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"How can I screw my life up today?"
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 659869" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>So, it's 11:15 and I'm sitting in the living room crying. Jabber is asleep and I didn't want to wake him. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite3" alt=":(" title="Frown :(" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":(" /> My brain won't shut off. I keep rehearsing tomorrow's "talk". I say over and over all he's done to lead himself here. I imagine him telling me he's hungry and homeless and has no one and nothing...and my heart breaks. I keep saying over and over all the opportunities that we gave him that he kept throwing away. I imagine telling him that I won't give him money to (let's face it) abscond without ever doing his community service. He WILL go to jail. Maybe not tomorrow or next year but someday he will be stopped - for running a red light or speeding or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time - maybe years and years from now when he's finally got his act together, and he will go to jail. All because he wouldn't wash a few windows. </p><p></p><p>Every choice he's made since he turned 18 has led to this. He could have done things right. He had every chance. He threw them away. For nothing. Not over a girl, not because of drugs, not mental illness...nothing. </p><p></p><p>I can't stand it. I don't know how to stand it. I've actually let myself think that maybe things will get better - but they won't. They're going to get worse and worse. </p><p></p><p>We'll say no tomorrow. No, we won't keep your phone on. No, we won't give you money. No, we won't buy you a bus ticket. No, we won't buy you food or shelter or anything. We'll cut him off and he'll - just be gone. </p><p></p><p>Tomorrow I lose my son. I know it. I see it coming as clear as I see this computer screen. The child I birthed and nursed and loved like a part of myself all these years will just be gone...and a part of me will be too. </p><p></p><p>I don't know how to do this. I feel like I'm amputating my own limb, cutting out my heart. </p><p></p><p>I recognize that I'm catastrophizing. But that is exactly how I feel right now. I can barely breathe.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 659869, member: 17309"] So, it's 11:15 and I'm sitting in the living room crying. Jabber is asleep and I didn't want to wake him. :( My brain won't shut off. I keep rehearsing tomorrow's "talk". I say over and over all he's done to lead himself here. I imagine him telling me he's hungry and homeless and has no one and nothing...and my heart breaks. I keep saying over and over all the opportunities that we gave him that he kept throwing away. I imagine telling him that I won't give him money to (let's face it) abscond without ever doing his community service. He WILL go to jail. Maybe not tomorrow or next year but someday he will be stopped - for running a red light or speeding or just being in the wrong place at the wrong time - maybe years and years from now when he's finally got his act together, and he will go to jail. All because he wouldn't wash a few windows. Every choice he's made since he turned 18 has led to this. He could have done things right. He had every chance. He threw them away. For nothing. Not over a girl, not because of drugs, not mental illness...nothing. I can't stand it. I don't know how to stand it. I've actually let myself think that maybe things will get better - but they won't. They're going to get worse and worse. We'll say no tomorrow. No, we won't keep your phone on. No, we won't give you money. No, we won't buy you a bus ticket. No, we won't buy you food or shelter or anything. We'll cut him off and he'll - just be gone. Tomorrow I lose my son. I know it. I see it coming as clear as I see this computer screen. The child I birthed and nursed and loved like a part of myself all these years will just be gone...and a part of me will be too. I don't know how to do this. I feel like I'm amputating my own limb, cutting out my heart. I recognize that I'm catastrophizing. But that is exactly how I feel right now. I can barely breathe. [/QUOTE]
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