sense of why they choose to live the way they do. They don't want to follow any rules and yet they expect someone else to take care of them and foot the bill for their needs.
We, the parents are left with our hearts broken, fighting the urge to swoop in and scoop them up and make it all better.

I'm a good 20 years further down this road than where you are now. As hard as it is the best thing we can do for our Difficult Child is allow them fail on their own. That is the only way they will learn for themselves. It has always baffled me that my son has such a high IQ and yet he lacks common sense. Hi ego has always gotten in his way. He's 33 now and has managed to stay alive. He's currently traveling across the country with his dog. I would be lying to say that I don't worry about him but I don't obsess over it. To be quite honest I just don't have the energy it would take.

Lil, you will not lose your son. He's your son, you are his mother and that will never change.

Even though he is behaving in a way that would have him appear helpless, he's not. Right now he is at the age where he demands to be his own person and yet still wants mom and dad to help out. The more traditional "launching" goes much smoother than it does with our Difficult Child. You just have to keep standing firm in your decisions to not help him.

Have you ever read the story about the struggling butterfly? Short version: If when you see the butterfly struggling to come out of the cocoon, you cut to cocoon open to make it easier for the butterfly, it will come out of the cocoon but it's wings will never fill out and it will never fly. It is the struggle of coming out of the cocoon that causes it's wings to fill and to give it the strength to fly.
You have to fight the urge to cut open his cocoon.

The hard part is accepting that the life our Difficult Child want to live is so far from what we had hoped for them.

Lil, you will get through this, you will survive this and so will your son.

((HUGS)) to you!!

 

[Lil]

but he can go to a town that does have homeless shelters.

Well, that does appear to be his plan...he's got a ticket to go to the internet girlfriend's town, about 150 miles away. Apparently she's willing to put him up in cheap hotels or help him find shelters, etc., until they can get a place together - apparently he can't stay with her. Maybe she still lives at home. I don't know. I didn't ask.

********************
​

He knows he'll likely someday have a warrant issued. By the same token, it's municipal cases and those warrants are local. That is to say, they won't bring you in if it's more than 90 miles. So, he's screwing up his life again and he knows it, but it's his choice. I'm done worrying about it.

Have you noticed a big weight loss in him? I'm guessing he eats just fine.

Hard to tell. He's skinny. He's always been skinny. He's skinnier now than he's ever been. So yeah. He's lost weight. Not a ton, but he hasn't got much to lose.

***********************​

So...here's the plan. He has a train ticket to leave Sunday. I'm going to take him to the train station. Kiss him. Tell him I love him and send him on the way. He doesn't have a warrant yet so I'm doing nothing wrong by taking him to the train. If he takes no action, doesn't contact the court, that's on him. I'll take him to the train. I won't ask any more questions about it. It's his choice. Not my circus...right?

The train doesn't stop in the town, but close, and Jabber has a sister that lives one town over so she's agreed to pick him up and take him there. That's it. Help over. His phone will still be turned off. He gets a ride two miles to the train station and some clean laundry from us. He gets a ride from the train station to the town from his aunt as a favor to us.

I advised against it. He didn't take that well. His response was basically what difference does it make where he's homeless or if he does his community service? Will it make the sidewalk any softer?

Whatever. He's determined. He's leaving. If his aunt didn't give him a ride, he'd still be in that town eventually, even if he had to walk from the train station or beg someone for a bus pass. If I didn't give him a ride to the train station, he'd still find a way and I wouldn't be able to tell him good-bye. I don't approve. He know.

He can be homeless across the state. He says he's never coming back. Fine. We can talk to him when he gets a phone.

The hard part is accepting that the life our difficult child want to live is so far from what we had hoped for them.

Exactly.

It was not a pleasant meeting this evening. We took him to Perkin's and he ordered two meals. Couldn't even eat one...his stomach has shrunk. Doggie bags. He took mine too - too upset to eat. Being in public was important, since I was entirely too upset. We almost didn't meet him at all tonight because I was so upset. I knew - and Jabber certainly knew - that if we didn't meet him in public we'd end up fighting. As it was I had to excuse myself to go to the ladies and freak out for a few minutes.

At one point I told him, "I love you. I want you to be happy. I can't pretend to understand the choices you've made in the last year or so, but what I want is for you to have a good life." or words to that effect.

I'm sad. I'm not angry. I told him that too. That I'm disappointed and confused by his actions.

Mostly I'm saddened that he totally refuses to take responsibility for his own actions. He won't admit that his situation is in any way his fault. He went on and on about how people lied and stole from him and let him down. He went on and on about how he's tried to make things better. But he hasn't.

There's really nothing I can do. So I'll accept it. Accepting this choice is all I can do.

 

[Childofmine]

Jabber my son was banned from the library too after he lost yet another government phone and was using the library for wifi and a place to get cool in the summer.

I saw his descent like this: he would go down another rung on the ladder. Then he would abuse and ignore the rules and break that rung on the ladder, and have to descend another rung. It was very painful to watch and to endure. He did not want to go by any rules at all anytime anywhere.

Now, looking back, I see that ladder differently. As he went "down" he was actually moving "up", up to his bottom which occurred in jail last June when the public defender told him to plan for the full sentence of four years to be handed down the next day. To hear him tell it, which he has just one time, he laid awake all night in fear. That was a dark night of the soul for him and since that time, he has not been arrested once and he has started to rebuild his life. It is not all perfect and like I would like, even now, but standing back, it is true progress.

We can't conceive of what it is going to take because our reality and theirs is completely different.

My son is now 26. From seventh grade, when the rumblings of trouble began, it has been a slow trajectory down until about 19 when things went off the cliff and continued downward until a year ago.

Over that time I learned so much. I did everything you two have done and more. Until i saw---because he showed me---that for all of that, it was only worse.

I am sorry. Truly sorry that any other person has to experience this. I know you both know what to do and you have made remarkable progress. Stop and congratulate yourself for that because it is the hardest work there is. Progress now, not perfection. We so understand. And we are here with you both.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Jabber my son was banned from the library too after he lost yet another government phone and was using the library for wifi and a place to get cool in the summer.

He isn't banned from the library, just cant use any of the services that they have available until he pays his fines. Not sure if that will affect him in St Louis or not but either way its on him. Our library is actually a designated "Cool Down" spot so they actually want people to come in if its too hot outside. He doesn't have a laptop any more so cant use it as a wifi spot although I'm not entirely sure our library even HAS wifi.

As far as the government phone goes, he still hasn't bothered to sign up for one using the BS excuse of having no address to use even though we told him to use ours. Not sure why he wont do this but whatever.

Only thing I can really say about last night was that it could have gone worse. And judging by the attitude he had even at the restaurant, if it had been at home then there would have been police involvement.

 

[Tanya M]

At one point I told him, "I love you. I want you to be happy. I can't pretend to understand the choices you've made in the last year or so, but what I want is for you to have a good life." or words to that effect.

I'm sad. I'm not angry. I told him that too. That I'm disappointed and confused by his actions.

Lil, I think you handled this very well. It's good to clarify to him that it's not so much about being angry as it's about the disappointment.

I'm sending you all my good energy and prayers for Sunday. I think it's good that you will be taking him to the train. I hope that once he gets where he's going that he will be able to see his life with a new fresh perspective and will start making some better choices.

((HUGS))

 

[Lil]

I'm done worrying about it.

Can I lie to myself or what?

Lay awake a long time last night, some of it was thinking of practical things, like the fact I need to call the attorney because it's him and Jabber on the lease, his clothes and things missing, and he won't be here anymore. Hopefully that can be fixed with just a power of attorney. (Actually, I just did that and he's out of town...joy.)

Then there was a little of the catastrophizing...imagining him on the streets in the city - our town has about 40,000 people. The train stops in St. Louis. A reason why we got him a ride to the town.

I imagined him calling us and begging to come home; that the girl let him down, etc...that's bound to happen eventually...and if we say no then he's stranded.

But I wasn't in hysterics. I lay awake a long time thinking of nothing too.

I'm very tired.

Worse, I thought I'd be nice and get him the address and phone number of the closest welfare office and homeless shelter. So, I've been looking up the town he's going to. It's only 14,000 people. It's near...but still more than 1/2 hour from, St. Louis. The closest homeless shelter is 20 minutes or more away in a neighboring town. The closest welfare office to apply for food stamps, farther. The closest food pantry, miles and miles away. There is NOTHING in this town he's going to - not even a motel shows up on the internet.

What the hell is he thinking? He knows ONE girl there that he can't move in with! He's nuts.

I'm going to have a heart attack.

 

[Albatross]

Ugly stuff, Lil. So much I want to say right now, but mainly that I think so many of us have been at that grieving stage, where we see that none of it has done or will do any good and we are finally just letting go. A very hard stage to reach emotionally, but very cathartic once we just give over to it.

The hard part now is not snatching it up again, Lil. We have all pulled off amazing feats in the motherhood department. We've had to in order to survive. But there comes a time when we should no longer use our superpowers.

No more strategizing, no more calculating, no more having your hand in it in any way. Every time you do (and believe me, I'm not criticizing -- I've done it too!)...every time you do, you send a message to yourself AND TO HIM that says, "I don't have faith in you. I don't think you can handle this. I am going to be standing in the background *just in case* because I am guessing you are going to need my help."

No more, Lil. Kiss him and send him on his way. He will be okay. He might get a little banged up on the way, but he will be okay. Show him you believe that in your heart. It is the very best gift you can give him.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Its kind of sad if you really think about it but the one thing I'm really proud of us about during this is that we haven't gone back to smoking. As much as we have wanted too do so. Yes, I'm wanting one right now. So sue me.

 

[Albatross]

Talk about amazing feats! Way to go Jabber and Lil!

 

[Lil]

No more strategizing, no more calculating, no more having your hand in it in any way. Every time you do (and believe me, I'm not criticizing -- I've done it too!)...every time you do, you send a message to yourself AND TO HIM that says, "I don't have faith in you. I don't think you can handle this. I am going to be standing in the background *just in case* because I am guessing you are going to need my help."

I know. Fact is, well, I really don't have much.

I don't know how true that is. I believe he can do pretty much anything, IF HE THINKS AND MAKES A PLAN, just like most people in the world. I think if he goes off half-cocked and just expects life and the people in his life to take care of things, he'll fall flat on his face, just like most people in the world!

This place doesn't even have any public transportation - AT ALL. You have to get to another town to even catch a bus! He thinks, I believe, that he's going to a big place. He hasn't really thought about it at all.

Last night he got talking about his shoplifting arrest - once again saying he didn't steal anything and it was all the other guy. He asked if I believe "that lying cop" or him. I told him flatly that I believe the cop. I feel bad about that.

Just another example of how he doesn't accept responsibility for his own life. He is running away, basically to never return, because he won't do 40 hours of community service that wouldn't have cost him a dime. How lazy is that? He'd rather never be able to come home again than wash windows for a week. How crazy is that!!!! He's going to expect this girl to take care of him. He'll fail.

Yes, I'm wanting one right now. So sue me.

Badly. I want one very, very badly. The only thing that's kept me from bumming today is the fact I'm pretty sure it would make me nauseated.