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Family of Origin
how did our foo influence our family of choice?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 667011" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>As an adult I never believed I could unite my family. Although I continued to need my Mother until my late 20's.</p><p></p><p>I did take responsibility as a child for the family. I believe and felt then that I was the moral voice. Almost like the missing father. How that could be, I do not know. I am only putting it down because it comes to my mind.</p><p></p><p>I am the one of us that lived a single life. So learning about real relationships, the kind with trust and sharing came late in my life.</p><p></p><p>The hardest thing for M and I has been about role and sharing. It may be played out around money but it is not really money. I could really care less.</p><p></p><p>M has not had money enough to contribute a "fair share." He does not feel he owes me. He will not work "in exchange." He will not be compelled to help me through any notion of owing.</p><p></p><p>He works based upon his desire and my need, filtered by his interpretation of what makes sense. </p><p></p><p>I think he feels that diminishes the relationship and each of us.</p><p></p><p>For the longest time I did not understand. I only understand a little now. He wants our relationship to be pure and to not be corrupted by power and money. He wants to help based on his desire to do so, and my need. He will not be compelled.</p><p></p><p>It is very refreshing, now that I get it a little bit.</p><p></p><p>I will think about how to better explain it.</p><p></p><p>Now that he is working pretty steadily, and in the house working together, on days he is home, and we have clear cut plans to handle responsibilities here and then go East, much of this is sorting itself out.</p><p></p><p>I am getting braver, too. Yesterday, the subject about inequality in money contribution in the house came to my mind. I got anxious. Instead I chose to speak about it (usually I stew and then erupt in fury.) </p><p></p><p>I said, now that you are working, will you be contributing more to household expenses?</p><p></p><p>He answered, "there are a lot of ways I want to help and things I want to pay for. Here and with my parents. My Mother is sick and does not have medicine."</p><p></p><p>I felt bad. It is not there is no money. He sent money from what he is earning. But the evil sister threw out the nice sister, once she got title to the parents's house. And there is nobody there, now to walk to the store to get medicine. The phone is disconnected because nobody can go and pay the bill.</p><p></p><p>I am happy I said something to M. And I am happy he answered me back. I think this is showing more confidence and safety.</p><p></p><p>Even though I still have shame. Why is M not helping me more with money? Even though I know the answer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 667011, member: 18958"] As an adult I never believed I could unite my family. Although I continued to need my Mother until my late 20's. I did take responsibility as a child for the family. I believe and felt then that I was the moral voice. Almost like the missing father. How that could be, I do not know. I am only putting it down because it comes to my mind. I am the one of us that lived a single life. So learning about real relationships, the kind with trust and sharing came late in my life. The hardest thing for M and I has been about role and sharing. It may be played out around money but it is not really money. I could really care less. M has not had money enough to contribute a "fair share." He does not feel he owes me. He will not work "in exchange." He will not be compelled to help me through any notion of owing. He works based upon his desire and my need, filtered by his interpretation of what makes sense. I think he feels that diminishes the relationship and each of us. For the longest time I did not understand. I only understand a little now. He wants our relationship to be pure and to not be corrupted by power and money. He wants to help based on his desire to do so, and my need. He will not be compelled. It is very refreshing, now that I get it a little bit. I will think about how to better explain it. Now that he is working pretty steadily, and in the house working together, on days he is home, and we have clear cut plans to handle responsibilities here and then go East, much of this is sorting itself out. I am getting braver, too. Yesterday, the subject about inequality in money contribution in the house came to my mind. I got anxious. Instead I chose to speak about it (usually I stew and then erupt in fury.) I said, now that you are working, will you be contributing more to household expenses? He answered, "there are a lot of ways I want to help and things I want to pay for. Here and with my parents. My Mother is sick and does not have medicine." I felt bad. It is not there is no money. He sent money from what he is earning. But the evil sister threw out the nice sister, once she got title to the parents's house. And there is nobody there, now to walk to the store to get medicine. The phone is disconnected because nobody can go and pay the bill. I am happy I said something to M. And I am happy he answered me back. I think this is showing more confidence and safety. Even though I still have shame. Why is M not helping me more with money? Even though I know the answer. [/QUOTE]
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how did our foo influence our family of choice?
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